Confessions of a Middle Age Man in Lycra – Freestonin’

by | Aug 5, 2025 | Sports | 69 comments

On a cold, foggy San Francisco morning 35 riders set off from San Francisco on a 130 mile ride through Marin and Sonoma Counties.  The weather was a reminder of the Mark Twain cliche about the coldest winter he ever experienced was a summer in San Francisco.  The road surface on the Golden Gate Bridge was wet from the fog making the numerous metal plates on the path a joy to navigate, and I had to remove my sunglasses due to the mist.

The route, the route, the route is on fire.

In Sausalito the fog cleared and we got to view the sunrise along the waterfront.  Soon we got on Highway 1 to start the ride up the coast.  When I’ve driven this section of road before, I’ve always thought the cyclists were foolish as there usually is heavy traffic, and the road is winding with no shoulder.  Fortunately, this time of morning traffic was minimal.  At the top of the hill we got back into the fog, which obscured a beautiful view out toward the Pacific Ocean.  After a series of steep climbs and sinuous descents I made my way into Stinson Beach, where I pulled over to use the porta-potties, because like my Grandpa used to say, never miss a chance to take a leak.

North of Stinson Beach Highway 1 skirts the edge of Bolinas Bay for some flat mileage allowing for some recovery. Apparently this road will be underwater soon due to climate change, though strangely it looks the same as it did when I was a kid in corduroy.  The road gets hilly again at the unmarked turnoff to the town of Bolinas, unmarked because the locals keep tearing down the sign to prevent visits from outsiders.  Very inclusive.  Google Maps has probably made their efforts futile these days.

Coming out of Pt. Reyes Station I approached what I thought was a new art installation by the side of the road, but as I got closer I realized it was several vultures perched on fence posts with their wings spread to warm in the morning sun.  It was kind of creepy, and I felt like they were taunting me.  “We’ve been waiting for you.”

I’m not dead yet, you bastards.

The road follows the path of the San Andreas Fault all the way up to the town of Tomales.  I always have to pause when saying that name.  Is it Tomales or Tamales?  Did it get that name because Tomales Bay is shaped like a tamale?  There’s a lot of time to think on these long rides.

I guess this makes me Paul Newman. I’m OK with that.

In Tomales we turned off Highway 1 for a stretch on some isolated country roads.  The pavement was so bad it would have been better if it wasn’t paved at all.  The asphalt was a quiltwork of potholes, both fixed and unfixed.  It’s a surface I refer to as California cobblestone.  After about 7 miles on the bone jarring roads we got back on Highway 1 before turning off onto Freestone Road which took us to the northernmost point of the day in the town of Freestone.

The main attraction in the town was a bakery where I had planned to eat some lunch, but the line was incredibly long and I didn’t want to wait.  Besides, my wife bakes her own bread, and as the saying goes, why buy the milk when you have a cow at home?  I’ve got food in my pockets and a full bottle on my bike, which should last an hour.  I should be able to make it to the next place that has water.  Big mistake.  Never miss a chance to fill up your bottles.

Her sourdough’s better than yours.

Straight out of town was a 4 mile, 700 foot climb to the highest point of the day.  Good news is that it should be all downhill from here or something. After a ripping descent I passed through the town of Bloomfield, but there was no store, no gas station, and the only restaurant didn’t open for a few more hours. Hence no water. Nothing to do but push on. 

View from the top.

The course made its way south through a series of valleys and over the hills that separated them.  The hills weren’t long, but they had steep pitches that were beginning to take their toll.  At one point I passed a field with a herd of longhorns zealously guarding their watering trough.  On the horns of dilemma, I decided to keep moving.

Definitely not feeling horny.

