“I’m important, important for 2024,” Kamala said forlornly. “Thomas Friedman said so.”
“Ma’am, you can’t keep calling me like this,” Astrid said sleepily into the phone. “You fired me four months ago.”
“That wasn’t me!” Kamala said, flaring into anger. “That was Bad Kamala! You know Bad Kamala likes to imitate me!”
“There is no Bad Kamala, ma’am.”
“Yes, there is! She’s the one that can’t give speeches and no one likes.”
Astrid covered the speaker of her phone with her thumb and sighed deeply. Her girlfriend beside her in bed stretched and rolled over, muttering, “Jesus Fucking Christ.”
“I forget to silence the ringer,” Astrid needlessly whispered.
“Astrid?” Kamala said, distressed. “Are you there?”
“Yes, ma’am,” she said tiredly into the phone.
“I hate being so hated. Have you read about me on the internet? People hate me.”
“They don’t hate you, ma’am. They just don’t know you like those that are close to you do.”
Her girlfriend snorted and got out of bed. “I can’t believe you do this,” she whispered.
“Really?” Kamala asked.
“Really,” Astrid replied firmly.
Astrid listened to the Vice President sob quietly for a few moments before she finally said, “Have you been drinking?”
“N-n-n-o,” Kamala blubbered.
“Are you sure, ma’am? I know you and Karine go out on Tuesday nights.”
“Wednesdays are often really hard on me,” Kamala said in a tiny voice.
“But that’s no reason to abuse alcohol.”
“I know. I swear sometimes I just drink for the taste of it.”
Astrid knew where this was heading. Drunk Kamala was just like drunks everywhere, they loved to tell you stories that you’ve heard dozens of times before.
“The taste of it, wash the taste of it out of my mouth.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Astrid said, tensing for the repeated revelation.
“I sucked so many cocks to get where I am,” Kamala said. “I’ve… I’ve never told anyone before.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“So many cocks, Astrid. Like an ocean of cock. And it was San Francisco, you know? Half of them tasted like their boyfriend’s shit. That’s the thing with bi guys.”
“Ma’am, maybe you shouldn’t be telling me these things,” Astrid said.
“I don’t have anyone else!” Kamala wailed. “I’m sorry I hit you with a phone. Please come back.”
“That’s not going to happen, ma’am. You need to accept that.”
“Sooo many cocks, Astrid. I’ll never suck a dick again, I’ll tell you that much.”
“It’s a form of self-harm, ma’am.”
“Is she talking about all of the dick she sucked again?” Astrid’s girlfriend asked, walking back into the bedroom. She was smooth like a seal in the light from the street and city, her breasts casting the faintest of shadows across her ribcage.
I always sleep with girls who look just like me, Astrid thought. My analyst is going to have a field day with that one.
“Self-harming is a large component of self-harm,” Kamala said.
“Yes, ma’am,” Astrid said, shuddering a bit as her girlfriend ran her arm up her bare leg, pausing at her hip bone to hold and squeeze.
“I have to go throw up!” Kamala said suddenly and the line went dead.
*retches a little*
*retches a lot*
*starts to unzip*
Wait, that’s it?
Tease.
“Thomas Friedman said so.”
That may actually be the funniest bit.
Certainly not Milton Friedman.
Or Kinky Friedman.
Coin-toss between that and “I have to go throw up.”
The Friedman line exposes the layers of self-delusion. She deludes herself that she’s important based on the delusion that Friedman is in any way important.
Yeah, and everything else was foreshadowed by the main page sentence.
I usually navigate on the link from the previous post, so I rarely see those or the featured illo.
You…barbarian.
I just flow from the last comment to the next.
I always sleep with girls who look just like me, Astrid thought. My analyst is going to have a field day with that one.
“Analyst”. Hmm….
He’s an analyst and a therapist. ‘Theanalrapist’ for short.
Holy continuity errors Batman! Astrid had the biggest tits! That’s why she was so pissed off when xe was chosen to bind them and become Asterix the enby.
Good catch. I can’t even keep the third-string characters straight.
…I like Astrid, okay?
It’s from her perspective. Body dysmorphia.
Philosophically analyzing SF is known to cause cancer in California.
You’re are correct in that. Dammit. I should have checked the series Bible.
Is this bible illustrated? Asking for a friend.
If I could draw I’d have character sketches. But it is ultimately a joke. There is no series Bible because I’m usually better than this about continuity.
In my head-canon, Astrid is quite angular and striking, with fairly short white-blond hair, business casual with a classic corporate fashion sense. She will eventually be a shark in the private sector, changing over now that her time in the public has shown her that politicians are basically all idiots, perverts, and perverted idiots.
I have offered.
That is good
That’s awesome. It’s like a slightly more evil Necronomicon.
Wait til she finds out what the private sector is like…
And this was always my head canon for Astrid.
Here Joyce is again. With less rack on display, but peak 80s.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=621Nk3Ubz4A
Just use an AI art generator to create them.
As I pointed out yesterday; in this world you’re creating, “the Mouth of Madness” is a documentary.
