I had gotten complacent. It had been a while since the cryptids had to be wrangled into the studio. But the call from mexican sharpshooter jolted me out of it.
“Swiss, we need a fill in post tonight.”
I could just imagine the sly grin crossing his face.
I scrambled through the calendar. “Wait, I thought I had something…uh oh.”
“No worries, we have the cryptids on standby. Make sure you are in the studio by 1900 Glibs time.” The phone went dead, and I was sure I heard the start of a laugh before it did.
No use cursing my situation. Time to armor up, and get into the studio/vault.
Good evening everyone. Welcome to the All Star Cryptid Advice Roundup!
We will begin with our Senior Maritime Havoc Correspondent, SEA SMITH. Sea, what do you have for our audience?
SEA SMITH HAPPY SEA FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN LANDHOOMANS…AND HE HAVE STURGEON IN POCKET! SEA SMITH KNOW HE HAVE BETTER ADVICES THAN DRIED UP OLD LAND HOOMAN. NOW HEAR THE ADVICES OF SEA SMITH.
Q: My car is a plug-in hybrid, which means it runs on electricity for about 20 or 30 miles, then switches to run on gas. Gas is needed on long trips, but since electric driving makes fewer emissions, we try to drive on electricity as many miles as we possibly can.
I’m sure no host would mind a guest charging a phone, but charging a car taxes a home’s circuits a bit more. Still, the cost is nominal. In our area, plugging into a standard home outlet costs less than 20 cents an hour. I would gladly offer to reimburse a host for the electricity, but this seems petty.
A: SEA SMITH THINK YOU MOOCH, AND HIDE YOU CHEAPNESS BEHIND “SAVE PLANET!” SEA SMITH HAVE BETTER IDEA. SEA SMITH SAY YOU PUSH CAR, AND SEA SMITH CHASE. YOU ESCAPE, YOU NO USE GAS, NO MOOCH POWER. YOU NOT ESCAPE, SEA SMITH LECTURE YOU ON MANNERS. BY LECTURE, MEAN RAPE.
SEE HOW GOOD ADVICE SEA SMITH GIVE!
COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!
Uh…OK then. Hurray for Gaia, I guess.
Let us turn to our Cascadia Correspondent, STEVE SMITH. STEVE?
STEVE SMITH GLAD BE HERE. HIM VERY BUSY WORK FOR FREE CASCADIA. THEN UKRAINE PLACE COME AND TAKE ALL HEADLINE. STEVE SMITH SHAKE HIM HAIRY HEAD. BUT YOU NO HERE LISTEN STEVE SMITH TROUBLE. HIM HERE GIVE ADVICE! STEVE SMITH HALP COUSIN SEA SMITH GANG UP ON OLD ADVICE HOOMAN.
Q: I love candid photographs. I also appreciate posed, portrait-like photos. I believe the subjects of these photographs, whether candid or posed, should be given the opportunity to share the images — or not — at their sole, unquestioned discretion.
Due to the plethora of cellphones with cameras, almost every social function is now plagued by celebrants insisting on group photos. Stop everything, huddle, and freeze a smile while someone takes a wide-angle photo of you looking terrible that they can share with the world through social media.
I have made every polite effort to avoid being in these pictures. I quietly leave the room; I drop my napkin and duck below the table; I step behind a taller person (difficult because I am also tall).
These tactics often fail. At my wits’ end, lately I have resorted to honesty. I regret to tell you that even brutal candor is ineffective on relentless photo-takers insistent on ghastly pictures.
This concept may be difficult for our “selfie society” to grasp, but there are people who do not want to be in every photo. We do not enjoy seeing ourselves caught in a blink or a sneeze, frozen in a picture that is then posted online and seen by every person we ever met — including old boyfriends and archrivals from high school.
Please tell these people that “no” means “no” for a photo, just as it does for a plate of anaphylactic shock-inducing catfish.
A: STEVE SMITH UNDERSTAND. HIM NO WANT BE IN PICTURES. HIM HAVE HIDE FROM “BIGFOOT HUNTERS” AND HOOMANS “GOIN’ SQUATCHIN'”. IF FRENS STILL TAKE PICTURE WHEN SAY NO, ASK NICE SEE PHONE AND THEN SMASH WITH BIG ROCK.
WORD GET OUT, “NO TAKE PICTURE, THEY CRAZY!” YOU WELCOME FOR GOODEST ADVICINGS.
Free Cascadia indeed. Thank you STEVE. Our Senior Cleansing Correspondent is up next. ZARDOZ, take it away!
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. QUICK REFRESHER FOR THE CHOSEN ONES – THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL. JUST YOU REMEMBER THAT! NOW, IN ORDER TO FURTHER INSTRUCT THE CHOSEN ONES, ZARDOZ WILL GIVE ADVICE, SURELY GREATER THAN THAT OF ANY BRUTAL.
Q: Thirty-two years ago I was seeing two different men. I slept with each of them in the same week and became pregnant. I told them midway through the pregnancy that the baby might be theirs. One ditched me. I never heard from him again. The other is my husband of 31 years. We went on to have two more children. I have suspected all along that my oldest son, “Todd,” wasn’t my husband’s biological child. When Todd was 8, we did a DNA test, and I was right.
I feel guilty for not sharing the truth with Todd’s wife when she asks me questions. She knows Todd was born before my husband and I were married. Todd says it’s his decision and “it’s not a big deal.” I disagree. Should I tell her the truth? If I do, I risk upsetting my son and maybe their marriage. They will have kids in the future, and I think she should know. What do you think I should do?
A: FOOLISH BRUTAL! YOU CLEARLY DID NOT TAKE TO HEART THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL! YOU HAVE CREATED NEW LIFE, AND ARE PLAGUING THE EARTH WITH THE RACE OF MEN. NOW YOU INTENDED TO BLAB ABOUT YOUR BRAZEN WANTONNESS? BE SILENT! WHY SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOUR OFFSPRING HAS SAID NOT TO?
THERE IS ONLY ONE SAFE COURSE HERE. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TELL ANY TALES WHEN YOU ARE SERVING OUT YOUR MISERABLE DAYS IN THE GRAIN FIELDS.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
That will wrap up tonight’s installment. Thanks for the … uh, wisdom. I am gettng out of here. SEA SMITH keeps trying the vault door.
Pray for SP.