Ask Animal!
Ask Animal
My colleagues ZARDOZ and STEVE SMITH have been offering advice and counsel to Glibs, lurkers, ladies and gentlemen and persons of irregular birth for some time now, so I thought I’d join the fun. However, just to set myself apart, instead of lifting advice requests from the papers I’ll present some that I’ve dealt with personally over the years.
All names have been changed to protect the… uh… correspondents.
Bad Idea?
Dear Animal –
My daughter is getting married next month, and I’m a little concerned about her wedding. You see, when she was a little girl, she really liked her Uncle Phil, who is my older brother. Not in any funny way, mind you; Phil just likes kids, has none of his own, and was always “the fun uncle.” The problem is these days Phil is “the drunk uncle.” Phil never fails to get embarrassingly drunk at every family function, and always makes a spectacle of himself. Nevertheless, my daughter really, really wants Uncle Phil at the wedding.
I’m afraid Phil will show up plastered, make a scene, and ruin my daughter’s big day. She won’t consider not inviting him. What should I do?
Barbara Sue Hornswoggle, Middlefield, ND
Dear Babs –
First of all, congratulations to your daughter and her fiancée. Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.
Now, as for Uncle Phil: This is a sticky situation indeed. You should bear in mind that this is your daughter’s big day, not yours, so please don’t be the overbearing Mom. She should make all the decisions as to who attends her wedding. She is (presumably) a grown woman and has no doubt seen her Uncle Phil in what is apparently his usual state of inebriation and is aware of the likelihood of his making a scene. Granted drunk people can sometimes act in ways that are embarrassing to the people around them. Believe me, I know; as evidence I could refer you to a certain Zoom chat I sometimes attend on Fridays and Saturdays.
Mind you, this doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about this.
I’m guessing your future son-in-law will be having a bachelor party. Find a time to quietly talk to his best man about this, as the best man is usually the one organizing the event. Indicate that he should schedule the party for the night before the wedding, and invite Uncle Phil. Advise him as to Phil’s favorite booze, and make sure they have plenty of it in stock. Pay for it if you need to. They should let him get good and drunk, in fact if he passes out, all the better.
Now – and this is the tricky bit – provide them with the following:
- A prepaid cheap motel room.
- A ball gag.
- Several rolls of duck tape.
I’m sure the boys will figure out the rest. Just make certain someone drops around to the cheap motel after the wedding to cut Uncle Phil loose.
Bad Dog!
Dear Animal –
Like a lot of families, we have a dog. His name is Rex. We got Rex as a rescue at the local animal shelter, and he’s nothing special, just a big mutt, but he’s lovable and we love him.
He does have one bad habit, though. He insists on drinking out of the toilet. We’ve tried keeping the lids closed, but we also have two teenaged boys, whose personal behavior isn’t much more sophisticated than Rex’s. They constantly forget to close the toilet lids and, next thing you know, there’s Rex, lapping away at the toilet water.
Do you have any suggestions as to how to stop him doing this?
Stanley G. Hopsberry, Toobin, ME
Dear Stan –
When I was a kid, we lived in a house that had a septic tank, rather than a city sewer setup. In fact, I live in a house with just such a setup now as well. As the septic tank requires periodic pumping and that costs money, it makes sense to minimize the amount of liquid you put down the septic system; therefore, the rule on flushing in such homes is “if it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.” Needless to say, dogs in such homes almost never drink out of the toilets. So, try leaving the toilet unflushed for a while.
If you also have a cat, I have a rather creative solution for dogs that enjoy litter box cookies as well. Of course, your cat would have to enjoy ghost peppers in its food. If it doesn’t, you could try force-feeding the critter the ghost peppers. Trust me, it’s lots of fun entertainment for the whole family. Have you any shoulder-high leather gauntlets? You’ll need them.
Bad Skin.
Dear Animal –
My teenage son has really bad acne. He’s tried every remedy available at the drug store. We’ve taken him to the doctor, who referred him to a dermatologist, who tried every pill, cream, and potion he knew of, and the boy’s acne just keeps getting worse.
