Previously on Evan’s Magical Mystery Vocational Tour:
Where’s Walgo?
Lotteria’s Express Victim
The Meijer Express gas station closed for a remodel. Being the accommodating folk they are, it was easy to shift into Meijer’s Pickup Dept, where I’d be doing the same work I did at Walmart last year, “picking” groceries for online orders, staging them in our bay, and dispensing them to shoppers waiting in their car.
My full-time contract, remotely scoring standardized test essays, began April 20, but I slipped in weekend shifts to stay within Meijer’s system as I finish this six-or-so week project. It’s the first time I’ve had a backup plan already in place, so when I’m finished ‘grading’ Litho# 991700462274 and my part of the 78,000 others, I’ll gracefully float back into P̵i̵c̵k̵u̵p̵, and I won’t have to restart the search for make-do work as I look for something more meaningful.
(Edit: This was the plan. The plan has been altered. (Oddly, in my favor. Thanks, Darth.))
(This nylon parachute greatly pleases me. Tales from the litho codes to come.)
After a few shifts at my new post, I’ve learned it’s a chill rendition of the original. Imagine an upbeat but understated, jazzy funk cover of “Tainted Love.” Compared to Walmart, the work mostly rhymes, but the twists all seem to land in The Happy Evan Box.
(THE Box. Ha! *swish*)
The linchpin of all the differences: Meijer has far fewer orders to handle. The Walmart in Fishers, IN is one of the busiest and most profitable locations in the nation, I was told, and we had around a thousand orders to handle each day. This Meijer in Carmel handles maybe a hundred or so. On my last shift in Pickup, we only had 64 to take care of, and orders had to be received by 4pm.
Beyond this, and to my complete surprise, I’m not picking at all at Meijer. Apparently, we’ll occasionally get called to pinch-pick in case of a crunch, but that’s handled by a different department. Meijer’s pickers collect goods and deliver them to us in our back bay, where me and my coworkers are then responsible for staging each order’s totes in an appropriate holding location, and later dispensing them out to each customer curbside.
Let’s say Jeremy McWhose has placed a pickup order online.
Pickers park their carts in our bay, each laden with up to six totes. (I’ve rarely had chance to talk to these folk. Such strange, in-and-out creatures, they are.) I scan Jeremy’s tote with a Zebra handheld to connect it with our system, which tells me if he’s already got other totes staged somewhere. Then, I find a place to put it, preferably next to any of McWhose’s others, scanning its destination to give that part of a customer’s order an official location.
Most groceries are staged in the ambient zone, and while I was used to a long corridor with enough space for around 60 wheeled pallets, here, there are only seven large shelving racks in a U to place totes. At the end of that trek, Walmart had a big walk-in freezer and a bigger walk-in fridge to store orders in, but Meijer only has three freezers and four (in-use) fridges. They face each other across the short pathway to the exit, all within 50 feet in the same bay.
We use L-carts to pull three totes at a time, and I’ve only once had to stack a tote onto another. At Walmart, we had a pulley-thingy we’d attach to a wheeled pallet, each holding up to ten totes. (Sometimes we’d need two pulley-thingies to take big orders out!)
Never mind I don’t roam the aisles for ~11 miles per shift like I used to, here’s the biggest difference between this work versus ‘the same’ at Walmart: At Meijer, we only deliver to customers. There is no crypto system of contracted drivers like in the old days, where I had to verify a code with each driver for up to three orders, scanning all totes and confirming their location in either the trunk, passenger or back seats before the driver took off for delivery.
These contractors accounted for ~75% of my tote-laden trips curbside with Walmart.
(A person actually picking up their own groceries?! Psh. How pedestrian.)
Once orders staged, our small team, usually only two of us, awaits orders from MeiGo, what I’ll call the Meijer algorithm that dictates work through our handhelds. With plenty of warning, my handheld will beep and inform me “Jeremy McWhose is En Route,” along with letting me know when he arrives and what parking spot he’s in. It already told me where his totes are staged, and we perhaps gathered the ambient totes in advance. If I’m ‘in rotation’ when Jeremy arrives, I’ll round up any chilled or frozen additions and head out to meet Mr. McWhose in his space.
(Pro tip: Don’t forget the yellow key card. You’ll need it to let yourself out and to get back in the bay.)
Usually the trunk is already open, and I simply confirm it’s for Jeremy. No additional scanning of totes, I just plop the groceries in and we’re all finished with a goodbye.
