AN ANIME EXPLANATION
Lesson 1.
I am a relative newcomer to anime. My journey over the last couple years from an attitude of what other people enjoy is not my problem, to moderate fandom is a tale for another day, but along the way I have sampled everything from eroge games to binge watching DeathNote, with an entirely out of character dive into slice of life. Through this exploration I have discovered the root cause of Japan’s plummeting birth rate. I leave it for those wiser than myself to come up with a solution, but I am going to lay out what anime shows to be the progression of a perfectly normal Japanese romance, which should make it clear that the problem is to be found in dangerously elaborate courtship rituals. It is disastrous to rely for the continuation of an entire nation, upon a ritualized and elaborate process, with multiple failure points, in a window of a tiny handful of years. Without further delay, let us dive in
I. Boy Meets Girl
This will typically happen at the start of the second year of High School. This is the sweet spot for starting a teen romance in Japan, and it is important not to bloom late, get sick, be unlucky, be actually unattractive (being unattractive due to an easily exposed false reputation is often a plus as it allows you to get a redemption glow up when the most attractive person in the school discovers the secret wonderfulness you have been hiding since middle school), or otherwise fail to meet the girl as soon after Spring Break as possible. Spring Break is the end of academic year break in Japan, and as you will see from the following timeline it is vital to start as early in the year as possible.
II. Boy and Girl Are Thrown Together By Chance
This step often involves elaborate coincidences causing the potential couple to end up members of the same after school club, often a club with some occult connection or mystery attached. Warning! If the club is down to its last member, and the Student Council (an organization with awesome levels of power in Japan) is threatening to shut it down if it doesn’t find a 3rd, 4th, or 5th member by a deadline, you are probably on a harem track, and this will VASTLY overcomplicate what follows. For this exercise we will concentrate on the simpler one boy plus one girl form of relationship.
III. Boy and Girl Begin to Like Each Other.
This follows the typical path. Hormonal adolescents in proximity talking and hanging out in close proximity. You might think we are closing in on the end of our little journey. We seem to have all the elements needed, but this is Japan, and like the Lodge Pole Pine, Japanese teens require more extreme heat to reproduce.
IV. Boy and Girl Find Themselves Beset by Hordes of Demons
.
It is not strictly necessary that these be demons. They can be ghosts, vampires, angry shrine gods, roving gangs of violent middle school delinquents, or in rare cases the most frightening of all, judgmental classmates determined to prevent the outsider in the pair (all couples must contain one hyper popular, worshipped from afar member, and one outcast loner) from sullying the wonderful purity (if girl) or (charisma if boy) of the popular one.
V. Boy Rescues Girl from Rape, Murder, Eternal Damnation, or Worst of All Malicious Rumors Spread By Jealous Classmates
The Demons, angry gods, ghosts, vampires, middle school gangbangers, or (shudder) Mean Girls, do their thing. Blood fountains from mouths as unbelievable violence rocks the classroom. Mushroom clouds mark the impact site when the boy unleashes his power upon the villainous hordes. The girl is saved! Do our lovers hook up and live happily ever after? NO! For in the process of saving the girl the boy finds himself locked in Hell!
VI. Girl Rescues Boy from Hell
Hell can take several forms. It is not always literal confinement to a punitive afterlife, although that is one possibility. Other possibilities include being trapped in a dream realm, having ones soul stolen, or even in extreme cases, being in trouble at school, possibly even to the extent of finding oneself in danger of failing a class! This is the girl’s moment to shine! The boy has proven his worth by saving her from doom, but in so doing has sacrificed himself and only after the girl redeems that sacrifice can love blossom!
She will march into hell, commune with the gods, or even in extreme cases talk back to a teacher to save the boy she loves! Her purity and earnest courage will sway heaven, shake hell, or inspire the cruelest of educators to mercy, and the boy will be saved. Love has saved the day, but can it find the courage to speak?
VII A. Summer Break/School Trip part 1
This is an important time for our young couple. If all goes as it should, it will provide several important moments in their blossoming love affair. First there will be the absolutely vital first chance to observe the girl in a swimsuit. If the boy is fortunate and the girl overcomes her crippling shyness this will be a bikini several steps more modest than the other girls on the trip (except the one girl who will show up wearing a school swimsuit because she is too poor or too shy to have a bikini, if this girl is also our heroine have no fear, for the boy will turn out to have a fetish for school swimsuits)
This beach trip will also be the first time the boy has appeared without a shirt. It is important that multiple people other than the girl comment about his surprising degree of musculature, ideally including one of the girl’s friends who should take the opportunity to touch said musculature in full view of the girl in a flirtatious manner. This is necessary in order to crystalize the girls feelings for the boy, and will also be important as part of a flashback montage that occurs at a latter step.
