ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. TO CONCLUDE THE DAY OF THE CRYPTIDS, ZARDOZ WILL GIVE ADVICE OF SUPERIOR QUALITY. NO MERE BRUTAL CAN ADVISE THE CHOSEN ONES IN CORRECT BEHAVIOR! THE ADVICE MUST STAY TRUE TO THE PRINCIPLES OF THE VORTEX! 1) THE PENIS IS EVIL! 2) THE GUN IS GOOD! 3) THE FILTH OF BRUTALS MUST BE CLEANSED.

THEREFOR, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

Q: I’m a 35-year-old single mom. I’ve dated a few people over the last seven years, but none of them wanted to commit. Several months ago, I started seeing “Joey,” a friend of a couple of years. He’s sweet, respectful, hardworking, and he helps me whenever I need it.

Joey is on the heavy side, but he’s clean and kempt. I introduced him to my mom, and she continues to say he is “gross.” She refers to him only as “that man” and never by his name. He has always been very polite and has never said anything to her out of the way.

My son and I have lived with Mom ever since my divorce, and I have helped her out with more than my share of the bills and groceries. I’m currently trying to buy a house, but the market is competitive with the low interest rates. I work full time, take great care of my son and do lots of chores around the house.

How can I convince my mother to accept Joey, or should I ignore what she says as long as he’s good to my son and me?

A: ZARDOZ IS GOING TO HAVE TO SIDE MOM ON THIS ONE – DO YOU NOT RECALL THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL? BUT IF YOU MUST PERSIST IN YOUR HERESY, THEN THERE IS AN EASY SOLUTION. HAVE “JOEY” GIVE MOM A HUG, AND “ACCIDENTALLY” FALL OVER AND SMOTHER HER WITH HIS BULK. ONCE SHE HAS BEEN CLEANSED, YOU INHERIT THE HOUSE. WIN-WIN. YOU ARE WELCOME.

 

Q: My younger sister is a bipolar, narcissistic, psychotic, evil woman with bachelor’s and master’s degrees in psychology and counseling. She has hated me from birth. I know exactly what she is, and she can’t stand that I do.

She spreads lies about me because our mother was alive for my wedding and not for hers and, according to her, it’s my fault. (Mama died 10 years ago.) I made her maid of honor at my wedding and godmother to my child, but no matter what I do, she complains to anyone who will listen about what a horrible person she thinks I am. Because of her education, family members believe everything she says without question.

Our adult lives have been spent with her shutting me out and gossiping about me to extended family. How can I convince my relatives to listen to me? I have no one on my side when it comes to her because the family knows about her mental health issues and tell me to get over it. I can’t! Please help me.

A: ZARDOZ MUST MAKE SURE HE HAS THE DATA CORRECT ON THIS… YOU SAY YOUR SIBLING HAS HATED YOU FROM BIRTH, IS BIPOLAR, NARCISSISTIC AND EVIL. YET YOU MADE THIS PERSON YOUR MAID OF HONOR AND THE GODPARENT OF YOUR CHILD? NOW THAT IS SOME PARENTING THAT ZARDOZ CAN APPROVE OF! THIS WILL INEVITABLY LEAD TO AT LEAST ONE MURDER, MAYBE A MURDER-SUICIDE. ZARDOZ SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

IF NO SUCH CLEANSINGS OCCUR, THE ONLY USE FOR THE LOT OF YOU IS THE GRAIN FIELDS.

TIME TO WORK OUT THOSE MENTAL ISSUES.

 

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.