Joemala: Episode 210

by | Feb 14, 2024 | Joemala | 126 comments

 

“And I’m supposed to be Dark Brandon?” Joe asked, his eyes unshining red and hands shaking.

“Yes, it’s a meme,” Finnegan said, taking back her phone before he got it all sticky.

“A meme? Wha-wha-what’s that? Is it one of those, whatever, like, Pokemon that Hunter is always going on about?”

“It’s like a political cartoon for people who don’t know how to draw,” Finnegan said, using her shirt to rub at some spittle he had left on the screen.

Joe struggled visibly to parse her sentence.

“But my name isn’t Brandon,” Joe insisted.

“It’s a joke, Grandpa.”

“And I’m not Darkie.”

“It’s a joke, Grampa.”

“It’s not a very funny one,” he said, jerking as the medtech slid another needle into his arm, the serum a sickly blue.

“I’m sick of answering questions about Hur,” Karine said, walking into the Oval Office with Dr. Jill Biden.

“In my medical opinion, Joe is as mentally sharp as he’s ever been,” Doctor Biden said.

Finnegan fought down a barking laugh. It hurt. It physically hurt, like forcing a fart to gurgle back into your upper colon.

“He’s not feeble,” Jill said, brushing past her quivering granddaughter to wipe her husband’s face. “Just keep repeating ‘there are other innocent explanations for the documents we cannot refute.’”

“The Republicans will pounce, Ms. President,” Karine said. “Pounce like a sleek jungle cats, its muscles moving smoothly beneath her skin. Green eyes piercing the dark.”

“Have you still not found a girlfriend, Karine?” Hunter said from the open door of the Presidential Shitter. “You sound backed up.” The toilet flushed loudly, then again and again.

“Trump was right about those fucking low-flow toilets,” Hunter said, loudly not washing his hands, walking out. “I only shit like once a week and I want it to go down on the first try.”

“Fucking Hur. How dare he say Joe doesn’t know what he’s doing?” Dr. Biden said bitterly. She nudged Joe to wake him up. “Is the current formula not working any longer?”

“It does what it can,” Finnegan said, swallowing hard before attempting to speak.

“More, give him more,” The Doctor ordered. “I want him sharp for the press conference.”

“It’s at 1:15pm, why is it at 1:15pm?” Hunter asked. “It’s like you people just want him to fail.” He crossed to put his hand on Dr. Jill’s shoulder and she shuddered.

“Fucking Hur,” Karine said.

“All you have to do is call Hillary,” Hunter sang.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

SugarFree hates author bios.

126 Comments

  1. pistoffnick

    “All you have to do is call Hillary,”

    Dun, Dun, Dun…

    • Aloysious

      Hillary/Harris

      Twice the cackles.

      • The Other Kevin

        Cankles and cackles ’24!

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Damn your nimble fingers!

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        And All the Cankles!

  2. PieInTheSky

    SugarFree really should be on a government list or other

    “Pounce like a sleek jungle cats, its muscles moving smoothly beneath her skin. Green eyes piercing the dark.” – more like an arthritic sloth, but close enough

    • R C Dean

      I think Hunter is onto something. Blackberry sounds like she needs some action.

  3. Not Adahn

    “Just keep repeating ‘there are other innocent explanations for the documents we cannot refute.’”</blockquote.

    That seems fake, but I'mma google it to make sure.

    • PieInTheSky

      google blockquote?

      • Not Adahn

        The occasional broken HTML is proof of its hand-crafted nature and gives the posts character.

    • SugarFree

      Straight from Hur’s report.

      • R C Dean

        Isn’t it the jury’s job to decide whether then innocent explanations are sufficiently credible?

        And what difference does it make that he may have had uses for the documents that didn’t involve disclosing them to unauthorized persons (not to mention foreign agents)? He, in fact, did so disclose them. If I hit someone in the head with a hammer, does it matter if I claim they had a fly on their head?

      • SugarFree

        Exactly. Is it a crime or not? Was he too incompetent to form intent *eight years ago* when he took the documents home?

      • Not Adahn

        I guess it would be impolitic to put “it would be impossible to convict Biden in DC” in writing.

  4. DEG

    “The Republicans will pounce, Ms. President,”

    I like how Karine addresses Dr. Jill.

    Karine said. “Pounce like a sleek jungle cats, its muscles moving smoothly beneath her skin. Green eyes piercing the dark.”

    Karine is aroused.

