[Goyische Editor’s Note: If you think you’ve seen this before, it’s because you have. At least twice. (((OMWC))) published this in 2017, and again in 2021. You know how old ppl like to tell the same stories over and over…]
You goyim may be familiar with the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) as well as the Popular Trash Holiday (Hanukkah), but we save the best Jew holiday for ourselves. And now that it’s over, I can reveal it: Purim. Despite the lack of publicity, Purim is absolutely fucking awesome- it has a sexy backstory, bloodshed, Iranians, funny hats, and massive drunkenness. And given the recent, ummm, unpleasantness in Tehran, the timing here is perfect. Really, what else can you want?
The holiday’s story is told in the Book of Esther, which is the Pluto of the Bible’s solar system: unlike every other book, it’s written on a single scroll (called The Megillah), rather than the usual double. And although, like the other books, it’s read in song, it has a wholly different set of notes and tunes than any other book. Set in ancient Persia, the story starts out on the right foot with a massive nationwide drinking binge. The king, a guy named Akhashveros (I’ll call him Heshie, but apparently the correct English word is “Artaxerxes”), based in a city called Shushan, had been joining in the celebration, accompanied by a bunch of his carousing buddies.
As drunk sausage-fests tend to do, the conversation turned to pussy. Heshie was married to some fine trim, housed in the body of Queen Vashti, and to prove why she was kingworthy, he directed her to strip and show the goods to his friends. OK, so far, this sounds like a typical Glibertarians get-together, but things took a bad turn- Vashti told him that he and his friends could go fuck themselves, SHE was keeping the clothes on. As was the custom in those days when royal women disobeyed, Heshie had Vashti de-queened and then set about finding some equally fine arm candy.
He organized the Iranian equivalent of Miss Teen USA, and had all the Persian girls who scored above a 9 brought in for judgement. This presaged several reality TV shows, another case of successful Biblical prophecy. Unlike Trump, Heshie didn’t have to barge into the dressing room to catch some young female nudity, they were happy to show it off to him. It’s good to be the King.
Of all the table pussy in the room, the standout was a Jewess named Esther. Not that you could tell that she was a Jewess, given the lack of female circumcision in those days. And she would have had pubes, anyway, and Jewesses tend to be a bit forest-y down there, especially Iranian Jewesses. Heshie spotted Esther and declared, “OK, that one!” and suddenly she was Queen of Persia. This came as a pleasant surprise to her Uncle Mordechai, who had raised her. Morty thought, “This is almost as good as winning the lottery!”
With a sudden interest in the goings-on at the Court, Morty caught wind of an assassination plot against Heshie. Sensing the possibility of reward, he informed the Iranian equivalent of the Secret Service, and the guys who were plotting were arrested, read their rights, and then hanged. As a reward, Morty’s story was recorded in the Congressional Record. And that… was it. Fuck.
What’s worse, Morty pissed off Haman, the Iranian Preet Bharara, by refusing to bow down to him. Ever the vindictive bastard Haman, who decided, “Well Morty is a Jew, these Jews are annoying fucks, let’s just kill them all.” He wheedled Heshie about this idea, and Heshie, who really didn’t give a shit one way or another, said, “Sure, Haman, kill ’em if that will get you to stop bugging me.” Haman, always the planner, decided to roll dice to pick the day that the Hamancaust would happen. The reason for this is completely mysterious, but the word for dice is “purim” so if he hadn’t done that, we would have had to name the holiday Pussy or Bunch of Guys Getting Shitfaced or something like that.
The ever-snoopy Morty found out about the planned Jewkill, and understandably freaked out. He asked Esther to talk to her hubby. “Heshie hates when he’s nagged by his bitches,” she replied, “but seeing as how this is a bit of an emergency, let me see what I can do.” She set up a dinner with Heshie and Haman, during which she said, “Heshie, isn’t this fun? Let’s do it again tomorrow and maybe, you know, bumpetta-bumpetta after?” Heshie, always the horndog, eagerly agreed. In the meantime, Haman got dissed yet again by Morty, so he arranged to have a gallows built to give Morty the Big Drop the next day.