Now, he is to the point where he’s trying quack nostrums he’s finding online. The latest? How cheese soup. He’s eaten tons of the stuff. He spent all the money from his part-time job buying cheese soup, and now is borrowing money to buy more. I’m afraid it will make him fat, but it’s sure not helping his acne any. Can you help?
- Mortimer Bellows, Reading, CA
Dear Morty –
Your son is going about this all wrong. No matter how much hot cheese soup he eats, it won’t help his acne any. The very notion is just silly. Seriously, your son (and, apparently, you) need to stop believing everything you see on the internet.
Numerous studies done by some people in white lab coats someplace – I’m not sure but I think they are the same people who are advising the government on the COVID pandemic – have shown that eating hot cheese soup won’t help with acne. No, what your boy needs to do is soak his face in the hot cheese soup, morning and evening. It may not help his acne right away, but at least it will give him (and you) something else to concern himself with in the meantime.
Also, your son’s bad skin condition indicates he may not be eating properly. Add some broccoli to the cheese soup. At least that way, there’s a chance he may accidentally ingest a vegetable while treating his acne.
Bad Neighbors!
Dear Animal –
I’m seventy-eight years old, and I just married a young lady aged twenty. When we married, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with her, sexually. But that hasn’t been a problem at all. In fact, we go at it night and day. Just yesterday, we did it when we woke up, then again in the shower, on the breakfast table, and twice on the living room floor before she went to work. I won’t go into what happened that evening.
Many men would be envious, but there’s a problem. You see, we live in small apartment. Our upstairs and downstairs neighbors, not to mention the ones on either side, are constantly complaining about the noise. We’re pretty enthusiastic, you see.
How can I explain this to my neighbors? I’m a little worried that if I fail to keep satisfying her, she’ll leave me for a younger man. At the same time, I’m worried that they’ll get the superintendent involved, and I don’t want to lose my apartment. What shall I do?
Hamilton A. Vigoda, Brooklyn, NY
Dear Ham –
I’m afraid I can’t properly advise you without some more information, so I’ll have to ask some questions:
What the hell are you eating? Oysters? Asparagus? Bananas? Garlic?
Are you taking any over-the-counter supplements, like Vitamin E?
How’s your blood pressure? Do you exercise regularly (other than the sex, I mean)?
Please answer as quickly as possible. Mrs. Animal and I eagerly await your reply.
Trust me, it’s lots of fun entertainment for the whole family.
I don’t think that Clean the projectile cat diarrhea off the ceiling fan is fun or entertaining.
Can confirm. Had a cat that ate an entire stick of butter once.
L O L. I can’t wait to see what you come up with during the long night of the far north.
em>Hamilton A. Vigoda
Sounds fishy.
1. Tag fail.
2. I really need to figure out how to stay awake long enough to catch the entertainment portion of the Zooms.
I was thinking more “smells fishy”.
*searches memory bank for reference. finds nothing.*
Ancient History is hard.
And don’t forget to hang the Do Not Disturb sign!
Mr. Ham was just looking for an outlet to brag. I’ll need to hear the audio recording to believe it.
There is video on some website, or so I’ve heard.
So we’ve decided that Mr. Ham is really OMWC?
“Aren’t you worried sex will be fatal?”
“If she dies, she dies!”
Half way through the first one, I thought “wow, unlike Smith and Zardoz, he’s (sorry, I just assumed your pronouns) going to do a semi-serious version of this.” I think it was still possible right up to the kitty and ghost peppers. Maybe even into number 3? But soaking in hot cheese sauce was a bridge too far. I think. Number 4 is totally serious. Please follow up with the responses.
If any of these aren’t serious, they should be.
I don’t believe that old guy was writing from Brooklyn, sounds more like Cicely, Alaska; minus the close neighbors of course.
Cicely, Alaska
That’s immediately where my mind went as well.
Best show ever.
Dear Babs – before turning the groomsmen loose for an evening of bondage and consent play with Uncle Phil, have them look up ‘compartment syndrome’ on Google. A review of the legal penalties associated with kidnapping might also be useful.