In my headcanon, the non-Astrid members of the intern pool were the characters out of whatever one of those mean girls movies I watched. The one with the line “stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen.”
And no, I’m not interested in buying an Astrid waifu pillow… as far as you know.
Already own one, eh?
I already have a Waifu pillow named after a different Astrid. I mean my creepy friend does 🙄.
“It’s a form of self-harm, ma’am.”
I’m not gonna lie, That was unexpected.
My analyst is going to have a field day with that one.
Does anyone have analysts anymore? It’s just pillpushers or therapists these days.
” Half of them tasted like their boyfriend’s shit. That’s the thing with bi guys.”
Tough to choose, but that has to be the winner.
Sure, sure, like she never went A2M.
Sometimes its OK
I’m mentally translating that as Arizona to Montana
*glares at anyone who would akshually the initialism*
Which geographically…still works out
This may be the cause of her speech impediment. At least partly.
Her palate was cleft by force?
She can pronounce words fine. It’s syntax, semantics, and logic that impair her speeches.
Significant head bobbing causes brain slosh?
CTE related damage? We’ll know if she starts showing up in a helmet.
With handles?
Gawds, it is good to have Astrid back – even just for a cameo.
This is better than what those striking Hollywood writers churn out.
“Self-harming is a large component of self-harm,” Kamala said.
Lol. Perfection.
Yup. One of those lines that is almost impossible to write because you think it won’t make any sense unless you get the context absolutely right.
Astrid got fired? Noooo!
OT
@Tonio, you haz mail.
W00t! Thanks. Perfect timing. rainy afternoon so it’s website work time.
I didn’t know she reads Joemale.
*JOEMALA*
Sometimes I hate myself.
Yeah, imagine when you have to follow Joemala and the SF afternoon links. [pouts]
Joemale is Joemala after dark.
Send your steamy correspondence to ron73440@joemale.com
And now I find myself asking if there are any heterosexual women in the Biden-verse.
With the men they have to choose from? Why would there be?
*polite applause*
I think Strawberry is still on the team, but she hates herself for it.
Strawberry is a gynophile. I can’t remember the name of her Korean playtoy.
Strawberry (the circle back girl) isn’t really on the Biden Team anymore, but I’m pretty sure she’s married to a guy.
Not Adahn is referencing Joemala canon and he seems to have quite the grasp of it.
There’s a Cannon?
Sure she is. MSNBC is most def Team Donk, and Team Biden.
Yep. The company name on the check may have changed, but it’s coming from the same account written by the same accountant.
I don’t remember her name, but I remember her poignant post encounter-she-goes-along-with-to-keep-her-job line:
“it doesn’t actually taste like strawberries, you know.”
Bingo, Mo.
With the men they have to choose from? Why would there be?
THIS.
These guys are train wrecks, with less amusement factor.
I’m pretty sure SF writes about the parallel evil twin to the Oglafverse.
Like an ocean of cock.
I thought the commonly used term was “miles of cock”.
After which she gets the “thousand-cock-stare”.
While on a walk-of-cock-shame out the door
Cock o’ the walk of shame.
Pfft. That’s barely 3 a day for a year. She’s got the 10,000 cock stare and maybe the half-million.
appropos
I was waiting for that reference.
It was either that or Clerks.
In a row?
Just had a couple calls with Jared (Zach Woods) about directing a commercial. He ultimately wasn’t the client’s choice but he was great and I would certainly welcome the opportunity again.
I believe the proper terms of measurement are in fathoms, knots and leagues.
“There is no Bad Kamala, ma’am.”
There is only
ZuulBad Kamala.I thought of this.
That would make more sense than our current reality.
Groovy.
With the men they have to choose from? Why would there be?
I think we can safely assume the “second gentleman” is nothing but a scraggly beard.
Probably he gets to eat at the Y now and then.
There’s a lot of cock in this one.
one = Kamala
Kockmala.
That’s a lot
Lawyers ARE slimy motherfuckers. The slimiest are in the government.
Ex-Fox News host Tucker Carlson said his deposition in the Dominion defamation lawsuit “triggered the shit out of me” and called the lawyer who conducted it a “slimy little motherfucker,” in an expletive-laden behind-the-scenes video obtained by Media Matters.
What could have happened during the deposition that made Carlson so angry?
The lawsuit exposed Carlson’s numerous misogynistic, racist, hypocritical, and otherwise embarrassing text messages, which may have played a role in his dismissal and Fox’s record-breaking settlement.
I have yet to see one fitting this description.
BREAKING NEWS! Tucker’s messages offend people already offended by him!
I have yet to see one fitting this description.
Is there anyone who doubts they would be all over twatter in all their unexpurgated glory if they actually existed?
In my head-canon, Astrid is quite angular and striking, with fairly short white-blond hair, business casual with a classic corporate fashion sense. She will eventually be a shark in the private sector, changing over now that her time in the public has shown her that politicians are basically all idiots, perverts, and perverted idiots.
In other words, marks. Feckless sheep, begging to be shorn.
Hehh… He said head canon.
Good question.
Literal food police.
How else you gonna enforce the collapse of the FedGov.
