The holiday most goyim know about is Hanukkah, mostly because it drops in the calendar at the same time as their big-deal holiday, Christmas. Too bad because Hanukkah is not only a lame little thing, it’s something no-one ever paid attention to until American Jewkids started whining about converting to Christianity because of the presents. Fuck Hanukkah, the real analog for the goyish holiday where everyone gets together, sings songs, drinks, and has family fights is Passover, or more correctly Pesach. And Pesach is a kick-ass holiday with a great backstory. The general backstory is pretty well known, and if you haven’t seen the sprawling epic The Ten Commandments, pour a few drinks and take in the splendor created by that notorious Jew, Cecil B. DeMille.
Unlike most other Jew holidays, Pesach is not synagogue-centric, but mostly home-based. It centers on a large ritual meal called a Seder (Hebrew for “order,” which generally does not describe real Seders). Because the Seder is a ritual, there is, of course, a guidebook, in this case, called by the euphonious appellation “Haggadah.”
The most obvious way that Pesach kicks ass is, not surprisingly, drinking. Part of the Seder ritual is the consumption of at least four glasses of wine per person, not including what you slurp down during dinner. This includes the kids, and until you’ve seen a shit-faced 8-year-old grab his Aunt Minnie’s tits and yell, “HONK! HONK!” you haven’t really experienced Pesach. The kids usually pass out shortly after this, which reminds the adults of why this requirement was traditionally put into the ceremony. The order in the Haggadah tries to space this out a bit, but the kids will still end up blowing a 0.15 BAC.
Highlights of the ritual include singing songs of praise to Yahweh for killing a bunch of Egyptians. But hey, we show our sorrow by spilling a drop of wine for each of the Ten Plagues. 100,000 dead Egyptians, 10 drops of wine, seems fair. The fun part is intoning the names of each of the plagues as the drops are spilled- we do it in Hebrew because “Dom, Tsvardayah, Kinim, Arov, Dever..” sounds much cooler than chanting, “Blood, frogs, flies, darkness, cattle disease…”
There’s a lot to choose from in the ceremony, but without a doubt, the best part was The Four Sons. Each son (with one exception) consisted of a question, which was then answered at length. Before you assume, no, the sons weren’t Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo, but rather Chachem (the wise son), Rasha (the evil son), Tam (the stupid son), and She’eino Yodaiah Lishol (the son who is too naive or young to ask a question). The questions start with “(son’s name), what does he ask?” or in Hebrew, “(son’s name), ma hu omair?” followed by the son’s question and the answer. For example, “Tam, ma hu omair?” ‘What’s all this?’ You answer the dummy by saying. ‘Yahweh sprung us from Egypt and killed a shitload of them.'” Or something like that. I have a sentimental attachment to this ritual because inevitably when the reader started with “Rasha, ma hu omair?” (The evil son, what does he say?), everyone’s head would turn to look in my direction.
The answers to the remaining three of the Four Sons’s questions are pretty much what you’d expect. To the Evil Son’s, “Why do you even bother with this?” the answer is to punch him in the mouth and tell him, “It’s because of what Yahweh did for me. Not for you. I’m not sure what the fuck you’re on about.” To the Wise Son’s, “What are all the laws, rules, and histories here?” you answer, “OK, hope you’ve got a few minutes, this is a long story…” then tell him all of the odd little rules and practices, interspersed with a history lesson.
The Son Who Is Too Naive To Ask, well, just answer the question you wish he had asked, and tell him that Yahweh kicked 16 varieties of ass and sprung us from slavery, so we’re having a party to celebrate.
The other fun ritual for the kids is the Ransom of the Afikomen. Y’all know about matzo, right? It’s like a large Communion wafer with even less flavor. Early in the Seder ceremony, a matzo is broken into thirds, and one of the thirds is wrapped up and set aside. Because (((we))) have a different word for everything, it’s called an Afikomen, which loosely translates as “dessert.” Having a piece of matzo for dessert is just one more way we like to fuck ourselves over. Part of the ritual demands that the Afikomen be used to end the meal and that the ceremony can’t end until the Afikomen is eaten. So we train our kids to recognize a business opportunity, and they ritually steal the Afikomen and hide it, demanding a ransom payment to produce it so the adults can finish up the ceremony and drink more wine (two glasses are supposed to follow the Afikomen consumption). Our favorite hiding place was in my grandfather’s filing cabinet, under “A” for “Afikomen.” We were not the most creative of children. In any case, the kids’ grubby little hands are greased with lucre, the Afikomen is produced, and many Hebrew and Aramaic songs are sung.
