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Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

The Call of Patchouli

May 11, 2026 |

Freak Street in Kathmandu is a hell of a place. If you're a hippie, that is. Marijuana is the #1 cash crop here, and the flocks of hippies passing through here on their way to or back from an ashram in India end up smoking most of it. Given its status as a Mecca of...

Lady Gaga Returns to Her Home Planet

Mar 11, 2025 |

In a beet field on the outskirts of Freehold, Iowa, thousands of well-wishers have gathered to bid farewell to extraterrestrial singing sensation Lady Gaga, who will soon be boarding a starship bound for a system near the star Arcturus. Since arriving on Earth in...

Outlaw of the Jungle

Mar 10, 2025 |

In a distant land, there were never any people, and so the animals developed differently. The country, called the Animal Kingdom, was divided into two nations: the Carnivore Dictatorship and the Herbivore Republic. Each side chose leaders once a year. The carnivores...

Homeless, Senile Man Mistaken for Senator

Mar 4, 2025 |

WASHINGTON DC - A shabby, disheveled vagrant was escorted from a closed door-intelligence briefing at the Capitol today after a thorough examination, whereupon it was concluded that the stranger was not a senator. "I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. We've become...

Genie Tonic

Feb 17, 2025 |

The state fair had come once more to the dusty fairgrounds of a podunk town. Crowds of curious rubes and yokels from miles around came for the circus and other festivities. As exciting as seeing an elephant was for people, who in most cases were people who'd never...

Americans Unsure If CEO Murder Bad

Jan 23, 2025 |

NEW YORK - "I've never any seen anything quite like it, not even during the height of Laurel/Yanny controversy" said Joanna Gambolputty, a public opinion analyst at the Hogwash Institute for Humbug Research. "The very same people quick to condemn not just the use but...