When I was in Baptist school, I would hear about judgment day as this great big projector showing the movie of all your most shameful moments in life to everyone for them to point and mock. I don’t know what anybody else thought, but this terrified me. Now we have social media where people show off their shame just to have a little attention, and we have those who have no sense of shame at all. And then there’s the shameful shame because it’s shameful, but also pathetic and sad. May need this in the future to hide when the gummint decides everything you do that is unapproved is shameful.
Anyway, I decided to try to get a job as a 911 call taker (not dispatcher) and didn’t really think about a background investigation. Fingerprints, sure. Trying to relieve every shameful moment of your life and documenting it? No. Ugh. So I had to explain things I’ve never wanted to revisit and … it wasn’t too awful. I guess. They asked me if I’d done things I didn’t know people did. The last accident I had was caused because I had a booger I just could not get a grip on but it was bugging me and I had to get that fucker out and so then a seven-car pile-up on I-70 during rush hour happened. Totally wasn’t my fault. I’m not responsible for this, either.
I also had to come up with six friends. I do not have six meatspace friends. It took me three days to decide to ask internet friends because I didn’t know if they counted, and if so, whom would I ask? And if I could scrounge up six names, would they say yes? Anyway, one of my husband’s dudebropals, two Glibs, and three medical transcription colleagues later, I was able to supply six names. I have met all but two of the MTs in real life.
Today, my mom moved out of my house and into her own apartment. The title company wanted her direct deposit information, so next week, she’ll have a cash flow of about more than I’ve made in my entire lifetime. The president of the women’s auxiliary in my church (Relief Society) brought her kids over to help. It wasn’t hard to get them here because apparently, I’m the cool lady who told them about corvids who bring you presents. And then there’s this entitled little bastard.
Eye candy! I’m so conflicted about AI-generated art because some of it’s just so fucking cool. This one is for @OMWC. And some of it is just diet LSD—all the hallucinations, none of the positive drug tests.
And this is the bullshit Theeeee Hyperbole fights against every day of his reading life.
I was gonna cue up some Supertramp and then I thought, no, that is not what a booger-picking rush-hour accident-causing driver would be listening to. But this is.
I’ve lost count of how many background checks I’ve had to go through for work. At least I haven’t needed to get fingerprinted… yet.
Fourteen years into my job with the state, after having built any number of servers and having root/administrative access on dozens of critical systems, we requested some new VMs, the agency decided that I could not be an admin on the new boxes without getting fingerprinted.
I had access to all of our HR and benefits information but some new random VMs…
But they’re still doing the anal probe, aren’t they?
Lube is… … optional.
I was in the Army Reserves and had to renew my security clearance. They took a group of us in our Class Bs and had us fingerprinted at the Tarrant County Jail downtown Fort Worth. It was an experience to say the least.
Did they at least take you to Fuel City for tacos?
Unfortunately, we had a chow hall.
I was fingerprinted for my green card and then had to do one of those nifty electronic ones for citizenship.
I’ve only had the electronic fingerprinting. Ink is being phased out because it’d get scanned into a computer anyway.
My last background check, I did the electronic fingerprints and had to do it over about 15 effin’ times. Very frustrating.
“Try holding your hand in a very unnatural angle, and maybe then it will work.”
@UCS: green card, 1995; citizenship 2004
Checks out.
👍
UCS had his finger print gloves on?
I had to get fingerprinted multiple times for my law licenses. One for each state plus Texas (I’m not barred there, but I went to school there)
So you’re barred from the practice of law?
I was fingerprinted as an intern – at a bank with access to live securities. Twice, actually – two different banks (both long gone).
I haven’t changed jobs in 32 years. Never had a background check.
My wife, on the other hand, has had to have a security clearance on a couple of occasions.
Yikes. Working ten years in a mental hospital I have seen skin pickers before but not that bad. Are we sure that is real?
Well, when that sunburn starts to peel, it really does itch. And then it just begins to feel like a challenge… 😉
two Glibs
And you passed? They weren’t really checking then.
If they had, they’d have found out they were both Tulpa.
My background has been checked so many times that I can’t remember all of them. Although I do often wonder exactly how extensive these background investigations are…I just renewed my Maryland CCW permit, which requires three personal references. I dug up three friends – none of them were ever contacted.
I’ve never failed a background check… I’m so boring.
Would they tell you if you failed, though?
For those check sI know about, because I’d have either lost my job or been denied the purchase, or the permit, etc.
“I’m so boring.”
Stay that way. Boring is good.