The road turned east and as it headed inland the temperature climbed into the 90s.  My right leg started to cramp, but in my head I heard the voice of an organizer of a previous ride I had done, “Everyone gets cramps. Just pedal through it.” That seemed to work.  The road turned back west, bringing the prospect of slightly cooler temperatures, but at the cost of a steep 400 foot climb.  I managed to avoid cramping as putting a little extra force into the pedals seemed to keep the cramps at bay, but now my bottles were nearly empty even though I had been conserving my water. Fortunately, there was only a short hill separating me from Hicks Valley where I knew I’d be able to get some water, maybe.  Coming into the valley I saw a one-room schoolhouse.  Maybe they have water.  In front was a porta-potty and a hand washing station, but I passed. I’d rather take my chances with gas station sushi. 

Thanks, but no thanks.

About a mile or two later I came up on the fire station where some other riders were resting.  Fire stations always have water, so I pulled in for a refill. While getting off my bike both legs cramped something fierce.  I had to stand still for about 30 seconds to let the cramps pass to the quizzical looks of the other riders.  Finally I was able to set my bike down, grab my bottles and fill up with water.  I chugged one bottle and filled it up again for more leisurely sipping.  

More painful than this photo.

I sat down on the bench and took off my leg warmers.  I should have taken them off long ago since it was so warm, but I didn’t want to stop and I didn’t want to stuff them in my pockets.  And besides, the warmers make my hairy legs more aero.  A problem with riding in the Bay Area is that it can be freezing at the coast and hot inland, so it’s hard to know how to dress.  A lesser known quote from Mark Twain: “If you drive your car fast enough across San Francisco you might crack your windshield because of the temperature difference.”

Chugging that bottle of water might not have been such a great idea, because now I was in serious need of a bathroom, and not to take a leak.  Fortunately the firemen let me use theirs.  Stumbling out of the bathroom I told the fireman he was a lifesaver and apologized for the backdraft.  I resisted the urge to make a smartass comment about the pride flag in front of the firehouse.  I didn’t want to push my luck, and like my dad used to say, “Everyone likes a little ass. Nobody likes a little smartass.”

At the 100 mile mark I pulled over in the town of Nicasio for some soda and chips.  I was tired of my drink mix and Clif Bars.  I needed to change things up.  While enjoying my snack on the bench, I eavesdropped on Marin County Boomers Biff and Bunny discussing how they were going to raid their trust fund to take a trip to Chile and Easter Island on their way back from New Zealand.  “I mean, we’re already in the Southern Hemisphere, right?  And it’s only an extra $20K.”  I bet they support all the right environmental causes. Ah, Marin.  Never change.

Only a couple more climbs and I’d be back into civilization. Bombing down Sir Francis Drake Boulevard into the town of Fairfax I was passing the row of cars that were backed up in traffic.  Perhaps I should have been more careful in the event that one pulled into the bike lane, but I wasn’t in the mood.  I was cramping, irritable, bloated, and achy.  OMG, did I just transition?  Did those pride flags all over Marin County do the voodoo that they do?  Men can get periods too, you know.

The remaining ride through suburban Marin was fairly flat, but each stoplight was an adventure as my legs would start cramping when not moving.  I just hoped to stay upright and avoid embarrassing myself while waiting for the lights to turn green.  There was a 600 km ride running that had started the previous day, and they were timed to finish around the same time, so I expected to see some of those riders, but no such luck.  Maybe just as well.  If they looked to be in better condition than me, I would have been annoyed.

One last steep climb out of Sausalito and up to the bridge remained.  I knew I could make it from here, even if I needed to stop for a break.  Turning the corner I was hit with a blast of wind funneled through the cut in the hill, but like a horse nearing water, I kept plugging away.  On the bridge the fog was thick, and the wind was howling.  Going around the towers was an adventure as the wind swirled buffeting me every which way.  I stopped to take off my glasses as they were wet from the mist, and I was reminded of my dad’s description of his PE classes in the West Portal neighborhood where they would stand on the blacktop in shorts and a t-shirt watching the fog blow through their legs while taking attendance.  I’m sure it built character.  I could feel my character building as well.