My next shift was two weeks later, and I kinda forgot I was merely on loan from Meijer Express. I suppose since I wasn’t ‘proficient’ enough at Pickup, I was given other duties during this short stint on the inside. That day happened to be the most glorious day of labor in my life. Not the most rewarding, in any sense of the word, but a wonderful, soothing example of ‘Here’s task. Perform task.’
(With a healthy dash of ‘I have no real responsibilities, here.’ (Not just a dash. Add Donner and Blitzen, the whole lot.))
My ‘manager’ took me to several full shopping carts in the loading bay, all with stuff customers decided they didn’t want. My job was simply to return them to their proper spots on the shelves. Cart in tow, I scan each item with my handheld and MeiGo tells me where it goes. Without any supervisor, deadline or goal, I got to simply walk around the store and put things back where they belonged.
All day I did this. There isn’t clear signage for where different departments are, but I was able to use my Walmartian intuition to suss out where sections K, J, D, E and B were. (Eventually. Kinda.) The things I’ve learned do come in handy, in their own way, don’t they? Once you’ve found the aisle and rough location, often, there’s an obvious vacancy to show you where the product once was!
My next shift, the following Saturday, started with a shot of bliss, later tamed with a chaser of Reality, reminding me why this was (very likely) my last shift inside the main Meijer.
Although I was first set up as a bagger, helping out whichever cashier needed it most, my then-boss soon pulled me aside. “I have a project for you!” She walked me to the back bay, where a shrink-wrapped pallet of boxes of Meijer grocery bags awaited me. With a fresh(!) box cutter, I was told to stack the boxes on two L-carts after I cut the lid flaps off each one.
By myself, again without a supervisor, deadline or goal, I just had to get it done. Regardless of how much I earn, getting paid to do this little is rather splendid. (Cherish those fickle, fleeting moments.) My haphazard box surgery clinic lasted a few hours, then I pulled the ear-less containers to their new home.
This earned me a high five from my manager! However, I was then returned to bagging duty. (Damn.) And that’s where Team Member Evan was staged for the remainder of his shift. (THE Box lightened.)
Shockingly (to me), all this revealed how much I actually prefer the gas station over the random game of Shuffle-Ev when I’m in Gen Pop Meijer. Regardless, I still have a couple thousand 8th grade essays to get through before I begin to think of my next occupational foray.
The Missouri middle schoolers had to add the next chapter to a narrative about Ethan and Mason’s chance to perform the Jets’ school spirit song before a basketball game. When I’m finished scoring their attempts, failing extraordinary change, I’ll again tread water behind register #137, this time eager to join the gas station’s spirit of isolated frontiersmanship. Despite that damn LottoTron, THE Box will soon be filled again by Express patrons. (Hrm. I may wanna rephrase that. Thoughts, Darth?)
Edit E̶l̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ II: The Plan has been further altered. THE Box will not be filled by Express patrons, for Evan has been transferred to Pickup, my Express boss told me. THE Box is confused. (But if truly delegated to Pickup, will be satisfied.)
Edit XII: I’m now scheduled to move into “Receiving” at Meijer, possibly unloading trucks in the back bay! This may not be a good idea with my titanium hips. Despite my power lifting youth and overall good build, I probably shouldn’t be doing that on the clock in my make-do work. I’ll hopefully scope out the online ‘training’ today/ tomorrow, but I’m on the schedule for this Thursday and the one after. I’ll see how /if that *physically* works out for me, but it’s another day in the hopper I’m bouncing ’round in.
Today’s my final (full) day of my standardized test scoring, which I also plan on detailing. Curious world in Ev Land, and I hope y’all enjoy!
My ‘manager’ took me to several full shopping carts in the loading bay, all with stuff customers decided they didn’t want. My job was simply to return them to their proper spots on the shelves.
I worked in grocery store for several years. “De-shopping” was the worst thing. A cart full of random stuff that goes all over the store. I imagine in this brave new world that the scanner will organize and point you where it goes.
In the dark ages you’d get something (with a price tag no less) in General Merchandise which could literally be hung up in any aisle. Like the random potato masher that may hang in the gravy aisle or over in Produce with the potatoes.
It was the job that every newbie got. “You’ll learn the store!” Right…
I ran the shoe department at a Marshall’s. It was stunning how many shoes were just singles, with no mates.
