I’m not a big Christmas guy and, over the years, have allowed the Mrs. to handle the shopping and gift duties. There is one, however, that I cannot pass on; the Gift for the Mrs.

 

Between my mild dislike of Christmas in general, and my intense dislike of crowds in particular, I have sworn a Holy Oath to never set foot inside of a mall between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

Several years back, however, I had a problem.

 

I knew what the wife wanted for her gift; she had circled the item in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Nothing too fancy or frilly, a long tee-shirt nightshirt in a couple of colors.

 

 

 

I was ready or order it online but I realized that a package marked “Victoria’s Secret” would arrive that would announce my purchase before Christmas morning.

 

My course of action was clear. I was going to have to go to the mall.

 

On the fateful day I steadied my nerves in the parking lot before opening the door and encountering the massive horde inside. It was a short walk to Victoria’s Secret and I walked inside

 

. . . and was instantly in a world of pink.

 

 

I was a babe in the woods, a traveler into a world previously unknown. Even though I have been long-married and have raised three daughters I have managed to miss this world through active avoidance.

 

I looked one direction and there was a woman holding up a pair of panties for inspection. I turned to another direction and there were two women trying to fit a bra. Everywhere I looked there were mannequins posing clothing that I’d last seen on the pages of Playboy magazine. I felt like I had stumbled in the girls locker room at high school and I was waiting for the girls PE teacher to kick my ass.

 

 

 

Trying to avoid looking like Aqualung on a playground I found the sleepwear that I was looking for and headed to the checkout.

 

The lady scanned my items and placed them in the bag. Then she said, and I swear that she raised her voice, just for me, “YOU’VE QUALIFIED FOR A FREE PAIR OF PANTIES! WOULD YOU LIKE WHITE OR PINK?”

 

 

I mumbled something, grabbed my bag and hightailed it out of there, reaffirming my oath to never return.