“It’s Pride Month!” Hunter sang as he sprang from behind a flag stand, aviators on, his rainbow jockstrap tight. An infinity scarf hung around his neck like an abused foreskin.

“Oh, fuck,” Finnegan said.

“PRIDE!” Hunter replied, thrusting his pelvis at her and making untz, untz, untz dance music noises around the government-issued crack pipe in his mouth.

“You are not gay, Dad!” Finnegan said. “Pride is not for you!”

“Pride is for everyone! Am I not dressed for Pride? I feel Pride,” he said, grabbing his crotch and going untz, untz, untz again.

“Get out of here!” Finnegan urgently whispered.

“No!” Hunter said, “I’m here to see BTS. I love K-Pop! I love fancy little Korean faggots!” He tittered and twirled around.

Finnegan heard screaming and fainting in the secretary pool.

“He’s coming!” she hissed at Hunter.

“Good! Dad’s always been proud of me,” Hunter said. “What do you think, dick in or dick out.”

“You will NOT expose your penis in the Oval Office!” Finnegan ordered. “Get under the desk! Get!”

She herded Hunter around the Resolute desk with little kicks of her kitten heels and pulled out the Presidential Waterproof Memory Foam Comfort and Rest Relaxer office chair and pointed at the footwell.

“You want me to get under the desk? Kinky.”

“Get under there! I can hear them coming.”

Hunter cocked his ear elaborately, as if listening for the boo-hoo-hooing of Whoville.

“It would be very bad for Grandpa if the press corps took a picture of you in here!”

“Alright, fine, we’ve got to keep the money train chugging along.

Hunter dropped to his knees and began crawling under his desk, a fresh bloom of chloracne across his asscheeks. He shuffled around and looked back out at her.

“I’m going to lick their little faggot shoes and there is nothing you can do about it!” he said, defiant.

“Fine, whatever.”

“You know why?” he asked.

“I don’t care.”

“Because I feel PRIDE!”

The Oval Office door opened and she jammed the chair back under the desk, muffling his faint cursing.

 

A press release later in the day stressed that Biden was not told that the gesture was Korean Sign Language for “two men scissoring.”