Really, a better option might be the traditional – once Uncle Phil passes out, strip him butt-ass-nekkid, cut the wires on the motel room phone, and remove anything from the room that could be used to preserve the modesty of a hung-over boomer. Then leave.
Or, just hook him up with a fat chick. Problem solved, problem staying solved.
Just make certain someone drops around to the cheap motel after the wedding to cut Uncle Phil loose.
I read “wedding” as “weeding”.
I think Hamilton needs to invite his neighbors in for the fun. That’ll keep them from complaining.
it makes sense to minimize the amount of liquid you put down the septic system
?♂️
Good stuff, Animal.
As the septic tank requires periodic pumping and that costs money, it makes sense to minimize the amount of liquid you put down the septic system
I often hear this. Our place has septic and the previous owners/builders rigged the washing machine to dump out into the field rather than into the septic to minimize liquid dumped in it. My wife’s family (who all have septic systems) thought this was genius.
I don’t get it. Doesn’t the leach field drain the liquid from a septic tank? It shouldn’t matter how much liquid you dump in it as long as the amount is within the capacity of the tank to drain out before it overfills. A septic tank only holds about 1,500 gallons while a family of four uses about 12,000 gallons of water/month. We get ours pumped every 3 or 4 years. Am I missing something?
As I understand it, most of the solids drop to the bottom and are “processed” by a bacterial culture that lives in the tank and, yes, the leach field drains off the water that is at the top of the tank. When the tank is pumped out, it’s mostly that “slurry” of waste at the bottom. A septic company that knows their stuff will give you some stuff to flush that helps re-establish the culture after pumping.
I guess there’s really not too much issue to be concerned about the old “if it’s yellow” rule, but that’s what the Old Man always harped on and I guess it’s something of a habit. Our leach field actually drains onto the empty lot to our south, which we’re trying to buy from the absentee owner; I’m now wondering if there’s a negotiating tip in there someplace.
We used the “if it’s yellow” rule when it rained at my house growing up because some rainwater would get into the tank and fill it up. If it rained long enough for hard enough, the toilets would back up.
Of course, that’s an installation/maintenance issue, not a standard operating characteristic.
Generally, I’m skeptical of babying septic systems. Maybe I’m naive, but I’ve lived in houses with systems in various levels of disrepair, and they still mostly functioned fine if installed correctly. I’m particularly skeptical of the implication that “diluting the tank” by putting 30 gallons down the drain somehow harms the bacteria. Perhaps the detergent is harmful to the bacteria, but is one tide pod gonna sterilize 1500 gallons of water? Not likely.
I’m also quite skeptical of the claims that garbage disposals are some major threat to the tank fauna. Poop is fine, but cucumber peels aren’t? Really?
I think the issue with garbage disposals is that they put indigestible stuff into the tank. I had to have major repairs done on a septic system because the idiot renters put watermelon? cantaloupe? seeds down the drain which clogged the leach field.
That makes more sense.
^^This
Your septic tank is meant to maintain a certain water level, where the solids sink to the bottom and the greases and fats float to the top. As more water enters the effluent from the center drains to your laterals/leach field.
The sunken solids and the floating greases get broke down and eaten by the biome (yeasts ad bacteria) and their waste feeds into the effluent.
So the middle water in the tank is what gets pushed out.
If you’re careful about what you put into your tank and keep the biome healthy, you’ll only rarely need to have it pumped.
If you’re flushing plastic applicators and cigarette butts, you’re gonna need to do it a lot more regularly.
“Shitter’s full, Clark.”
My house growing up never had, nor needed it’s septic tank pumped. And we were a family of five living there for fifteen years.
Yes, this is as it should be. I get the feeling that many septic systems are improperly designed/installed.
The house I grew up in needed its tank pumped. Family of six, with seven during the brief time my older brother’s first wife-now-first-ex-wife lived with us.
It didn’t have a maintenance port like some newer systems have, so we had to dig it up.