Like every young man I dreamt of adventures, exotic women and slaying dragons. It didnt take me long to get enough of that shit. Adventure ended with lots of tears, an empty walled and an irresistible urge to “I gotta get the fuck outta here”.
I didn’t stop dreaming I just write it down now.
Last background check:
“Are you sure you gave me the right SS number?”
“Yes, why?”
“You dont have a record. All I have here is your name and address. You are even an organ donor. You have never been arrested ?”
“What would I be arrested for?”
“Everybody does something stupid at some time.”
“Why would I do that?”
*Cop checks boxes, signs form, hands it to my boss.*
To be fair, people the cops generally interact with are the sort who get into trouble with the cops.
I was gonna cue up some Supertramp and then I thought, no, that is not what a booger-picking rush-hour accident-causing driver would be listening to.
Maybe this
911 call taker – Answer emergency and non-emergency calls and determine if Police, Fire, or Ambulance is needed, efficiently and in a calm, professional manner.
Remember, only send police when you have determined that the situation needs to get worse.
There are situations in which froce needs to be applied in an emergency.
Is that like Croce on Ice
Those are the situations that need to get worse.
Some Karen calling about a suspicious looking dude walking down the street requires an ambulance (for Karen.)
Is that like Croce on Ice
——–
It’s like Time (Frozen) In a Bottle
1. Does someone need to die? Yes or No
On the verbal interview, she kept asking me for the next offense, in order, as I could remember them. Numbers 1, 2, 3, were speeding. #4, she just said “Speeding.” #5 she said, “Speeding.”
Yeah, so that’s my extensive criminal history.
“What was your most serious crime you were never caught for? Speeding.”
“Yep.”
My driver’s extract was funny when I got it. – The only entry was when I was issued my license.
What was your most serious crime you were never caught for?
“Contract murder- errr, wait. Shoplifting.”
Truancy.
“Littering…AND disturbing the peace!”
MONSTER!
Moves away from ES…moves back towards ES.
And they all moved away from me on the Group W bench…
Mopery.
Mur…
Impr…
Digging a hole on public lands without a permit.
See, the proper response is, “By the laws of God or man?”
Coveting the neighbor’s hot ass wife.
Isn’t that breaking two commandments in one?
The neighbor’s ass-wife? As opposed to the neighbor’s other wife?
What was your most serious crime you were never caught for?
—————
Sorry, that’s a “second date” question.
“Stampeding cattle.”
“That’s not much of a crime.”
“Through the Vatican?”
“Kinkyyyy. Sign here.”
“Were you ever convinced of a felony “
“Convicted? Noooo never convicted “
“Gamboling.”
When I was in Baptist school,
Which is a story you’ve alluded to, but still fascinates…
I would hear about judgment day as this great big projector showing the movie of all your most shameful moments in life to everyone for them to point and mock.
When I hear that I think of Jim Morrison’s “when I was a lad in seminary school” opening.
I went to Baptist school because this happened. I started in 4th grade, graduated with 14 other people.
Being a Mormon immersed in a Southern Baptist environment was pretty much what got me thinking about theology whenever I wasn’t reading romance novels. Also, my gma’s insistence that every time I sinned, I made Jesus hurt worse, which horrified my mother because she never knew that was what her mother was teaching me and IS NOT part of our doctrine.
Anyway, I was often called upon to explain/defend my faith, and I really don’t understand how it’s a flex to Bible bash with a 5th grader, but whatever. One time during Tuesday assembly (read: church service), a guest preacher started going off (erroneously) about Mormons. I got up and walked out. That was something that, under other circumstances, I’d have gotten a week of detention for doing. Not that day.
Anyway, I got a good education, and I got a good grounding in our doctrine/cosmology because I needed to get it right. I tell people if it hadn’t been for the Baptists, I’d have left my church for sheer disinterest.
my gma’s insistence that every time I sinned, I made Jesus hurt worse,
You can’t make Jesus hurt any worse since pretty much any Christian theology argues he already died for our sins.
I think she said that to keep me in line. I used to be motivated quite effectively by guilt.
“When I was in Baptist school, I would hear about judgment day as this great big projector showing the movie of all your most shameful moments in life to everyone for them to point and mock.”
In comic form: https://www.chick.com/products/tract?stk=1
Hopefully it’ll replay all the really dirty parts. Those were fun and I wouldn’t mind re-living them…
Too funny.
I watched the first season of this and while I liked it stopped after two episodes of season two. I saw how many chapters were in the manga and predicted exactly this.
The MC is an ass and you basically wait for redemption that may or may not come. Reason I watched is it has a first rate cast and production.