VII B. Summer Break/School Trip part 2
Romance requires more than merely exposing some skin, and School Trips offer our aspirants to love a welcome chance to wander the shrines of Kyoto, beaches of Okinawa, or the woods of Hokkaido alone as a couple. They will both eagerly look forward to this opportunity, possibly if one of our couple is unusually confident, even intending this as the perfect time to confess their feelings, although it is more likely that their friends will be the ones trying to set the couple up in a situation where a confession can occur via elaborate hijinks.
This chance will be spoiled by one or more of the following: A clueless classmate with a crush on one member of the couple will somehow accompany the couple on this pseudo date, an oddly creepy, teacher chaperone, who delights in embarrassing the students will show up, or the bane of Japanese health, a rain shower which surprises the couple, leading one of them to lend the other their umbrella, and then fall ill. Japanese people are oddly susceptible to colds after being rained on.
VII C. Summer Break/ School Trip part 3
The spoiled pseudo date will have our couple frantic, but there will be one final opportunity for the trip to advance the romance. This will take slightly different forms depending on the specific trip chosen. If the trip is to Okinawa, there will be a beach party with fireworks on the last night. If the trip was to Hokkaido, a bonfire will close out the adventure. In Kyoto, fireworks or a bonfire are both possibilities, but a shrine will probably factor in. In any case someone will be sure to inform our hopefuls of the tradition which destines any couple who is holding hands at the moment of the first firework, last firework, lighting of the bonfire, or other dramatic moment, to be together for life.
The couple will silently plan, with great nervousness, to manage to ‘accidentally’ be holding hands at said moment, despite at this stage being far too self-conscious to express such feelings openly. Their friends will likewise plan, often quite elaborately, to bring about a conjunction of loving fingers. All these plans will be for naught, as the two sets of plans will create a catastrophic interference pattern leading to the couple’s separation at the key moment, but this time fate will take a hand (ok two hands) and allow the fingers to touch briefly as the frantic couple collides while trying to race back to the key location.
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1. Interlude the First
It is important as we follow this relationship from beginning to baby not to get too involved with our couple. Emotional connection will just leave us unhappy as this process seems interminable to western sensibilities. Accordingly I have broken it up into several parts to allow my audience to digest the material in more manageable lessons. This also allows me to turn one really long submission into multiple shorter ones to help with the lack of content being submitted.
****
You missed one where the “forced together” stage is “delinquent girl in need of housing decides to crash at socially awkward boy’s apartment” which for waterever reason is also not where his parents are staying. In this circumstance, they will be extra adamant about not having romantic interests despite it being obvious to everyone else around them.
All Japanese teen couples include one who is forced to live on their own, this may be due to parental employment requiring multiple year trips to Europe, Parental abandonment, Parental death, or some trauma which can only be alleviated by the parents installing their 16 year old child in an apartment, possibly with an 8-12 year old sister.
parental employment requiring multiple year trips to Europe, Parental abandonment, Parental death, or some trauma which can only be alleviated by the parents installing their 16 year old child in an apartment, possibly with an 8-12 year old sister.
Is this the Japanese version of Pixar’s “parents are always dead” rule?
I honestly don’t know what the reason is, but it was one of the first odd tropes I noticed in the teen slice of life genre. I’d say it is a way to ensure the couples get plenty of private time, but since the couples never do anything I’d blush to do in front of my parents, her parents, grandparents, or freaking Cotton Mather I’m not sure why that matters.
It’s for the “Meet the Parents” event later on so that they can get all flustered and embarassed again.
Also, take over family farm in the countryside.
Mandatory transfer to a different city or even country is a very common occurrence for larger Japanese companies.
Usually for several years or as many as five or more. Two of my friend’s husbands went through it.
One included two years in Germany which made her happy as she studied German in school.
I am disappointed the sister dating has not been mentioned. Usually step sister, but not always.
Personal favorite that is either a scathing commentary on this and the genre or the worst example of it is Oreimo.
There are five more scheduled and at least one more left to write. Be patient!
