Donald sat at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and looked at the hat and the hair before him. The hat sat calmly, but the hair twitched and fidgeted.
“Elon says you don’t exist,” Donald said to them.
“Of course I exist,” the hat said. “Look at me. Tell me I don’t exist.”
“I don’t know why Elon would say something like that,” the hair said, gone frizzy with stress.
“He says no one can see you but me,” Donald said.
“Who else would we even want to talk to, Donald?” the hair asked innocently.
“He knows,” the hat said. “He has to be eliminated.”
“We can’t kill the richest man in the world,” the hair said.
“We can and we will,” the hat said.
“I told you they hated you,” Dark MAGA hat whispered to Elon as the two of them listened from the Presidential Shitter.
“Everything is fine, everything is great,” said a chipper voice.
“I wish I could believe you, Buttertongue,” Elon said.
“I’m your best friend!” Buttertongue said. “And Donald loves you.”
“It’s time to go,” Dark MAGA hat said. “There’s no more to be done here. The DOGE Project is over.”
“I was enjoying myself,” Eon said.
“I’m not denying it was fun,” Dark MAGA hat said. “Hearing their shrieks and squeals was very satisfying. But this is a sinking ship.”
“I’m not killing Elon!” Donald said, slamming his hands down on his desk. “He’s the only one I trust.”
“See?” Buttertongue said, words oleaginously sliding into Elon’s ear. “I told you that everything was going to OK.”
“I wish I could have your boundless trust,” Dark MAGA hat said darkly and magaiously.
“You just have to believe in people,” Buttertongue told him. He closed his eyes, a beatific smile on his crumbly face.
“He dreams about death, you know,” whispered Dark MAGA hat. “Destruction.”
“I like Elon well enough,” the hat said, his brim tapping the desk as he wobbled back and forth. “But I don’t like people knowing about me.”
“I know, I know,” Donald said.
“You probably shouldn’t have had a sentient wizard hat and a long-suffering head-merkin as your familiars for your D&D character,” the hair said.
“Elon said a wizard had familiars,” Donald said. “What was I supposed to do?”
“It should have been a hippogriff,” the hat said. “Those motherfuckers are cool!”
“The sky unto blood,” Buttertongue grumbled in his sleep.
Buttertongue?
NFC.
Doesn’t matter, it’s canon now.
He would never create a anti-wormtongue.
Buttertongue? Did I miss a part?
“You probably shouldn’t have had a sentient wizard hat and a long-suffering head-merkin as your familiars for your D&D character,”
Crazy talk.
Obligatory
“I put on my robe and wizard hat.”
Hawt.
Excellent!
Musk likes him some salted butter.
Buttertongue? Gavin Newsome, Governor Oleaginous the Failed?
Soyboybutter?
“I’m not denying it was fun,” Dark MAGA hat said. “Hearing their shrieks and squeals was very satisfying. But this is a sinking ship.”
Que? You’ve barely left the station.
Must be rumors of Congress ignoring everything and continuing the status quo, indefinitely.
Buttertongue made Pie flakey.
I like that Wednesdays expand my memeosphere.
So about the whole familiars thing in the Sugarverse: It’s interesting that Musk can’t hear Hat or Hair, and Donald can’t hear Dark MAGA Hat or Buttertongue. Other people (can’t remember who) have heard Hat and/or Hair, so they seem to be real.
Hunter is the only person who we know can hear Cracky; it was explicitly stated that KJP heard Hunter voicing Cracky and found it weird.
My interpretation was that Hunter was always voicing Cracky.
Maybe Cracky was always voicing Hunter.
Cracky was just the friends we made along the way.
Hunter was voicing Cracky like the crazy Latin American dictator in The In-Laws.
There was a subplot where members of the Deep State captured MAGA Prime/The Hat.
It’s hats all the way down.
Pussy hats?
Somehow the thought of the leaders of this country having delusional conversations with imaginary voices is less scary than reality.
I took it as Musk can actually hear the Hat and Hair, but under advisement of Dark MAGA, he is gas-lighting OMB (in the original sense) to make him question their advice.
There is only one golden path to the future: THUNDERDOME!
Two Hats Enter, one Hat leaves.
There can be only one! *cues up the Queen soundtrack*
There should be a spin-off Pixar style called Hats. In the meantime, the algorithm has blessed me once more:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A15v4tTab0Y
There is a Tetris game by the creator or Tetris called Hatris. This is my contribution to you and Sugar Free today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wxPiAfVrbQ