Johnathan Kesselman directed and wrote this film. It really shows when a movie is a passion project by one man. There are no crappy jokes by committee and very little falls flat in this film. This was also Kesselman’s first film, which is even more impressive. That is a hell of a start! From there, he did a lot of TV work before his next full-length movie in 2016.
For those of you who may not have seen The Hebrew Hammer, it revolves around the evil son of Santa Claus who wishes to banish all other holidays in favor of only Christmas. The Hebrew Hammer is recruited (reluctantly) by the Jewish Justice League to save Hanukkah. Adam Goldberg is a perfect Hebrew Hammer, from his first moment on screen. Andy Dick is the perfect dick. I really can’t say much about Andy without spoiling the film, other than that he is the disgruntled son of Santa Claus in our film tonight.
This movie is a one-shot stand-alone film. There was an attempt to make a sequel in 2016, which was not crowdfunded successfully. Good! Stop making sequels! The plot of the proposed sequel was that the Hebrew Hammer would go back in time and kill Hitler. That is clearly the purview of Danger 5. The public knew it and did not provided the level of funding expected. Note: If you actually read the article linked to the sequel, it’ll make sense why there wasn’t enough funding. Or don’t read it and keep your happy memories of this film intact.
This film is great for a holiday party because it covers most of the holiday events – obviously saving Hanukkah, but also Kwanzaa and Christmas. Jerry Seinfeld’s Festivus was not included. Sad!
So get a beverage, sit down and enjoy this fine film for the holiday season. Or don’t! Everything is voluntary!
What about the rest of the week? How do we eject overstaying relatives during the holiday season?
I fully understand the use of B movies to get unwanted relatives to leave a room or house. I am here to help. Any of these movies below still fit with the festive theme and will make most average people leave the room / house. However, if you have twisted relatives these movies may make them stay. So Caveat Emptor.
- Treevenge: This is my #1 room clearing tool for the holidays. It’s by Jason Eisener and I love it. If the unwanted family members don’t leave during the tree sex scene, they will during the murderous tree rampage that peaks with the crushing of a child’s head beneath an angry pogoing tree. This is a short film and it works quickly to remove unwanted guests.
- Rare Exports: A great horror film which will make you rethink your belief in Santa Claus as a benevolent old man. It’s Finnish! Best enjoyed in the original language with subtitles, which also repels relatives.
- A Christmas Horror Story: You’ll have to rent this one. It is worth it! William Shatner hosts this film as a radio personality on air, reading warnings about a psychotic Santa on the loose. It has a really great twist ending. Trailer provided.
- Star Wars Holiday Special: I don’t feel I need to introduce this. Until the latest Lego Star Wars films (from Disney), this was the worst Star Wars story ever committed to film.
Happy Holidays everyone, Hanukkah survived and is past us thanks to the Hebrew Hammer! Festivus is tonight! Christmas and Kwanzaa are dead ahead!
Next week: Bubba Ho-Tep with Bruce Campbell. Be there!
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(h/t: The Hyperbole)
The plot of the proposed sequel was that the Hebrew Hammer would go back in time and kill Hitler.
Apropos
Always.
Ooh. We can argue about time travel again.
Anyone know of any stories where it looks like a time travel tale for most of the plot but turns out to be a westworld-type theme park?
If only you asked a few hours ago, before the bourbon.
I can’t think of any.
Interesting idea.
There was a series for a while that dealt with that. I don’t remember the name of the series off the top of my head, but it was basically a LARP style theme park (that usually had some sort of malfunction during the story).
After a quick search, Dream Park was the series name.
I’ve read a few stories about a future civilization that tries to go back in time, but each time the found only fictional stories like mobs sick and dragons, because time travel is fiction.
Well…Shyamalan’s “The Village” covered most of those bases.
The TV series Housos had an episode wherein two characters got all hopped up on goofballs, stumble into a RenFair, and are convinced they have traveled back in time.
https://youtu.be/7GSdwRUQCHw?t=470
If you went back in time and killed younger yourself would you disappear? It just doesn’t make sense, damnit.