My older brother was still living at home and my dad was unemployed, so my dad decided it was my job to dig up the tank. Actually, thinking more about it, my older brother might have been working at that point unlike our dad.
I hadn’t had my growth spurt yet. The shovel was longer than I was tall. My dad thought I worked too slow for his tastes, so every now and then he’d come outside, bitch at me to work faster, then swing a pick to break up some of the soil, then head inside.
The guy that pumped out the tank had a great sense of humor. His company’s advertising slogan was on the back of his truck. It read, “NUMBER ONE IN THE NUMBER TWO BUSINESS.” My dad, the guy, and I traded lots jokes about PennDOT employees.
After pumping out the tank, it was my job to fill in the hole. Some of the dirt from the hole had gotten onto and covered the slate that formed something of a back porch. A thunderstorm came in before I got that dirt off the porch into the hole. After the storm, the congealed mess of clay like soil hardened to be just as hard as the slate. The slate remained buried. I don’t know if the people that bought the house from my parents ever found the slate.
It depends on a lot of things, soil condition, soil type, water table, etc…
Growing up, we had a septic system at sea level. You can imagine the joys that brought.
On topic?
https://twitter.com/buitengebieden_/status/1441395986841145345
Dear Animal,
I know when I order a latte at Starbucks I’m going to get a latte. But when I go other businesses how do I know I’m going to have a happy ending with my purchase?
Illegal massage parlors outnumber Starbucks 2 to 1 in NYC — and here’s why
/Sensei
Heyoooo!
Dear Sensei –
Ask in advance.
– Animal
That kid has had some work done. Also, I don’t believe this guy didn’t know what was up at the massage parlor.
Yeah, love the “seemingly innocent webpage”, with the skimpily clad hottie literally raising her skirt to show you her bright red underwear.
Nothing unusual at all there.
Uh huh… and his mom just coincidentally happens to be some sort of “activist” in this area.
The whole story reeks. Also, “brothels”. Really?
OT: Just released Lee-Enfield Porn from Gun Jesus: Charger Loading Lee-Enfield Mk I India Pattern
What do you do if you are pregnant and your ankles are swollen? Asking for a friend.
Is it from being the He-Mom to the First That Will Change All The Things?
(Asking for a friend, too).
Asking for a friend.
You don’t have any friends.
*Runs from the room crying*
I DO, TOO!! THEY’RE NOT ALL IMAGINARY!!!
Try putting her ankles up above her head.
Regarding teenage boys with acne – if Boy suffers from backne, do you advise scrubbing up withe broccoli-cheese combo?
Nicely done, Animal. This gave me exactly the chuckle I needed mid-day while the world comes unglued.
On letter #1: A few years ago I went to a fancy wedding at a high-end resort for one of the wife’s co-workers. Bride’s uncle shows up in a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey and proceeds to get completely hammered. He’s doing some sort of funky chicken-type thing on the dance floor, grabbing women, etc. He decides to go take a break in his room, but is found passed out in the hallway in front of his room, door key in hand.
Later on, the bride and some friends are sitting around a fire pit on an outdoor patio, when the groom comes up, calls the bride a “stupid fucking bitch,” and hurls his wedding ring at her.
It was great.
Wow.
So was this normal groom behavior or did he get plastered and confess his cold feet too late?
Nah, he is a fairly easy-going guy. He came-to the next morning and said, “This is going to cost me a lot of money” in terms of apologetic jewelry offerings and such. They have babies now and all seems quite well.
To be fair, the bride was a stupid fucking bitch.
Destined for a lifetime of connubial bliss, right there.
Believe me, I know; as evidence I could refer you to a certain Zoom chat I sometimes attend on Fridays and Saturdays.
Hey! At least I kept my clothes on!
Well, most of the time.
Funny!
Dear zoomers who know my life story (I don’t even need to be drunk to spill everything), we got the house we wanted! As GT would say, O frabjous day!
Congratulations!
*celebratory gunfire*
??
Happy gunfire is always better than angry gunfire.
Excellent!
Hallelujah!
Congrats!
That’s wonderful! Congrats!
