“Be still laddie. For shall all be over soon.  When the wits of men no longer conquer the evil forthwith upon the precipice upon thine breasts.

PRECIPICE…”

The chamber suddenly erupted in the sound of Sugarfree vomiting at those words.

“No debí haber confiado en ese tipo peruano.” Don Brett lamented.

”What did you give him?”  I asked.

“Quería emprender un viaje espiritual.”  Don Brett began.  “El peruano me vendió algo para un viaje espiritual.”

“You have no idea.”

Don Brett shook his head no, presumably in Spanish.

-48 hours earlier-

“Hmm.  NOLA style milk stout with…chicory?  What the hell is chicory?”  I asked aloud to myself.  At some point the goofy Russian guy is going to ask why I mutter incoherently in front of the beer coolers in his store.

”Maybe I should try this mayonnaise beer, but why is it Hellman’s? I’m west of the Rockies.”

My phone buzzed in my jacket pocket.  Undisclosed number.  It could be anyone.  It could be a scam I thought.  I know too many people that make calls via their VPN.  Lets be real, I know exactly who is calling me.

”Hello?” I answered.

”At the end of the day, there is no sense in troubling ourselves over simple ideas passed down in ubiquity, these ideas are open source, there is no citation needed; case in point the treasure trove of narrow and mostly fake subjects prevalent in academia today…”  Sugarfree was on a roll.

”Its fake AND gay.  It can’t be one or the other anymore.  Thanks a lot 4Chan.”  I tried to interrupt.

”Yes, it’s not about plagiarism as much as the exhaustion of a narrow and mostly fake subject, but it is also a problem in academia, if you were to, more likely if I were to look up dissertations tagged as being about science fiction in a dissertation subject database, at least half of the dissertations are about Frankenstein another 15% were about The Last Man—Mary Shelley’s other science fiction novel, with the other half of the remaining being Margaret Atwood, an amazing body of work an enterprising mind could analyze, so many potential subjects, but writing a single book to death is what is acceptable.”

”See?  Fake and gay.”  I said

I pulled the phone from my ear when it sounded like Sugarfree began to vomit.  I dropped the mayonnaise beer on the floor to damage the can, and put back in the cooler.

“This is so abominable, I refuse to purchase it at full price.”  I said aloud to myself again.  “Chicory it is.”

-24 hours ago-

“I just want to make sure I have this right.”  Swiss began the Zoom call.  “Sugarfree asked to go on a spiritual journey, and now Sugarfree is missing…why does this only seem to happen during the holidays when engagement is low and we’re trying to find content?”

STEVE SMITH shrugged.

”What did he take?”  I asked.

”STEVE SMITH GET SUGARMAN TEA FROM DON BRETT.  STEVE SMITH PROMINENT FOREST SHAMAN.”

”Of course you are.”  I replied.

”STEVE SMITH NOT SEE SPIRIT JOURNEY LAST LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS.”

”If your spiritual journey lasts longer than four hours please seek immediate medical attention.”  Swiss quipped.

STEVE SMITH narrowed his gaze. “THIS SERIOUS CHEESE MAN.  SUGAR MAN CAN FALL INTO MADNESS.  WRONG SPIRITS NOT COOL.  RAPE MIND.  SUGAR MAN TALK TO WRONG SPIRIT, SUGAR MAN TURN TO X/1 MAN, 2X BUFFALO, X^2 SKUNK APE, 1/X MACHINE ELF”

”I can’t do that kind of math in my head.”  I said.

“Mein gott.” Swiss said.  “I can’t either, but think of the content that screwball will come up with.”

An ominous alert popped up in the Zoom..

Sugarfree has entered the Zoom

He stared into the camera with the pupils of his eyes revealing the depths of hell.  For some reason he was wearing a rain coat.

”We began our journey the same as any other, we walk to work, we enter the book suppositories and we take in the quiet calmness of absolutely nobody being in the building with us, the fetid stench of mothballs, the trash that should have been emptied by the Costa Rican immigrant slave to the university holding his student visa hostage, why he constantly forgets to throw out our trash is an indisputably vile act of spite upon us because he thought the visa system was not real communism.”

”COME BACK SUGAR MAN.  SUGAR MAN HEAR STEVE SMITH?”

“Then he thought his AntiFa troll would get the best of us when he walked through the book suppository and chose some random book, Margaret Atwood, he sat there tearing page after page of bile from the spawn of demons and Barbara Walters, we looked on our utility belt and found that we had a cattle prod, he stopped tearing pages after that.”

