How to Think Like a Roman Emperor
If you have anger issues, this one is a great tool (h/t mindyourbusiness)
This week’s book:
Disclaimer: I’m not your Supervisor. These are my opinions after reading through these books a few times.
Picking up where I left off with Seneca’s letters to his friend and student, Lucilius Junior, an official in Sicily.
Following is a paragraph-by-paragraph discussion of the letter. Seneca’s text appears in bold, my replies are in normal text.
ON GRIEF FOR LOST FRIENDS
1. I am grieved to hear that your friend Flaccus is dead, but I would not have you sorrow more than is fitting. That you should not mourn at all I shall hardly dare to insist; and yet I know that it is the better way. But what man will ever be so blessed with that ideal steadfastness of soul, unless he has already risen far above the reach of Fortune? Even such a man will be stung by an event like this, but it will be only a sting. We, however, may be forgiven for bursting into tears, if only our tears have not flowed to excess, and if we have checked them by our own efforts. Let not the eyes be dry when we have lost a friend, nor let them overflow. We may weep, but we must not wail.
I agree with the overall sentiment, but I don’t think it should be a goal to have no reaction at all to a loved one dying. Losing yourself in mourning is also not a desirable act. It has been a long time since I have been in that situation, but as a non expressive person, it was easier for me to comfort my wife than it was to how a lot of emotion, even to my wife.
2. Do you think that the law which I lay down for you is harsh, when the greatest of Greek poets has extended the privilege of weeping to one day only, in the lines where he tells us that even Niobe took thought of food?[1] Do you wish to know the reason for lamentations and excessive weeping? It is because we seek the proofs of our bereavement in our tears, and do not give way to sorrow, but merely parade it. No man goes into mourning for his own sake. Shame on our ill-timed folly! There is an element of self-seeking even in our sorrow.
I think there might be some element of “look at me” in some over the top mourning. I also believe that learning your child has died could be debilitating. I have seen my Aunt wailing at the top of her lungs at my Grandpap’s funeral, then go straight from the funeral to his house to take all she could before my Dad and my brothers and I showed up.
3. “What,” you say, “am I to forget my friend?” It is surely a short-lived memory that you vouchsafe to him, if it is to endure only as long as your grief; presently that brow of yours will be smoothed out in laughter by some circumstance, however casual. It is to a time no more distant than this that I put off the soothing of every regret, the quieting of even the bitterest grief. As soon as you cease to observe yourself, the picture of sorrow which you have contemplated will fade away; at present you are keeping watch over your own suffering. But even while you keep watch it slips away from you, and the sharper it is, the more speedily it comes to an end.
It is a fact that no matter who dies, life will go on for the rest of us. When my Grandma died, my Grandpap started dating about a month later. I was staying with him for the summer at the time and he told me the kids were mad at him, but they didn’t understand how lonely the house was now. He never got married again, but he did have 2 steady girlfriends that both died before he did. His last girlfriend he was living with when he died and I always thought he was a good man and never held it against him the way he handled Grandma’s death.
4. Let us see to it that the recollection of those whom we have lost becomes a pleasant memory to us. No man reverts with pleasure to any subject which he will not be able to reflect upon without pain. So too it cannot but be that the names of those whom we have loved and lost come back to us with a sort of sting; but there is a pleasure even in this sting.
Even when he was dating, he would share stories with me about Grandma and how they met and some of the things they did together. Unfortunately, I was 16 at the time and didn’t appreciate it as much as I would now. I have fond memories of other people I have known that died and try not to lose them.
5. For, as my friend Attalus[2] used to say: “The remembrance of lost friends is pleasant in the same way that certain fruits have an agreeably acid taste, or as in extremely old wines it is their very bitterness that pleases us. Indeed, after a certain lapse of time, every thought that gave pain is quenched, and the pleasure comes to us unalloyed.”
Talking about my Grandpap here is bringing a smile to my face. There is still a little regret, because it wasn’t until I was 20 something and I found out he had cancer that I realized how nice those summers I spent at his house were and he died before I could make it home from Okinawa to see him.