Heshie had trouble sleeping that night, perhaps because of a boner thinking about the next night, though that’s purely my speculation based on experience. “I know,” he thought, “I’ll have the Congressional Record read to me by a manservant and if that doesn’t put me to sleep, then three Seconal wouldn’t do it, either.” The reading began, and when the manservant got to the part about Morty saving Heshie’s life, Heshie asked, “Hey, did we end up doing anything for that guy? Cash award, Medal of Freedom, whatever?” “Nope,” was the answer.
Now, though Heshie was a horndog, he was actually a pretty decent guy. Feeling bad about this oversight, he called Haman in. “Haman,” he asked, “suppose there was someone who I wanted to reward for a great service to me, how would you do it?” Haman, being a bit groggy from being awakened by King Heshie’s whim, thought Heshie was talking about HIM and replied, “Well, dress him up like a king and lead him around on one of your horses as an honor.” Incentives in those days were apparently pretty lame, but still, when Heshie said, “Cool beans, the guy’s name is Morty, get ‘er done!” Haman could only think, “Fuuuuuuuck! This puts a crimp in my plans to hang the dude. Well, I can put it off for a day or two.”
The next evening, at Esther’s second dinner party, she told Heshie, “Haman wants to kill all the Jews, you know.” Heshie responded, “Yeah, whatevs. Are we doing the nasty tonight or what?” Esther said, “Well, that’ll be kinda hard because you’re going to kill all the Jews, and since I’m one of ’em…” “Wait, WHAT???” “Yeah, I’m a Jewess, and you told Haman to kill me and all of my relatives.” Heshie, who (unlike Justin Trudeau) was not a slow fellow, realized that this kill-the-Jews thing might not have been his best idea, then remembered that it was Haman’s idea. And with that, well, it’s always the underling who gets thrown under the chariot, so in a coincidence worthy of O. Henry, Haman got hanged on the gallows he had intended for Morty. Yayyyy! Oops, not so fast, what about the Jewkill?
Heshie said, “There’s a bit of a problem. I gave the orders to kill the Jews and because of Article 3 subsection A of the King’s Rules, I can’t take that back.” With some Jewess trim hanging in the balance, Heshie came up with an inspired idea: “Hey, I can issue an order that the Jews can all be armed and kill the Iranians who are coming for them!” Actually, it was Mordechai and Esther’s idea, but one of the secrets to managing your manager is to convince him that your great idea was actually his.
So the Jews armed and killed a fuckton of Persians. If we’re to believe the Megillah, something like 76,000 of them. And that was OK because Heshie got laid.
In honor of killing a fuckton of Persians, every year (((we))) have the Purim celebration, in which (((we))) are commanded to get drunk, make a lot of noise in the synagogue, exchange gifts, get drunk, fuck, make noise, and get drunk. It seems particularly apropos this year- timing is everything. Oh yeah, we also eat some little triangular Danishes called Hamantashen. But really, who cares, get drunk and fuck.
This is a great holiday.
In honor of killing a fuckton of Persians
Even more appropriate today than these previous times it was published!
The cafeteria occasionally has hamantaschen. But not today.
Used to be that folks got a holiday off.
Now even an OMWC has to put on the work clothes.
Glibs owe you comp time, wait for it.
Sadly it is Tuesday and alcohol is not consumed on a Tuesday
Does not compute….
Whaaat?
If you had a soul I would feel for you ….
Persians were the original Aryans so one could say you know who avenged the killing of Persians on Purim
I’d forgotten about the part where the Jews ambushed and slew their would-be murderers.
it’s interesting that in the Old Testament the Persians were the good guys whereas in Greek history (understandably) the Persians the bad guys.
