THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED,  REGARDLESS OF THE STANDING LEGAL PRECEDENT SET BY SCOTUS IN 1988 IN DEPARTMENT OF NAVY VS. EAGAN, YOU CAN’T JUST DISCLOSE THIS STUFF WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL.

C’MON MAN

Location:  Patrick SFB, FL

3 September 2022, 23:17 EST

 

Another fuel leak.  This has become ever more irksome.”  NASA Administrator Jim Eagle said.  While watching solemnly at the chia seeds in his Kombucha drink spin within the murky red, probiotic goo.

“It was destined per the prophesy.” The SLS consultant replied

”What do you mean?”

”Are you familiar with the term, planned obsolescence?”

”The idea the defects in the machinery are pre-planned with the intent of selling new machinery?”

“Precisely.”

“NASA built in planned obsolescence into the engines for the space shuttle program?”  Jim Eagle’s look of astonishment was almost priceless. “How could they be so absentminded?  This was the space shuttle.  The crown jewel of the empire!”

”Worker unions.  Aerospace worker unions with multiple defense contractors in league with the SEIU needed to make sure they would get contracts again and again and again…..”

”Who else was going to get those contracts?”

”Well, at the time McDonnel-Douglas, Northrop-Grumman, Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, et al were multiple companies, each with their own contract to build certain components of the space shuttle.  When NASA contracted with SLS under the umbrella of Northrup-Grumman, all of these small features were classified, and built in.  When we grafted on the reusable boosters left over from the space shuttle program we didn’t know where all of them were.  Sadly we have no choice but to keep trying until we find them all.”

”I knew I should’ve called Elon Musk.”

”As a matter of fact, we did call him for help.”

”Yeah, what did he say?”

”He said, ‘this is why I don’t work with Jews.’”

”That’s really not helpful.”

”That’s what we said.  He replied it wasn’t meant to be helpful.”

THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED,  REGARDLESS OF THE STANDING LEGAL PRECEDENT SET BY SCOTUS IN 1988 IN DEPARTMENT OF NAVY VS. EAGAN, YOU CAN’T JUST DISCLOSE THIS STUFF WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL.

C’MON MAN

“That’s a entertaining theory you have there.”

“Who said that?” Eagle asked.

”I said it.”  A bald, sweaty man emerged silently from within the shadowy corner of Jim Eagle’s office.  His pit stained, harris tweed coat displayed white salt rings from under his man breasts.  He reeked of yellow pack American Spirit, anise, and tangerine scream Mountain Dew.  “I’ll say it again.  That’s an entertaining theory. One only conjured up in the mind of a man trained only to find excuses to drain the public of its treasury just to launch a washing machine into space.”

“Good lord, not another one.  Jim Eagle lumbered over to the emergency eye wash station in his office, grabbed a small hammer hanging on a chain and broke a glass box marked BREAK IN THE EVENT OF FLORIDA MAN.  Revealing a 32oz canister of bear spray and doused the shadowy man in the corner.

”Goddamnit.” The man dropped his capsicum drenched cigarette in the floor and lit another. “You have no fucking clue who you are dealing with do you?”

“If you’re no Florida Man…” the SLS Consultant asked, noting the bear spray canister was marked CERTIFIED FDA FLORIDA MAN STRENGTH, “…then what the hell are you?”

”I’m a G-man.”  He pulled out a standard issue Sig P228 and shot the SLS Consultant.  “Now where were we?”  He said to Jim Eagle over the sound of a pistol holstered into the wet leather under his armpit.

”You shot a government contractor!”

”Relax its just a pussy 9mm.”

”He’s bleeding out on my Afghan rug.”

”There’s going to be a lot more where that came from if you douse me with another can of red hot spooge.”  He looked at the consultant, winced and said, “Okay, so sorrrrry. Maybe I hit an artery,”

”What do you want?”

”The agency I represent needs you to delay this launch as many times as required.”

”As required?”

”Your rocket was raped by SPACE SMITH, along with every other rocket in the SLS inventory.  This is much bigger and much more complex than just incompetent worker’s unions.”

”What is it?”

”What I am about to tell you was recovered from the blank classified folders recovered at Lar-a-Mago two weeks ago—“

”Its Mar-a-Lago”

”Don’t correct me.”  A sweaty palm struck Jim Eagle’s face.  “This information is so classified, it is hidden in a microscopic binary code within the inkblots of the pages outside the blank folders that inform the reader of the classification level.  So classified, the FBI thinks its blank!”

”That makes no sense.”

”When President Brandon gave his Soul of America speech last week, it contained trigger words, and gestures meant to initiate action by the SMITHS.”

”I liked the other conspiracy better.”

”President Brandon triggered a series of worldwide attacks by the SMITHS.  The first is the attack from SPACE SMITH, rendering NASA into this useless, rotting corpse of its former self.”

”I’m glad it isn’t my fault.”

“Next will be a triggering of the seas, some of which will raise to levels that are supposed to be low, and lower in places that are supposed to be high.”

”That’s not climate change?”

”Of course not, SPACE SMITH raped the sun.  The sun liked it so much the it too had an emission,”

”Ew.”

”Then final attack we are still looking for, but we’ll find it…

…soon.”

THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED,  REGARDLESS OF THE STANDING LEGAL PRECEDENT SET BY SCOTUS IN 1988 IN DEPARTMENT OF NAVY VS. EAGAN, YOU CAN’T JUST DISCLOSE THIS STUFF WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL.

C’MON MAN