Yes indeed! And in honor of this auspicious occasion AND by the power invested in me by me, I hereby declare today to be an OFFICIAL Frabjous Day!
You can all take the rest of the day off! ?
*logs off, closes laptop*
I wish.
*laptop goes “bling” – someone wants my attention*
Argh.
Jugsy went all-in on the Apple Flavor-Aid. IPhone, Apple watch, MacBook Pro (dont ask me how much one of THOSE costs in 2021). When she’s home and gets either a text or call, 3 devices go off in the house.
Great news!
Caloo, callay!!
Well I’m a half dozen phone calls into talking to attorneys concerning my snafu with the elderly neighbor.
By the time the day is over I may actually have one who considers this inside their wheelhouse and can take it on, but so far nobody has communicated that I’m up shit creek without a paddle yet.
No good deed….
Exactly.
Fingers crossed for you, Scruffy.
Best wishes.
Best of luck. I once had the pleasure of serving on a jury for a similar situation which wound up in criminal court. By the time the case was done, the only thing we could agree on was that everybody involved was an asshole. Not the case here, I’m sure, but this sort of thing can get ugly.
The sad part is that she is going to end up exactly where she didn’t want to be, a ward of the state.
We’ve at least got recordings of her wishes and intentions prior to the mental break this weekend and we’ve taken nothing from her except some reimbursement for minor purchases.
Let it serve as a lesson to everyone that you cannot predict how someone will behave, particularly if they’re under stress and elderly. You have to cover your ass or you can end up in a bad situation very quickly.
What happened? I got the gist of the story(with the mental break and all), but not your latest development. Are you being sued?
Fully in limbo. I notified her lawyer that she was in the hospital and that I would probably be retaining counsel as a precautionary measure because of the hallucinations and accusations.
We’ve had no further contact with the neighbor and will wait to see if anyone contacts us, whether it be her, a nurse, her attorney, or a social worker.
With any luck, she comes back to her senses, but it greatly alters things as it moves forward in any case.
Good luck.
I don’t even want to be a trustee for family anymore. People be weird.
Dear Animal,
How do I walk back hurtful comments I’ve made about competitor’s products when I face the same issue?
“The doors fit properly, the plastics and other materials color-match, the bumpers don’t fall off, the roof doesn’t come off when you wash it, the door handles don’t get stuck in cold weather,” Palmer said of Ford’s electric offerings.
Ford recalling over 17,000 electric Mustang Mach-Es in US because windshields might detach
/s Darren Palmer, Ford VP
electric Mustang Mach-E SUVs
water rainbow ice cream Doppler pencils
I saw one of those abominations on the road the other day.
Blech.
Interestingly, I was in my Mustang, which is a proper Mustang.
I will never understand why they decided to dilute the value of the ‘Mustang’ brand with that thing.
I don’t know either.
My boss wants one and adamantly disagrees when I say that’s not a mustang.
teh brand recognition!1
You’ve been around for 100 years, create a new brand.
I saw one for the first time last week.
What a dismal vehicle. Slapping the iconic pony on it is the proverbial lipstick on a pig.
I don’t think it’s a bad vehicle. It’s a transportation appliance.
But with both Bronco and Mustang, Ford has determined that those names have far more positives than name Ford + “something else”. I think it is short term thinking. But that is the norm today.
I concur – it’s not bad per se, just don’t call it a Mustang.
I think it is ugly. But on the other hand, I think that of any crossover-style vehicle.
Agreed. Where my proper SUVs at?
Upon looking at pictures, my thoughts as well. So a phat ass on a car with a hatchback is now an “SUV”?
CAFE Standards.
A “car” like a station wagon has stricter gas mileage requirements than a “truck” like a crossover SUV that has exactly the same footprint.
Nostalgically, wistfully, thinks back to his 1979 Jeep Wagoneer Gold Eagle…sheds a single tear.
The new Ford My Little Pony.
I saw a new bronco in the wild the other day. I was shocked how small it was.
Because you likely saw the “Bronco Sport”.
Ford doing to Bronco what it did to Mustang.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_Bronco_Sport
That was it.