6. If we take the word of Attalus for it, “to think of friends who are alive and well is like enjoying a meal of cakes and honey; the recollection of friends who have passed away gives a pleasure that is not without a touch of bitterness. Yet who will deny that even these things, which are bitter and contain an element of sourness, do serve to arouse the stomach?”
Even with the regrets, it is nice to reminisce about lost loved ones. My wife’s Grandmother is another favorite for my wife and I to laugh about. She was 80, but looked and acted like she was 60. My wife will mention her and we have a few stories that immediately spring to mind, like the lime she made me UFO yakisoba (which was supposed to be drained and then the seasoning added), but not knowing better, she made it like ramen. My wife’s sister was amazed that I still ate it, but I was raised that if someone makes you something, you eat it.
7. For my part, I do not agree with him. To me, the thought of my dead friends is sweet and appealing. For I have had them as if I should one day lose them; I have lost them as if I have them still.
I am not there and probably never will be. I understand the general principle and know that people die. I also believe that losing control of yourself in that situation is not desirable. I still believe that thinking about losing a person, especially one I am close to, is not the same as losing a prized possession.
Therefore, Lucilius, act as befits your own serenity of mind, and cease to put a wrong interpretation on the gifts of Fortune. Fortune has taken away, but Fortune has given.
If I can keep in mind the good memories from someone who has died, it should help to alleviate the grief. It is important to remember all of the blessings I have received from knowing them and not focus on the loss.
8. Let us greedily enjoy our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours. Let us think how often we shall leave them when we go upon distant journeys, and how often we shall fail to see them when we tarry together in the same place; we shall thus understand that we have lost too much of their time while they were alive.
This is true, looking back on my life with my wife, we have spent years apart due to me being an active duty Marine in artillery. All of the deployments and constant field time is a loss that can never be made up.
9. But will you tolerate men who are most careless of their friends, and then mourn them most abjectly, and do not love anyone unless they have lost him? The reason why they lament too unrestrained at such times is that they are afraid lest men doubt whether they really have loved; all too late they seek for proofs of their emotions.
I do not believe that is always the case when someone mourns uncontrollably, but I have seen cases where a spouse’s mourning is over the top and then it comes out that the mourner is also a murderer.
10. If we have other friends, we surely deserve ill at their hands and think ill of them, if they are of so little account that they fail to console us for the loss of one. If, on the other hand, we have no other friends, we have injured ourselves more than Fortune has injured us; since Fortune has robbed us of one friend, but we have robbed ourselves of every friend whom we have failed to make.
This is kind of rough for me because at the present time, I really don’t have any friends that I see often.I have robbed myself of friends, yet I don’t have anybody outside of my wife and my weird internet friends that I enjoy talking to about anything except the most superficial things.
11. Again, he who has been unable to love more than one, has had none too much love even for that one.[3] If a man who has lost his one and only tunic through robbery chooses to bewail his plight rather than look about him for some way to escape the cold, or for something with which to cover his shoulders, would you not think him an utter fool? You have buried one whom you loved; look about for someone to love. It is better to replace your friend than to weep for him.
If I lost my wife, I would have a hard time developing a real relationship with anyone I currently spend any time with. I don’t feel as though anything is missing, but when I hang out with my brothers or Glibs in real life, it is a welcome change.
12. What I am about to add is, I know, a very hackneyed remark, but I shall not omit it simply because it is a common phrase: A man ends his grief by the mere passing of time, even if he has not ended it of his own accord. But the most shameful cure for sorrow, in the case of a sensible man, is to grow weary of sorrowing. I should prefer you to abandon grief, rather than have grief abandon you; and you should stop grieving as soon as possible, since, even if you wish to do so, it is impossible to keep it up for a long time.
Eventually all sorrows end. It is not healthy to prolong them more than the genuine feelings dictate. It is also not healthy to stamp it down and put on a false face. It is possible to feel the sadness and let it take its course without either extreme.