Do half returns get half money?
No, but oddly you would never find the other shoe. So somebody stole two unrelated shoes. All the time. Or there was a dimensional anomaly at the back of Marshall’s that feasted on single shoes. Or perhaps a shoplifting lady pirate with a peg leg. Because it was always women’s shoes.
Because men are practical and get something that fits and is comfortable.
/ducking
The scanner told me *exactly* where each thing should go. But no one really told me where the lettered departments were, and they certainly didn’t explain how the numbering of aisles and sections worked. It was kinda the opposite of Walmart, but aisles and numbers kept going, with no ‘obvious’ sense of continuity.
The glory of being supervisor-less was fucking glorious. I’ll give Meijer this, they simply made work for me when I was semi force-shifted into the main store. Better than ‘firing’ me or just making me wait a few weeks for things to sort out.
From my three months in their system, they’re much more chill than Walmart. It’s a ‘busy’ store, but simply not on the same scale as my old haunt in Noblesville.
I remember loving that task because it took me away from the customers (my usual job was at the register).
When I was doing merchandising, you could scan anything in the store in the Walmart Volt app and it would show you the aisle, modular #, row, and UPC. Just match up the tags.
From the ded-thred MW sed: I’ve never understood the idea that poverty in itself is seen as a virtue.
The Catholic church waves hello, wonders how you might not be acquainted with the vows of poverty taken by the holy orders for oh, 2000 years or so.
That was by no means limited to the clergy either. Read St. Basil the
CommunistGreat’s famous homily, or John Chrysostom’s, or Saint Ambrose of Milan some time. Marx was more tenderhearted toward the rich. A sampling:It took until the late middle ages when the church became a de facto governing institution sitting on a mountain of assets and noticed the benefits of interest lending (which had been completely prohibited as usury previously) before the idea that you could possess wealth and be a Christian simultaneously took hold. We’ve successfully retconned it in modern Western Christianity so that it’s merely greed for possessions that’s immoral, but that was absolutely not the understanding for at minimum the first 5 centuries of Christian history. The moral of the encounter with the rich young ruler, as well as the woes in the beatitudes wasn’t “love God more than money” – it actually means what it says on the page.
“Many but not all” holy orders.
/just kidding
Well, once you make the maneuver that the order itself can have as much property as it wants, including poshy residence facilities (with a great meal plan) for its members, as long as they don’t personally own any of it, then the whole “vow of poverty” thing gets a lot less onerous.
+1 Country Club membership for one of the local priests of our church growing up. Also when I learned priests swear just like the other golfers.
This was fun. We use the pickup at our local Meijer. From Kevin McWhose’s point of view, I just pull into a spot, text that spot number to my wife at home (she has the app, I already have plenty of apps on my phone), and wait about 5 minutes for our version of Evan to show up. Judging by the traffic there are <100 orders per day at ours as well.
I didn’t even know this was a thing. I see lots of “shoppers” at the local Wegmans but if someone is carrying any of it out to someone’s car they must be parked somewhere out of the way because I haven’t seen it.
But me, I want to be in the store picking my own stuff. Yeah I usually walk out with more stuff than I wanted but whatever.
How are you supposed to find new, exciting products without impulse buying?
I couldn’t imagine ordering meat or produce that way. I guess I’m pickier than some as that goes.
Yeah. In person.
How else am I to find random mark down lego sets?
stuff customers decided they didn’t want.
I have abandoned more than a few shopping carts after getting to the front of the store and seeing how long the checkout lines were.
I think I read somewhere that Walmart tracks this as an efficiency indicator.
Bit I didn’t add, but would if I expanded it: The biggest overall difference between work at Meijer and Walmart? Outside the work I’ve done? = The employees. I have not run into anyone who can’t speak English. I don’t believe I’ve seen a Hispanic employee, though I’m positive they would be able to speak English wherever they are.
Walmart had teams of African-Africans in the back, and I’m very uncertain if they could speak English (or Spanish) at all. Our dept didn’t interact with them and my immediate bosses didn’t know what the AAs were up to. There’s none of that ‘2nd class’ at Meijer.
The process on this and at Walmart is interesting.
BP has had five CEOs since 2020
BP ousts Chair Albert Manifold citing governance and conduct issues
https://www.reuters.com/business/energy/bp-removes-chairman-albert-manifold-2026-05-26/
“Beyond Petroleum” and corporate governance as well it would seem. How is that green dream working out?
