More Old Time Web Cruelty

by | Mar 19, 2026 | Fun, Rant | 55 comments

In a previous post, I extolled the wondrousness of the web back in the early ’00s. I thought it would be good to bring out another helping of how weird the web was before the big timers got their hooks into it.

A Clean Sheath Is A Healthy Sheath

News you can use from your ancestors. How to take care of a real hose dick.

Male horses (stallions and geldings) should have their sheaths cleaned periodically by their owners. Why does a horse’s sheath need to be clean? Smegma! Smegma is an accumulation of secretions from sebaceous glands in the horse’s sheath. These secretions, in accumulation with dirt, result in the waxy ‘smegma’ that owners must remove from their horse. How often one should clean his or her horse’s sheath will vary with each individual horse. Some horses may require monthly cleaning while others only require biannual cleaning. Smegma will vary in type from a dry crusty consistently to a smelly damp excretion that will require more frequent cleaning.

Salon Reviews Drive-Thru Strip Club

Back when Salon was only a big pile of suck. (not the current enormous pile of suck). They sent an intrepid reporter out to review the country’s only drive-thru strip club.

She presses her breasts to the glass, then turns around to bend over against it. She has just a few moves — fewer even than the women who, until recently, wiggled behind David Letterman every night. But what the hell is she moving to?

In the silence of my car, Bunny’s sole soundtrack is the rush of the trucks on the highway. The only thing odder than the glass that separates us is this silence.

I turn up the radio. Unfortunately, my six minutes straddle 4 p.m. on a weekday, and I’ve got the radio tuned to an NPR station. Robert Siegel — or is it Noah Adams? — is suddenly announcing that a Palestinian mob has been tossing Israeli soldiers out of windows. A definite mood breaker. I punch in the tape sticking out of the player. A very young Paul Simon — or is Art Garfunkel? — begins a lamentation about Bleecker Street.

I can’t believe he didn’t find NPR talking about Hamas killing Israelis arousing and tried to change the channel.

Spot the Glib!

Pics from a Star Wars convention back when it was still something that only nerds did. I’m not going to call out any of the Glibs by name, but I’m sure that there are a few of them.

Nothing to really quote here. The captions to the pics are some Grade A snark though.

Mexican Sharpshooter isn’t the only one who knows his way around cheap booze

Back in the Old Days you could learn how to make pruno at home without having to suffer through a slide show or other click bait traps!

By most accounts, pruno isn’t something a normal human would want to drink, so potent that two gallons is said to be “a virtual liquor store,” enough to get a dozen people mindblowingly wasted. And while it tastes so putrid that even hardened prisoners gulp it down while holding their noses, they’ll go to incredible lengths to make it, whipping up batches from frosting, yams, raisins and damn near everything.

If Only Tampon Tim Had Known This!

Tim Walz could have secured the presidency for Kamala if he had known about this product. When people started calling him Tampon Tim, he could have pulled one of these out. No one would have ever doubted his manliness again!

The basic idea is that the woman carries the protective device in her vagina. In it there is a sharp pin which has a penetrating effect on the perpetrator’s penis in the event of a rape. The construction is such that the pin still cannot injure the bearer.

About The Author

Pope Jimbo

Pope Jimbo

Hardest working man at the Honey Harvest.

55 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    The basic idea is that the woman carries the protective device in her vagina. In it there is a sharp pin which has a penetrating effect on the perpetrator’s penis in the event of a rape.

    Why not line it with crushed glass?

    • UnCivilServant

      I have a question regarding these devices (there are a few different designs out there) what percentage of attempted rapists who now have a bleeding member are going to angrily murder the woman in retaliation?

    • kinnath

      Ah, the Irish Catholic solution.

      • Sensei

        You Catholic girls wait much too late!

    • EvilSheldon

      Wasn’t this a minor plot point in Snow Crash?

      • kinnath

        Yes

      • Pine_Tree

        Minor overall. Major to the Terminatorish Eskimo, whatever his name was.

        Although iirc it was like “immediately unconscious”, anything applied that way would count as major.

  2. The Other Kevin

    Around this mythical time I first learned HTML, and hand coded web sites in Notepad. The only time in my life that I was all up on the hot new tech. It’s also the time I was figuratively standing over a treasure chest buried in 6″ of sand. I had everything I needed to build CDNow or CDBaby, I just didn’t have the idea.

    • Furthest Blue pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      first learned HTML

      *buffs fingernails*

      I programmed the first website for Norf Dakota State University. It lasted for 24 hours, before a non-student professional squashed it.

