*EDITOR’S NOTE: This feature is now the Friday 7pm slot. Thank you for your caring or not caring*
Unwatched S02 E09 – Then Churchill Said to Me
Genre – Comedy
Movie Total Runtime – 2 Hour 38 Minutes
Spoilers – No
I feel like I’ve written this review before.
Much like Up Pompeii, this is a Frankie Howerd comedy where he starts with a direct to camera monologue. I am displeased. Unlike the longer running Roman styled sitcom, this series lasted six episodes. It is set in the British High Command bunker during the second world war, purportedly where Winston Churchill was based out of.
It is less extreme in the characters, all much more restrained in their caricatures. The laugh track seems to be on nitrous oxide, making noise at things that are not even amusing. This is a recurring problem in that I failed to notice a lot of the attempts at humor, and a lot I did notice fell flat. It has all of the shortcomings of sitcoms, and was almost certainly made for pennies. One episode had a post-war map on the wall. The borders of Poland were all too far west. The bunker set was clearly decorated with stuff the BBC had in it’s prop room, and the military uniforms were no different. But, as the modern BBC has shown, throwing money at the project wouldn’t have improved it any.
I want to stretch out this review to proper article length, but torturing a comedy is rarely entertaining. So, I’m going to give you a review double header instead.
Unwatched S02 E10 – Bond 18 – Tomorrow Never Dies
Genre – Action
Movie Total Runtime – 1 Hour 59 Minutes
Spoilers – Yes
Because of my age, the first Bond movie I saw was Goldeneye. So by virtue of first impressions, Brosnan gets a leg up in my Bond ratings. The sporatic nature of my film watching did mean that I didn’t follow all the films of his tenure.
This one opens with him doing actual reconnaissance of a very fake circumstance. An arms bazaar where the goods are actually on display. When moving goods that can be spotted by satellite like aircraft, tanks, etc, the deals are hashed out before anyone tries to smuggle the goods. This is for good reason, as the movie itself demonstrates as the opening action sequence is initiated when a cruise missile is sent to destroy the bazaar. Of course, they realize too late that some of the goods are nuclear. While hitting the bombs with a cruise missile won’t set them off, it could very well spread a lot of radioactive material. So Remington Steele has a problem to solve while our starter bad guys of Subway Chemist and Dirty Hippie get the chance to escape.
So we get lots-o-splosions as Bond steals the nuclear armed jet before the missile strikes and he flies off into the opening credits. Credits containing way too much obvious CGI over a forgettable song.
After the credits we get a UK ship being buzzed by Chinese jets claiming they are in Chinese territorial waters. Now, in the real world the Chinese claim everything as their waters, even those of other nations, but in fictionville, the villains have been diddling with the GPS system. I suppose I can’t really expect the filmmakers to know that the GPS satellites are just a bunch of atomic clocks in orbit and the positional calculations are done by comparing the lag in the times reported when queried. True, the sats also give their own position to help that math, but any GPS diddling wouldn’t work the way the movie depicts.
Dirty Hippie types something and a stealth ship exposits their plan to torpedo the British ship on the next flyby. The magic torpedo has a rock drill for a head but somehow cuts metal like butter. The UK ship sinks as the stealth ship shoots down one of the Chinese jets just to try to guarantee a war. The villains loot the sunken ship as Media Man has a meeting about creating catastrophes for his news. I think I might have seen parts of this one, but Media Man is such a forgettable villain that I forgot it. I don’t know if I saw the whole thing before. And that’s the real crime, isn’t it? A Bond villain is supposed to be fun, eccentric, entertainingly evil. Media Man is boring evil. Banal, one-dimensional, and lacking in personality or quirk.
Admiral Bellicose plays the part of unreasonable aggression, while the villain news article releases info they couldn’t possibly have at that time. So Bond goes to investigate Media Man. Poor Q delivers the car for the movie, a boring BMW. We get more product placement as the gadgets are explained. Standard fare. At Media Man’s party for the launch of his new news venture, Chinese Spy arrives. Her voice sounded familiar, so I went running to IMDB. Turns out the actress was Michelle Yeoh, who I know almost entirely from other people’s reviews of terrible Trek.