Theoretically, the Seder of 1971 has not ended, because our Dalmatian sniffed out the Afikomen hiding place and ate it while we were all busy opening the door for Elijah (who was, as usual, a no show). The Bible and the Talmud make no mention of what to do in these circumstances.
Unfortunately, all things Pesach have gone sharply downhill since I was a kid. Consider the Haggadah itself. In the finest American mercantile tradition, the overwhelmingly most common Haggadah was published by… Maxwell House Coffee. Just about every American Jew Family had a set of them, typically stained with wine and food from previous years. And really, they were quite good, having both the traditional Hebrew/Aramaic text and on the facing page an English translation. For very common prayers, there was even a transliteration of the Semitic so that the benighted few who hadn’t attended Hebrew school could join in. As an interesting and fitting trivia point on its origin, back in the 1920s, Maxwell House had hired a PR agency. As part of their campaign, the PR agency paid an Orthodox rabbi to declare that coffee beans were not actually beans, so therefore were kosher for Pesach. Hey, $20 is $20. So to bolster coffee sales to the Jews, they started giving away their Haggadahs with any purchase of Maxwell House coffee, and it became entrenched in American Jew culture.
But, given that the main religion of contemporary American Jews is liberalism, you can predict what happened. Yes, they “revised” the Haggadah. A mere few thousand years of tradition cannot withstand the onslaught of Social Justice Warriors. The New and Improved Maxwell House Haggadah is “inclusive” and “gender neutral,” though I note that they were unable to pull this off in the Hebrew/Aramaic parts (gendered languages) so this is thankfully restricted to the English translation. The Four Sons has transmuted to “The Four Kinds of Children.” And sometimes a Fifth is added, the oppressed child. Yahweh is no longer a King, he xe is a Monarch. Yahweh is also no longer a Father, but a Parent. It takes a lot to de-ball Yahweh, but the SJWs managed.
It gets worse.
One of the Pesach rituals is an unattended glass of wine for the prophet Elijah, just in case he shows up. Think “milk and cookies for Santa.” The SJWs, of course, find this intolerably sexist, so they put out TWO cups, the second one being for Maryam, mother of Moses. Because, hey, you never know who might show up.
Woke Jews will also place Fair Trade coffee beans (no connection to Maxwell House) on the Seder plate to symbolize… something. They will also place an orange on the plate, not as you might think to symbolize Donald Trump, but to honor LGBTQ3M# Jews. Because Biblical Era Jews were all about tolerance and acceptance of homosexuality, right? If you’re going to do social signaling, might as well get Vitamin C with it.
Alternative Haggadahs are a big deal now. Here’s the Four Sons told in the Earth Justice Haggadah (I am not making that up!):
The Wise Child: This child knows that climate change is real and that they must act to combat its effects. The Wise Child has read that global temperatures and sea levels are rising every year, that more species are becoming endangered, and that more communities are experiencing extreme weather events and decreased crop viability. The Wise Child sees all this and is motivated to combat climate change in any way they can.
The Wicked Child: The Wicked Child has read about climate change and is aware that scientists predict a whole range of negative effects if we don’t reduce global carbon emissions. But the Wicked Child doesn’t think the issues caused by climate change apply to them. They believe climate change will only affect the poor and the vulnerable in places they will never visit. They remain unconcerned.
The Simple Child: The Simple Child is overwhelmed by the idea that humankind could be radically altering the entire face of the earth. They don’t believe it’s possible that scientific predictions are accurate. This child simply ignores the evidence that the problem is real at all.