    “Have you still not found a girlfriend, Karine?” Hunter said

    And Hunter is the cure.

    • rhywun

      Hunter is the cure

      🤮

      • Nephilium

        If you catch all the diseases, you can’t get any more sick…

        /taps nose

  5. Not Adahn

    “The Republicans will pounce, Ms. President,” Karine said. “Pounce like a sleek jungle cats, its muscles moving smoothly beneath her skin. Green eyes piercing the dark.”

    “Have you still not found a girlfriend, Karine?”

    Hunter is nothing if not perceptive.

    Also.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      +1 fearful symmetry

  6. The Late P Brooks

    I want Joe to do a tiktok dance to show us how spry and limber he is. Up and down the steps of Air Force One, like Bojangles dancing with Shirley Temple.

    • The Other Kevin

      He’s going to be a huge hit on TikTok, but not for the reason they think.

    • Ownbestenemy

      You know its probably been suggested to a “Day in the life of” and who knows, probably was done..except they cut it down and doesn’t even qualify for a TikTok post; more like a Vine or whatever it was that was only 10 seconds

    • db

      look up “Walk Like a Joe Biden”

  7. db

    It physically hurt, like forcing a fart to gurgle back into your upper colon.

    I’ve never considered that to be particularly painful

    • R C Dean

      Upper colon, db.

  8. db

    “Have you still not found a girlfriend, Karine?” Hunter said from the open door of the Presidential Shitter. “You sound backed up.” The toilet flushed loudly, then again and again.

    Genius.

  9. Ownbestenemy

    So many lines that are gold.

    “In my medical opinion, Joe is as mentally sharp as he’s ever been,” Doctor Biden said.

    …like forcing a fart to gurgle back into your upper colon

    I just love that in this universe, Finnegan and Hunter are the adults in the room.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    more like an arthritic sloth

    *barking laugh*

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Has Kamala been banished from the Oval Office for her insubordinate insinuations?

    • Seguin

      I read that as “Insubordinate evacuations.” Bathroom humor.

  12. WTF

    Finnegan said, taking back her phone before he got it all sticky.

    My first laugh out loud.

  13. kinnath

    I am still amazed that the people putting out the dark brandon meme think that this is a positive image for puddin’ brains.

    • rhywun

      The same people think “MAGA” is a pejorative so… yeah. They are not very bright.

      • Nephilium

        The SuperMAGA, Ultra MAGA, and such are more entertaining to me. Could you make your opponents sound any better? I mean, I would actually vote if the Republicans running were doing all the things the Democrats keep saying they’re going to do.

      • Unreconstructed

        Inside their echo chamber, “MAGA” is a pejorative. They just don’t look outside of it.

      • rhywun

        “America was never great anyway.”

        “Greatness is racist.”

        etc. etc. are the type of responses you get when you try to point it out.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Sounds close enough to “maggot”. Never gets old.

        See also “orange” (though one doesn’t hear “Cheeto” much anymore).

    • WTF

      They’re clueless idiots who live inside a media bubble.

    • Ownbestenemy

      They really didn’t think it through…next uptick in gas prices, that will happen, its going to be that meme with pictures of gas prices. I know they think its witty and a way to say ‘ya we *eye roll* planned it’ when all its going to do is reinforce people who already think you are planning it and those on the fence to be like….ya maybe you did plan this.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      More like Dim Brandon.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Dork Brandon, am I right?

  14. Aloysious

    Finnegan fought down a barking laugh. It hurt. It physically hurt, like forcing a fart to gurgle back into your upper colon.

    Strangely, I can relate.

  15. Aloysious

    “Have you still not found a girlfriend, Karine?” Hunter said from the open door of the Presidential Shitter. “You sound backed up.” The toilet flushed loudly, then again and again.

    I, for one, did not know that it was even possible to seduce a lesbian from the potty.

    *takes notes*

  16. Aloysious

    “Trump was right about those fucking low-flow toilets,” Hunter said, loudly not washing his hands, walking out. “I only shit like once a week and I want it to go down on the first try.”

    I think he might be eating too much government cheese.

    • Not Adahn

      I assume Trump took his poop knife with him.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Heroin is constipating.

  17. Nephilium

    Unrelated to Joemala, but Psychostick did release a special Valentine’s Day song.