Blech.
Woof.
It looks like a Subaru Forester in drag.
IMO, it’s basically a better looking Escape.
Still though, make the Escape less ugly and keep the Bronco a Bronco.
Ford Escape: The Piña Colada Car.
This. If they had called it the Ford Excelsior (or insert any other name) , I think the reaction would’ve been much different than for the Mach-E. The damage won’t be seen in Mach-E sales. It’ll be seen in traditional gas Mustang sales.
We’re still going for an F-450.
In #1, if the fiancée is a son-in-law, something odd is going on.
I think this got edited out of last night’s Glibfit:
https://futurism.com/neoscope/scientists-toilet-identifies-butthole
Life imitates parody:
Smart Pipe
That is _well_ worth 11 minutes of your life. It gets better and better.
Satire, not parody, I guess.
“I started getting popular because of few nitrites are in my stool – people wanted to know how I did it”.
Glad I had the day off today. #itsmyanus. Priceless.
It’s my anus
And I’ll cry if I want to,
Cry if I want to,
Cry if I want to;
You would cry too if it happened to you.
This idea may flush out whole new markets.
Nah, it’s shitty.
If you have any privacy concerns about all this, the scientists say the butthole data is all “stored and analyzed in an encrypted cloud server.”
Narrator: “When asked about the compete dump of study data to 4chan, the lead PI did admit that about 20 underpaid grad students had shell access to the butthole server.”
Maybe that womens soccer player would be interested in this.
So, when do we get HAM’s answer?
Have y’all heard anything about this before now?
Try again.
Hhttps://archive.ph/dJ96zave y’all heard anything about this before now?
Seriously, how many times am I going to mess up the link function?
Anyway, it works though.
Yes. I found out about it when fucking Merck started throwing shade at the safety of Ivermectin.
This is a scam of the highest order. I’m actually impressed at their brazenness.
Neither state power nor corporate power alone is half as scary as the fusion of the two.
Related.
Are you fucking kidding me?
We are such a disappointment to Him.
He can go fuck himself.
@Sean
With a Smartpipe? Sounds good.
You don’t say…
I saw that too. The standouts for me:
Surely those lily-white-as-the-driven-snow researchers aren’t being asked to associate in any way with The Unclean…. The humanity!
Why oh why Dr Duke, would that be the case, scientifically speaking?
Active ingredients:
Pfizer – 1\% Pfizerectin, 1\% Hydroxyizer (Pfizer proprietary formulation).
Merck – 1\% Merckerectin, 1\% Hydroxyerck (Merck proprietary formulation).
Roche/Atea – 1.1\% Roche-vermectin, 0.9\% Hydroxytea (Roche/Atea proprietary formalation)
Hopes the percent signs don’t get swallowed. Or the escape switches don’t show up. What ever, it’s a bad joke anyway!
The formatting used by WordPress is HTML with a very limited set of tags (though most/all entities are accepted). The only things you really have to worry about getting swallowed are < (<), > (>) and & (&) and even then only under certain circumstances.
Yup, what I heard previously was that Pfizer was/is working on a twice daily pill for treatment of COVID once caught. Basically take 10 pills over 5 days after receiving positive COVID test.
It wanted me to fill out a captcha
Same – run through Warp VPN and it wouldn’t let me get through. Turned it off and it went through.
Second time I’ve had this issue with the same captcha service. Interesting…
We really are reliving B5.
‘Babylon 5’ Reboot in Development at The CW From Original Series Creator J. Michael Straczynski
If they’re doing a reboot, wouldn’t they have Sinclair instead of Sheridan? Or is that just poor journalisming, describing the old show instead?
I’ll give JMS the benefit of the doubt on this. There were also some rumors floating around about an animated extension of the original B5 series.
Rules are for little people.
FBI investigates co-founder of Ozy Media for ‘impersonating YouTube’s head of unscripted programming on conference call with Goldman Sachs to convince them to invest $40m
You or I try to commit fraud with GS on behalf of our employer and we wind up criminally charged.