In a distant land, there were never any people, and so the animals developed differently. The country, called the Animal Kingdom, was divided into two nations: the Carnivore Dictatorship and the Herbivore Republic. Each side chose leaders once a year. The carnivores had a trial by combat while the herbivores took a vote. Both nations found their systems suitable and had adhered to them for a long time.
The carnivores were fewer in both number and kind, and so they competed more fiercely. Their kingdom was divided into several houses: lion, tiger, bear, wolf, eagle, and crocodile. The House of Tiger included cheetahs and leopards, but they were rarely the head of their house much less the kingdom. In a similar way, alligators and pythons were part of House Crocodile.
Meanwhile, in the Herbivore Republic, there were the houses of elephant, buffalo, deer, and ape. The House of Elephant counted the rhinos and the hippos in its ranks. Likewise with the other great houses, the largest of which was House Ape, which included the largest gorilla down to the smallest monkey. The rats felt equally at home in both groups, which made them the swing voters of the Animal Kingdom, though neither nation ever understood why the House of Rat would switch back and forth.
The time came for the carnivores to choose a new leader, and the contest was decided through trial by combat. House Eagle, generally never having much of a chance, abstained as usual. House Python defeated House Crocodile to win the Reptile League while House Tiger beat House Lion. In an upset win, House Wolf prevailed over House Bear, who blamed their defeat on having just come out of hibernation. In the final rounds, House Python was victorious over House Wolf which then lost to House Tiger.
As the tigers and their kin were celebrating, a messenger from House Rat came before them and announced they wished to challenge House Tiger. The tiger champion laughed and told the rat messenger that the rat challenger should come straight away. Just as soon as the tiger champion had spoken so, a horde of rats burst forth from every direction, covered the tiger and began biting him everywhere. The tiger begged for mercy and the rats relented.
“Now that we have won the contest”, said the rat messenger, “you must bow down before me, for I am the Emperor of Rats”.
“But that’s not fair”, the tiger champion protested. “You rats ganged up on me.”
“Ah, but we were only following the law of the jungle, just as you. And that law is merely ‘might makes right’.”
There was a hue and cry from the other carnivores who had come to see what the commotion was a bout. Though the rats were great in number, their emperor knew they could not win against all of them by force.
“There’s only one fair way to settle this”, said the rat emperor, “we will take our dispute to the Herbivore Republic and let them decide who is right.”
The tigers and other carnivores agreed this was fair, so the tiger champion and his leopard bodyguard left with the rat emperor and his army for the Herbivore Republic.
“I don’t trust these rats”, whispered the tiger to the leopard. “At night, we’ll take turns sleeping so that neither of us is caught off guard.”
Likewise, the rat cautioned his troops to be on guard, for the tiger and leopard could quickly kill many of them in a surprise attack. There were many tense nights during the journey to the territory of the Herbivore Republic, but the uneasy truce held.
Near the border, they were questioned by one of the elephants guarding nearby. After explaining their dispute, the elephant guard told them to wait so that he could fetch the elders of the Herbivore Republic. After a few hours of waiting, the wisest herbivores appeared: the gorilla and the orangutan.
“The elephant told us of your case, and we discussed it during our walk here”, began the gorilla.
“But we thought each of you should have one more chance to persuade us before we make our final decision”, said the orangutan. “Tiger, you may go first.”
“Thank you, your excellency”, spoke the tiger most obsequiously. “I had just won a fair tournament against the other carnivores, as is our custom, when this upstart rat barged in and demanded we duel. Naturally, and quite generously, I obliged him, only to have my trust betrayed when he called up thousands of his fellows to overwhelm me. This is quite unheard of among our kind as trial by combat is universally understood to be a one-on-one contest. As I am the rightful winner of that contest, I should be ruler of the carnivores.”
“Well said, tiger”, agreed the orangutan, “well rat, what have you to say to that?”