*hits joint*
See Loopers for a good take on that.
This is dedicated to all of the Jewish brothers and sisters that have had enough of the Gentile
Shit, some ex-girlfriends of mine get a shout-out.
Woo! Christmas Horror Story is one of my favorites. I’ll need to give the Hebrew Hammer a go tomorrow or next week. I’m gonna guess it’s not Christmas specific.
It actually is. Lots of Andy Dick as an evil Santa. Enjoy the other links also.
Also if you have not seen Treevenge, watch that first. You will have a new favorite film maker. I will be reviewing his ‘Hobo with a Shotgun’ soon.
I saw the dreidel smoosh coming.
I’ve heard good things about Rare Exports – and I’d read about Hebrew Hammer long ago (although apparently conflating some of it with Adam Carolla’s “Hammer” movie sometimes as well).
May be too “mainstream”, but “Krampus” is a great holiday horror flick in the spirit of Gremlins (including mostly practical effects).
I thought about including it, but ‘A Christmas Horror Story’ covers Krampus better, in my opinion. So I went for the Shat movie.
For the record, the Jewish lasses I dated did not look like that girl with the night brace.
Yes. That was a sight.
Snakeskin boots?
Nice touch.
The details really helped make the film.
Adam Sandler movies? Ick.
When I used to get overwhelmed by the Christmas overload my saving grace was Silent Night, Deadly Night. Enough slash, gore, and nudity* to cure me of the holiday blues.
*SPOILER: Every chick who bares a breast gets offed.
That was on the list until I found a clean copy of ‘The Star Wars Christmas Special’
Oh, lordy! Is that the one with the classic holiday song “What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Has a Comb?)”
Yes.
It’s a hilarious obvious cash grab before they realized a cash grab was completely unnecessary. It’s worth a watch just to see how pissed Ford was to be in it.
Watched it on TV when it came out. My brother and I were insanely excited about it beforehand… and then then so incredibly disappointed afterward.
You’re not alone
The backstory is wonderful. Ford was given a dumptruck full of money to get him involved. Fischer refused to do it unless she got to sing a song. Hamill refused to do it if he had to sing a song; he was also fresh out of his car crash so his face is all lopsided and crooked.
ed makes all the difference
Came here to add that. It’s a downright tragedy.
Part of the rules and tropes of a horror movie.
Hello. I like her.
If you are referring to our heroine, that is Judy Greer, who plays (played?) Cheryl Tunt on Archer.
Yes.
And Kitty from Arrested Development.
“Michael, my eyes are up here.”
“Spring Break!! Woo Hoo!!!”
She was great on Arrested Development.
Also Kitty on Arrested Development
Look at all the Judy Greer fans!
Fatty Magoo!
I’m reminded of something a friend of one of the Jewish gals I was involved with said about her mother:
“You just wait your mother out. She starts out wanting you to marry a nice Jewish doctor. Then after a few years she wants you to marry a nice Jewish boy. Then after a few years, it’s ‘JUST MEET A NICE BOY AND MARRY HIM! I WANT GRANDKIDS!'”
Circumcision confirmed
Sounded like she got off on that.
That last test… I’m reminded of a relative’s Jewish husband.
Too late. I got a good chuckle and a SMDH out of it.
“Dukes – where skin is in”
That might be a good place.
Smokin’ blunt. Yes. Nice asses. Yes.
No. Dukes is not a nice place.
Oh.
Not the type of skin I was thinking of.
“Whinybitch” – heh
World Wide Jewish Media Conspiracy
🙂
K-Mart. Nice.
Guidos for Santa’s bouncers. Nice.
I particularly liked that choice.
And Santa’s Elves…
And a commercial.
We must support the artists. Unless they make bad sequels.
And time to join a zoom. I’ll finish this tomorrow. I think this might beat out “Wolfcop” for my favorite GlibFlick.
Awesome! Thanks for joining and have a happy Festivus!
