“Merry Groundhog Day!” Joe shouted as he crawled from his isolation chamber. He had been saying this every morning for the last 10 days.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Joe Biden thinks today is Groundhog Day

Today is Groundhog Day. Joe Biden thinking any other day is Groundhog Day is irrelevant to whether he knows that it is Groundhog Day today.

Status: True


 

“Yes, today is Groundhog Day,” Finnegan said, reading off the teleprompter screen mounted behind Joe’s medical crib.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: It is somehow noteworthy that Joe Biden’s aides and family caretakers read off a teleprompter screen to interact with him.

Many prominent political families read off of teleprompter screens to each other on a regular basis. This prevents confusion and inquiries by the fake press.

Status: False


 

“It’s going to be a great day, isn’t it?” Joe asked Finnegan. She nodded and mumbled to herself as she changed the dressing on his wounds, massaged his lower stomach to stimulate a bowel movement, and began feeding him dozens of pills.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Finnegan Biden is Joe Biden’s nurse

Finnegan Biden is Joe Biden’s granddaughter.

Status: False


 

Joe said, “You are my favorite nurse,” and cupped her buttock to draw her in for a toothless kiss.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Finnegan Biden is Joe Biden’s granddaughter.

Finnegan clearly performs all of the functions of a nurse and, therefore, is Joe Biden’s nurse.

Status: False


 

Finnegan pushed away from him and straightened her clothes. “What do you want for breakfast?” she asked him.

“Do we have any camel milk left?” he asked, standing and farting and sitting back down.

“Camel milk?” Finnegan asked, her brow wrinkling.

“Brown stuff, it tastes funny? You know, you know…”

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Brown stuff tastes funny.

Not all brown stuff tastes funny.

Status: Mostly false


 

“I don’t know,” she replied.

“Tastes kinda bitter and boozey? Makes you sleepy? Bill used to get it from an Afghani guy? Starts with an L?”

“Laudanum?”

“Yeah, that’s it,” Joe said, his attempt to snap his fingers making a sound like a large beetle being crushed.

 


FACT CHECK

Claim: Joe Biden has laudanum for breakfast.

Joe Biden only occasionally has laudanum for breakfast.

Status: Mostly false