“alcohol is not consumed on a Tuesday”
Or on any other day ending in ‘y’, thanks to my pancras.
wild night near st pancras london?
Pancreas (I skipped the ‘e’ when typing)
no no liver is the drinking bit pancreas does not matter
Esther – Artist’s Depiction
She’s distracting.
I was thinking of Joan Collins in the movie Esther and the King.
So Kanye is the new Akhashveros?
That picture of Esther… am I being catfished or honeypotted because I failed my save versus glamor.
I’m going to have to do some more research on “Sara Lime”, just to be sure.
https://www.glibertarians.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/saralime.jpg
Isn’t Sara Lime the third woman?
Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lime.
The Internet, which is never wrong, tells me she’s Persian!
OMWC being led astray.
Wait…I always thought that the gnomes were Jews, not the elves?
You could say both are sidhe.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Montana LP chair:
https://x.com/melissa_wongmt/status/2028643784955932979
What kind of name is Wongmt?
wong(mt)
Man, I read that twice and still don’t understand her point. And I don’t care enough to read it again.
The Israelis are behind destroying Murican culture.
It’s nice, I guess, for Pie not to have cornered the lunacy market on X.
Jews get abortions, huh? I gotta meet some more Jewish girls…..for unrelated reasons.
Jew-life doesn’t begin until you’ve taken your first breath, so no biggie.
The pro infanticide class like to say that Jews don’t consider a baby a baby until it’s born and thus they rationalize killing it in utero. Trying to get the religious angle that akshuly killing babies is good.
Off to work before tomorrow off and Thurs’ big psych appt. Thanks for reminding me about micro dosing mushrooms, cuz I’ve long thought that’d be a tremendous idea. https://soulcybin.org/benefits/brain-booster/ Is a well-ranked one, but I haven’t fully researched. Any company people already know about or have advice on?
I will *not* be purchasing alcohol today, because that shit is absolutely dreadful for me. Biggest thing is I don’t get anything positive out of it. Unsupervised Ev had to be reminded of that for reasons that escape him.
**downer alert* Given my circumstances, is it wise (or better?) to tell the psych folk I’m suicidal? I’m not, not really, though I do feel an unnecessary burden on everyone around me. (So an “I’m no good for anyone” vibe, including to myself.) I’ve long said out loud “I’m gonna….” where killing myself is the ending, but I stop myself from saying that and switch it to something positive. “I’m gonna be better today” is a frequent one. “I’m going to assassinate a squirrel” is remarkably frequent, as well.
My thoughts: Telling docs this will certainly get me more attention, but really likely not at all the kind I want and not the vibe I want to put out. It might also stop them from prescribing methamphetamine salts, which is another priority. My brain doesn’t sit still. That shit’s like magic to me. (“Is this how people *normally* feel?!”)
Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. Sorry for the downer, though welcome to my existence. I do manage to plug along in my own way. Off to the gas station for work with Sarah the Dragon Lady. Fuck. May the petrol be with me. Kick ass, everyone.
I’d say it depends on if you think the doctors will be more help or if pills will be more help.
Evan, I’ve been reading your posts. I think there are a few things going on here:
1. You’re physically and cognitively impaired from your injuries in your motorcycle accident.
2. You have to make money because you can’t/don’t want to/shouldn’t have to live with your parents for the rest of your life.
3. You have a hard time holding a job because of #1, but it seems that was difficult for you before your accident. No judgment. I’m completely unemployable and I’m just abrasive.
4. Your IQ is way higher than your employability.
5. You’d prefer to be traveling and you’re stuck.
6. The possibility that you can’t live on your own is devastating.
7. You can’t afford medical care.
8. You hit the bottle because of all the above, which makes all the above exponentially worse.
9. You don’t have the strength to resist #8 because you’re exhausted from trying.
10. If you’re suicidal, it’s because of #1-7.
Here’s the thing. Sometimes someone isn’t actually depressed. Their life just sucks, and I suspect that’s where you are.