Dirty Hippie spots Bond on camera talking to Media Man’s wife. They talk up the influence of the media beyond all credibility, especially in the wake of the recent complete loss of belief in anything they say. Admittedly, this was 1997, before the distrust was impossible to hide. Anyway, Media Man’s goons invite Bond to a beating in the back room. Naturally this leads to a fight scene. After his escape, Bond goes to his hotel and drinks cheap vodka. Mrs. Media Man goes to get info from Bond, and while she’s there, Dirty Hippie cleans up the audio from the party, revealing she lied to him earlier. I don’t expect she’ll finish the film.
Bond sneaks back into Media Man’s building for some classic snooping. I can’t help but smile at the 3.5 inch disks still being typical office supplies. Bond steals the GPS Diddler hardware from Dirty Hippie’s safe as Chinese Spy breaks in. Security is alerted and we get a running gunfight between goons and Bond. With no named bad guys, not even henchmen, the results are pretty one-sided. Bond gets back to his hotel to find Mrs. Media Man dead. Goons try to break into the movie car while Herr Doktor Henchman threatens Bond. I’m getting Knight Rider episode impressions from the car hijinks. The car shenanigans make them hold off on the execution long enough for things to go sideways. Minus one Herr Doktor Henchman.
One gadget-laden car chase later – we transition to the buildup in the South China Sea. Bond gets air-dropped in scuba gear over the sunken ship and dives the wreck, where he finds Chinese Spy is doing the same. They manage to dislodge a many thousand ton vessel and cause it to sink deeper before fleeing to Vietnam. Of course, rapid surfacing doesn’t give them the bends. But they do get captured by the main henchman, who’s had so little influence on the plot I haven’t mentioned him before. The only effect he has this time is that Bond and Chinese Spy are now handcuffed together for the escape sequence after Media Man gives an uninspired motivation speech. I find it hard to believe neither of them can pick a handcuff lock.
During the chase, the helicopter door gunner is using an MP5K. Why? You’re a door gunner. Concealability isn’t a factor. Give the guy a full-sized machine gun rather than a kurtz smg. After failing to hit with a short-barrlled 9mm, the helicopter decides to try melee attacks with its rotors. I guess we’re playing by tabletop rules now.
I’m proven right about the handcuff lock immediately after the helicopter boss fight. You had at least an elevator ride to do that before the chase. We skip too quickly into a new fight scene before the two finally begin exposition on how the plan is meant to go forward. They also replenish gadgets and weapons, including the tragic trading of the PPK for the P99.
No euphemisms, they have a junk tow a dinghy out to the secret base where the stealth ship is hiding and try to mine it. For some reason, Media Man and Dirty Hippie are on the stealth ship for the operation, when they could be anywhere. Main Henchman captures Chinese Spy, while Bond fakes his death to slip inside. Bond captures Dirty Hippie and bluffs an exchange for the Chinese Spy. More to set up an ambush than for the exchange. Media Man kills Dirty Hippie just before the explosions start. These damage the stealth profile and the navy begins shelling.
I was going to give the movie a pass on the action tropes until they pulled the “shoot the control panel to kill the computer” one. Gunplay and more ‘splosions, all with A-Team levels of accuracy. Main Henchman again catches Chinese Spy as I’m expected to believe that Media Man is a match even for a worn out and battered Bond. He’s not, of course, and gets fed to the magic torpedo drill. Main Henchman at least looks the part, even if he’s been ineffectual the entire movie. Main Henchman gets blowed up and Bond rescues the Chinese Spy.
The movie is… okay. The unmemorable villain drags it down. In retrospect I’m fairly sure I had seen it – but forgot about it and couldn’t recall the plot or bad guy when doing my Bond Audit. That alone damns it. After all, you need at least one thing worth remembering about your movie.
The Media is the Enemy, even James Bond knew this. Not having seen this for a couple of decades, I believe media man was supposed to be a Rupert Murdoch parody.
No wonder he was such a boring villain.
I’m reminded of one of the few Jodie Whittaker-era Doctor Who episodes I watched before I gave up on the series. The bad guy was an American hotel mogul and pathetically obvious Trump copy. That may have been the very last episode I watched.
The worst part is the writers think they’re being so clever with those obvious references.
Donald ruined South Park too. Funny how that happens.
I found a Bond box set at Walmart the other day, $70 bucks for 20-something movies on Bluray.
“Yes, please!”
The last one is named “Skyfall” from 2012. I have no idea if there were any after that. I think the only post 1990 one I’ve definitely seen is “Die Another Day” and it was terrible.
There 2,I think, after Skyfall.
I stopped watching bond in the Brosnan era, I think? Don’t remember, but I did see the Daniel Craig first one, which was OK, nothing too special, and the second one was… bad, lets just call it that.
