Hunter comes running into the studio wearing a casual suit, a little vomit on his lapel. The APPLAUSE sign lights up. He waves to the studio audience to quiet them.

“We got a great show for you tonight, folks. My dad’s dog is dead and we’re going to make some jokes about it.” He pauses for the LAUGH sign to go off.

“Dad,” Finnegan says disapprovingly. Chuckles bubble up from the studio audience.

“Every day you become a little more like your bitch mother,” Hunter says, flashing his decaying teeth, a cocaine twinkle in his eye. The LAUGH sign flashes with incontinent urgency. “Grampy Joe won’t even know his bite hound is gone.”

“That’s Major!” Finnegan says. “Champ died. And he was a good boy.”

The audience goes “Aww.”

“Both those mutts hated me,” Hunter says brightly. “All their dogs have hated me. Back when I was fucking your aunt, Mom sicced her dogs on me!”

The LAUGH sign lights up so brightly many of the audience members shield their eyes.

“Oh, fuck,” Finnegan says. “Why did I agree to do this?”

“Oh, I know this!” Hutner says excitedly. “Because family is a word you use to get your way!”


Finnegan turns from the audience and looks off-stage.

“You stay right fucking there. You wanted to be in the family business. This is part of the family business,” Hunter says viciously.

Finnegan turns back, tears starting to fall from her eyes. The LAUGH sign is flashing. The audience complies.

“Dr. Grandma just asked me to help Grandpa. You know he’s not well.”

Hunter mugs to the audience and does a little softshoe. “I had to work for the family and you have to as well,” he says. “At least until you wise up.”

Hunter turns back to the audience and gives them a crooked grin. They laugh and laugh and then applaud.

“So,” Hunter says, “Back when I was fucking your aunt–you, know, the recently widowed one married to my fucking war-hero brother–I would rub a little cocaine on her asshole, just to numb it up a bit before I fucked her.”

“Jesus, stop this,” Finnegan blubbers.

“But when I fucked her sister,” Hunter continues, walking toward his daughter, “She didn’t want the cocaine on her asshole. She just snorted it right off my cock.”

At “COCK!” being yelled in her face, Finnegan runs off stage wailing.


“I’ll get Maisy to do the next show,” Hunter calls after her. “The slow one still does what I say!” Finnegan screams.


“Anyway,” Hunter says, turning back to the audience, “We’ve got a great show tonight. Tucker Carlson’s body double is here! As well as Jon Brennan from the 2nd season of The Real World! And our musical guest, Some Dumb Cunt I’m Trying To Fuck, so STICK AROUND!