I think most of your problems need a therapist and a neurologist, neither of which you can afford.
I don’t know what advice to give you, but I think it’s important to try to break this problem down to its component parts, think about them and find ways you can improve them yourself, even if only a little bit, and WRITE DOWN your wins, no matter how small. You need to keep track of your victories.
“Sometimes someone isn’t actually depressed. Their life just sucks, and I suspect that’s where you are.”
I don’t have quite that long a list, but I’ve been struggling on and off since my accident too. I have a ton to be thankful for, but lack of a vehicle is rough. My insurance payout wasn’t much, and with our business struggling when we started, our credit is crap. So I’m not able to get a car right now. Meanwhile our truck has had a few issues so we’re limiting the miles we put on it. Which means I don’t have transportation to hockey practice. And while I’m feeling mostly ok, I’m still feeling cruddy after a long or stressful day. So I’m not sure I could make it a whole practice even if I could get there.
I’m keeping things in check by reminding myself that one way or another, things always work out. It’s something I have to work at every day.
Good luck Evan, hopefully that appointment helps.
Call a psychologist or psychiatrist directly. Make an appointment. Talk to them about it. Talking to a general physician will cause him to do the ass-covering set of notifications. Mental health professionals tend to be far more discreet and reasonable, since they have actual experience dealing with the various manifestations of depression / mental illness that all lead to suicidal ideation and can differentiate between what needs drastic action, and what needs a listening ear.
You can also reach out to organizations like Rogers Behavioral Health who really helped a family member who was in a similar boat as you and had the very same concerns.
Last, but not least, and I mean this seriously, take up BJJ. A good recreational school will help you socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally renew yourself.
In general, when I’m at the doctor, my answers are along the lines of “everything’s fine; I’m not depressed; I’m not suicidal.” I just don’t trust bureaucrats, insurance companies, and the state with any of that info. I would go to counseling if I thought it would help, but it would be carefully selected.
Alcohol: I was watching a doc a few weeks back, and some studies suggest that, if you have a tendency to alcoholism, going cold turkey actually increases the need and makes it harder to avoid.
Agreed. I’d never tell a doc or bureaucrat if I were suicidal.
Listen to Mojeaux and Tarran.
Fuck me. I thought it was Wednesday. These 22-hour days are getting to me.
You sure you want to give STEVE SMITH ideas?
That’s not healthy. Even I need more than two hours of sleep to operate.
Tell me you’ll be able to get some rest soon.
(dedthred) Threedoor – I gave that exact same stuffed Cheat to my niece for Christmas, many years ago. He screams when you kick him, at least until the battery runs down.
Convoluted “logic”
The U.S. Supreme Court blocked on Monday a series of California laws that can limit the sharing of information with parents about the gender identity of transgender public school students without the child’s permission, handing a victory to Christian parents who challenged these protections.
The justices granted an emergency request by the challengers to reinstate a judge’s ruling that the privacy and anti-discrimination measures at issue undermined their religious and parental rights under the U.S. Constitution’s First and 14th Amendments, while litigation continues. A federal appeals court had put that ruling on hold.
The Supreme Court’s three liberal justices dissented from Monday’s decision.
“privacy and anti-discrimination measures”
Goddam these people contort themselves like Chinese acrobats.
No information about a minor child (up to age 18) should be blocked from custodial parents. How is it hard to grasp? Other than grooming in one form or another.
Why do you want more transgender kids to die?
So the Jews armed and killed a fuckton of Persians. If we’re to believe the Megillah, something like 76,000 of them.
And apparently they’re still at it today!
Man, I read that twice and still don’t understand her point. And I don’t care enough to read it again.
I think she may have crossed the streams.