13. Our forefathers[4] have enacted that, in the case of women, a year should be the limit for mourning; not that they needed to mourn for so long, but that they should mourn no longer. In the case of men, no rules are laid down, because to mourn at all is not regarded as honorable. For all that, what woman can you show me, of all the pathetic females that could scarcely be dragged away from the funeral-pile or torn from the corpse, whose tears have lasted a whole month? Nothing becomes offensive so quickly as grief; when fresh, it finds someone to console it and attracts one or another to itself; but after becoming chronic, it is ridiculed, and rightly. For it is either assumed or foolish.
Mourning forever is not sustainable. Being overly stricken with grief for an extended period of time is not healthy for you, nor is it conducive to maintaining relationships and getting back to living your life.
14. He who writes these words to you is no other than I, who wept so excessively for my dear friend Annaeus Serenus[5] that, in spite of my wishes, I must be included among the examples of men who have been overcome by grief. To-day, however, I condemn this act of mine, and I understand that the reason why I lamented so greatly was chiefly that I had never imagined it possible for his death to precede mine. The only thought which occurred to my mind was that he was the younger, and much younger, too, – as if the Fates kept to the order of our ages!
In spite of his teachings and belief in the matter, Seneca was still human and losing his friend really affected him. Looking back, it is easy for him to realize he was being foolish, but the shock of the moment overwhelmed him. This will probably happen to most people, no matter their intentions. If my wife dies before me, I like to think that I could handle it, but I would be a wreck for some time. How long that will be, I don’t know, but I will try to emulate my grandpap and not stop living all together.
15. Therefore let us continually think as much about our own mortality as about that of all those we love. In former days I ought to have said: “My friend Serenus is younger than I; but what does that matter? He would naturally die after me, but he may precede me.” It was just because I did not do this that I was unprepared when Fortune dealt me the sudden blow. Now is the time for you to reflect, not only that all things are mortal, but also that their mortality is subject to no fixed law. Whatever can happen at any time can happen to-day.
We have no way of knowing who will die that we know next. I have been preparing for my mom to die, but in spite of being chronically obese with two rounds of chemo and a recent heart surgery to replace a leaky valve, she seems to be doing better than the Dr. expected. For all I know, my wife or one of our children could be next. I honestly hope it is me before either of those two.
16. Let us therefore reflect, my beloved Lucilius, that we shall soon come to the goal which this friend, to our own sorrow, has reached. And perhaps, if only the tale told by wise men is true[6] and there is a bourne* to welcome us, then he whom we think we have lost has only been sent on ahead. Farewell.
* A goal or destination.
I am not religious and do not think there will be anything waiting for me after I die. I am OK with this. My wife is extremely Christian and is convinced that we will see each other after we die. I hope she is right.
— • —
I am on vacation this week, so I will not be around in the comments, I will read them in the evening.
Music is from the next Metal Church CD I have, XI. Mike Howe returned as the singer in 2015 after leaving in 1996.
He sounded exactly the same and this is my favorite Metal Church CD.
Needle and the Suture, this song rips.
Another very strong track: No Tomorrow
Reset: this CD has many excellent tunes on it.
he told me the kids were mad at him, but they didn’t understand how lonely the house was now.
Some people cannot bear to be alone. It’s not a judgement, it a fact of life.
*I am not one of them
Really?
That’s how you’re going to start off?
Let us greedily enjoy our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours.
This is important.
Thanks Ron
“I am grieved to hear that your friend Flaccus is dead”
heheh. hehehheheheh…..
Is he limp?
Sorry. Very tired, not feeling Stoic. Feeling more Beavis.
I like not this news, bring me different news.
How’s mama today?
Any diagnosis yet? Is she home?
Home, just had another blood pressure spike. I an 90% sure it is tied to sodium. Hoping to get this one under control without the ER (which didn’t really try to control it last night)
I believe Flaccus was a friend of Biggus Dickus, and his wife, Incontinentia Buttocks.