      But…I was a Firster.

      • UnCivilServant

        Skipped the unit on closing tags, did you??

      • Furthest Blue pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        And I fucked up the html in my own crowing post. So much for my wicked coder skills.

    • UnCivilServant

      It was the decade I was in college, so I learned HTML at that time as well.

      The professors were so excited about this new thing called Google.

    • Rat on a train

      Bring back blink and marquee!

      • The Other Kevin

        Oh you know I used those.

      • UnCivilServant

        Geocities or Angelfire?

      • The Other Kevin

        There was a local guy who had a hosting company called SurfNet.

  3. The Other Kevin

    I love your tag line Jimbo. Always poking the bees’ nest, as it were.

  4. Drake

    “Pics from a Star Wars convention back when it was still something that only nerds did”

    I missed that memo.

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s past time to brick up the buildings to keep the Harvardians inside, then cut the telecommunications links. Protect the world from them.

    • (((Jarflax

      No way! I am reliably informed that the Jews are behind all the woke crap, and run the world’s major institutions!

    • Rat on a train

      From the river to Beacon Street, Harvard will be Jew free …

    • Gdragon

      Most of the Harvard alums in my friend and contact lists are Jewish. Almost all of them really. That’s wild.

    • R.J.

      Pretty damn funny though

      • Sensei

        Comments are annoying.

        I’m willing to cut the reporter some slack, but ask a better question. “Why did you feel it necessary not to involve your allies in your decision to go to war with Iran”.

        Answer – “Most of them will leak it to Iran. They are unreliable and fickle.”

      • UnCivilServant

        Hell, people in our own government will leak it to Iran. Why make it more widely known?

    • UnCivilServant

      I can’t speak to the Japanese mentality. To say the war went badly for them is an understatement.

      But you have to move forward for scars to heal, even atomic scars.

      • Sensei

        Asia gets a taste of its own treatment. The whole Confucian respect for ancestors is a big driver of the animosity in the far east.

        Ask Japan about Unit 731. “Don’t know records lost during the war.” I understand why this antagonizes China.

      • (((Jarflax

        Records traded to the US for amnesty is more accurate. Shiro Ishii made Mengele look ethical

      • Sensei

        One of my Japanese friends was friends with a nurse at U 731 who spoke out about what she saw there.

        Very little of the MSM would pick her story up and she was not exactly beloved for bringing it up.

      • Raven Nation

        My understanding is that Unit 731 continued operating into the 1990s trying to create a human-alien hybrid.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      That’s funny, but one of those times when he should probably restrain himself.

    • kinnath

      The man does not give a fuck about protocols.

      It’s one of the few things I actually like about him.

    • The Other Kevin

      Was it over when the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor?

    • Sensei

      It’s an F-35 are we sure it wasn’t a life support issue?

  5. The Late P Brooks

    What part of surprise attack don’t you understand?

    • Rat on a train

      We tried to schedule but they wouldn’t agree to a time.

      • UnCivilServant

        The Iranians wanted to hold the surprise attack in Jerusalem.

  6. Not Adahn

    I wonder if a prominent lawyer would make a celebratory Afroman post?

      • Not Adahn

        How many people who get sued get to watch their tormentors cry on the stand?

      • The Other Kevin

        Proof positive we still live in the greatest country in the world. No black pilling today. We should make this an unofficial holiday.

      • Not Adahn

        Afroman needs to drop the name of his tailor.

        In addition to his flag suit, he’s got a mudflap woman patterned suit.

    • Not Adahn

      Now I want lemon pound cake.

    • The Other Kevin

      Fake. I saw on THE NEWS that immigrants use LESS welfare and commit LESS crime. THE NEWS never lies.

    • kinnath

      I haven’t even started my taxes yet. I don’t want to see this shit.

      • R.J.

        Indeed.

  7. Aloysious

    You know, I think I’m going to have to buy a cassock, so I can dress appropriately when I read a post from His Popeness.

    Also, soundtrack.

  8. Aloysious

    A Clean Sheath Is A Healthy Sheath

    Have you been reading Minotaur Milking Farm?

  9. Aloysious

    Spot the Glib!

    Incorrect and/or missing gloves. Not UCS. No green, not RJ. I’m stumped.

    • R.J.

      I only go to Harry Potter conventions where I can run around with a broom between my legs, humming the soundtrack. Whee!

      I am kidding. But now you have to deal with that mental image.

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