The Idea

Like most of you, I’ve read all the GlibFit articles and have really profited from them (not financially, but still.)  But there’s one thing I’m thinking we’re missing; that would be an exercise machine dedicated to those folks who like hunting and fishing.

See, there’s a problem with most of the exercise equipment on the market today.  Sure, for the most part, it’s effective, but if getting in shape to wander the outdoors is your goal, these machines won’t really prepare you.

So, I’ve taken it on myself (in the interest of enacting your labor; you’re welcome) to design an exercise machine that will give you an equivalent challenge to one of the more physically demanding outdoors activities you’ll find, and an activity with which I have some considerable experience – hunting deer and elk in the mountains.

The Machine

This is what you’re getting ready for.

The basis of this machine will be an honest old treadmill, but there the similarity stops.  Remember, we’re going to want to simulate the actual conditions in the field.  So, we will add several attachments to the basic treadmill.

  1. The first item is an adaptation of something most treadmills already have, and that’s a device to change the incline of the machine. Only, this change will have to be more dramatic; the incline should change at random, from forty-five degrees in the positive (up) to forty-five degrees in the negative (down), the better to simulate the terrain.  Also, the treadmill should be programmed to suddenly flip you off, to simulate the falls one frequently is subject to in rough country.  Some of the tumbles I’ve taken allowed enough time to get most of the way through a Tom Clancy novel before impact, but unless we want to mount the machine on top of a medium-sized skyscraper, we’ll probably just have to settle for having it toss you on your face every now and then.
  2. Now, we’ll want to simulate the terrain. I’ve never walked on a smooth, non-slip surface anywhere in the mountains, so instead of a regular treadmill surface, the belt will have a varied surface, to simulate walking over rocks.  On random intervals, a device under the machine will spray the belt with ice, so that one step will result in (another) fall as your foot slips on the slick surface.  Two rotating drums on either side will occasionally whip you in the face with plastic devices simulating the branches of a spruce tree.  Every now and then the entire treadmill will drop you knee-deep into a big tank of ice water, to simulate crossing a mountain stream.
  3. Oh, and forget the comfortable, form-fitting workout clothing. You’ll want to dress as you would for November in the mountains.  On this machine, you will be surrounded by an enclosure, inside which the temperature will be approximately -10 degrees.  At random intervals a nozzle will blast you in the face with either icy water or snow.  Also at random intervals, snow will drop down the back of your neck from an elevated hopper.  The machine will come with special refrigerated boots, with ten-pound weights attached to simulate walking in boots caked with thick mud.
  4. Finally, when you step onto the treadmill, an arm will come down with padded metal loops that will lay on your shoulders, to simulate your pack. Another will rest on your firing-side shoulder, to simulate the weight of a slung rifle.  The pack portion will simulate a weight of about thirty pounds, the rifle portion, ten pounds.  But as you go through your workout, the weight will gradually increase to double the original figure.

The Benefits

Hunting in mountains in the late fall/early winter isn’t easy.  But the right preparation could make it go much more smoothly.

In the long-lost days of the Old West, would-be warriors in the Plains Indians tribes would drive skewers under their pectoral muscles and hang suspended by those skewers for a day and a night.  Following this ordeal, no hardship of fatigue, heat, cold, weather or any other extreme seemed quite so bad.  A machine built as described here won’t go to that extreme, but it will provide an experience that is a pretty good simulation of a day in the mountains during deer and elk season.

But it won’t really prepare you for what happens when conditions get bad.  Those times, on the other hand, will provide many opportunities to brag to your friends about how rough it was, assuming you survive.

??? – Profit!

Marketing a machine like this won’t be easy.  Too many people will realize that, to get a similar experience, all they need are some nearby mountains and a healthy dose of masochism.  And since elk hunters are one of the primary target markets, plenty of folks will already have those things close to hand.

But there are plenty of folks who live in urban environments and who would like to be prepared for a trip to the mountains.  It would be smart for urban and suburban gyms to get in on the ground floor here.

I thought about a training simulator for ice fishing, but then I realized that all one would need to do is to spend the day sitting in a deep freeze and then going home with no fish, so there’s probably little to no market for that.