Let us step back in time 4-5 years ago. You may recall that I recounted the tale of large mesquite tree at Chateau Putrid, destined to rot in place or fall on me, the garage, my car, or the neighbor, maybe not in the next wind storm, but eventually. So, despite it being 40 foot tall or so, I thought it would be a good idea to reduce it to a stump. So I did. And lo it did provided much smoking wood, producing a bounty of ‘bacon’, sausage, ribs, and pulled pork over the years. It also provided the boards for a spice rack, a puzzle frame, and book shelves; a veritable Giving Tree. Alas, with the exception of the earth and sky, nothing lasts forever, and my Giving Tree is no exception. All I have left is a collection of ‘cookies’ rough cut with a chain saw from stumps. “Cookies” is just a highly technical term for flat rounds of wood cut perpendicular to the grain from the trunk or limbs of a tree.
Of course, the key word is ‘flat’. Even if I had real chainsaw skills, which I don’t, getting parallel sides on a cookie with a chainsaw is not really doable, and without the skills, laughably impossible. But to do anything with these pieces, one really needs them flat and parallel. And looking at the beautiful grain and figure, I really wanted to get something nice out of them, even if I have no idea what the final product will be. Therein lies the rub(bing of the wood) – how do you get flat parallel sides? Wood workers have jointers and planners to do that very job, but very few of them are large enough to accommodate large, oddly shaped pieces. To say nothing of the fact that since you would be running the end grain of the material across the cutting knives, you are more likely than not to, at best, create wavy, sniped surface and at worst (and highly likely) create very high velocity high caliber wood bullets as the piece comes flying back out at your face and/or groin depending on your stance relative to the feeder.
So how does one flatten these larger, oddly shaped end pieces? Well, one can buy a router flattening jig. The basic idea is to affix rails to a large flat bed and run perpendicular rails that can support a sliding router – like nyah and nyah. One can then place larger end grain materials on the bed, place a router on the perpendicular supports and drop the router bit to just make contact with the surface you want to flatten. Said perpendicular supports can slide along the rails as well as across the bed; by moving the router along both axes, one can make a pass across the surface, removing material parallel to the bed and thus, with multiple passes of increasing depth, flattening the surface. The only requirement is that both side rails and the rails supporting the sliding router remain parallel to the bed of the jig. Now, as you can see, said jigs are not necessarily cheap. But hell, conceptually they should be easy to build. And I have a bunch good plywood and scrap hardwood left over from the cabinet build, so with minimal cost, I should be able to build my own jig. Right? (incidentally, my kitchen remodel was finished a bit ago – I may write up the transformation/final product if we run short of material upon which to snark).
So let’s build a router flattening jig. The first step is to create the side rails that the router sled will run on. We can make them arbitrarily long; in my case I set the length to 4 foot based on the left over red oak stock I had. The real important thing here is that the height of the rails be exactly the same since we need the router to a constant height above the work surface as it moves across it. The height of the rails will determine the range of thickness that you can flatten – too low and you won’t be able to flatten thick material, too high, and the plunge of the router bit will not be able to reach the work surface resting on the bed. Since I had some thick material here, I set the height of the side rails to 4 inches. With that determined, it’s straightforward to rip two pieces of the red oak on the table saw to 4 inches. Note that being exactly 4 inches is not important, that will just set the range of widths of material you can process, just that the two rails are exactly the same height. We also want feet to be able to attach the rails to base, so I cut those out of the same stock. The feet can be easily attached to the side rails with wood glue and wood screws. I did countersink the screw heads into the inside side rails, though that’s not strictly necessary.