Check these Hebrew Hammers!
https://archive.md/hTJxE
NSFW.
Was expecting some nice Jewish girls.
The good old days
I know how old those ladies are now
/Looks at driver’s license
The first one could be Jennifer Aniston’s mom.
CLBP instead of FLBP?
Somewhat fitting right after Chauvin’s guilty plea in the federal case after representing himself, the latter half of Gideon v. Wainwright just passed away.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louie_L._Wainwright
Gov Shitstain, the vindictive passive aggressive idiot scared of her own shadow, declares a two week state of emergency over forecast potential weather. Utterly ridiculous
https://www.oregonlive.com/weather/2021/12/gov-kate-brown-declares-winter-weather-state-of-emergency-i-urge-all-oregonians-to-make-a-plan.html
Oh, *your* Gov Shitstain. I thought that you were mentioning *our* Gov Shitstain (MLG),
BTW, Gov Shitstain just signed off on the new gerrymandering which will insure that our lone R representative will go away.
Welcome to Team Hard-Core Blue New Mexico!
Yeah, our state is about evenly split of voters so we have 1 R district and 4, soon to be 5 D districts. The gerrymander has a strip running from Portland to Bend to prevent it being a 2-4 split.
Fuckin’A. When I was a kid, in eastern WA, we would get FEET of snow, none of this inches bullshit. And now that everyone and their uncle has a 4x of some sort, this isn’t a problem in the slightest. Oh, and look, I-5, the gorge, and the coast are all going to be above freezing. How fucking useless is Kunt Klown.
God, my parents drove a ’66 Mustang convertible through the winter of ’68, where there was 14 feet of snow, and it was -40 in Pullman. Son of a bitch.
It’s just like the state of emergency declarations for a heat wave. Never used to happen. She’s a reflection of the political “elite”of this state. Almost uniformly non-Oregonian carpetbaggers.
When I was a kid, OSU *always* remained open. They never had snow days. None. I can’t remember my dad staying home from work either nor do I remember him putting on chains, and he only had a RWD station wagon. Sure, had snows days in K12 here and there but maybe 4 or 5 days total for year and some years none.
In addition to 4WD private vehicles, just about every public works dept has plows on their vehicles down to pickups or they use regular construction equipment (graders, etc) and have far more than they historically had. ODOT had plows for the passes, the counties and largest cities had a few, but not many. But because of the whining from the Portland hipsters who can’t just stay home a day, we’ve got to salt the roads now and rust out vehicles like too many states.
It’s like they pulled every bit of common sense from people. It’s too hot, get out of your house. Too cold? Bundle up. But they won’t build up infrastructure, won’t harden power lines from the increased use. Oh, don’t use your fireplace, too much smoke in the air; don’t use AC because it uses too much power.
When they started naming “winter storms” like hurricanes, it was a sure sign that a lot of folks had too much time on their hands and really enjoyed drama and control.
The named storm shit gets ridiculous pretty quickly in Minnesota and other predictably snowy places. It’s called “winter”, idiots.
I completely missed the naming of winter storms. That’s pretty sad.
It is ridiculous. We had our first one here this year, total joke.
Song’s a little basic (thought this was a synthwave band), but still a fun vid.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=770qoLmHSFA
I like some of their stuff. They will do when Carpenter Brut isn’t around.
Finally got my Festivus yard decoration up.
Best display in the neighborhood, if I say so myself.
Nice. I wish the wife would go for that.
Well done.
I’m 7 minutes in and praying this is truly an hour and a half long Jewsploitation film.
Love that film. Before the kids left home it was a family tradition to watch it.
Sometimes it’s the small details. Like when he is coming out of the MTA station at the start and the three lines listed are J, E, and W.
Holy shit that was funny. Thanks for putting this out RJ.
Dbleagle you are so right. I saw that too. This movie completely delivered on its promise. I loved Mario Van Peebles cameo. And the names! Muhammad Ali Paul Abdul Rahim. Esther Bloomenbergensteulinenthal. I was laughing out loud.
