THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TELL ALEX JONES.

…BUT DO TELL STEVE BANNON.

September 27, 2021.  0338 PDT, Menlo Park, CA

”I need your name for the record.”  Special Agent Jackson said flatly.

Francis Haugen”

”Please speak up, we are recording, dear.”

”Francis Haugen”.  The whistleblower said loudly.

”What was your role with Facebook?”

“I was a project manager with Facebook’s Civic Misinformation Team.”

”What role did Facebook play in your experience?”

”None that I am aware.”  Haugen replied after a brief pause.

“Please describe what happened on October 1, 2020.”  Jackson asked, flatly.

”I was like, at work and I went to the computerized punch machine, and like clocked out.  Then I walked down a like long, dark corridor that like leads to parking lot where Facebook employees park their company cars.  Nissan Versas because they’re like, good for the environment, you know and Facebook, like totally cares about that.”

”Good, continue.  Try not to make so many sudden movements.  It may trigger the sensors and give us a false positive.”

”Okay so then I like, ran into Hunter Biden.”

”Are you sure it was Hunter Biden?”

”Yes.  I like, became accustomed to like seeing him naked while we were deleting like, everything about him off of Facebook.”

”Good.  Continue.”

”Then he….”

”Its okay.  You’re safe here.”

”…He like touched my belly button.”

”Jackson.  I’ve heard enough.”  An agent in the other room said over the PA system in the interrogation chamber.  “Hold fast, I’m on my way over.”

THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TELL ALEX JONES.

…BUT DO TELL STEVE BANNON.

The other agent waddled into the interrogation chamber.  He was short, fat wearing a cheap plaid suit.  He removed the jacket and set it upon the chair across the table from Francis.  She winced at the yellowed pit stains on his shirt that ran underneath his rib cage, revealing the shape and texture of his man bosoms.  He lit a cigarette.

”Now Francine.”

”Francis.”

”Francine. What you experienced, didn’t really happen.”

”You can’t like, deny my experience.  Hunter Biden like touched my belly button and like totally assault—“

”You were certainly assaulted, but that was SPACE SMITH.”

”No, it was Hunter Biden.  I like know that meth mouth when I see it.”

”Yeah.”  He looked at Jackson. “We will need to work on her story.”  Jackson nodded.

”Work on my story?” She turned to Jackson.  “I’m like totally going to the press with this.”  She turned back to the other agent and saw he was gone from the chair.

“Normally we have more time for enhanced interrogation.”  The agent said behind her.  She could smell unfiltered camels, iodine, Paul Newman’s Chipotle Ranch dressing, and burned dog shit.  “You know, sleep deprivation, waterboarding, clothesline clips on the earlobes, that sort of thing.”  She felt the handcuffs tighten and saw she had her hands bound behind the chair.  “Sorry, you look like you’re into kink, so we’ll have to go with this.”

”What are you doing?”  She asked.

”Nothing.”  Both agents donned foam earplugs.  “Just tell us what happened.”

”Hunter Biden touched my belly button!”

He looked at Jackson.  “Hit it.”

The terrifying sound played over the PA system in the interrogation chamber.   She looked at both agents, confused.

”Hmm.  Tell us what happened.”

“Hunter Biden touched my belly button!”

He looked at Jackson.  “Try track two.”

Francis shuddered this time.

“Tell us what happened, Francine.”

”Hunter Biden—“  The agent played it again.

”What happened Francine?” The agent asked.

”Belly button!”  He played it again.

“Are you sure Francine?”  He asked again.

She looked awkwardly at both agents.

“Just keep playing it on a loop.  Lets get a drink.”

“No!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”  Her bloody curdled scream echoed within the the interrogation chamber as the nightmarish sounds of Francis’ personal Hell echoed within the dense, foam, soundproof walls.

THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TELL ALEX JONES.

…BUT DO TELL STEVE BANNON.

 

One week later…

iT waS LikE tOtaLlY FeaCbOok.