With the side rails built, they need a base. As mentioned above, I had some decent quality plywood left over from my cabinet build, so I decided to use that for the base. One is free to make the base as wide (perpendicular to the side rails) as one wants to accommodate whatever width of material you want with one caveat. Since the router slide is going to span that width, you don’t want the span so large the heavy router will sag it as you move across the jig – it is critical with this jig that the rail be exactly the same distance from the base upon which the working material will set and that the router rails and hence bit, once set, remains a fixed height above the work surface; if the router sags as it moves back and forth you will imprint that sag onto your working surface – since the whole point is FLAT, that would be less than ideal. With some experimentation with my router rail material and the weight of my router, I settled on 21 inches. Accounting for the width of the side rails and the attached feet, I cut a piece of plywood out of my excess
With the side rails assembled and the base cut out, time to attach the rails to the base. In principle, if we’ve been careful and have flat and true stock for the rails, we should be able to just attach the rails. Being OCD, checked it. I first shimmed up the base so that it was level in all directions. That way, I can just check the rail for level in both directions (long and across the base) for level and be assured that the rails and base are square to each other. With the base leveled out, I can attach the side rails and and check them for level in all directions. Once everything is verified, I can attach the side rails to the base. I did NOT use glue here, but just some pre-drilled screws so that the rails can be removed and replaced (see the end of the post…. if you can find it down there somewhere in the distance.).
So now with the base and rail assembly completed, it remains to make the router sled that will allow to the router to slide on two axes across the surface of the work material. In principle, one could make the sled rails out of wood, but I didn’t have any left over good straight stock, so I elected to use some metal L brackets with pre-drilled holes. Since I will need guides on the router sled to guide it on the long direction of the base, the holes allow me to easily bolt the guides onto the rails. But first, I need to figure out the spacing of the rails to fit my particular router base. So I just laid my rails across the base and adjusted the width to match my router base. With that set, I measured hole spacing and marked two pieces of red oak to function as the edge guides.
Well, now there’s not much to do except have at it. I put the target cookie on the base and ‘locked’ it in with some scrap plywood attached to the base. You also need to shim the work piece so it isn’t rocking – it doesn’t need to be flat (that’s the whole purpose of this operation after all), but it need to be fixed in the horizontal plane. With the work piece set, pass the router over the material (not running) and set the bit depth to the highest point plus a sixteenth of an inch or so. Now set the router at one end of the piece on the long axis of the base, turn it on and run it across the work piece along the metal rail. Slide the router sled about 1/2 a bit width down the base, and make another pass along the rails. Continue in this fashion until you’ve reached the other end of the work piece. Depending how close you were to flat to start with, you probably have untouched sections of the work piece surface; slide the router sled back to the starting end of the work piece, drop the bit, and start again. Rinse, lather, repeat until the entire surface of the work piece has been contacted by the router bit. Now you have one side of the work piece flat relative to the side rails and by extension the plywood base. Yes, one side. You didn’t think we were done yet, did you? Now we need to flip the work piece so the just flattened side is on the base – if we’ve built everything correctly, it should lie perfectly flat on the base. Now we just repeat the passes on this unfinished side. When done, we have a flattened piece of wood with the sides parallel to each other.
Turned out to be a relatively simple jig to build as long as one takes care each step of the way – sort of the way it is with everything I suppose. In fact, I think it took longer to write this up than build the jig!
Now if you remember way way way WAY back at the beginning, I set the side rail height to 4 inches. That’s perfect for the thick pieces. However, that means that, given the depth of my plunge router – not a euphemism – I can’t use this jig to do the small cookies. I can either build a platform to set them on or just build a second set of (shorter) rails. Since I was careful to make the side rails removable, I’ll probably do the later. I’ll probably also buy some peg board – also not a euphemism – to put in base so that it’s easier to lock the work piece in place with some dowels.
You’ll plant your own tree?
I can’t use this jig to do the small cookies.
So the jig is up?
Chunk it up and make some smoked pork?
🙂
No, slice it into thinner panels and make cutting boards. You can get two good panels out of that.
What do you mwan you don’t want to rig up a bandsaw jig capable of doing that? I mean, it’s only a life-threatening hazard if there’s a mishap.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a band saw; my garage…. I mean my workshop, yeah, workshop, is too small. I could buy a small table top one, but I’m kinda of running out of space to even put small tools away when not in use.
