Genre – Historical Fiction
Movie Total Runtime – 2 Hours 35 Minutes
Spoilers – Yes
The title sequence explicitly dates this movie to “the turn of the 12th century”. That’s about a hundred years before the modern folklore setting of the reign of Richard I. Unless somebody messed up and conflated the 1200s and the 12th century. If this isn’t the reign of William II or Henry I, we’ll know for sure. We do start in a Nottingham that looks like a few thatched huts in a field at night. If it were the reign of William Rufus, the Saxon-style wattle and daub architecture would still be prevalent as we’re less than forty years into Norman rule. A woman narrative instinct tells me is likely Marian goes around waking people to respond to the commotion, disrespecting the old man who is still the manorial lord, and grabbing a longbow. Now, I mentioned in the review of the 2018 fantasy piece the brutal draw weight of longbows of the era. But Hollywood likes to cast women as archers because they don’t realize the amount of upper body strength required for these weapons, or the years of training. Bows are not “guns but twangy”.
We find out what mistake the filmmakers made in the next title card when they declare Richard is on his way back after ten years on crusade. Richard only had the throne for ten years. He spent 1190-1194 absent on crusade and in German captivity. I was going to credit the movie some grace in that some people incorrectly use “turn of the X Century” to refer to the end. I’ve always been taught it refers to the century just beginning. But I’m not feeling charitable. Especially as the filmmakers have made another choice and changed Robin’s name from Locksley to Longstride. For what reason?
We emerge from the title to be positively informed that they are at Chalus in France in 1199. Historically, this is where Richard bought it after a crossbow hit to the shoulder turned gangrenous. I’m trying to come up with a joke about a guy named Crowe playing Robin. While I stew on what to call Bird, we get introduced to Richard, and Hollywood seigecraft. To up their ‘splosions quotient, the English deploy some liquid explosive pedtards to ignite the portcullis. I get that traditional seigecraft isn’t cinematic. But what kind of pedant would I be if I didn’t remark on it.
Shockingly, we switch back to England with Richard un-shot. There was have a scene of questionable historiocity where John is cavorting with his future second wife, Isabella, while still married to his first wife, Isabella. By church law, John and Isabella were too closely related, and failed to get special disposition from the church to be married, resulting in an interdict against John, forbidding him from seeing Isabella. The interdict was eventually lifted, but the marriage annulled and a year later, John married Isabella. It’s unclear if Isabella ever met Isabella before Isabella became queen in 1200. Isabella had no children, but Isabella had fourteen – five by John and nine by her second husband. I’m beating this dead horse joke a bit much, so I’ll give the film demerits for having the second isabella already an adult in 1199, when she was only 11-13 in reality.
We cut back to France, where Bird is conning his fellow soldiers with a shell game, further reducing my opinion of him. In the meantime, we get introduced to a different man named Locksley who is a suck-up to Richard. In a twist on the traditional “Slander John” approach, this movie decides to besmirch Richard. I am no fan of the Lioheart, but among his last acts as king before dying was to pardon the boy who’d shot him – a pardon his soldiers did not honor. In this film he is depicted as demanding an honest answer from Bird, then punishing it when he gets it. They also misrepresent the events at Acre. When negotiations for a prisoner exchange broke down, both sides executed their prisoners of war. The movie changes this to the massacre of women and children, probably thinking that unseen Saracen soldiers would not evoke reflexive sympathy from the audience. I dwell on this because usually the Lionheart is Lionized (pun intended). So far we have no gratuitious diversity for the sake thereof, but the dialog excludes any mention of Saladin’s share of culpability for the breakdown in negotiations. In fact, it excludes any mention of Saladin at all. Going only by the words on the screen, you’d think there was no complicated years-long siege and that Richard marched into Acre, butchered the civilians, and marched on again.
So, Richard gets shot by a crossbow bolt, in the neck instead of the shoulder to speed things along since the movie is long enough as it is. Moments before Philip II of France was hiring Bald Knight to assassinate Richard as he expects his chances of invading the Isles would be better against John. Not sure how Bald Knight is to collect his reward when he was nowhere near the scene when Richard bites it.