LOL sadly those lines don’t cross 🙁
If The Bro Firsts in a dead thread and no one is there to see it, did it really happen?
Yes. Yes it did.
Thread’s not dead. It’s just stunned.
Pining for the fjords,
Did everyone get raptured last night or something? Where the early morning glibs at?
Yes, Its just us sinners left.
I forgot what group I’m dealing with here. I think we’d lose maybe three people tops.
I’m here! Good morning, and Merry Christmas Eve Stinky, Lack, and ‘bodru!
I work until noon today. I may have mentioned this – the reward for those of us who show up on “the Eves” is that if we work from our scheduled start time until we close, we get paid for eight hours. And still I have people ask me (in my role as payroll goddess,) “So…can I take four hours of paid time off and get paid for the whole day?” ::low growl in throat::
Mornin’, redolent one. And GT, Lack, and robo!
Off to brew Covfefe…
*waves*
We’re helping Santa get ready.
Don’t any of you work?
“Biden Bans Conservatives and Christians from the Military”
https://www.frontpagemag.com/fpm/2021/12/biden-bans-conservatives-and-christians-military-daniel-greenfield/#.YcNiqHZCJxQ.twitter
A little alarmist and reliant on slippery slope? Sure but concerning nonetheless.
Very concerning.
I think I’ve learned to take slippery slopes a lot more seriously than I used to.
Saying it’s bound to happen is a fallacy, saying it could happen or even is likely to happen isn’t. The slippery slope is real.
GF bought some cookies of my ancestors yesterday.
Now I have to eat some kiffles.
My grandmother used to make the best ones.
Now I have to eat some kiffles.
Selfless, you are. Santa will be good to you this year.
Weighed in a pound under regular weight this morning. I can afford a lil carbs.
::looks them up:: Ooh! They look yummy! Apparently they’re similar to rugelach, which I happily discovered a couple of years ago at a local Jewish festival. Are the kiffles made from pastry dough?
I believe so.
Grandma only ever made the almond paste filled ones. The bakery in the farmers market makes a variety, including nutella filled.
The rugelach I had reminded me of when my mother would take the trimmed-off scraps of pie crust dough, sprinkle them with sugar and cinnamon, and bake them. Loved those things!
https://www.pennlive.com/news/2021/12/kids-and-teens-banned-from-visiting-this-nj-mall-the-day-after-christmas-without-an-adult.html
In these days of heavy handed authoritarianism, we should implement this year round. Everywhere.
Large groups of surly, brawling teens are the worst.
Problem solved.
https://ktla.com/news/local-news/suspect-in-custody-after-shooting-at-burlington-coat-factory-in-north-hollywood-lapd/
Police shoot a 14 year old girl in a dressing room and nothing else happens.
Trigger warning: holiday nutpunch.
Morning, Glibs.
?
Is that snowman wearing a severed face?
*schedules UCS a Rorschach test*
You’re stuck in here with me
Good morning, U – and rhy, ‘patzie, Scruffy, and anyone else I missed earlier!
Did you get the oversized essay of an email I sent at midnight?
Yes, I did! Thanks! I’ve read it, and I’ll reply later when I have more time – maybe after wrapping that one last gift and vacuuming up a bunch of cat hair (as if my sisters and BIL would notice.)
The cats will notice when you start running the vacuum over them.
https://news.yahoo.com/actor-played-home-alone-brother-153355932.html
“OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) — “Home Alone” actor Devin Ratray surrendered to authorities in Oklahoma on Wednesday after he was accused of assaulting his girlfriend, police said.
Ratray, who played older brother Buzz McAllister in the 1990 Christmas movie, was released from jail shortly after his booking on two domestic assault and battery complaints, police said.”
CWAA. I guess he wasn’t acting in those movies, just being himself.
He was also in Amazon’s The Tick.
The article is scant and the only evidence presented is an affidavit. I’m not going to convict without at least something more than the accusation.