The One Who Does Not Know How to Ask: This child is much more like The Wise Child than we may typically imagine. The One Who Does Not Know How to Ask has also read about climate change and knows that environmental degradation and the effects on the global population are a real and present threat. Unlike The Wise Child and much more like the Simple Child, this child is overwhelmed. How is this possible? This child might ask, How can I, alone, prevent this global catastrophe?
If Global warming isn’t your fashion statement in social signaling, you can also have Haggadahs centered on Conflict Minerals, LGBTQ (make sure you read the new prayer, “We’re Rainbow Folk” and have that orange out), Unions, Gaza (what’s the blessing for suicide bombers?), socially responsible chocolate (I am not kidding), Black Lives Matter (we sort of glide past the grift and antisemitism)… basically, anything on the Progressive menu. There’s even a rewriting of the Ten Plagues, because death of the firstborn is so retro. The traditional “L’shana ha-ba’ah b’Yerushalayim” (“Next year in Jerusalem”) is uncomfortably colonialist Zionist, so has either been excised or edited to “Next year in Free Palestine with Jerusalem as its capital.” Fuck the actual meaning of the holiday, we have to show solidarity, resist, make our voices heard, and no better way to do this than by refocusing Pesach on our own moral preening.
OK, so for those of us who think that 2500 years of tradition outweigh shallow views of contemporary politics, what do we need to do here? My personal opinion is to troll troll troll. Wear a MAGA yarmulke. Bring along a BLT, toss it on the Seder plate, and point out that it’s just as traditional as the Fair Trade coffee beans. Blow out all the candles, pointing out that they’re contributing CO2 to global warming. Grab Maryam’s cup, lament that they didn’t fill it to only 70% of Elijah’s, chug it, and yell, “OK, grab her pussy!” Ask loudly, “How do you get a Jewish girl’s number” and when you get blank looks, roll up your sleeve and point to your arm.
Your problem of what to do for next year’s Progressive Seder will solve itself.
Who brings the good coke (by which I mean, the coke made with beet sugar of course)?
The Coke dealer. Sheesh.
An Idaho Jew.
I saw what you did there.
Yeah, you da hoe.
I thought the solution in these cases was to grease the palm of your rabbi he finds a clever solution for you. For example, the concept of a shabbos goy is a work of genius.
This includes the kids, and until you’ve seen a shit-faced 8-year-old grab his Aunt Minnie’s tits and yell, “HONK! HONK!” you haven’t really experienced Pesach.
Sounds…. autobiographical.
Ask loudly, “How do you get a Jewish girl’s number” and when you get blank looks, roll up your sleeve and point to your arm.
Huh.
I usually just ask her for her number. I leave the edgy role play for later.
I was really hoping the Son’s questions would be about standing on one’s head, being fat, and eel balancing.
So I get why my (((company))) gave us the first two and last two days off but why not the middle days – I guess things slow down in the middle so we have to work next Monday and Tuesday?
What are we discussing? Seder vacation?
Yes. The owners are very observant. We get strings of days off for some of the high holidays. Often Sukkot but this year it seems to be Passover.
“ Ransom of the Afikomen”
In my current state I read that as “Ransom of Afroman” and I was intrigued.
I mean, who would kidnap Afroman? And what would the ransom be? One of his bright green custom cars?
Rummaging through my closet, I found an AR I forgot I had. 🤣😂
::Points to Sean’s avatar::
The river taketh, and the river giveth. Or something like that.
Luuuuuuuuudes…..
Fucking beady eyed floppy headed hosers deserve this.
Agreed.
lol That is not why they were pulled from shelves.
Where is everyone? Is it a sportsball night or something?
recovering from the SF double shot today
The Masked Singer is on.
I was watching Giant Ape X Mecha Ape: New World Order myself so I suppose I am equally guilty. And I drank a lot.
Fair enough but there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make me watch The Masked Singer.
I’m putting lights on my new to me forklift.
Fantastic!
Earlier I cleaned the workroom while another person installed a new tree in the front yard. That was the limits of my manual labor today.