“Fellow mammals, surely we all recognize that here there is but one supreme law, which is the law of the jungle. In nature, do not the ants gang up on their prey? They must in order to survive. Even among the carnivores, there is the wolf pack and other predators who use teamwork to hunt. There is no way a single rat could possibly defeat a tiger, which is why the eagle refuses to participate in the great carnivore tournament. You herbivores are well known to be wise, and I trust you to reach the right judgement in this case.”
The gorilla and the orangutan began to rub their chins thoughtfully, as though they were lost in thought. Just then, a group of strange creatures burst upon the scene. They walked on two legs and were mostly hairless. Some carried burning sticks while others carried long sticks with sharp stones on the end. There were many of them and they looked fierce. One of them, a hulking brute, casually tossed the tusk of an elephant into the midst of the group of animals. At last, one of them spoke.
“Greetings. We are called humans, and we have been listening to you for a long time. We did not know animals could speak as we do, for you are the first of that sort we’ve ever met. We rule over all the earth because we are the smartest and have the best weapons. Our spears and fire are much better than your claws or fangs. There is no way you can defeat us, especially when we have weapons and fight in a group, as we are ready to do now. We will kill a few of you from time to time because we need to eat, just as you carnivores have been doing. Be warned, though, that if you kill any of us, you will surely die. The Animal Kingdom is hereby abolished. Now go and stay away from us unless we call you.”
At this, the men raised their spears and began beating drums. The terrified animals scattered and ran. As the tiger ran for his life, he roared “truly man is the outlaw of the jungle!”
Pretty cool cause its true,
Bravo!
I love it. Is it an analogy for Trump VS. the Eurozone?
Good story, Derpy.
Until the human tribe learned to count and a majority of the humans could rule over the other humans as well.
Very nice, Derp. A good fable, told in the right voice.
+1
One technique for coming up with a story is to take a common phrase and change it slightly. It also works for famous titles. That’s how I got the idea for The Merchant of Tennis.
I ought to write more since that is my dream job.
“I ought to write more since that is my dream job.” <– You and I, two horses in harness on this.
"FOCUS POCUS!" is perhaps my favorite I've come up with. I use that, out loud, to 'get' myself to concentrate, usually when such is especially important. I probably use it most when driving. Still, I've never been in a car accident. (I have slid off a snowy road into a ditch, back pre-Incident. No injuries; just needed a tow out.)
This is a fun, well-crafted story. Well-executed. I agree with your animal kingdom’s hierarchical structure. Strongly approve.
I was big into Werewolf: The Apocalypse a tween – early teen. I never ‘played,’ I just liked reading the tribes’ history. For Evanish reasons, the Bone Gnawers were always my favorite. Long story short (too late!), they’re the coyotes of the werewolf world. They’re the scrappers, demeaned by the others, but are by far the most adaptable and ‘comfortable’ with humans. (They’re urban dwellers.)
Real life fun: Rats and coyotes are IIRC the only two large(ish) wild animals to have *gained* territory after humans urbanized the world. It pays to find calories and warmth where others daren’t. Food’s just like a hot chick: Sooner or later, everyone’s sick of it. (‘Well, if *you’re* finished, then you obviously wouldn’t mind if I *GARRBLGARBBLEGOBBBLE!!!!* Thanks! Glad we worked that out!’)
*Hawks out gnawed, spent cฬตoฬตnฬตdฬตoฬตmฬต bone in the gutter*
I liked that werewolf game too.
I wrote a werewolf story. The original title was That Time of the Month.
https://platedlizard.blogspot.com/2023/10/live-and-let-howl.html
After years of calling Aaron Rodgers a fag, it looks like he is going to end up the QB of the Steelers. Didn’t see that one coming.
So, a fag?
Ben Roethlisberger was many things. A fag wasn’t one of them.
Though he was never quite the same after being accused of rape a second time and then settling down and getting married. He lost his mojo a bit.
“Man sleeping on tracks survives after being hit by a train in Peru” <– I wanna have a drink with this dude. Rock the fuck on. BIGGEST NOTE: He wasn't fucking "hit" by the train. He was fucking, straight-up RUN OVER. The vid is kinda sickening but… He gets up on his own power and pretty much shrugs it off. Definitely woke him from that drunk-sleep. Damn. I am not sure how this occurs. ('Magic' and 'hex' are 'equal' tails on the Bell Curve, IMO.)