I have seen what I suspected was exactly this. Years ago I attended the funeral of a co-worker’s child – a toddler boy who had been killed by his mother’s boyfriend while the child had been left in his “care.” The mother (my co-worker) was holding herself together, but her sister was wailing hysterically. Perhaps the aunt’s extreme reaction was sincere, but I suspected she was tired of her sister getting all the attention and sympathy.
That’s gross. And incredibly sad.
I’ve been to a child’s funeral. Never, ever want to do it again.
Second. We are very close with my youngest kid’s birth mom, who two years ago had a stillborn baby one month before her due date. They had a full funeral, and my daughter literally buried her little sister that day. That shook all of us. But just a month ago she had another little girl who’s doing fine.
My cousin died in a horrific accident when she was 18. I never met her, nor had my kids, but because she was close in age to my daughter, my daughter was deeply affected. Anyway, met up with the fam. They were holding up well. She didn’t have an open casket.
However, now that I went looking for that article, I started to tear up because my daughter’s 19 and every time she comes home later than usual, we worry.
I noticed Mickey Mouse prints on a headstone near where my father in law is buried. I walked over and saw it was for a 3 year old.
I can’t imagine what that family went through. I look at my own 3 and 4 year old kids and it seems beyond comprehension.
Well that doesn’t help me to be very stoic. God damn that’s awful.
“Losing yourself in mourning is also not a desirable act. It has been a long time since I have been in that situation, but as a non expressive person, it was easier for me to comfort my wife than it was to how a lot of emotion, even to my wife.”
I was living in Oz when the Lindy Chamberlain thing happened. One of the responses that played against her in the court of public opinion was that she wasn’t upset enough in public. This meant, to many people I know, that she must have killed her daughter.
That’s just idiotic. Everyone reacts differently to tragedy.
Becoming disconnected or emotionally numb are common grief responses. In fact, becoming a wailing bucket of tears is atypical and more often the affectation (though it can be real in some instances).
Yep, and I’ve seen it change over a relatively short period of time.
A cousin of my wife lost her husband very quickly (cancer relapse, into hospital Friday night, dead by Monday morning). He was ex-military and she had approval to bury him at Arlington but it was scheduled for a couple of months after he passed. She did some of the organization, various family members visited her, she was grieving but doing OK. We chatted with her the day before the funeral and she was going OK. At the service, door to the church opened, burial party entered, and she basically collapsed.
Sounds like you could use a cheesesteak, buddy. Coincidentally, I could use a cheesesteak too…
Shit. I forgot to thaw something for dinner.
But then you’d have to travel to Philly (at least for an authentic one).
Nah, just Fredericksburg.
A First by any other name would still be a First.
My bank’s name is First United. That’s how serious I am about Firsting.
Firsters don’t use banks. I am tired of your foolery.
I don’t think men do well at all when their wives die. It’s like they’re lost in grief they can’t process and then also don’t know quite what to do with their time/life/house. My husband has declared I will not die before he does, because he doesn’t want to deal with life without me, which is sweet, but hardly something I really understand. Women can, do, and often prefer to go on alone. (I know I wouldn’t date again should something happen to my husband.)
When my dad died, my mother keened for quite a while. My grandmother from hell #1 found out (she was my dad’s mother) by accident right after it happened, and came over and started to wail. My mom is the practical sort, and so her keening was done and over with and then she cried in private. My grandmother, however, took the opportunity to become the martyr, the (in effect) widow, the beleaguered mother-in-law of her evil daughter-in-law who wasn’t giving her enough comfort. Never mind my mother was the actual widow and because she was quiet about it, she pretty much got run out of the congregation for being mean to my grandmother by … not thinking about what SHE was going through. I mean, nobody should have to outlive their child, but my grandmother was an attention whore and she milked it. For YEARS.
And no one in the congregation went “Wait a minute…”?
Naw. My grandmother was just that good at gaslighting people, and my mother is just that introverted that she didn’t say anything. Plus, she’d been conditioned all her married life that she took a back seat to my grandmother.
Honestly, unless you’d been wise to just how toxic my grandmother was, you’d have been taken in too. My grandmother was freaking brilliant, but she used her powers for evil.
Que?