I inherited several boxes of assorted photo picture frames from a good friend and classmate (Class of ’55). I’ve been pulling the old pictures out and getting the frames ready for reuse, by someone. A lot of the pictures were those I had printed.
My friend lives in assisted living but I’m afraid his tenancy future is going to be short lived. He helped me a lot, fixing things, did a lot of work when I was building a garage.
In school he was a townie, I was a bumpkin but we became good friends in retirement. From a humble beginning he rose to a serious management position, had no kids, invested well.
I was at a reconstruction of a passover seder my church put on. Only with 100% less drunk handsy 8 year olds, and 100% more old people trying to pass walmart veggie trays off as jewish.
I got sloshed at a wedding when I was around eight. It was easy when the adults leave half-filled drinks everywhere. I don’t remember grabbing any boobs though, which would have been out of character for me even at that tender age.
Work. Conference calls with Asia that have become my new normal every night. I’m getting too old for this shit or is this shit getting old.
It has been Europe for me of late. At least they usually have the courtesy of scheduling the meetings during business hours.
Thanks for the History lesson, OM.
There are things I don’t know and things I wish I didn’t know.
Reading along, I was already pissed the Wokists were changing the tradition to ‘suit’ them. Then: “The Four Sons has transmuted to “The Four Kinds of Children.”
For. Fuck’s. Sake. They are never satisfied because they always have to ‘do’ something. Every person, each snowflake, has to be special and add something that wasn’t there before. Cuz addition is better. (See also: Cars, speed, money. Bigger numbers = Better! Yeeeee!)
If they didn’t have something to change, they will and do invent it. (Jobs created!) I think it’s largely cuz they aren’t really creative but they think they are. (And the cause is never the cause. The cause is revolution. sigh)
*** Thanks for this fun one. Other than the words and basic (but incorrect) history, this is new to me. I s’pose I can say that about most religions.
The final straw for me was in the early days* of the tranny ascension to the highest level of the victim stack when the NYC Subway announcers replaced “Ladies and gentlemen, …” with “Hello everyone, …”.
*2017. I will spare the reader from every single reference to this event I just found which assures the reader how inclusive and human this change was. *puke*
MAGA yarmulke: Hilarious, doubly dangerous.
Chag Pesach Sameach, (((Glibs)))!
Part of the Seder ritual is the consumption of at least four glasses of wine per person, not including what you slurp down during dinner.
Unmentioned:
Most “kosher for Passover” wine is fucking terrible.
Tonight’s brisket pairing was a pleasant “not bad” exception:
https://www.totalwine.com/wine/red-wine/malbec/alavida-usda-organic-certified-kosher-malbec/p/2126215067
Since my wife’s grandfather passed, we’ve switched to the “30 Minute Seder” Haggadah. And tonight my MIL just said “fuck it” since it was just the 3 of us, so just lighting of candles and a quick prayer.
We’ll do an actual Seder tomorrow, when we have company.
Is it cheap?
One of mom’s long-term boyfriends – late 70s or so – had Manischewitz at the table with every spaghetti dinner. He was goombah and a cheap bastard. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Even the more expensive options aren’t necessarily good; that $18 Malbec was pretty OK.
Manischewitz is disgusting grape juice and he should have been ashamed of himself for drinking that.
Listening to birthright citizenship oral argument….
I’m gonna guess there’s no way they get rid of it. If they do strike it, it’ll be 5-4. Gorsuch doesn’t seem like he’s amenable.
Doing the right thing here would be even more controversial than overturning Roe v Wade was because it has a direct impact on deep state power plays.
So yeah, there is no way they will do the right thing here.
I thought that stuff tasted funny last time I had some.
https://www.phillyvoice.com/hershey-reeses-ingredients-peanut-butter-cups-kitkat-chocolate/
Justin’s or TJ’s. Dark chocolate options from both.
Glad I finally submitted my new piece about lottery at the gas station and how I was taken for a $30 dollar ride cuz of it.
Birthday dinner for the 11yo went very well, and the 5yo’s reaction to the hibachi grill’s flames was worth everything. (The steak was fantastic. Vegetables, fried rice soup and salad? Uh. Not so much. But *mwah*