HARVARD – “I never thought it would happen to me” said Joanna Gambolputty, Dean of Gender Studies at Harvard University. “My parents told me it’s time to get a real job and I already signed up to train as a diversity advisor. It’s not as prestigious, but I need to be practical.” Although the dean workforce has taken a hit, administrative staff have largely been spared the pinch. “The enrollment slump has forced our hand financially” said Colin Kantser, Harvard’s CFO. “It turns out that deans mainly go to lunch with other deans and wealthy donors. All that’s gone up in smoke since social-distancing started.”

Meanwhile, Harvard’s outreach department has struggled to convince prospective students that it is worth it to spend $200,000 for four years of Zoom classes. “We’ve offered students the chance to send life-size cardboard cut-outs of themselves to campus instead. The cut-outs have smart phones attached to the face and they are wheeled about by rejected Harvard applicants in exchange for 5 credit hours per semester and a budget meal plan” added Kantser.

Elsewhere, Ivy League fraternities have been adjusting to the new normal. “There’s no sugar-coating it: our ceremonies are a lot more impressive in person” said a Skull and Bones member who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, how can we pretend to be a super cool secret society when any moderately clever yahoo from 4chan can Zoom bomb us?” The member added that the Skull and Bones has recently added Captcha and two-factor verification to keep out would-be interlopers.

In contrast, host of Dirty Jobs Mike Rowe repeated his call to consider skilled trades rather than college. “The average US welder is 50 years old. There is an enormous demand for these and other truly essential workers. There is no modern society without electricians, plumbers, mechanics, carpenters, HVAC, and other tradesmen. Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, and it is a great tragedy for so many young people to waste years and rack up tons of debt for worthless degrees” said Rowe as he used a backhoe to dig up a malfunctioning septic tank.

“A wise man once said that opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. It’s true. A lot of the really useful work is boring and dirty, but someone’s got to do it.” Rowe then inadvertently ripped the septic tank out of the ground and sprayed the camera crew and himself with raw sewage.