The Brady Bunch movie is not Japanese Anime but it does follow the same pattern.
You forgot about the giant Mecha.
Why not both? Full Metal Panic!
That is exactly what I was thinking about when I wrote my commet.
I watched that right after I was done with Full Metal Alchemist due to the name similarity.
I do not thin I have seriously watched anime since like 2010. I don’t even know what the kids watch these days.
Ignore the kids. Their opinions are irrelevant.
There are crazy amounts of overpowered reincarnated fantasy crap that is just tiresome.
The other 50% is some high school harem of some description. Which makes something like Frieren a complete breath of fresh air.
the last I tried watching was one where supposedly economics played a part about some fox harvest goddess that follows a merchant guy around but I do not remember what it was called I can google I suppose
I heartily recommend Apothecary Diaries, and Spy x Family as well as Frieren. In the high school harem adjacent genre I quite liked Rascal Doesn’t Dream.
maybe spice and wolf who knows…
My Japanese teacher and I both loved the Apothecary Diaries.
I convinced Mojeaux to buy the English light novel translation as the demographic is adult women romance.
The remake of Spice and Wolf is better than the original. It adds backstory the from the manga the first series cut.
Also uses the same voice actors. It seemed to be made with respect to both the original anime and source material.
Loved Frieren. Surprisingly touching.
Blue Eye Samurai was pretty great.
I enjoyed that show.
Sorry, (((Jarflax
Something something sticks and stones…
Former “Love Island USA” contestant Cierra Ortega apologized Wednesday for resurfaced posts where she used a racial slur against Asian people.
Ortega, who was half of one of the season’s strongest couples, left the villa just a week before the popular reality show’s finale after old posts resurfaced that contained the slur.
Ortega addressed the entire Asian community in her nearly five minute TikTok video and said she is “deeply, truly, honestly so sorry.”
“This is not an apology video. This is an accountability video,” Ortega said.
“I had no idea that the word held as much pain, as much harm, and came with the history that it did, or I never would have used it,” Ortega said. “I had no ill intention when I was using it, but that’s absolutely no excuse because intent doesn’t excuse ignorance.”
Another scalp for the thought police.
What was it? Zipperhead? Slope? Slant? Oriental? Malaise-ian?
Ecchi, Hentai, or Baka these are the only slurs women use, although they use them approximately 300 times per episode. Oh you mean a slur against Asians…
chigger?
They prefer “chigroes”.
people of chig?
Chigger, please! You work for UPS!
I had to do some serious digging before I finally found an article with the FORBIDDEN WORD!
In an old tik tok post she said her smile looked “chinky”.
The horror, the horror.
She should have used the gender neutral Chinxy.
I can’t decide if the producers of this trash are too dumb to pre-approve the thoughts of their cast or are clever enough to have done so and want the added attention.
The producers need the contestants’ social media histories to be spic and span because a certain segment of the population is niggardly with its forgiveness. Hopefully public opinion will slant the other way, because as it stands now, the situation is just crackers.
Dancing on the razor edge there.
It can be a slippery slope.
You mean a slippery slope?
Okay, we better nip this in the bud.
Ya’ll have found the chink in his armor.
Ortega’s removal from the villa was announced early in Sunday’s episode. Host Iain Stirling said she had left “due to a personal situation.”
“I completely agree with the network’s decision to remove me from the villa. I think that this is something that deserved punishment and the punishment has absolutely been received,” Ortega said.
I love Big Brother with all my heart.
Big Brother is the Brit version.
I have bad news for you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Brother_(American_TV_series)
Boy Rescues Girl from Rape, Murder, Eternal Damnation, or Worst of All Malicious Rumors Spread By Jealous Classmates
What about towers and supernaturally long and silky golden locks?
The obsessive anime nerd clique in high school (yes, that was unfortunately a thing) threw a fucking tendie fit when I told them my name… “Nuh uh, that’s the name of an ANIME!!!!” Yea, no shit, it’s a name from Japan. Where do you think the anime got it?
Boy has to fight girl to stop alien invasion
Girl is an alien sent to assassinate boy but they get married and fight the aliens.
🤔
I think I saw that one.
Super Dimensional Fortress +1
It may not be anime, but it is cool:
https://store.necaonline.com/products/jaws-the-game-of-jaws-50th-anniversary-edition
Looks much better than the original. Swissy should be told.