    • Swiss Servator

      I’ll play that for the missus tonight.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    It’s a self-actualized toaster on wheels

    The Halcyon doesn’t even have an instrument panel—a step beyond Tesla dropping gauge clusters—and uses a single 15.6-inch retractable touchscreen. It seems the Halcyon concept gives us Chrysler’s ideal picture of how connected cars and smart devices can be thoughtfully integrated into our lives, putting its customer-focused Harmony in Motion philosophy into action.

    ——-

    The design is immediately captivating, with an aerodynamic shape made of 40 percent glass. The long, sloping roof-to-road windshield gives an unobstructed view except for the Air Blade device directing air over it. According to Chrysler, the gently displaced atmosphere glides off the pointed LED tail as the STLA Large EV platform efficiently converts electrons into clean and quiet forward momentum.

    ——-

    Chrysler vice president of product management Dhruv Chadha put the progressive features of the Halcyon’s Smart Cockpit into context for us. It’s a marvelous dream, but it undoubtedly will make Luddites cringe. If cars could successfully interact with us the way he describes, they really could streamline our daily activities and enhance our leisurely endeavors—the main idea of Harmony in Motion.

    Pure poetry. And it looks like a poor copy of that piece of crap Ford GT.

    • Sean

      I hate everything about it.

      Get off my lawn.

    • The Gunslinger

      My daughter drives a Dodge Journey. There ain’t nothing thoughtful or well integrated on that rolling steaming pile of Hunter poo. Avoid any type of Chrysler product is my advice to you all.

    • rhywun

      Didn’t Logan tool around Sanctuary in one of those things?

    • R C Dean

      They’re spooging so hard in that article I think clicking the link made my tablet sticky.

  19. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    The Dems should replace Joe with Hunter. If we’re going to decline, we might as well make it a party. He can run on a platform of a hooker in every bed and blow on every mirror. He might even pick up the crucial Libertarian vote with a platform like that.

    • R.J.

      GENIUS!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Throw in a family of illegal immigrants who’ll cook for me like those people in the news right now and I’m sold.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That couple has been wanting a brown person to do their bidding for most of their lives. What pieces of shit covered in the name of compassion.

      • rhywun

        It’s the establishment’s quiet part out loud.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Hunter 2024. Meskins, Ass Sex, and Blow.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Hunter 2024. If we’re all fucked anyway, we might as well get all fucked up.

    • SugarFree

      I am but a mirror.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        So, waiting for the blow to be over?

      • R.J.

        A beautiful golden gilded framed mirror that reflects the most entertaining parts of any story.

    • R C Dean

      Brave is working fine for me on my Apple devices.

    • rhywun

      The nasty personality that we see… can you imagine how much worse it is in private?

      • kinnath

        Clinton and his purple rages.

      • rhywun

        My first thought was Hillary – ISTR they said her rages were legendary.

      • kinnath

        Yes. Hillary is also a monster.

    • rhywun

      “infighting, blame-shifting and indecision” has gotten in the way of fixing the migrant crisis (they created).”

      Pfft nonsense. The border chaos is exactly what they planned out. If they’re pointing fingers at each other it’s only because they haven’t propagandized redneck America hard enough to swallow it without complaint, and are therefore vulnerable to losing power over it.

  20. Ownbestenemy

    Numbers are starting to come in. Upwards of 450,000 people poured into Las Vegas over the weekend. Still waiting on my contacts back in Vegas for the traffic numbers in terms of ATC.

  21. Cunctator

    One of the best parts about SF stories is the descriptions of what is happening, although the dialog is also superb.

    • The Gunslinger

      It’s like being a fly on the wall seeing what really happens at the White House.

    • kinnath

      I don’t remember the name of the player, but way, way back in the day, some dude decided to run across the field and a linebacker laid him out flat. They took the runner off the field on a gurney.

      I miss those days.

    • R C Dean

      Feeble. Even more disappointing for a Florida Man.

    • rhywun

      Yup. What a pathetic POS.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Utterly unsurprising

    Mr. Bensman, who has been at the forefront of investigating the causes of the migrant surge, believes that the U.N. is “aiding and abetting mass migration.”

    People who might not have taken the risk to travel to the U.S. border because they were worried about food or safety now have help, he said.

    That help comes in the form of prepaid debit cards, food, water, shelter, medical care, and transportation, according to the U.N.

    Migrants can also directly receive cash, what the U.N. emergency manual calls “cash in envelopes.”

    And they know that the U.S. border is wide open.

    The U.S. House Committee on Homeland Security shows 6.2 million encounters at the southern border, in addition to 1.7 million known gotaways since President Biden took office.