"A man in Peru ๐ฐ๐๐ฅ๐ค๐๐ ๐๐ฐ๐๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก ๐๐๐ซ๐๐ฌ๐ข๐จ๐ง๐ฌ ๐ญ๐จ ๐ก๐ข๐ฌ ๐๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐ซ๐ฌ after being hit by a slow-moving train travelling towards central Andes on Saturday. Ate Municipality security footage showed the lucky escape of ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ฆ๐๐ง ๐ฐ๐ก๐จ ๐ ๐จ๐ญ ๐ฎ๐ฉ ๐๐๐ญ๐๐ซ ๐๐๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ง ๐จ๐ฏ๐๐ซ ๐๐ฒ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ฅ๐จ๐๐จ๐ฆ๐จ๐ญ๐ข๐ฏ๐ ๐๐ฌ ๐จ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ซ๐ฌ ๐ง๐๐๐ซ๐๐ฒ ๐ญ๐ซ๐ข๐๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ก๐ข๐ฆ."
https://apnews.com/video/man-sleeping-on-tracks-survives-after-being-hit-by-a-train-in-peru-6beef18c0f5c4b96b8b38a59bd57cacb
I think I won’t watch that.
It’s remarkable. No blood and he doesn’t get thrown. He just gets *run over.* And then… he gets back up on his own. Others around him are WAY more concerned than he is. (He’s *confused* at most.) He’s able to walk without limping and sits down AND stands up all on his own.
The human body is an amazing machine, far more durable than most
*far more durable than most would imagine.
I think everyone should break *a* bone in their life. The pain, coupled with the six weeks of recovery, is a vital lesson to learn in pain avoidance. I don’t trust anyone’s Pain Index unless they’ve broken one. The time learning to deal with the pain is as important as the initial snap.
There is plenty of clearance for a skinny dude to lie between the rails and get “run over” without harm.
Yeah, I was wondering if any part of him lay on a rail.
He wasn’t between the rails, but his head was close to one of them. One of the big boxy things on the locomotive hit him and pushed him away.
heh The Amish tranny episode of X-Files is on. Good one.
If you have a topic or a premise you’d like me to write a story about, feel free to reply with it.
A shapeshifter with imposter syndrome?
It hasn’t been done before, as far as I know.
Count me in on it. I’ll include fun pictures, regardless, but I s’pose I’m leaning towards writing about how I’m one of those people who drifts through ‘careers.’ I also had that thought when I was unemployed and trying for anything positive.
I could also write a travelogue, but it’s hard for me to pick one over the others. If anything I’ve said, written, or referenced struck anyone’s fancy, I can also delve deeper into things I’ve already brushed upon.
@Derp: Our characters seem ideal for a script /sit-com. You with the NSA and your stay in the asylum, contrasted with my odd careers and my extensive hospital experience. Idea I want to explore: (Oooh. Idea, but I want this to be uplifting. I don’t want to dwell, especially now:) In the last week, two people reacted in the best possible way to learning about my TBI, time in a coma, etc: Shock. They were impressed that I looked like nothing happened.
They agreed that I “Pass.” Pass as ‘normal.’ There’s an interesting idea there, to comedically play against blacks or gays ‘passing’ in ‘polite society.’ Hijinks would ensue.
Another idea is with my best friend, Munchkin, up in MN. Me with my disability status, and her with her brown, adopted orphan ranking, combine forces to bilk the govt out of as much money as we possibly can. Adding a kid gets more $$. Relationship builds and we decide to go through with it, but still making sure to get as much as we can.
Also with her as social services legal work, where I’d get my phlebotomy donors to commit acts against ppl Munchkin deems ‘unworthy’ of aid. Much Hijinking ensues. Much Munchkin pumpin’ as well, I presume.
Amusing:
https://sharylattkisson.substack.com/p/federal-employees-at-nih-making-100k
***
June 26, 2003 / CBS Sharyl Attkisson
“There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to pretend to do,” laments Dr. Edward McSweegan.