“Pattern of unacceptable behavior”
Wouldn’t we all like to know.
Likewise for “gross misconduct”: https://www.bbc.com/sport/football/articles/c3v27z1dk9vo
I had that same thought when I was doing merchandising at our local Walmart. And being an outside vendor, it was all unsupervised – clock in to your service order, read the instructions, make sure you don’t go over the allotted time. When I quit, it was the right time to do so, but I desperately needed that mindless busywork for a while, for the sake of my sanity. Sometimes I miss the feeling of actually have gotten something done. At my other job it’s also mindless busywork, but at the end of the day all I have to show for it is another day’s data in the correct spreadsheets and documents. Good luck with your next occupational foray – I’ll be contemplating mine as well.
right now, I am color coding lines in an excel spreadsheet.
We’re moving from Google to Microsoft/Sharepoint presently, so migrating all our spreadsheets and trackers. Most of them have gone without a hitch, but some of the conditional formatting broke, so we’ve been patching that up as its discovered.
How is that green dream working out?
Apparently, imperious bullying is not esg-compliant.
Big Thought came recently: On April 28, I turned 39 and I have a Big Project in mind to finish before I’m 40. This is part of it! (In short, serial fashion.) Half memoir in case I suddenly expire, and half project that may have legs. (Dream, dream.)
I’m gonna start with a Hook, which will be my next entry here, if my test scoring doesn’t come first. That’s gonna be med pics showing how I’m (literally) held together. The Three Acts will start with setting my character and setting, with exploration and my 12 years abroad. The meat of it will be my journey through re-entry into and through this world post-Incident on Sept. 22, 2019. The medical struggles will be illuminating, detailing that transition. (That I kinda want to focus on, cuz as Derp mentioned a while ago (at least to me), it’s got an appeal that I absolutely think is sell-able. It’s a helluva Conflict to draw and work from. Medical folk should study me for my Wolverine qualities.)
Act III is going to include my work as a brain-damaged Knight in King A̵r̵t̵h̵u̵r̵’̵s̵ America’s Court. I’m still in that process and will write about the standardized scoring I’m doing now. I think that’ll be much fun.
As for its ending, well. I don’t have one cuz its ongoing nature is rather essential. Honestly? I think that’s gonna be written into it. Going into the continuous and how *that* is how I’m trying to branch out to find something meaningful for myself along the way.
I try to keep the stories here around 1200 words or so, and I’ll likely expand them for future use. Getting that Hook entry out to you guys will be quite eye-opening for y’all, methinks. (You’ve only seen the ‘polite’ pics.)
But I need to bounce back from my last break on my last (full) day! A bit of morning work, tomorrow, but let’s-a-go!
You wouldn’t want to have some small fraction of a percent be usable, right?
According to the devices’ manufacturers, the systems at big retail chains that process everything from cash to cardless transactions were never designed to calculate a tax rate of zero and so they require a major overhaul that could take up to a year.
That’s some quality Y2K level coding there.
Sanae Takaichi pledged to suspend an 8% levy on food sales, but retailers say their systems aren’t designed for a tax of zero per cent
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/may/26/japan-pm-sanae-takaichi-pledged-sales-tax-cut-systems-arent-designed
Also 8% – ouch! Given average wages there that’s awful.
You can just program it to charge .00001% or something and always round down.
Takes too much memory!
/sarc
The Guardian must be tickled pink that a tax can’t be cut.
Driver aids
Hyundai is recalling more than 421,000 vehicles after discovering a software issue that could trigger sudden and unexpected braking while drivers are on the road.
According to the recall, the problem affects certain 2025 and 2026 Hyundai Tucson SUVs along with Santa Cruz pickup models equipped with the company’s Forward Collision Avoidance system. Hyundai says a fault involving the front camera software could cause the vehicles to apply the brakes unexpectedly, increasing the risk of a crash.
And honestly, this is exactly the kind of issue drivers hate hearing about in modern vehicles.
Randomly stabbing the brakes will help you and the drivers around you maintain focus.
fuck software defined vehicles
With a rusty spike. I dread replacing my Hyundai when the time comes.
We just need some more regs lifted. Some automakers are already planning cars by 2030 which will have minimal electronics.
a software issue that could trigger sudden and unexpected braking while drivers are on the road
The whole module is a software issue.