    “They say, ‘Well, you know, we’re coming now because Biden’s letting us in,’” Mr. Bensman said.

    As illegal immigration ramped up in 2021, he went to investigate what was happening firsthand.

    What he found was IOM and other nongovernmental organizations (NGOs) helping migrants make the dangerous trek from South and Central America.

    Workers at an IOM migrant camp in Reynosa, Mexico, in 2021 told him that families of four were receiving about $800 per month on a debit card. His viral post on X, formerly known as Twitter, noted long lines of migrants waiting to receive the cards.

    An IOM Mexico spokesperson quibbled over terminology and the amount of aid but confirmed that the migrants were getting monetary assistance, according to an Agence France-Presse news agency “fact check.”

    *the International Organization for Migration (IOM), the U.N.’s migration arm.

    I keep wondering how these “refugees” manage to sustain themselves on such a long perilous journey to the Promised Land. Where does the IOM get the money? From you, Mr and Mrs American taxpayer.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      They almost always appear to have nice clean shoes and spiffy new backpacks that don’t look like they’ve made a journey of thousands of miles.

      • B.P.

        Many of them are far from skeletal as well. I’d think walking 3,000 miles might stress the body a little. A local hipster news outlet had a hard-luck story about one migrant from Venezuela, where people live on $40 a month or whatever. In the picture she’s wearing an Apple watch.

      • Mojeaux

        Just making sure to get her daily steps in.

    • The Other Kevin

      We have a friend that’s as Republican as it gets. But she put things into perspective for me. During Christmas, she was in Chicago and in the cold she saw migrant moms and kids begging on the street. It was 20 degrees. And she knows people who have been to the migrant centers. They smell like hell, and nobody who works there gives a shit about the people there. Yes, they shouldn’t have crossed the border in the first place. But when you have the US government, the UN, NGO’s, and whoever else telling them to come to the promised land and get free money and health care, and they end up in a filthy migrant shelter or on the street… that’s evil.

      • kinnath

        Just another reason why dork brandon should be under impeachment.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, it’s not even a team A vs B issue.

        Outside of MAGA types, both sides are fully on board with what’s going on – if for different reasons.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    The Dems should replace Joe with Hunter.

    The dog that bites can be veep.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    I don’t remember the name of the player

    I believe that was Mike Curtis, of the Baltimore Colts.

    • kinnath

      Sounds right. Definitely an old school Colts uniform in my memory.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Dork Brandon, am I right?

    There’s your shadow/parody account.

    • kinnath

      That’s almost worth signing up for X.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Documents show that IOM facilitates global migration and has strong ties to the Biden administration.

    IOM Director General Amy Pope served as President Biden’s senior adviser on migration. She also served as deputy Homeland Security adviser to President Barack Obama.

    In January, the IOM announced its first “annual appeal,” seeking a massive $7.9 billion to tackle the “migrant crisis” and “[realize] migration’s promise as a force for good throughout the world.”
    “The evidence is overwhelming that migration, when well-managed, is a major contributor to global prosperity and progress,” Ms. Pope said in her appeal for money to assist migration.

    The U.N. agency stated that it needs money for humanitarian reasons to “save lives” and provide “regular pathways for migration.”

    It also wants to use the money to deal with the “displacement” of people because of the “impacts of climate change.”

    U.N. documents linked to Ms. Pope’s announcement show that in 2024, the U.N. wants to spend $70 million in Panama, Costa Rica, and Mexico—all countries on the most common migration route to the United States.

    That’s so much easier and better than working to reform those other countries and make them livable.

    • Compelled Speechless

      And cheaper! Unless you’re a US tax payer.

    • The Other Kevin

      We’re told the robber barons were evil. But at least they provided some type of useful goods to people. We are living in the age of Big Pharma, Big Trans, and Big Immigration. There’s big money and it doesn’t matter who gets hurt. Evil.

    • R C Dean

      Reform kleptocratic countries that are enriching the Right People? Why would anyone want to do that?

  27. UnCivilServant

    Since the logic puzzle of the clock project is solved and what remains in the practical puzzle of assembly, my mind has been looking for a next project to work on. I think I’m going to try building a meat thermometer with an eInk display. New challenges presented – processing analog inputs from a thermocouple; outputting to a pixel-grid display screen (potentially with a color value). I suspect this will require the larger capacity microprocessor in my collection, as the clock program ate up so much of the smaller one’s storage.

    Just like with the clock, it’s not about being economically efficient (I could buy either device cheap) but the learning and the puzzle.