Other than the historical figures and Bird, I’m having trouble mapping the cast to the folklore. Nobody introduces themselves or asks for anyobody’s name. Even with strangers. I can’t tell you who these characters are meant to be, because the movie hasn’t told me. Except for a scene with Marian now, and we get another self-contradictory moment in the movie. Marian meets with a priest named Tancred and an overweight churchman I assume is going to turn out to be Tuck, asking for seed corn so the fields can be planted. Yet at the same time in France, the fields are depicted as being having just been cut from harvest and the threshing interrupted by the English army. Which is it? England and France are not Antipodial nations. It will not be planting in one and harvest in the other. Even winter wheat is not ready for harvest in the spring, it merely germinates over the cold months.
Ignorant of the fall of Richard, Bald Knight launches his ambush of the English vanguard, and Locksley dies. Bird ends up counterattacking the French ambush force, making a right muddle of things, and grazing Bald Knight’s face with an arrow. So, Bird says he’ll take Robin’s sword back to the Locksleys. Bird and the Bandits pillage the battlefield and steal the identities of the dead men to get their place on the ship bound for England.
The depiction of Marian interfereing with the ploughman when the Sheriff comes by to inquire about back taxes. She’s stated to be the wife of Locksley, meaning she would have no knowledge or business grabbing the plowhorse’s reins and steering it. Of course she cuts across the existing furrows, but I wouldn’t expect Dame Locksley to know how to plow.
[Rant on Medieval naval vessels redacted for brevity.]
Anyway, still impersonating Robin, Bird informs Elanor, John, and Isabella that Richard is dead. We learn that Bald Knight is named Godfrey. We get a new historial figure not normally invoked – William Marshal. It is unclear what role he’s meant to play at this juncture. Bald Knight orders his minions to deal with Bird, trying to cover up his actions on the continent. We get a fight by firelight where I can hardly tell who’s who. In another ahistorical move, John retires Marshal – who never formally left royal service despite a rocky relationship with John, even serving as Regent for Henry III.
Bird meets Marian doing yet alother job she is unsuited for, prepping a horse for shoeing. This is tiresome. Even amongs churls, peasants, serfs and yeomen, you will not find one individual doing all of the tasks she has taken on (I’ve omitted some for brevity). None of these tasks are even among those that would be performed by a Manorial Lady, even in her husband’s absense. It is tiresome. I get that Crowe is too old to be chasing Maid Marian, and so Widow Marian has taken her place, I’m not even bothered by that. But Widow Marian should be involved in the administration of the estate, not doing the peasants’ chores for them. Her time would have been better spent negotiating for a loan of seed corn from anybody who had some to stave off famine. Not foraging for moss in the woods or interfering with the ferrier’s duties.
I’m trying to nail down what my problem with this movie is. I am an hour in to the run time and it’s not gotten my attention. Oh, I nitpick the historical issues because it’s entertaining to do so. But I think that shines a light on the root problem. I am watching your film and looking for ways to make my own fun at its expense. The problem is ultimately – I’m bored. Your cast is too large for me to care about the characters, but your scope is too small for an Epic. Your pacing is slower than snails, and I can’t even put names to people who’ve had large amounts of screen time. I am guessing at who is supposed to be Little John, only by the fact that he was called John and isn’t the King.
I have got ninety minutes left in the run time and I just don’t want to watch it anymore. Not because it’s awful or offensive, but because it’s dull as dogshit.
Credit for doing some of your research, but I’m bailing.
Sticking to partners with the same name helps prevent awkward misnaming at inopportune moments.
I went out with three gals with the name of Crystal one week. It was pretty silly.
One liked me.
One wanted to set me up with one of her friends.
Worth a laugh I guess.
Were they all strippers?
One was a stuck up snob. My 71 GMC ran her off with a quickness. It saved me from two expensive bitches.
The other was a bisexual ‘artsy’ type that smoked clove cigarettes.
The third was the one I was most interested in, blond college basketball player. She tried to hook me up with a friend of hers that was in a couple of my classes. I was not interested.
Like Anna Karenina having a husband and lover with the same name.