BIDEN: “You realize that 26 out of every 100 in grades kindergarten through 12 speak Spanish? No — think about it — what in the heck are we talking about here?”
We’re talking about the fundamental change Obama and Biden are bringing to the country.
Discussion
Bud Light’s parent company Anheuser-Busch has laid out a plan to appease beer distributors affected by two months of plunging sales sparked by an ongoing customer boycott.
The company plans to provide financial assistance to its wholesalers, reimburse fuel for distributors’ trucks and launch a new ad campaign for Bud Light next week, A-B CEO Brendan Whitworth wrote in a letter Thursday.
“We recognize that over the last two months, the discussion surrounding our company and Bud Light has moved away from beer, and this has impacted our consumers, our business partners, and our employees,” Whitworth said. “As we move forward, we will focus on what we do best — brewing great beer and earning our place in moments that matter to you.”
Bud Light sales have been roughly 25% lower year-over-year in every single week since it partnered with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney for an Instagram post in early April, setting off a firestorm of negative coverage on right-wing media and on social platforms. A tepid response to the controversy from the company’s CEO also angered LGBTQ+ advocates.
And nothing was learned.
Why should they learn? People have short memories.
Oh they learned something, unfortunately it was that the forces of white supremacy are stronger than they thought.
https://www.pennlive.com/food/2023/06/pickle-flavored-hard-seltzer-is-a-thing-and-it-is-made-in-pennsylvania.html
I think I’ll pass.
Pickle beer wasn’t enough?
You’re saying you don’t want one of the four or five pickle flavored beers?
Or are you holding out for pizza to go with it?
I made a ‘ham sammich’ inspired pizza that included pickles, It was tasty.
Pickle Pizza is great. It’s briny and a bit sour with a crunch
Sauerkraut too. With pepperoni.
This sounds like a cure-you-or-kill-you hangover treatment.
Putting a pickle in a Bloody Mary was something I first experienced in White Bear, MN in 1987 and is something I still do whenever I get a hankering for breakfast booze.
In response to the plan, a group of A-B wholesalers said it “greatly appreciates the support” of the financial assistance and said that they’ve “experienced a challenging last couple of months.”
“The support Anheuser-Busch announced today will help enable all of us to continue making a positive impact as we work tirelessly to bring our great beers to local bars, restaurants, and stores across this country. We are united and fully committed to moving forward together,” the group said in a letter obtained by CNN.
Jam packed with vacuous platitudes.
A new ad campaign will fix everything. Lots of flags and waving fields of barley should do the trick.
Break out the Clydesdales, man!
Bud Light already announced a partnership with Harley and camouflage cans. What more do you want?
If I were Harley, I’d totally rethink that.
Chaps without the underlying pants always sells a lot of motorcycles.
“Quick, what do slack jawed rednecks like? Motorcycles? Camouflage? We need maximum pander!”
*shakes fist*
If I were in charge, we would run this one again.
Very trans-friendly.
If A-B had any balls remaining…
Actually, I thought I read an article that they did already. Some online ad or something.
They did. It was a cringe fest.
Here you go.
Using 9/11 to sell beer. Classy AF
Not wrong.
And Dalmatians! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vp_szhKqIK0
Don’t forget the horsies!
How could we?
Bud Light already announced a partnership with Harley and camouflage cans. What more do you want?
Please tell me the tie-in is to the electric model.
Here’s a story on it that shows the limited edition cans.
It might be a good investment to buy a few six packs and put them on a shelf for a decade or two. You might make some money in the future, just like cans of Billy Beer.
Remembers all of the 60-70’s commemorative cans crushed as a kid. With a exclamation “LC Greenwood!!!!!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5BPUh3k7WU
Even better, the Harley E-Bike Bash Mountain Bike
https://jalopnik.com/this-is-a-harley-davidson-1848969988
Two companies desperately trying to ruin their brand. It’s a perfect match.
Dylan Mulvaney in a black leather cat suit on an electric Harley. It can’t miss!
Brilliant.
🤘 NEEDLE AND SUTURE ❗
Fine choice.