    Oh, I owe you guys some articles on the clock project…

    • Certified Public Asshat

      Fear mongering to get a $95B foreign aid bill completed.

      • Sean

        Winner!

    • Gender Traitor

      Hmm. My Congresscritter. Haven’t been too thrilled with him, especially lately. Not holding my breath that whatever he’s up to now will improve my opinion. 😒

    • grrizzly

      A threat from RUSSIA channeled by Natasha Bertrand, who has reliably disseminated the IC propaganda for years.

      Fraud 100%.

      • R C Dean

        The timing is . . . suggestive.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It’s a transparent crock of shit that we’re expected to pay $95,000,000,000 for. What a Goddamn snowjob.

      • rhywun

        But if we don’t stop Russia in Ukraine now, they will hit us right after they take care of Slovakia and/or Hungary, Austria, Switzerland, France, and Bermuda.

  28. Mojeaux

    So, VDay. Dude and I decided to go out for lunch to ease ourselves back into the swing of VDay being special instead of kind of a dark spot in our history together.

    Also. I’m about to tell my soon-to-be-ex bestie to take a hike. That is not a convo I’m looking forward to.

    • The Other Kevin

      I can sympathize. We have a cousin and her young son living with us. We had the spare room, and she was going through a nasty divorce. But she has worn out her welcome, and it is clear she’s taking advantage of us. I hate that there are people like that. But there are.

      • Mojeaux

        Mine was cruel to my sweet daughter for no discernible reason just out of the blue. My daughter’s forgiven her. I’m not going to.

      • The Other Kevin

        Sorry. I hope you can exit peacefully and she doesn’t lash out. I’ve seen that happen too many times.

    • Ted S.

      Just ghost her.

      • Mojeaux

        This requires confrontation.

  29. R C Dean

    Tom Luongo has an interesting post up about the Putin interview. His main point is that it was valuable simply because it showed where Putin is coming from, and we need to deal with that regardless of how loopy his historical claims might be.

    https://tomluongo.me/2024/02/13/what-everyone-is-missing-about-the-putin-carlson-talk/

    Although Luongo seemed to take his historical claims as being well grounded, and he is generally a little too forgiving of Russian adventurism and general malfeasance, but his point was also that there’s no upside in arguing with Putin about how crushingly irrelevant it is who was doing what in Ukraine 900 years ago. I liked the Mongolian response to the interview – they posted maps showing that, well, awhile back Russia mostly belonged to them.

    I think Luongo’s hatred of the WEFfers colors his views, and among other things he likes Putin because he’s a Designated Enemy of the WEFfers.

  30. KSuellington

    “The Dems should replace Joe with Hunter.”

    I think after the Hur report came out the chances of Biden being on the ballot in November are under 5%. Sometime between now and September (or even after the convention a week or two to avoid that mess) there will be The Switcheroo. It’s likely President Michelle, but who knows maybe Kamala or Guv Grease could be the anointed. The Dems are going with Plan B after the lawfare fails.

    • The Other Kevin

      They screwed him with that report. They gave him two extremely bad options. Nobody short of Slick Willy is going to get out of that.

    • kinnath

      Depends on when ballots need to be locked down in each state.

    • KSuellington

      Yup that report was in some ways more damaging to him than if he had gotten charged with something. The Hunter stuff is getting more play these days in the legacy media and it’s about to get turned up to 11. I think they will wait till as late as possible (like Kinnath replied, it’s all about when ballots need to be finalized). Michelle has gone on record that she doesn’t want it but I don’t believe it. I think it’s more that she doesn’t want to campaign for it. But if it’s just handed to her 6-8 weeks before the election. She’d jump at that chance.

      • kinnath

        The only way to get rid of Kamala is to engineer a floor vote at the convention that brings in a new candidate for Prez that has no existing obligation to Harris.

    • Nephilium

      I’ve seen more than a couple news articles in my feed from left leaning sources talking about the need to change the Democrat’s candidate.

    • Mojeaux

      This is why we can’t have nice things.

    • creech

      Why were Eagles fans attending a Super Bowl parade in Kansas City?

  31. The Late P Brooks

    His main point is that it was valuable simply because it showed where Putin is coming from, and we need to deal with that

    What? we need to continue to invent caricaturish misrepresentations of him and his intentions to stoke the flames of hate. Daddy Warbucks needs a new Bentley.

  32. Rufus the Monocled

    End of day Valentine’s gift.