Okay, so I wrote The Great Mormon Novel™. (Yes, I did. Fight me.) It’s what I consider to be my best book technically and thematically. It’s an Easter allegory wherein I play with the “Mary Magdalene was a prostitute” nonsense. I wrote a scene that got me lots of email, and it was about Esther. Dinnertime, first meeting of both families of the couple, and the woman (Cassie) has an adult daughter absolutely seething in resentment. So Cassie lays it all out:
Anyway, the way I was taught the story of Esther is the same way every Christian denomination teaches it: Glossed over, sanitized, G-rated. “He just respected her that much.” Yeah. Okay. Nothing to do with her skill at giving head. Nope. Not at all.
That’s why I love this article so much.
Can confirm it’s a great novel for non-Mormons, too. My favorite of yours, but you knew that. 🙂👍
😍
The California lawsuit is one of many disputes concerning efforts to protect the privacy of transgender and gender-nonconforming students playing out across the United States.
Reuters, home of punctiliously unbiased journalisming.
The Supreme Court is also considering whether to take up a lawsuit against a Massachusetts public school district over actions by teachers and officials to support the gender identity of students. The court in 2024 turned away similar challenges in Wisconsin and Maryland.
The Supreme Court, which has a 6-3 conservative majority, has been asked repeatedly to rule on efforts by President Donald Trump’s administration and Republican-led states to restrict the rights of transgender people.
I get it now. This is a press release from the ACLU.
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mary beard
@wmarybeard
On the question of whether churches should be allowed to become mosques, let’s remember that the Parthenon was originally a “pagan” temple, then was converted into a Christian church, then became a mosque. This kind of conversion is not historically unusual.
Ben Sixsmith
@BDSixsmith
So true, Professor Beard. Those paranoid nativists should take heart from the cheering example of the *checks notes* Ottoman conquest of Greece
https://x.com/BDSixsmith/status/2028837417004704106
Can the mosques become breweries after?
this church became a brewery.
https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g188593-d2060324-Reviews-Jopenkerk-Haarlem_North_Holland_Province.html
I had a beer called Doubting Thomas there. too much alcohol.
The Pittsburgh Church Brew Works is amazing.
I don’t know what’s better, the beer or the food.
It’s become much more common here with the closure of a lot of Catholic churches. There’s another brewery and a meadery down Kent way that are in old churches as well.
There once was a man from Kent…
An old church in Dayton became an indoor climbing center.
I just got hit with a 30% unrealized gains tax
I’m in America
Didn’t think this could happen here
I’m up 200% on Nvidia stock I bought a while ago
But now I have to pay 30% of that gain – without even cashing out my shares
Outrageous
The tax?
My wife insists that we “need” to renovate the guest bathroom and since my stocks are up so much, we should go for the luxury options
Unrealized gain taxes are here
https://x.com/HedgeFundFomo/status/2028837118152147284
Clearly he was not paying attention.
Wives do be like that, Mr. Stancil.
This is also why there are no female libertarians….
I’ve never seen the point of most redecorating, much less major remodels.
GTFO.
It doesn’t matter what she wanted the money for. What matters is that
a) the government took money from them that
b) they DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE YET.
And she has the fucking RIGHT to remodel her bathroom in any fucking damn way she pleases with HER OWN MONEY. That they earned. That the government took. BEFORE THEY HAD IT.
But sure, trash the woman because she wants a nice bathroom.
GTFO.
I’m pretty sure the unrealized gain was a joke. i.e. the tax was being levied by his wife to have the bathroom reno. No un-realized tax from the government. Yet. And TedS was playing along with the joke. But I could be wrong on all fronts. There’s a first time for everything.
Must resist adding to the joke. Must. Resist.
it is a joke post damnit. you people
I may have a new follow.
I’m in.
Popular Trash Holiday
🫡
My wife insists that we “need” to renovate the guest bathroom and since my stocks are up so much, we should go for the luxury options
Wealth is a state of mind.
You’ll have nothing and you’ll like it.