FADE IN:

EXT-METRO CITY ZOO-DAY

PEERLESS PALADIN and BRUTE MALAFACTOR walk through the zoo, each holding a hand of retarded copy boy JEFFIE JOHNSON (wearing a beanie with a propeller on top). In the background we see hippos, lions and giraffes in small iron-barred enclosures. They approach an area with a big white sign with black lettering: PRIMATIVE PRIMATE EXHIBIT

      NARRATOR
We now join everyday normal reporter Peerless Paladin, whose alter-ego is secretly Gravity Man, and fellow completely usual reporter Brute Malefactor, who is secretly Anti-Gravity Man, along with retarded copy boy Jeffie Johnson as they are on a news assignment at the Metro City Zoo.

The trio walk past an orangutan, who is masturbating; a gorilla, who is masturbating; and a lemur, who is masturbating; before reaching the enclosure marked ‘Spider Monkey’. This enclosure houses 12 monkeys, all of which are masturbating. Combing the hair of one of the monkeys is a freckle faced scrawny man, wearing a brown jumpsuit that reads ‘Primate Groomer’ on the back. Orbit Boy is swatting away clumps of semen that are trying to enter Peerless’ orbit.

      PEERLESS
Excuse me sir, are you the Groomer?

      GROOMER
Who wants ta’ know?

ORBIT BOY glares at the GROOMER.

      BRUTE
We’re the reporters, from the Metro City Metropolitan News Paper. We are here to cover your grooming techniques.

     GROOMER
Oh, sure, I remember now. Your boss sure seemed interested in grooming.

The Groomer stands up and walks over towards the wall of bars our trio from the newspaper stand outside of. Orbit Boy is being bashed against the bars.

    PEERLESS
Why, yes. Grooming has become big news lately. It seems a lot of very powerful people really enjoy it.

    BRUTE
Yes, it is a pastime that has really caught on. It’s very trendy right now. Some might say, even the bee’s knees! I dabble myself.

    GROOMER
Well, I don’t know about all that, but it’s certainly something I enjoy.

PEERLESS looks over at a spider monkey, he’s hanging from a tire swing, masturbating.

    PEERLESS
Tell me, is that, um, is that…something they do a lot?

JEFFIE jumps up and down clapping and laughing.

The Groomer has a confused look on his face.

    GROOMER
What are you talking about?

    PEERLESS
That…self…stimulation. Is that something these primates do often?

    GROOMER
Oh, that. Yeah, shucks. They do it all the time. I encourage it. It’s a natural behavior.

    BRUTE
Why yes, Peerless, he is right. I went on safari in darkest Africa. Perfectly natural. Now, Groomer, tell me, what is your secret, how exactly do you encourage them?

JEFFIE shoves his hand down his pants and begins masturbating. Laughing.

    PEERLESS
Jeffie! Stop! Don’t do that!

    BRUTE
Peerless, you heard the Groomer, it’s perfectly natural.

    PEERLESS
Perhaps if he were in private, but here, in public!?

    GROOMER
I think it’s beautiful.

    BRUTE
He’s expressing himself, I think that is something we should encourage. After all, we are his mentors.

    PEERLESS
I just don’t know! I’m so confused! It may be natural, but is it something we should encourage?

    BRUTE
Peerless, we’re in the media! Of course we should encourage it! It’s our duty!

    PEERLESS
No! No! It just doesn’t feel like it’s something we should encourage!

    BRUTE
I just can’t stand by and watch you deny his existence!

BRUTE runs off into the single stall outhouse simply marked ‘Toilet’ a few frames later ANTI-GRAVITY MAN emerges, floating in a ‘Christ Pose’ out of the same door.

    ANTI-GRAVITY MAN
I have come out to punish the unbelieving who would deny an innocent child their sexuality! It is a beautiful and natural thing! Come, my monkey horde! I release you from your bondage to fight for me!

ANTI-GRAVITY MAN uses his power to open all the locks in the primate area. Some apes finish masturbating and wander out. But most stay in their cages masturbating.

    PEERLESS
Jeffie, I need to leave for a moment, will you be okay?

    JEFFIE
Heheheheheheh. Funny Monkey!

JEFFIE Continues to masturbate as Peerless clods off. Large clumps of monkey semen continue to orbit around him. ORBIT BOY trying to avoid them. AS SOON AS PEERLESS WALKS OUT OF FRAME A BAD JUMP CUT TO GRAVITY MAN (and Orbit Boy) LANDING, CREATING A CRATER AND CLUMPS OF CONCRETE FLOATING AROUND.

    GRAVITY MAN
Stand back Jeffey!

GRAVITY MAN smashes JEFFEY into the metal bars, knocking him out. His hand doesn’t come free from Jeffie’s head until three or four hits on the bars.

    GRAVITY MAN
If you want to pervert reality, you’ll have to get through me!

ORBIT BOY is still being smashed against the bars of the enclosure.

    ANTI-GRAVITY MAN
Gladly! Monkey Horde, attack!

The primates who have left their enclosures still sit, masturbating. Some of them lick their hands afterwards.

    GRAVITY MAN
It seems you and the Groomer finished before you even started! This is, after all, a very touchy subject.

JEFFIE, who just now regained consciousness, laughs and claps. The white goo between his hands splattering and stretching in sinewy strings. All of which gravitate to ORBIT BOY, who is now covered in goo.

    ANTI-GRAVITY MAN
You may have beaten me off this time! But I will come again!

EXIT Anti-Gravity Man

MARGO appears from out of frame for no reason.

    MARGO
That was a hard nut to bust, but you made it come fast there at the end, Gravity Man.

FADE OUT