Oh right, I have seen that too. Did not care for it.
I really like Craig’s Casino Royale. Like, really like. It’s the first actually ‘violent’ with a Bond that looked the physical part. The poker poisoning is well done and fun. *thumbs up*
I do not like the others he’s in. Did not see Time to Die (I think that’s the name.)
Two things, ye bastids!
1. I NEED POASTS. GIVE ME MATRIEAL, BITTE. (UCS is now carrying this time slot.)
2. I am half in the bag and on the Zoom, come point and laugh.
Oh! Today’s Friday? Kinda got lost. I got work tomorrow, so good reminder. Tomorrow afternoon.
(Onward to reading tonight’s adventure.)
“Tomorrow Never Dies” shoulda been named “Tomorrow Never Lies,” cuz it’s good. “Tomorrow” is the name of media magnate’s paper, and he knows the news beforehand because he helps manufacture it. But “die,” cuz Bond.
Anyway, I think the villain’s scheme is a quite a clever one for a Bond flick, and it has a lot of potential in that regard. He has a stealth boat! That’s pretty cool! I also like the blonde, German henchman. I haven’t seen this in a long time, so I’ll read your review before I comment. I think Lucy Liu is in this one and Bond has a BMW (for fuck’s sake) that he can drive on his (then) tiny phone. That’s a good Bond gadget, real but ahead of its time.
Not a bad one, if I recall, but lacks any jaw-dropping Bond shit ya come to expect from ’em. Pretty good popcorn flick. (Been a long time.)
Not Lucy
Your reaction thoughts compared to my initial ones are very similar. Not sure how we should feel about that. The villain was definitely supposed to be a Murdoch thing, and just Media making money off of wars in general. I still think that’s a good modern, post-Cold War spy plot. Better than most, but more I think of it. Kinda all? (I may rethink that.)
Michelle. Gotcha. I’dda been fine with both. I remember the German henchmen being jacked in a still-athletic way. I couldn’t remember what war he was trying to spark (but I coulda figured it out) and I don’t remember the Dirty Hippy at all. I kept thinking of Boris in Goldeneye. *searches* Still don’t know. BUT!
Teri Hatcher: In this flick, that era, damn fine Bond girl. Would interrogate. (Consensually, natch.)
Who’s dirty hippy?! Gerard Butler is “Leading seaman!”
Ricky Jay’s in this. Love that guy. Why’s he in it? Oh. He was more a radio-comm guy in this, no?
My “Oh” was to conclude my suspicion that Ricky Jay is the Dirty Hippy. I’d trust him. Why not?
*”Tomorrow Never Lies” is good, as in ‘it’s a better title.’
UCS, you have a wonderful way with words and labels while ripping the crap out of a movie. I chuckled several times while reading
Only tangentally related, due to nautical themes described in said movie: The vaunted naval tradition of Great Britain, the UK has sunk so low they have been reduced to borrowing a German warship for a NATO exercise because theirs got sent to the Middle East to protect their Cyprus base.
Thank you. I do endeavor to entertain.
https://m.youtube.com/shorts/ZtyjY6VjF9Q
Fewer people die in the production of Unwatched Articles than in Gladiatorial games.
I thought about this for a long time, “Endeavor to entertain.” And when I had thought about it long enough, I declared war on the Glibertarians.
You could probably snuff me with a pillow right now and I wouldnβt have the strength to fight back.
“Mom has blamed Trump twice for oil prices to me”
I like people that agree with me.
Gas yesterday was 3.19.9. I put in $56.
Mark Felton just did a bit on that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gru2EDJvj9Q
From my limited experience with actual BBC/other British-produced program(me)s, I get the impression that anyone who has ever been marginally funny on any existing Brit comedy show gets their own series for at least a few episodes. Throw it against the wall and see what sticks?
That reminds me – I should snoop around and see if Catherine Tate’s series is available on DVD or Blu-Ray for not too many American dollars…
Sheβs pretty funny.
The BBC stuff can be stupid expensive.
I’ve seen a few of the sketches and particularly remember one where she’s a very drunk bride making a speech at her wedding reception. The ending is a bit bittersweet, as I recall, showing her all but passed out at the table after all the guests (and groom?) have left.
Well, six episodes is a normal series on the British system, so it’s a low risk, especially if you can use props on hand for the production.
