In order for me to properly review this Xmas movie, I afraid I need to warn everyone here this review will be reposted every evening until New Year’s Day.*

This is my review of San Tan Lumberjack Oatmeal Amber:

Naturally, A Christmas Story takes place in that short time in the 1940’s when the older Boomers were just lucid enough to remember the time in their childhood just after the war but its clearly not yet the 1950’s because no TV set is anywhere in the movie.  It begins when the narrator reminisces about the time his mother asked what he wanted for Xmas.

He wanted what every red-blooded American boy wanted:  a Marlin Model 1895 SBL .45-70 Red Ryder BB Gun.

The movie alternates between the plot of him raising the prospect to various adults in his life to become a proud 2A activist—his mother, his teacher, even the department store Santa Claus (TW: not Billy Bob) all of whom dismiss his only wish for Xmas with the timeless retort, “you’ll shoot your eye out.”

Often discouraged, this basic plot is interrupted at various points in the story that present a quaint day to day life in 1940’s Indiana.  Like the scene where he curses out his dad, or the one where we find out why you don’t lick a frozen pole, or the one where Ralphie goes beast mode.

“Eat Haram, Saddam.”

Xmas day come around and Ralphie’s dad in the greatest of secrecy gets his gun.  Okay, he just didn’t tell his wife.  Where he then proceeds to hang a target on a convenient piece of sheet metal in the backyard and a ricochet hits him in the face.  In effect, he shoots his eye out…

A movie nobody actually wanted to see—in theaters.  Put it up on syndication and somehow nobody with basic access to cable TV can ever get away from it.  This is the Mariah Carey of Xmas movies.  It went decades as the one “newer” movie that everyone liked well enough to incorporate into their holiday traditions that nobody actually considered it was the beginning of the stagnation of American culture.  Due to the controversial nature of children owning weapons, this movie cannot be made today.  Absolutely not, unless it is one of those Daily Wire movies.  Even then it would mean Ralphie is not receiving a BB gun, but is giving it back to his dad in order to grow into an AR chambered in 5.56.  He won’t be shooting at cartoonish thieves either, more likely he’d be shooting at blue-haired Transgender Islamic Terrorists.  How will we know the terrorists have blue hair when they’re wearing a Hijab?  I dunno, but these terrorists will probably attempt to block traffic on a bleak, cold Xmas morning, preventing Ralphie’s family from attending Xmas church services.  Naturally, this is one of those over the top evangelist services with the flashing lights and the flying drummers because singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing at midnight is too passe for these weirdos.

You know what?  I take that back, Daily Wire should definitely remake this movie.*

 

This beer with the lumberjack wearing cyberpunk goggles threw me for a loop.  The most common complaint I hear about amber ale, brown ale, and oatmeal stout is they are too sweet.  This is somewhere in between the three, and unfortunately I share this complaint. It is a bit different, and I applaud the effort but it needed to be balanced out just a bit. San Tan Lumberjack Oatmeal Amber: 2.1/5

*Not serious.