Evan, I was recently in the just remodeled Walmart. I could have used you and your expertise to re-locate the missing items on my list. The new remodel, I must say, has wider aisles in Groceries but paper goods had to be re-located.
They must have a smaller inventory variety or AI lets them stock smaller quantities and use more JIT refills. I like the newer rendition better.
I was at my Walmart the other day and it was in the middle of a remodel.
People were wandering around aimlessly as there was no signage anywhere. Whee!
They moved a lot around at mine a year ago, and I’m still lost half the time.
“I could have used you and your expertise…”
*dusts collar* Good to be needed! (In the many odd ways I’m somewhat useful…)
If you use the Walmart app, on your phone or at home and just write it down, it *will* tell you what dept, aisle and section it’s in. If they’ve lost their signage, that’d be largely useless, I fear.
The main Meijer is also having a remodel, but mostly behind the scenes in the meat/seafood realm. *shrug*
In this latest update, the researchers abandoned a dire — and often criticized — high-emissions scenario known as RCP8.5 that has been prominently cited in thousands of climate studies over the past decade. The authors said the scenario was now “implausible” given recent energy trends.
That provoked online arguments among scientists. For years, critics of the high-emissions scenario had argued that it was always unrealistic, in part because it envisioned that countries would burn coal at absurdly high rates. They argued that any studies or news reports relying on that scenario exaggerated the risks of climate change. Why, those critics now asked, did the course correction take so long?
No. Way. How will they get funding?
Paywall:
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/05/26/climate/emissions-worst-case-scenario-rcp.html
the scenario was
now“implausible”That’s a funny way to spell “bullshit”.
Today is turning out to be a rough one. Despite what people tell you, being the only male in the house is not always a picnic. How did I do this for so many years?
Today in Garage Queen news
A nearly untouched 2004 Honda S2000 has surged to $70,000 on a live auction, and it’s forcing enthusiasts to confront an uncomfortable reality. Cars that were built to be driven hard are now being locked away, preserved, and flipped as high-dollar collectibles.
This one stands out for a simple reason. It has just 835 miles on the odometer. That is not low mileage. That is museum-level preservation for a car that was designed to live at redline.
These guys are late to the party. As the story goes, Enzo despised people who bought Ferraris and didn’t drive them.
I suppose this story is slightly different because an S2000 is (was) “cheap”.
And how do you fix all these cars when the electronics slowly die?
OT – What do Italy’s right-wing Transport Minister Matteo Salvini, former Ferrari boss Luca Cordero di Montezemolo and opposition lawmaker Carlo Calenda have in common?
They all hate the design of the new fully electric Ferrari “Luce” unveiled on Tuesday.
https://www.politico.eu/article/controversial-electric-ferrari-outrages-transport-minister-and-the-rest-of-italy/
It’s a Honda…
🙄
All these articles about the “collector car market” I have been seeing lately leads me to believe a spectacular implosion of the bubble is coming. Car after car rolling unsold across the stage At Mecum and Barret Jackson.
A lot of things that kids (people) collected years ago aren’t collected so much now. Match book covers, cigar bands, stamps, coins, even sports cards that came free in a pack of bubble gun. I collected (gathered) different caliber ammo brass as a teenager.
Times change…I think you’re right, Brooks
The coffee chain, which has been in South Korea since 1999, had planned to start selling a large tumbler it calls a “tank” May 18, declaring it “Tank Day.” May 18 is also the anniversary of a 1980 crackdown by South Korea’s former military dictatorship, in which hundreds of pro-democracy activists in the city of Gwangju were killed or injured by troops, tanks and helicopters.
Making matters worse, the campaign used the slogan “Thwack it on the table,” which for many recalled a 1987 claim by police that student activist Park Jong-chol, rather than being tortured to death, had died suddenly after investigators “hit the desk with a thwack.”
How could they not have put these two events seven years apart together?
Starbucks struggles to quell outrage over ‘Tank Day’ ad campaign that evoked massacre in South Korea
https://www.nbcnews.com/world/asia/starbucks-tank-day-ad-campaign-south-korea-backlash-rcna346856
Eh, fuck Starbucks.
It’s a Honda…
A front engine, manual transmission, rear wheel drive Honda.
That I’ve actually driven. A friend had one. The engine is glorious. It’s quick, but nothing compared to today’s cars.