Was also thinking of lamp stands or, more simply, sort of small ‘end’ tables.
You need more space. It’s a fact that every man needs a large metal building for the garage/basement overflow. Then you can start worrying about the luxury things such as band saws. Also wire said building for 220 power, just in case you run into a good deal on some adult toys.
Always need more space.
I am getting a shed because my little tractor and truck won’t fit in the garage with all my automotive equipment and kayaks.
I thought most adult toys were battery-powered.
Women’s adult toys are battery powered.
Men need more power.
Ron, you’ll need a bigger space, like 36 X 50. Kids will need garage space for their cars.
We’re seeing big metal buildings turned into part living space and a shop/garage.
Chipotles and bacon and pulled pork last weekend, but fortunately still had some scraps left along with apple wood, so didn’t need to sacrifice any of these. Still haven’t quite figured out what to make with these; but I found a large stump remainder that’d I forgotten about, so a lot of chainsawing and flattening later, I have 8 more to deal with…
Thanks, Mr. Meat.
I was out working on my wood this afternoon. A pair of simple planter boxes. Making them with hand tools, and the whole time I’m thinking that I need moer practice.
wink, wink nudge, nudge
Every time I’ve tried to use hand tools for my wood, I’ve been disappointed with the results. I need mechanical assistance. Yes, yes, it’s my fault, but these euphemisms are getting way out of hand.
I tend to learn things sort of quickly, so I get to a stage that I can produce something passable and then it’s a challenge to slow down and really suck for awhile (there I go again) while you really learn the basics and make all the mistakes. That’s the way it is with hand wood working – I can’t bear how badly I do it for long enough to get to the passable level I am with power tools.
I’m laughing out loud at the euphemisms because I’m 12 years old at heart.
All men are 12 years old at heart – right, girls?
I think hand tools have a much sharper learning curve. I swear, you could fill an associate’s degree syllabus with hand planes: How to select the right plane for the job, what type of blade to use, what angle to sharpen it, how to adjust it, how to grip it properly, what direction and orientation to use when pushing it, and so on (and on and on).
The gorgeous furniture from pre-powertool eras was probably made by some 60-year old man who had been planing and chiselling since he was 12.
… Although a lot of original Shaker furniture is, well, rustic. The layout lines are still there in some cases, the dovetails have all kinds of cockamamie angles, and sawmarks are still visible on the sides. It’s just a different kind of gorgeous, in my opinion.
Impressive. Especially since mesquite is a hard, hard wood. But it makes a beautiful finished piece.
You know who else has hard, hard wood?
STEVE SMITH BLUSH GIRLISHLY
This may have been the first time Hitler was the wrong answer.
DAMN! You possess skills I can only admire, not even fantasy-pretend of. Envious, am I.
Your home-base shop is mighty impressive. I took shop for a semester in 6th grade and am proud I didn’t saw a finger off. My maternal grandpa was a wizard with hands-on skills, worked for Ford.
I inherited none of his abilities. (/focused on different interests) But, I can, indeed, change a tire. So there.
*pebble doesn’t scoot with my futile kick*
Very nice, that chunk would make 2 beautiful clocks.
“..if the router sags as it moves back and forth you will imprint that sag onto your working surface..”
These euphemisms evoke more carpentry than expected…
Carpentry?
Ugh my main computer just went d-e-d spells dead. And it’s an “all-in-one” so it’s probably a total loss.
Unless I can figure out how to swap out the display for one that doesn’t look like a lightning strike hit it.
The hardest part is identifying the correct replacement. Display swaps are not that difficult. Usually with an all in one, it’ll be a ribbon cable connecting the display to one of the other boards. Screws will be holding it in place. Getting in might take some investigating, since they dislike user servicing (so you can be forced to buy new)
I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Hardware is
not my strong suitsomething I want nothing to do with.Can it take an external monitor via HDMI, or maybe a USB video card?