A good friend of mine has two ex-wives named Anna. So, I refer to them as Anna and Anna-also.
Q: What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
A: Anna 1, Anna 2.
That is Tres worthy.
This is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl…
“…I’ll give the film demerits for having the second isabella already an adult in 1199, when she was only 11-13 in reality.”
Damn. Hollywood envies your desire to normalize seeing 11-13yo’s up with 14 kids. Wait. No, or, kinda. They’d be thrilled to show her getting getting pumped full of ’em, but, crucially, major scenes need to show how easy and acceptable it is for that age group to get so many state-provided abortions.
Safe, legal and rare –> Celebrate? Huh. Combined with their pro-child genital mutilation stance? A barren BINGO card.
I was not advocating John cavorting with a historically accurately aged Isabella on-screen.
I was picking on the obvious mistakes made.
I’m picking on Hollywood for not taking the opportunity you know they wanted to. Normalize kids havin’ sex?
‘Well, everyone’s (always) been doing it, but we can add more abortaganda!
Was thinking about the Mohammad today, he of the 9yo wive(s?). Princesses (and more) were often set up to wed, or be wed, while still pre-pubescent. With the West, I kinda assume it was ‘known’ to wait until the girl actually flowered before all the sex began. The contractual marriage was underway, and as both parties developed, things will go the way things do. (I’m positive plenty of teenage shenanigans occurred.)
Is Mo kinda the same? I highly, highly doubt it. Thinking of the religions *current* adherents, I’m guessing the region in 500-600 AD woulda been completely devoid of anything resembling “patience” or “kindness.” I’m trying to figure out if the Pedo-Mo theme/idea is based on reality, or if the ‘9yo wife’ scorn thrown his way looked more like Euro medieval royalty tying their children to other families.
Mo was not the same. The common example being Aisha who he married when she was Six and consummated when she was Nine.
I’m sure he waited till she was nine…
OT LOL…
My hotel room has a fainting couch.
That’s classy.
No cuck chair?
Do I want to know what that is…?
It’s the internet’s term for the armchair found in hotel rooms on the assumption that it is used to watch.
It’s because the internet is full of filthy-minded people who think the worst of others.
Or maybe they just have a sense of humor.
No armchairs here – I didn’t get a conversation nook like I did for my stay in Weehawken a few weeks ago.
I did get the engineer dude to help me hook up my Switch though 🙂
I have some chores at nu apartment but at least I won’t be bored here in the hotel.
I can say that there’s no shortage of men who have sat and watched me First with their wife from the corner chair in a darkly lit room.
A First has to eat bro. It’s good money.
Ha!
It’s a chaise longue.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zd9jeJk2UHQ
That slaps.
Checked a few of their other songs, good stuff.
Relish the decadence.
It’s a thing of beauty.
Oooh! Firm is good.
Welcome to Versailles.
Not knowing much, but I’ve heard mixed things about this year’s “The Death of Robin Hood.” Hugh Jackman is an old Robin, haunted by his past. Apparently, it’s remarkably violent. I strongly approve of medieval violence, particularly if they kept his historically correct.
Like many things, it could be a good idea if properly executed. *shrug*
Didn’t Robin Hood start his death rattle, ask for his bow, and shot one last arrow as he died? I seem to recall that.
Save one arrow for yourself.
It was to choose the spot for his grave.
You can tell it was added centuries later, because it would be outside of hallowed ground and no medieval man wants to be in unconsecrated ground, as that would cause issues in the hereafter.
Self-inflicted longbow shot to the back of the head.
How could a guy do that, C.P.?
Oh, I get it, it’s a joke…
+1 Vince Foster Chipper.
It’s been done.
You Sherwood like that, EV.
I’ll say it, the wrong Scott brother died.
Bold words about the guy who directed this turd.
But he also directed this.
Good for him. I hated that movie.
Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”
Now I want to read some Poe.
I was quite displeased with the Rue Morgue.
Weirdly, I like his poetry more than his stories. And I hate poetry.
The song, or the story?
The song is great. 🤘🤘
Sir, how dare you criticize a strong, independent, bowmaster who happens to be a birthing person, or the portrayal thereof.
