I hate it.  It drives like an early 1980s car.  Touch the accelerator and nothing happens.  Stomp on the accelerator and the engine will bitch about you waking it up and eventually apply some force to the wheels.  It has a 0-60 time of “don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”  It’s AWD and got stuck going up my driveway in 1.5″ of snow.

It was so bad I resorted to using my oracular powers to determine wtf the designers were thinking.  Here’s a transcript:

 

Lily stepped on it, and now the radio is locked on a Uruguayan shortwave station.

“Hans, ve vill put ze iDrive in ze MINI.”

“But Josef, ze Americans hated ze iDrive.”

“NIEN!  Those vere ze oldenfartzen BMW owners.  MINI owners are jungen und hipstich.  Plus ve vill make it like ze gamingmaus und add more buttons.”

“Should ve put a cover over it in case zere ist eine fluffyhund in ze car?”

“No responsible fluffyhund owner vould allow ze hund to roam unrestrained.”

Pushbutton start is old and boring. Toggle switch start is hip and cool.

 

“You do have eine point Hans.  Ve will add guards between svitches.  Can you imagine if someone vas deactivating ze childproof vindows und touched ze dome light control?  Plus, guards are tuff und chunky.  Ze Countryman is ze rugged MINI for ze outdoors!

“Should ve make ze guards out of potmetal, Josef?”

“It doesn’t need to be zat tuff.  Plastisch vill do.”

 

What do you mean Apple doesn’t make an oval iPhone?

 

“Don’t bother mit ze inztrument kluster, just drop in an iPhone.  Not too big of one, ve don’t vant to distract ze driver.  Re-skin the automobile controls app UI and it’ll be perfect.”

 

I don’t know why they put the forcefield controls next to the hazard lights.  I guess the passenger is supposed to be able to work them?

 

“Josef!  Ve saved so much money mit the iPhone trick, ve can really make the center display something special!”

“Vhat did you haff in mind Hans?”

“Blinkenlights!”

“Ja, ve need to make ze car do somethink ven the pedals are pushed.”

“Vhen ze engine goes vroom vroom ze right side vill light up!  Vhen the kar goes faster, the left side vill light up!”

“Vouldn’t zat mean they’d light up at ze same time?”

“Not as much as you might think.”