Thicc? No, thicker.

Off the bridge and it was all downhill and with the wind.  After almost 12 hours I pulled into the finish, luckily I managed to avoid cramps as I got off the bike saving my pride.  I’m trying to figure out what caused the cramps.  This was a tough effort with some steeper than expected climbs.  It was warmer than most of my long rides, and keeping the leg warmers on too long probably helped cook my legs.  But probably the biggest culprit was not filling up my bottles in Freestone, which meant I also didn’t get the electrolytes that I mix in.  To quote Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Camacho, “Never miss a chance to consume Brawndo.  It’s what legs crave.”

About The Author

JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

Am I being detained?

69 Comments

  1. DEG

    strangely it looks the same as it did when I was a kid in corduroy.

    SSSHHHHH!

  2. DEG

    Sir Francis Drake Boulevard into the town of Fairfax

    They have a road named after an old white guy? WTF?

  3. DEG

    “Never miss a chance to consume Brawndo. It’s what legs crave.”

    Hah!

    Yeah, that’s probably the cause of your cramps.

    Excellent pictures.

  4. Aloysious

    mmmmmmmm… sourdough. If your wife wasn’t already married, I’d say marry her. ¡Ándele!

  5. Ted S.

    I sat down on the bench and took off my leg warmers.

    [ imagines Jaime in 80s style leggings ]

    • dbleagle

      Does he sing “The Body Electric”?

      Nice description of the ride.

  6. Ted S.

    as I got closer I realized it was several vultures perched on fence posts with their wings spread to warm in the morning sun.

    Shouldn’t they be over in Bodega Bay?

  7. Ted S.

    and like my dad used to say, “Everyone likes a little ass.”

    Tres prefers a big ass.

  8. creech

    Enjoyed your ride. But I’m going to stop in Sausalito and have a few Anchor Steams and take the ferry back.

  9. rhywun

    steep 400 foot climb

    lol At my advancing age I can’t climb similar hills that start one block away to the east and south.

    On foot or bike.

  10. Fourscore

    Nice travelogue, Jaime. I enjoy just reading about it though. I don’t get quite so tired.

    I get leg cramps from not drinking enough liquid. I’m big on coffee but that only increases the output. I don’t walk enough because it’s not fun anymore. A lot of things, most things, aren’t fun anymore.

    • Tonio

      Coconut water. Srsly, dude. Coconut water.

      Yeah, it no taste good, but it’s a lot easier on your body than Gatorade, and replaces your electrolytes and fluids more better and gently. I drink at least one carton per day before walking / working out.

      Flavored versions (recommend pineapple) help with flavor but cost more than CostCo brand.

      • Fourscore

        I see about 8 cans of coconut water in the pantry but no jackfruit. No idea what the plan is for the coconut water, Mrs F isn’t into bike riding and carries a bottle of water when she steps outside.

        I won’t question her motives, she is the cook, I’m the consumer.

      • R C Dean

        Pater Dean swears by pickle juice to keep the cramps away. Takes a swig before he goes to bed at night.

      • rhywun

        Pater Dean swears by pickle juice to keep the cramps away. Takes a swig before he goes to bed at night.

        Interesting & tasty.

        I get bed cramps like once a year and it’s traumatic enough that I should probably try a preventative. That foam stuff seems to work after the fact and I think the bottle says it can prevent them but I never think to take it before.

      • Tres Cool

        Pickle brine is great for hangovers, too.

        I dont know how many Sunday mornings Ive sat in church burping Claussen’s pickles.

      • rhywun

        I dont know how many Sunday mornings Ive sat in church burping Claussen’s pickles.

        lol

        I went into a doctor’s appointment this morning at 8:30 slightly hungover – I wish I had known this trick earlier.

      • Aloysious

        Coconut water tastes better with rum in it.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        “I get bed cramps like once a year and it’s traumatic enough that I should probably try a preventative.”