I had this shark board game as a wee lad:
https://www.amazon.com/Patch-6950-Shark-Attack/dp/B003BLQGA8
Basically Candy Land, but with a shark, therefore awesome.
The original Jaws game really did look lame:
https://ebay.us/m/FfDb03
Don’t you mean OMWC?
When he talks about Jaws he means getting a blowjob from Greta, the climate change potato:
Ugly as a mud fence, she is. And the personality of mildew to boot.
I’ll buy one for OMWC.
We had the original version. This one looks great. I think they kept all the items the same. I remember most of them.
So what you’re saying is – I can defeat a shark by removing its batteries?
Sharks don’t have batteries silly. You have to remove the two small rubber bands from the corners of its mouth.
I see the root of the birthrate problem. The story doesn’t include the couple having frequent vigorous sexual intercourse. I think we have the team that can turn this around.
*Inserts South Park reference
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BnP_mZAv8gE
My wife relayed a conversation our Japanese neighbor (married to a GI) told her about her sister and mother had at the grocery store meat isle while comparing sausages.
It was pretty damn funny.
Daughter who married the American sausage was quite lucky.
Wait, is this the same meat isle that Brooks was talking about above?
You can’t see anything, it’s all pixelated.
Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife? Ichiban!
XXX? Kinjiru!
I learned Japanese from the novel Shogun and sushi restaurant menus.
The story doesn’t include the couple having frequent vigorous sexual intercourse. I think we have the team that can turn this around.
We need an amalgamation of traditional Samurai porn and wide eyed cartoon teens.
Or have I just set myself up for a kiddie porn rap? I swear I thought Judy Jetson was 18, your honor!
She was 15 when the series started …
There was an actual child porn case that involved cartoons, not actual photos of children.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_v._Handley
Take a guess what country the cartoons were from. Go on, guess.
***
United States v. Handley, 564 F. Supp. 2d 996 (2008), was a court case in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Iowa involving obscenity charges stemming from the importation of manga featuring pornographic depictions of fictional minors.
Although Handley ultimately pled guilty, District Judge James E. Gritzner ruled that 18 U.S.C. § 1466A(a)(2) and 18 U.S.C. § 1466A(b)(2) were constitutionally infirm because those subsections restrict protected speech and do not require the visual depictions be obscene. He also held that the determination of what constituted obscenity under 18 U.S.C. § 1466A(a)(1) and 18 U.S.C. § 1466A(b)(1) was to be made by the trier of fact. Referring to previous U.S. Supreme Court cases on obscenity and child pornography, he held, “Free Speech Coalition made clear that banned material must meet either the Ferber or Miller standards. There is no dispute the images in this case do not involve real children, thus Ferber is inapplicable.”[1] However, Gritzner’s ruling was challenged by later case law in United States v. Dean.
***
Porn laws seem to be about as complicated as the tax code.
I know a fair tax rate when I see it!
In an old tik tok post she said her smile looked “chinky”.
Is she missing some teeth? A smile like a hockey player?
Like the weak point in armor where the panels don’t align properly.
I saw some anime. It wasn’t Red Line, which was horrid. It had an alcoholic woman falling in love with a male teen. I called it Rain and Feet because that’s what was on the screen most of time.
This also allows me to turn one really long submission into multiple shorter ones to help with the lack of content being submitted.
🙂
Darnit, you just reminded me that I have to watch Flight of the Phoenix and write a review.
I wonder if the powers that be will notice I submitted a standalone article unrelated to the rest of my current series.
Better be the Jimmy Stewart version.
the remake?
Ted, completely agree.
I already saw the 2004 Hugh Laurie version, this is the one set in Africa. I don’t know who’s in it – I have a damned hard time remembering faces, actors all look alike.
Okay, I don’t know him by face, but the voice is unmistakable. It’s the Jimmy Stewart Version.
To be honest, the extent of my excursions into Japanese popular entertainment is pretty much restricted to old Zatoichi movies and Samurai Cat.
And, of course, Throne of Blood and other classics.
Add Yojimbo and Seven Samuarai to the list.
Does it count if I’ve watch the Magnificent Seven instead?
You can do a lot worse than old Zatoishi movies.
Mine is limited to Battle Royale and a couple horror movies, Infection is one that was memorable. Ringu as well.
Every japanese monster movie ever made.
War of the Gargantuas was particularly horrifying one because one of the kaiju Frankensteins would eat people like popcorn.