Evidence? in 2021? Surely you jest.
Anyway he looks like a thug. Good enough for me.
Hey, there is snow on the ground! Probably will disappear by tomorrow but White Christmas Eve works for me.
RACIST.
Good point.
Only a racist would think “white” Christmases are superior to Christmases of color
I just peeked outside. We got a light dusting too.
Mostly sticking to asphalt and elevated surfaces, but it’s there.
Cloudy and 48 degrees F here in SW OH. Forecast for tomorrow is a high of 62 and an 80% chance of rain, so… a Wet Christmas.
Not to worry, I have enough for everyone, bring your own shovel/truck, in the true spirit of Xmas I’ll be happy to share.
Yeah; we got about an inch here in the Catskills but it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.
What’s their plan?
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10341663/Biden-confused-CNN-correspondent-points-mixing-COVID-19-tests-antiviral-pills.html
I dunno but the expectation that Biden “do” something to “solve” the “crisis” is darkly humorous – and it’s coming from all sides.
25th Amendment would be the way to go, if the VP was almost anybody else. Also, if you’ve lost CNN, things are really bad.
I bet CNN’s butthurt that they didn’t get the interview after all they’ve done for him.
Regarding Q’s titty link, that’s how I remember them best from the skin mags that my Father and uncles would snicker about. Took me back 50 years! So many huge aureolas! Yes, I have two days off. I’m going to spend it drinking and eating and sleeping. Right back it it on Boxing Day.
You made it! ?
Two days off! Huzzah!
It’ll pass in a blink of an eye but it’s a keeper. Thanks for your support, Beloved Friends!
Pleasant well earned dreams.
Not Adahn writes for the Post?
Dangerous Gemini here. Mrs. Patzer is Virgo, the most dangerous of all.
https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/12/falsifying-covid-vax-card-new-york-now-comes-jail-time/
Meanwhile, violent crimes surge. Good job there, you fucksticks.
*adjusts tin foil hat*
Omicron is a new lab modified virus, not evolved in the wild.
There. I said it.
In that case, wouldn’t it be more deadly?
Dunno. For all the research going on, they don’t seem to be very good at anything.
I thought it.
but is it an “off” switch?
Lizard brain says “yes”.
Virii swing like a pendulum do, all the little sheeple marching two by two.
Good Morning all,
When do we get to open our presents? Assuming that we will get some.
Stockings with comic books first. Mom and Dad are “tired”.
ARRRGH! Drove away from the second site forgetting to unplug the block heater again. I just did this for the first time in my northern life not five days ago. Last time, someone rescued the cord and set it on the break table. This time my odds are lesser. Fuck it I’ll buy another, maybe two. This has been my life for the last two weeks.
I’ve seen the pictures of cars with the gas nozzle hanging out. I always double check before I leave the pump. Then as I drive away look in the mirror to make sure I closed the cover.
Around here you have to put the nozzle back to get the receipt.
Now, remembering to close the door to the gas tank….
I’ve driven away with the gas cap sitting on the roof. Buddy of mine drove about half a mile with a case of beer on top. Stuff happens.
You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch
FOAD, gnome.
I don’t understand why he and his ilk want to suck every bit of joy from the world. Was he bottle-fed?
Unity and healing.
A dear friend and his wife are all over Instagram this morning, crowing about Spain’s new outdoor mask mandate. The two of them would like to see FedGov impose one here as well.
As always, the last one didn’t work, so why do people think this one will?
A key reason I dropped FB et al. is to not see what my friends are saying about… anything.
Hobo With A Shotgun is a perfect choice for this theme . It has everything!
Good morning and Merry Christmas Eve to one and all. Ex and kids are safely deposited at the airport; missing daughter’s birthday and spending Christmas alone again… Humbug!
Sorry Man! That would be mine but I choose it to be so. I’ve no truck with the Holiday Season.
Spend it on the zoom with us.
Merry Christmas, lobot. You are never alone as long as there are glibs prepared to mock you.
The mockery is a festive tradition.