Seinfeld started with six eps. That was a big abnormality in US TV back then, and I’ve no clue about now. Odd how that works sometimes.
Mom and SiL are separately going to their own No Kangz rally tomorrow. Don’t know if bro’s joining in. Mom has blamed Trump twice for oil prices to me, which I mostly agreed with, but also mentioned inflation. She also mentioned “Trump’s the WORST.” I let it go.
I’ll be at work. Hopefully, the Deep Blue Carmelites won’t need gas on their sacred quest to virtue loud and true. And keep’m away from us. Give me a chill pinch-hit day.
Seconded, Saruman. These are much fun. I enjoy your voice in unpacking them.
And I bet it was crickets when, in 2022, gas was over $5/gallon and inflation was said to be 9%, though Iβm sure it was closer to 15 or 20% had they not massaged the numbers.
18-18.5% is what I came up with using the standards of the early 80s.
I’m apparently not in the mood to do dishes. I briefly asked “how much would it cost to just throw these all out and buy new?”
I concluded it was too much, and went back to washing. I mean, I could toss the cheap chinese crap, but one of the pans was All-Clad. π¦
I’m apparently not in the mood to make something for dinner. I hate when that happens.
Oh dear. You need something.
I had skirt steak tacos.
I made leftover Costco (let me tell you how good they are!) chicken nuggets and crispy fries mixed with egg roll in a bowl and fried rice.
In an effort to clean out the refrigerator.
It was as awesome as you would expect. I plan to start a food truck!
Cracker Barrel mac ‘n’ cheese. Easy & no thought involved.
Bird’s Eye Cauliflower bacon cheese, baked an hour and added five strips of microwaved bacon of my own.
Their cheese sauce is damn good for what it is.
Comfort food for the win! ππ
*adds GT to cast hopefuls*
Addendum, I was never seriously going to toss washable dishes.
I was never seriously going to wash them. Rinse thoroughly in hot water.
You have to pull them.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wn8XFiAwLkM&t=1s&pp=2AEBkAIB
π±
My old single-life trick: Have two sets of dishes, like two cups, two bowls, etc. That way, you’re forced to clean ’em and they don’t accumulate. And use them only as necessary.
*knowing look, wisely taps noggin*
Who said anything about accumulation?
“I concluded it was too much” could refer to the amount of ‘effort,’ or ‘it’ could refer to all those dishes you, or perhaps a hypothetical you, have let stockpile in your sink.
Now, *I* assumed a fellow paragon of single male-dom had weighed the benefits of such. But other readers may have needed a self-depreciating tip.
I neglected to add, or rather, deleted it, I’m a big proponent of paper plates. Not for company. Gotta keep those plates clean for someone. (I use real plates when I’m actually cooking. Paper’s for snacks.)
Me: Was that the one Bono sang? ::DDGs it:: Sheryl Crow???
I think I was actually listening to current popular terrestrial radio in ’97 (bouncing between the local classic rock station and the “listen at work” station,) and I have no recollection of it. I think it’s safe to consider it forgotten.
I forgot it after the credits finished rolling, so…
Huh. Unexpected bit of spine.
Fantastic NCAA going on, and I hope y’all are enjoying it! I don’t follow minor league basketball, but the hockey championship’s going on. Penn State v Duluth. Tied at 1 mid 2nd period.
On that note. Cubs MLB: Why the fuck did you start on Thurs, then take Fri off, to finish the series over the weekend? Of the 25 off days ya get over a season, why waste one a fucking game into it? Why start on Thurs is the bigger question.
Evan’s displeased with this. *scribbles excuse down for later use*
I’m watchin’ with you Ev! Really good game. I love the NCAA hockey tournament.
My plan for tomorrow afternoon is to put some ribs on the smoker, sit in the garage and drink beer and watch NCAA hockey. Can’t wait to see my NoDak F’n Hawks remove the last remaining east coast team from the tournament.
And I normally wouldn’t say this but, go Daloot Dawgs! In the national tournament I can pull for our conference mates until it’s time for us to beat ’em.
I knew you’d come around sometime.
Well… I picked them on both of my brackets, so I have money on the line.
Oh, and fuck the Big Mistake
That’s no way to talk about MikeS.
This may be an incongruous comparison, but for my money*, the Jason Bourne movie series > the James Bond series.
*Disclaimer: I do not recall ever paying to see any of these movies other than what I shell out for cable. And I’ve only seen the first three Matt Damon movies.
I have zero knowledge of that series. Β―\_(γ)_/Β―
It just never piqued my interest at all.