Yes! I posted War of the Gargantuas a while back. That movie freaked me out as a kid.
Is it wrong for me to have read the sequence of boy goes on adventure to rescue girl, girl rescues boy from hell, etc. in Jordan Peterson’s voice? “that’s the dragon man. But why a giant fish? That makes no sense, but that’s the decent into hell. It’s no joke!”
If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Jordan Peterson has no voice, which is why he’s overdubbed by Kermit the Frog.
Not wrong really, but he doesn’t get the booty yet.
Add Yojimbo and Seven Samuarai to the list.
“And other classics.” Also, Ran.
Ran was magnificent on the big screen. Apparently Kurosawa was nominated for the Best Director Oscar the year it was released, but unfortunately he didn’t win, making him an also-ran.
😟
E tu, GT?
/😜
Oui, moi aussi./Latin illiterate
Ita, ego quoque.
(per the Googles)
She was just trying to jog our memories.
As seen here
Or here.
Semper ubi, sub ubi.
I mentioned in the dead thread, a Judge has issued a nationwide injunction against Trump’s plan to end birthright citizenship.
This time it is based on the class of all born and unborn children that will be affected by the plan.
I assume that SCOTUS anticipated this and will allow this one to stand.
This is backwards. The class can apply for restoration of status if the courts incorrectly rule that jus soili has any merit
Didn’t SCOTUS recently rule that district courts lack authority to issue nationwide injunctions, and can only rule on the plaintiffs before them? I guess district judges can even overrule SCOTUS now.
Like any lawyer, the judge thinks himself clever and has decided to toe into class action territory and declare all these unborns and infants to be plaintiffs.
SCOTUS ruled that there are other avenues towards broad relief specifically mentioning class action lawsuits. The first class action lawsuit was filed the same day as the SCOTUS ruling.
The judge here approved the “class” of born and soon-to-be born children that would be directly impacted by the plan. Judge issued a nationwide injunction to protect this class.
FedGov can appeal and get the class rejected.
Except there is a specific procedure and requirements for certifying a class action. And this ain’t it.
Correct. The judge paused his injunction for 7 days to let FedGov appeal.
How you can provide legal relief to a class of people who don’t exist is a mystery to me.
Did Trump’s order affect anyone who has already been born? Did it apply retroactively?
That won’t work based on liberal logic that unborn babies are just meat sacks.
Does it count if I’ve watch the Magnificent Seven instead?
“My mule thinks you were laughing at him. Now, if you were to apologize…”
Does My Vampire System follow this process as well?
Do the vampires in your system sparkle in sunlight? If so, then yes.
The vampires in my system burst into flames. Or post snarky comments on this site.
Japanese culture remains inscrutable to this occidental.
Have you tried Calgon?
That is an ancient Chinese secret.
Except there is a specific procedure and requirements for certifying a class action. And this ain’t it.
Oh, come on. “Lots of unspecified people might be affected” is a solid legal claim.
If unborns have standing, explain abortion to me again. Thnx.
Quiet, you.
There are people who have noticed this, and I’m sure they’re ready to jump in with lawyers at the right moment. The left has to be careful where they tread.
My only exposure to anime consisted of Bleach, which I very much love, Death Note, which was clever and interesting, Full Metal Alchemist, which I liked, and Darker than Black. Does Cowboy Bebop count as anime? If so, that’s on my list as well.
Then the local video store, which had an anime section, closed. I haven’t found / am not aware of any good (i.e., safe) web sites or torrents. I don’t do streaming or pay sites, so … At least i never ran into any clunkers 😉
Cowboy Bebop is classic anime.
The Hidden Fortress.
After watching/hearing about the romantic twists/turns of a daughter/3 grand daughters I can only be happy to be too old to pay attention.
Thanks (((jarflex
Speaking of remakes which should never have been permitted, I saw a remake of that Humphrey Bogart tank movie (they are lost in the desert or something) with Belushi’s fucking brother playing Bogart.
A prime example of Hollywood’s “Give us a bunch of money so we can go take a bunch of drugs and play with guns” genre.
*looks it up*
Sahara.
Wait, I thought Sahara was the one where they went looking for a Confederate Ironclad full of gold in the middle of the desert.
Isn’t that The War Wagon?
As far as rote remakes go, I thought that one was pretty well done.
It was already done, anyway: Last of the Comanches.
Sahara
I was expecting a stripper link. 🙁