I found an Aviation RTD at what is probably going to be my go-to liquor store around the corner.
The bottle claims “notes of cherry, lemon, and violet” but TBH the lemon feels overpowering to me. Still goes down a little too easy.
“Still goes down a little too easy.”
Add more gin.
I bought a big bottle of vodka while I was at it but no extra gin.
A couple weeks ago I had the On The Rocks whiskey sour. Holy hell that was nice and easy. I looked for it today but went with the Aviation instead.
… uh. Add more vodka.
What town are you in here in NJ? Weehawken?
Jersey City
I remember you said that’s where work is. It makes sense.
Are you close to PATH and/or the light rail?
Grove St.
TBH I can walk to work* but easy access to PATH will be helpful for frequent visits to NYC.
*Boss got me remote a few weeks ago – after I already planned to move. Oh well, I kind of want to go back in anyway because going back to “normal” is good for me right now.
That’s what I figured. You being a city person would want to easily get to NYC.
Naturally… Still you didn’t want to stay where you were. Disadvantage is welcome to metro NYC prices!
Most of my visits to NYC will be visits to doctors but I won’t mind some recreational visits either.
Rent is insane but at least groceries are reasonable. 🫤
*blinks stupidly*
I can’t keep my Isabella’s straight.
They turn lesbian on you?
Oh, well played.
👯♀️🤔
Is there a reason you didn’t include a link to this movies IMDB page or at least a YT clip, fuck man I can’t arsed to figure out WTF you’re on about.
Hey buddy, stop doing that thing.
He put the year it was made 2010!
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0955308/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_3_tt_8_nm_0_in_0_q_robin%20hood
So I have to enact his labor? Fuck off slaver. The bare minimum of blogging/posting is you link to the shit you are rambling on incoherently about. Fuck sakes, it aint the 1980’s anymore we shouldn’t have to check footnotes and bibliographies.
No links! No quotes! How am I supposed to find these books you’re blathering on about??
Zing!
Username checks out.
The idea was that the self contained rant was there to amuse the reader.
I supposed the unhinged suffering of a pedant might not be entertaining to everyone.
The Errol Flynn version remains the best. Energetic, colorful, good swordplay, and charisma.
Doing a re-watch of The Prisoner (1968) – I have made it to Fall Out, the final episode.
Now you stuck me with an ear worm. Also Iron Maiden.
Love that series. I had two lovely 3-night stays at Portmeirion, the Village in The Prisoner. Amazing place.
“changed Robin’s name from Locksley to Longstride”
To confuse people into thinking he was Aragorn?
“William Marshall”
As I recall when young (and his liege was the Young King Henry, eldest son of Henry II) he was considered the premier jouster of his age. He was about as close as you could get in that time to being a self-made man, starting out a common knight and ending up an Earl.
“Women archers” Medieval legends are loaded with them, the troubadours undoubtedly realizing that women can’t go one-on-one with a mail in hand-to-hand combat. But generally they ignored what you pointed out about longbows. There was a sprinkling of female knights as well in the tales, Spencer’s The Faerie Queen had at least one.
A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. “Now there are only two bears on this mountain,” the ranger explained. “One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?” The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.
The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male.
Oooh, I’ve heard the punchline but in a different story. Huh, I remember it quite well. It’s 2003 and I’m in Australia with a group of other high schoolers, and one of our guides (the girls really, really, really liked him) did a similar joke but with crocodiles. Don’t recall a Jew in his version.
I went out to pick up some food and apparently it’s Puerto Rican Day cuz they are everywhere. It is like monsooning tonight and all the scantily clad chicas look miserable.
Sadly, we will never see that Seinfeld episode again.
As mentioned, I’ve much tightened my Crest Quest piece for outsiders, and now I’ve officially made my first formal submission. Cost me $2.50(!!) for Sun Magazine. Over the weekend, I’m gonna write up pitches for other outlets as well. I think that pic of my bracketed and micro-screwed skull is a fairly, quite, quite strong selling point. I told ’em I have others, but to not graphic in the edit, I only use that one and the cute little ‘where does it hurt’ drawing for the docs in Thailand. (The one with the smirk! (Uh. There are no others.))