It’s baaaack
The US is hurtling towards an entirely preventable economic crisis, and a trillion-dollar coin could solve all of its problems — if the Biden administration decides to take it seriously.
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said that the government could run out of money to pay its debts as soon as June 1, triggering a never-before-seen debt-ceiling crisis. Even a short default could cost the country almost a million jobs and trigger a recession.
But Republicans and Democrats are still waiting for the other to blink. The House GOP narrowly passed a bill last week that would tie massive budget cuts to a one-year increase, which Senate Democrats have proclaimed dead on arrival. President Joe Biden said he would veto that legislation, and continues to insist upon a clean raise.
Some economists say that means it’s time for a break-the-glass option: a trillion-dollar coin.
The coin — which wouldn’t need to be bigger than an average coin, and can be made quickly — is part of a potential debt-ceiling loophole. The Treasury Department can mint platinum coins of any denomination. That’s led to a school of thought that says Yellen should simply mint a trillion-dollar platinum coin and deposit it to pay off the debts until a more permanent solution can be found.
We’ll need more than one, you cheapskates.
Deposit it, where? You think the Fed is going to accept that at face value? I’m no expert on the Fed’s accounting, but that would be (a) non-negotiable (as in, non-transferable) and (b) a trillion dollar liability for the Fed, wouldn’t it? I don’t know how that doesn’t just collapse the Fed’s balance sheet.
I don’t know how that doesn’t just collapse the Fed’s balance sheet.
That would be the point.
Yellen, Brainard, et al want to destroy the Fed and roll it up into the Treasury. They’re full commie (or they’re so incredibly maliciously stupid as to be indistinguishable from the real thing).
An object with no value actually behind it and you just go for a trillion? Where is your imagination!
Brilliant. What could go wrong?
Zimbabwe waves hello!
i have $13 Trillion, buddy. It’s nice and purple.
At least he’s honest
Note that it’s not “Fuck who I want and leave everyone else alone.” It’s “I’m going to fuck everything including your kids and destroy your way of life.”
These people are a menace and will have to be destroyed before there will be any chance of actual peace.
Nice of him to include the hammer and sickle.
Include the hammer and sickle unironically. Have you ever met a self-professed commie who wouldn’t keel over after 15 minutes of actual manual labor?
If there isn’t a reply with a woodchipper showing the same compassion, I would be sad.
Grey said that the coin is a type of “messaging symbol.” At the end of the day, he argued, it helps break through the noise, and show that a simple solution can be the best one. Yes, a trillion-dollar coin is silly, but would Biden “rather not look silly and hurt seniors and hurt Medicare than the other way around?”
How is it in any way different than just printing a trillion dollars’ worth of three dollar bills?
Ask the Zimbabweans how that panned out.
Minting coins is in the constitution but printing promissory notes isn’t.
“How is it in any way different than just printing a trillion dollars’ worth of three dollar bills?”
Or just getting on a computer and adding a few zeroes to some bank accounts? Is this coin supposed to add some sort of legitimacy?
Is this coin supposed to add some sort of legitimacy?
Yes.
Article I, Section 8, Clause 5:
[The Congress shall have Power . . . ] To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures; . . .
How soon before they start giving them out as change when you buy stamps at the Post Office?
Just a reminder for those who say Trump didn’t do nuttin…Chevron may get overturned because of Donald fucking Trump. Does anyone think judges nominated by the likes of Mitt Romeny or Jeb Bush or Marco Rubio would even consider it?
I’ve consistently given credit to whoever it was that Trump delegated that to – that person did a great job for the most part. There were a few clinkers.
Like Fauchi, Pompei, Mattis, Bolton…
Resembles me: https://twitter.com/simonharley/status/1653475296555806720
I ‘ve seen that movie a hundred times.
Yellen has been critical of that route as well, telling ABC’s “This Week” in 2021 that she believes it is Congress’ job to raise the debt ceiling.
“It’s Congress’s responsibility to show that they have the determination to pay the bills that the government amasses,” she said. “We shouldn’t be in a position where we need to consider whether or not the 14th Amendment applies. That’s a disastrous situation that the country shouldn’t be in.”
Okay, now let’s take up the issue of Congressionally budgeted expenditures versus Presidential giveaways.
Shorter Yellen: Why can’t you guys just keep up the lunatic spending? We’re so close to destroying the fiscal health of the country. I can taste it.
Maybe someone could ask Yellen, or any Democrat why there is a debt ceiling put in place in the first place.
Hint – it’s because the people who put it in place wanted real discussions about out of control spending to take place. Not for more deficit spending to be mindlessly rubber stamped every year. Right now, we get a theatrical show from Republicans when the Dems are in charge before they cave and get out the stamp.
Only in this case they’re not paying bills, they’re applying for another credit card.
Why would they need to do that? They’ve still got checks left!
Feds bump rate up another 0.25 percent like everyone expected.
ouch. my poor HELOC.
*Yawn*
Nice to see “The walls are closing in, we got him now” is a bipartisan thing.
No stupidity ever stays confined to one side of the aisle.
Gee, Biden is corrupt? Knock me over with a feather!