McSweegan once managed a large portfolio of research at the National Institutes of Health (NIH), but his work days have been pretty much empty since March 1996.
…
So what does McSweegan do all day?
“I’ve managed to publish a couple of books, some short story fiction, a little bit of non-fiction writing,” he said.
Yes, with all that free time, and with taxpayers footing the bill, he’s become a successful mystery writer. And more: “I wound up joining a health club near the office, just to sort of to break up the day,” he said
Oddly enough, McSweegan has been getting good job reviews.
“I guess I’m good at doing nothing,” he said.
***
I presume he has by now retired with a generous pension. This kind of thing happens a lot in Japan and other places where it is basically impossible to fire people.
Except they’re given shit tasks and work made unpleasant so either they quit or torture themselves.
Yeahโฆweโre going to need you to move your desk down to the basement and Iโm also going to need that stapler.
US added to human rights watch list because of TRUMPitler. His dangerous executive orders are creating a chilling atmosphere that discourages dissent.
The previous administration was using social media to censor the public on a whole host of issues. But it’s Trump who is a threat to basic human rights. Everyone has a right to a government job, apparently.
“Oh no. Anyway…”
I’m waiting for the SPLC listing before making travel plans.
Theyโre just mad their USAID money got cut.
Good morning, my imaginary friends.
Seen this morning: https://youtu.be/x67SBv2kbnE
We absolutely need to ban big pharma commercials.
โ๐๐
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CqM11bt9QvI
๐ถ๐ถ๐ถ๐ถ
Good tune.
So, what about non-imaginary people?
Are any of you non-imaginary?
https://thedeadinternettheory.com/
I am.
You, I can’t be so sure. I think you’re two cats in a trenchcoat.
I am just a figment of your imagination.
Thatโs just what Iโd expect a bot to say UCS or is your real name 0110001110110110?
Proof! Cats don’t understand Binary.
Good morning, Sean, Roat, Stinky, U, homey, Suthen, and Tater!
I couldn’t stick with that commercial long enough to see – they don’t start singing and dancing, do they? ๐
I could break out the old Creantix ad copy.
Ah, but without a big showstopper number, it’ll never sell! ๐ถ๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐บ๐๐ฏโโ๏ธ๐ถ
Aww…
Well, you should be able to come up with a jingle pretty easily. Lots of words rhyme with Creantix! Let’s see…semantics….romantics…pedantics…
I don’t jingle
You jiggle?
Couldnโt I just spray Raid in my eyes instead?
suh’ fam
whats goody
St Patricks Day drunken riots…..a University of Dayton tradition
https://www.daytondailynews.com/local/multiple-police-departments-respond-to-ud-campus-saturday/ZMPYUQRGWJAY3ILG42LGBL5A5Y/
โElijah Murph-Heardโ
That guy being violent? Say it ainโt so.
As much as they try to squelch St. Patrick’s Day revelry by scheduling Spring Break on top of it, a college town (or, in this case, “ghetto”) WILL have a Green Beer Day. ๐โ๐ป
“We agree with Mao that power comes from the barrel of a gun.” – Rahm Emanuel
Remember that and this fable the next time you hear someone talking about disarming the American people.
Good morning everyone.
Update. On Friday afternoon my mom took a turn for the worse. She is in the ICU now. Her chances are not good ๐
I am very sorry to hear that CT.
I’m sorry, Tater. ๐
Sorry, CT. Hope things get better for her. And you.
I am going to keep wishing good thoughts your way.
It’s the first day of kids walking to the bus stop in the dark.
Are they dressed properly in all black?
requirement for ninja school
Should have worked sharks into the story somehow.
The screaming really seals the deal…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLGQPvRIA78
I give up, I’m going to go buy breakfast.
Taking a random tuesday off work is crazy.
Have you tried planning your breakfasts ahead of time so that you’ll have the ingredients in the house?
Have you tried not harassing people?
You’re kidding, right?
Too expensive to stock up on egg$ right now so people are winging it.
…and a bright and cheery mornin’ to all!