You win, Rent-A-Girlfriend. I Give Up
The ongoing harem romcom that’s become the personification of sunken cost fallacy is at a crossroads, and I can’t be fucked to care anymore
Today, my mom moved out of my house and into her own apartment.
Hooray! I’m glad you were able to rescue her from her previous living situation, and that she’s well enough to live on her own. I know this is a relief for you.
I will miss the CAS updates, though. She was the most [boo, hiss] villain since Cruella DeVille.
My husband was getting tired of our squabbling, which is what we do when we live together. I’m so happy to have my house back to myself. Last week, I was thinking about going AWOL to a hotel room by myself for a couple of days, but of course, I didn’t do that.
However, I will likely be going over to her place every day for the next few weeks to help her get settled.
Monday the movers are getting the rest of her stuff out of the Glue Factory and storage, so it’s not a done deal by any shot.
When my friend the FFL did a background check on me, it took about 10 seconds to get the approval. He says, “Seriously? That never happens. Who are you really?”
Odd. I am an FFL and probably 99 percent of NICS checks are instantaneous. Perhaps you live in a state that uses it’s own system instead of the FBIs.
Meanwhile in local news.
N.J. restaurant told customers to ‘f— off’ on TikTok. It didn’t go well.
So what you’re saying is we should ban TikTok?
By seashore seasonal dining prices they are the high side of normal, but far from outrageous.
Still dumb to post.
High prices? Take a look at Cape May’s. It’s Jersey – the restaurant probably adds $2 per plate just to cover the property taxes.
We have a shared family house at the NJ shore. I know.
In the past couple weeks on Nextdoor I’ve seen people posting snotty replies that local restaurants have left on bad reviews. The restaurateurs’ replies often make good points, e.g. their costs have gone up so they need to pass it along to the customers, but there’s always some line in the reply that is over the top. “Maybe you’ve been sleeping under a log, but our costs have gone up, you moron”. It’s like they have Trump writing the replies for them.
Well, restaurant people . . . They’re kind of their own breed.
We just went to a place in San Juan where the GM’s responses to bad reviews are… something.
For example
It was… fine. Good cocktails.
I always loved that we were told not to tell anyone about our clearance and then have investigators show up to ask questions about you to family, friends, and neighbors.
That pic of the T-Rex is fantastic.
All it needs is Ninja’s on its back.
T Rexes aren’t Ninja-affiliated. They’re Piratical.
Yes but I think at that time a lot of the pirates were being held in the concentration camps. Which were guarded by Yetis.
√π?
Where do I find a square root to bake into pie?
Velociraptor Regiment to do night recon patrols in Heinie trenches.
Nice, Swiss
Faake! The shoring on the trench walls is just a flat texture.
Can’t do it. While velociraptors are instinctively adept at small unit tactics, they’re all females, and even clever girls have no place in combat.
Fake news. Velociraptors had feathers.
the best ninja site:
https://realultimatepower.net/
https://www.realultimatepower.net/ninja/ninja2test3.htm
I loved that. The “hey, you can’t fool me – that’s really WWII” reply is hilarious.
Yep, that tickled me pink. The Hyperbole is of the opinion that nitpickers (especially of historical fiction) need not apply because it’s all fiction anyway, and the author should be able to put T-rexes in WWI. But of course, nitpickers gotta pick nits, so obviously the T-rex was fighting in WWII.
Technically correct is the best kind of correct.
Thanks to the dashboard camera, our attorneys obtained a full recording of the driver’s actions leading up to the crash. Here’s what was going on in the cabin during the final six seconds before impact:
The driver is sitting with his phone balanced on his right thigh.
His right arm is at his side.
His left hand is picking his nose. Neither hand is on the wheel.
After he’s finished picking his nose, he looks down to examine his findings. His eyes are clearly not on the road.
Was he a migrant to Texas from Massachusetts?
So, the kid in “Caddyshack” grew up to drive a truck?
The judge should have told him he’ll “get nothing and like it!”
Checked cabinet…hmmm no red wine for my sauce. Lets try Sherry. A bit nutty, like my ex of the same name. Just means less pecorino romano I guess. Also tamps down the Calabrian chilis I sauted with the onions.
You put the berries with my ex’s name in a sauce, you get Christmas dinner!
Dry sherry is my go to cooking wine.
I like it with just about everything.
What it means, ‘less pecorino’? Does not compute.
no red wine
Does Not Compute.
(the rack in the basement is a bit overloaded. The cabinet here is also full.)
Lalo Schifrin has self-destructed. 🙁
As soon as I read the headline the music started playing in my head. A nice bit of immortality for him.
odds and ends
My blog is on track to have its best month ever. I guess the key is to keep adding new content.