”WHY YOU DO THAT SUGAR MAN?”

”First edition, obviously university worshiping demons would have a first edition from the spawn of demons.”

”SUGAR MAN DANCE ON VEIL.  KEEP HIM PUT.  STEVE SMITH FIND SUGAR MAN”

STEVE SMITH LEAVE ZOOM

“Umm. How you holding up Sugarfree?”  Swiss asked.

”You send the skunk ape to capture us, we are ready for the skunk ape just as we were ready for AntiFa.”  Sugarfree held up the cattle prod to the camera.  “We will introduce the splorch.  Pretend the skunk ape was not warned at your own peril.”

”Umm. Your turn Mex.”

”Hey Sugarfree, what do you know about Chicory?”  I asked.  Swiss narrowed his gaze.

”The chicory plant, a perennial used to feed livestock, as a folk remedy, and as a vegetable in human diets, the root is often used as a coffee substitute and can be converted to alcohol, a few studies found that chicory root contains phytochemicals, including inulin, which is a prebiotic that supports healthy gut bacteria, in many cases it has antioxidant, anticancer, and anti-inflammatory properties, which is why some people use it as a medicinal herb; Chicory root coffee gained popularity toward the end of the 18th century, its use in coffee and as a coffee substitute is one of the most recognized uses of chicory root today, reasons people may choose chicory root coffee in lieu of regular coffee include it being a caffeine-free alternative, that it contains inulin, a prebiotic, which may help support a healthy gut, a source of flavonoids (a phytonutrient), tannins, and coumarins have antioxidant, anticancer, and anti-inflammatory properties, some hippies just put chicory root in regular coffee, thus offering the benefits of chicory root without sacrificing the coffee they love while also reducing the caffeine content depending on how much one may consume, researchers examined the effects of chicory root extract on blood glucose(blood sugar) and bowel movements and found that after four weeks of consuming chicory root, participants had improved hyperglycemia(high blood sugar) and bowel movements.”  He stopped to vomit on the keyboard.

”That’s impressive.”  I said.

”To avoid plagiarism charges from right wing media,” he gasped briefly, “we will leave a citation in the chatbox.”

Swiss looked up from his phone.  “It looks like Don Brett found him in his vault.”

“Before we ask any more relevant questions, why is STEVE SMITH weeping uncontrollably in the corner of a bank vault?”  Swiss asked.

”SUGAR MAN HAVE CATTLE PROD.”

”He wasn’t kidding.”  I said.

“Nada de armas. No podemos dispararle.”  Don Brett cautioned.

”That’s true, its not his fault he thinks we’re demons.”  Swiss replied.  Both looked at me.

”SUGAR MAN CONSUMED BY SPIRITS” He sat there sobbing. “HE DANCE ON PRECIPICE.”

”Okay, so that means you talk to him first.”  Swiss said to me.

”Fuck that, he has a cattle prod.”  I said.

”Sure, but this being your story we don’t have much of a choice.  You have to go in, it wouldn’t make sense to send Swiss or Brett into a vault to talk to Sugarfree on a psychedelic trip.”  Swiss explained.

“Come here.”  Sugarfree said.

I looked at Swiss.  “You should do as he says.”

“I SAID COME HERE.” Sugarfree said again.

Something compelled me to move across the dark, cold room to the throne upon which Sugarfree sat.

Swiss closed the steel vault door behind me.

Sugarfree held out the cattle prod to my ear.

”I hold a rancid Rabbit vibrator.  I’m sure you can hear the humming, wiggling sillyfoam dick spin and see the flashy lights in the corner of your eye.  I won this in an Ebay auction.  I don’t know who’s pussy this belonged.”

I winced a bit.  “I’m pretty sure that’s a cattle prod.”  I said.

”WHOM. TO WHOM THIS PUSSY IT BELONG”  STEVE SMITH bellowed from the other side of the vault door.

“SILENCE.  Now…put your hand in the box.”  Sugarfree said.

”What box?”

“The box?  You know the box.  What’s in the box?”  Sugarfree commanded.  I did as he asked, and put my hand where I assumed Sugarfree left a box in his mind…


For the record:  chicory does taste like coffee.  Its not exactly the same though, a bit woodier if that is a word.  Luckily such flavors are normal for such a style.  Too bad it was a bit sweet.  Sort of like one of those iced lattes you find at Whole Foods or some other establishment selling fine products to hippies with too much goddamn money.  A healthy 7% ABV though is enough to help you forget about the whole thing entirely.  Coronado Brewing Co. Early Bird Milk Stout:  3.1/5