        I wish. 2 out of three nights, and I take some pretty serious meds for it – Gabapentin and Ropinirole.

      • rhywun

        2 out of three nights

        😨 OMG

        Even wikipedia said IIRC “it is one of the most painful but common phenomena a human can experience”.

        I take gabapentin for some nasty neuropathy I have acquired in the last year. Not familiar with the other one you mentioned but TBH I haven’t had a leg cramp this year knock on fucking wood so maybe it helps there too.

      • Threedoor

        I get them about twice a year or so.

        Usual when I’ve worked too hard and am dehydrated. I need to take more magnesium. I usually forget it.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        As a friend of mine says, you hit 50 and the warranty wears off.

  11. Tonio

    After a series of steep climbs and sinuous descents…

    That’s some turgid prose, roadie.

  12. R C Dean

    That sounds . . . miserable.

    I’d rather go for a stroll on some palace grounds in Italy.

  13. Threedoor

    Took me a while to realize you were on a bicycle and not a bike.

    My mama always said I was special.

    • Brochettaward

      My Mama always told me I was born to be First. That there would never be another First like me. Brochettaward the First.

      • Threedoor

        Tis true.
        You are the most special.

      • Tres Cool

        “Only my mama loves me and she may be jivin’ too”

  14. Shpip

    Woke up this morning to find that my ship was sitting still in Tokyo Bay. Why hadn’t we docked yet?

    Apparently, last night someone tried to barge in on the local summer festival, and we had a sunken vessel near the shipping channel. Oopsie.

    • Chafed

      I blame Greta.

    • (((Jarflax

      You are waiting for the Emperor to order his officers to board the Missouri and sign the articles of surrender.

    • Ted S.

      I thought you had an old coat for your pillow and the earth was last night’s bed.

  15. Tres Cool

    “I sat down on the bench and took off my leg warmers. ”

    I…uh….?

    Can I get a ruling?

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      The judge declared them very sexy.

      • Ted S.

        You could shave your legs, too.

    • slumbrew

      He’s a maaaaniac, maaaaaniac on the floor…

    • rhywun

      Can I get a ruling?

      Gay.

      • Chafed

        That settles it. It’s official.

  16. slumbrew

    Alternate vulture caption:

    “Come at me, bro!”

    • rhywun

      They totally look like a drawing.

      • Threedoor

        Like something you would find in a Remington painting.

  17. Chafed

    I bet your wife’s bread bring all the boys to the yard.

    • slumbrew

      Damn right, it’s better than yours

      • Chafed

        Undoubtedly

  18. UnCivilServant

    I debated starting today with an offal pun… but I didn’t have the guts.

    • (((Jarflax

      Vent your spleen! Be a dangerous liver with your puns.

    • Tres Cool

      Boooo!

      (Im totally stealing that)

    • Gender Traitor

      😑

      Good morning, U, (((Jarfy, and homey.

      • Ted S.

        Good morning!

      • (((Jarflax

        Good Morning!

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, Ted’S.!

      • Gender Traitor

        It goes well so far! Pretty good chance for a quiet day at work, and I’ll get to leave a little early because we have another baseball game tonight. ⚾ How about you?

      • UnCivilServant

        In the office 🙁 . Plan to run some errands after work, then focus on finishing the painting I was working on.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Even live theater can’t come up with new ideas? Cats was batshit insane but at least it was original.

      • Ted S.

        Have you seen how many jukebox musicals there are?

  19. Grosspatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates. And UCS.

    • UnCivilServant

      Morning.

      How goes things with you and yours?

      • Grosspatzer

        Chillin’, reading a fantasy novel I found in the reading room here. “Orphans of Chaos”. Would have been a good title for my autobiography.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘patzie, Stinky, and Sean!

  20. Tres Cool

    937-419-216-234
    Its been a busy week traveling around northern ohio

    • Ted S.

      867-5309.