I really like the first one. I’m sure I’ve seen but don’t recall the others.
Other than GoldenEye and Casino, I haven’t liked the new ones. But I was a kid and boom boom. I really like the older Connery ones, but that’s mostly for nostalgia and the way things were, and Sir Connery. The other Bonds are campy. The Timothy Dalton ones were actually kinda interesting, but I’d have to have a rewatch. They were trying to go more gritty, IIRC. Grace Jones!
I read the first book. Other than that, I am not a MattDamon fan but like Julia Stiles.
MattDamon. MattDamon.
He’s kind of a twat.
I liked his Stella Artois Super Bowl ad with David Beckham, but I’m fairly easily amused.
Julia Stiles
Rawr.
Speaking of Blue’s weak bench, uh. We’ve talked about him, but Fetterman recently is pulling more anti-crazy. Possibly a strong contender for ’28 if he keeps it up. Would be a smart play for Dems, but I don’t know if they have it in him. Far too early to see, but interesting.
*if Dems have it in them
I’ve talked about their weak bench, but he may be a crab who’s able (allowed?) to crawl out.
The base would not even recognize him as a Democrat.
You’re absolutely correct. “He wants controlled borders!! AND CHILDREN DEATH TENTS!”
Hate how it works, but this is a powerful corpse to make a stand on. Somehow better than a hot Ukrainian? (No.)
Posted about “Richard Williams, 83, who was described as a grandfather, cancer survivor and U.S. Air Force veteran, who was “randomly shoved onto subway tracks by an illegal migrant” in Manhattan.
Fetterman wrote:
“An alleged repeat criminal offender was allowed back on our streets and killed an Air Force veteran.
“This is precisely why I was the Democratic lead on the Laken Riley Law. ”
Why is it controversial for Democrats (to) support deporting criminal migrants?”‘
Iβm so glad that Oz lost.
That guy is a creep.
*looks at rhy’s dinner; compares notes*
Apparently, we should be roommates. I’ve noted other similarities. It’d be an interesting sit-com. (I also seem to remember you were into some yayo back in the day? That takes me back ten years. (Really, 18, other than that time. But I was in fucking Medellin. Wtf am I supposed to do?! NOT partake? Puh-leeeze.))
That’d be a fun pilot.
I’ve never heard that term but yes. Ended more than ten years ago.
No, the base is too blood thirsty, and only has eyes for ANTITRUMP.
Newsom it is.
Heβs so dreamy!
Rare live Aussie footy here. On a Fox sports channel that appeared on my lineup only this year for some reason. And most of these start at 4am which is a challenge these days.
On Bond + hockey: Jack White said long ago, before it got this famous, that he wrong Seven Nation as a throwaway Bond-theme riff. 1) It’s really good as one, sucks he didn’t write a good song when he actually got a chance to do a Bond film, 2) it’s remarkable, and gotta be remarkably weird for him, how that bass line is so international, not only played, but sung out by crowds at every big event.
The audience just did it during the game, the middle school horn band played it during nephew’s volleyball game, and ya hear it in Korea and everywhere. I imagine I’d be mighty pleased, were that my creation. (I might also really wish they’d pick up on something I was actually proud of to begin with.)
People be people and they like certain things. Sociologically interesting for that to be globally, universal ‘powerful’ like that. I like Jack White, though I don’t know what he’s up to these days. White Stripes was a very positive change in early 2000s music, my high school, and mostly really, really good songs. I played a Raconteurs song, Steady as She Goes, with our cover band in Korea, that album is solid. He also gets a big pass for shit like his work with Loretta Lynn. Good to do shit like that. I really like their song Portland.
Also a twat. Despite the fact that you make listenable music, your opinions on jack shit else are irrelevant.
Make more music. Stop being a twat.
Hmph if you say so.
Agree he’s a twat. He had fun stuff on American Pickers!! (Uh huh. That’s where rockers go now they have blue hair for whatever reason.)
I like all the White Stripes and the Raconteurs, and I forgot the Dead Weather. Chick sings. (Ah, Alison Mosshart. *mini-swoon*) Add work with Lynn, etc, and he’s done far more good than bad. (His James Bond song, for example.)
PON gets it.
This was your first Bond flick, UCS? What are you? 30?
Lord I feel old.
Matt Dillon away from Ben Afflack is warchable.
I thought Teh Hype was the only Glib who talked about Matt Dillon. π€