I’m gonna continue my job search, oddly hopeful State Eligibility Consultant has legs. I sent a couple of the paralegal ones to MN Munchkin and she was thrilled, as she says it (theoretically) would be great for her. (Except the clientele.) I also got confirmation I’m going to get paid for 80hrs work on Aug. 21, which is pretty, pretty fucking sweet. Damn profitable July. But I should check in with Meijer, soon.
Asked radiologist neighbor for a referral, showed her my edema, she said get to UC NOW.
This text was sent to Bobs phone (with my permission) and he still doesnt care.
What did she say after you told her you couldn’t leave to go anywhere?
“UC-Berkeley math prof says she has to teach fractions to calculus students because standards have fallen so far
“Some students are five to eight years behind in mathematics. Office hours that should be spent discussing integrals instead become lessons on fractions and basic algebra you would expect students to learn in middle school,” wrote Zvezdelina Stankova, of UC Berkeley, in an op-ed piece on Saturday for the San Francisco Standard.
Stankova — who rose through the mathematics world to earn a PhD from Harvard after being born in communist Bulgaria — described the admissions process as “less like careful evaluation and more like chance. … she says the standards for students at the country’s most elite public university have made its campus a laughing stock.”
======
Good on her for trying. “Govt Schools ‘graduate’ illiterates” should be enough to summon the pitchforks, esp charted against the $$ taken in “for” education. Pity, that.
WASHINGTON — Democrats now overwhelmingly have a more favorable view of socialism than capitalism, according to a shocking new poll. Nearly 60% of party members support socialism compared to 18% who view it negatively, while just 32% have a favorable view of capitalism compared to 50% who see it as negative, according to the CBS News/YouGov survey.
The poor marks for capitalism among Democrats get even worse when narrowed down to those who have a college degree, with 71% of that group favoring socialism compared to 16% viewing it unfavorably, the poll showed.”
Suppose I’m impressed 32% ‘like’ whatever “capitalism” is supposed to mean. (Rich, evil, white, yes…(((Them?)))) Only 71% of college grads are pro socialist?! Pump those fucking rookie numbers up, wow.
I see a causal connection with your previous post.
Its strange how whenever you watch police bodycam footage of a “marginalized” BIPOC speaking to the police they seem very certain they can say the magic words and dictate how every aspect of it will play out. You could walk away with the impression that they are actually used to being privileged and being able to browbeat white people in their everyday life.
Provocation has been taught, curriculum focused on escalation. Why not? It’s paid off for so many.
It’s really vile. Just like Osama bin Laden won, MLK Jr. lost.
Ugh….happy Monday, I suppose. Hi Glibs.
😴⏰☕️
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQHFusBo2R8
🎶🎶
Wrong link, I think.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6Mx5xKOMAk
🎶🎶
Good morning, Sean, Roat, rhy, and Ted’S.!
Morning, GT.
Good morning, U! How are you today?
I don’t know.
Hmmm….OK. 🤔 I hope that’s not a bad sign. Please keep us posted!
Mornin’
Mornin’.
Preservationists raise concerns about Freedom 250 Grand Prix’s damage on historic murals
I did not realize the race included indoor segments.
A more serious president would celebrate America 250 with a tranny parade, not this toxic masculine shit.
a drag race?
Who needs editors?
[ sits in corner, sobbing quietly ]
Whee!
Don’t read the comments.
I block comments everywhere I can so I am not tempted.
Not former educators.
Harry And Meghan Hit With Brutal ‘Disappear Professionally’ Verdict After Latest Business Flop
That is embarrassing.
LOL!
Clearly we need to get in the cat video business to finance Glibertarians II.
Cats are not libertarian, they love freedom, but only for themself, all others must worship and obey. Cats are theocratic monarchists.
I’d watch something called CatVideoFest, and as long as it was cute and/or funny cat videos I’d be happy.
I’d rather not watch anything with the less successful oppressed rich couple attached.
anything? Not even their public encounter with Madame Guillotine?
I’m not into snuff.
I can just imagine how catty Meghan is being about losing