Went to bed yesterday around 1 AM, got up around 10 AM, spent an hour online and then was in bed for another 6 hours. I should have gone swimming or written a poem.
The US has bombed Syria, Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan. Connect four! What do we win?
I look forward to the start of welding school in August.
Nice little storm rolling through. Heavy rains and pea hails
At least it’s not pee hails.
Tourist from Norway says J.D. Vance meme got him denied entry to the U.S.
Something tells me there’s a bit more to the story, and neither side is coming clean.
FrdGov put out a press release somewhere about it being bullshit.
Yeah, Vance has shown that he has no sense of humor regarding memes about him.
A blood sample taken? Wut?
The 21-year-old told Nordlys, a Norwegian publication, that officials warned he would be fined $5,000 or imprisoned for five years if he didn’t share the PIN to his phone. After he relented, officials reportedly found two photos objectionable—one a meme of Vice President Vance depicted as bald, and the other of a pipe. He admitted to using cannabis twice: once in Germany and once in New Mexico.
The Department of Homeland Security posted on Facebook that Mikkelsen’s claim he was denied entry due to a meme was false. “Mikkelsen was refused entry into the U.S. for his admitted drug use. Only those who respect our laws and follow the rules will be welcomed into our country.”
Stupid is as stupid does.
He just thinks this will adVance his career.
satire idea – Iran credits ACME air defense system for victory
Designed by Chinese firms Wai Li and Kai Yodi…
They are required to be either a genius, or a sooper-genius to handle explodey stuff.
I look forward to the start of welding school in August.
6061.com and The Fabrication Series.
many thanks
suggested music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1NNlqCjGcQ
visual aid:
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/zL3rMBN5bgw
Street interviews with the Taliban:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6OCcM5DoyE
Out wrestling the weedchopperdowner 5000 around out back. My “yard” needs to be completely plowed up, levelled, and rolled. And then paved.
Hey, I need that for my garden. That should get rid of some of the weeds.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BucksCountyPA/s/Z1B3Y8Wqc5
Hehe
Velociraptor Regiment to do night recon patrols in Heinie trenches.
That’s one sharp dressed man
“And then there’s this entitled little bastard.”
I’ve had one encounter with an actual raven. (A) Those are big bastards. (2) He eyeballed me with a level of calculation and cunning I have never seen in an animal before or since.
My big bad-ass medieval knight hero being afraid of ravens because of childhood trauma is a big plot point in Cods & Cuntes.
Watching the linked(?) video of the guy walking around with the raven on his shoulder, all I could think is “If he wants to eat your eyeball, you aren’t stopping him”.
You’re lucky Ray Lewis didn’t stab you.
Ballsy
The chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Committee on Infectious Diseases, Dr Sean O’Leary, said during a Wednesday press briefing that the rest of the world is looking at the US and its new Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) “in horror”.
“It is truly an embarrassment at this point, what’s happening with ACIP,” said O’Leary.
Now tell us your stance on “gender affirming” medical treatments.
Oh no, world opinion.
—Insert photo of obnoxious protesters blocking traffic here.—
***
As NATO leaders met in The Hague, Russia’s eerie Cold War-era radio station, UVB-76, dubbed “Doomsday Radio”, suddenly began broadcasting dozens of strange, coded messages.
The timing, coinciding with high-level talks on Ukraine, has raised eyebrows among military watchers and conspiracy theorists alike.
***
Meh, just a radio check for all their GRU guys. Putin’s little helpers are expected to report back.
Krasniyy pyat, gotova!
https://youtu.be/fAUuzrWdgNo?si=okiyO-fILCqENx-N&t=40
Well, I finally decided to go to work today, after nearly calling in last night. I was only 41 minutes late. *punches self* Left hand was extra shaky, but it never crossed to my right hand, and I didn’t have a hallucination, olfactory or otherwise.
I pulled myself from (part of) The Game, telling boss-boss I didn’t think the two-hour outdoor assignment, the ‘easiest task (for me) to screw up, would be advisable. He was amiable and I got set up with something else. That isn’t an easy conversation to begin.
Thanks for letting me vent and spitball with you+ on the zoomies yesterday eve. Many big thoughts, and perhaps a bigger decision determined. Eek.
The t-rex soldier is highly reminiscent of one of Calvin’s greatest imaginary playcraft. I remember reading the final C&H strip in the paper in ’95, when I was 8. A tremendous author and illustrator. Highest respect and praise for Waterson.
https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/candh/images/5/5b/T-Rex_Jet.png/revision/latest?cb=20120718013637