I do see an HDMI port.
The external display I would use to test it is currently plugged into my alternate machine which is actually newer and perfectly serviceable for now.
And I was gonna use that nice big display for when I hopefully return to work in a couple weeks instead of the tiny little one that I was still using when I went on disability. I wonder if I can get work to send me another couple monitors. They can’t still believe that I work in New Jersey where I left the pair that they originally gave me.
If I had an employee coming back to work, who I respected, and they asked for a new monitor, it would be an easy yes.
My work is very understanding but… my WFH status has always been a little iffy because right around the time I asked for it I heard they were cracking down on that so I am reluctant to push it.
Tho… it is obvious that I am in fact working from home so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
WFH where you actually work is doing it wrong.
I don’t know what this means.
Shit, I’ve been doing it wrong for 14 years…
Nice work, sir!
I sold my old metal lathe yesterday, probably for too little, but now I have room for my next metal lathe, going from 9″ to 10″. Shorter bed though. Metalworking, if you don’t have power you are reduced to a hacksaw and a file, which are important skills to learn, but metal cuts slower than wood, and looks like crap even longer.
JHTFC, PM. That’s a simple jig? You are ten times the man I will ever be.
He is lowkey flexing, but far more impressive than playing with wood is just being First. Big Firsts and little Firsts. They all add up to true greatness.
Thanks, Putrid.
This sort of thing is space porn for me as much as anything else – your garage is way bigger than any work space I have.
That’s before we even get to your beautiful wood. (Giggity)
Hey slumbrew. Are flags in Boston flying at half mast?
They should be, we’ll see tomorrow if they properly honor a great, fictional Bostonian.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear”
Oh, I get it now.
“Morn!”
https://x.com/Super70sSports/status/1924932709685588041
He played a memorable murderer on Columbo, too.
One of my favorite moments
LOL closing time was 4am where I came of age… I can’t even stay up that late anymore.
Man I miss that show.
New Welcome To Derry trailer. I know there’s a lot of people who liked or at least read IT. I don’t see how this differs from it in anyway besides the fact that it takes place in a slightly different era and they are going to focus on race more.
Otherwise, same shit packaged slightly differently. I guess you aren’t bound to the same shit as the book. Could be entertaining if you are into horror even if you’ve seen the shit before.
Meh HBO which means it doesn’t exist as far as I am concerned.
Meh.
They still going to run a train on one of the girls at the end for, um, reasons?
Speaking of pedo smiles, Stephen King has always had one.
I liked the book, the origial TV movie, and despite my reservations, the recent two movies.
This is just not necessary.
One of the reasons I stopped watching just about everything. It’s just so tedious and dull.
Was given a first edition of The Stand. I really enjoyed it as a young reader, and tried to read it again. Didn’t get very far before I noped out.
I’m not getting older and crankier, surely not. /eyeroll
The Stand was a big childhood favorite. I think it probably still stands the test of time despite the author’s uberboomerness.
Is that a Bosch router? Niiiice. I just settled on Bosch for all future battery tool purchases and probably many of the plug-in tools as well.
I just got their oscillating multi-tool, and that thing has been an absolute workhorse while repairing and re-siding my garage. It even slices through vinyl siding like a damn pizza cutter.
I’d like to own a chainsaw someday, mainly to use for an Alaskan mill in pursuit of my crazy dream of buying some land and building a timber frame house on it.
What do you plan on doing with those cookies?
Bedtime for bonzo, me thinky. Got an appointment tomorrow morn to lube up my right hip. Needle through my ass to import some collagen.
I hope I’m lubricated for all euphemisms all my way. I’m allowed to drive home, and apparently it’s just a lidocaine prep. Hrm. Mostly being done to see if that’s where the stiffness lie.
Will rock out for a bit. I’ll quite enjoy the experience. There’s always something to look for. Many most things.
Happy hump day,bitches. Get out and ruin someone’s day.
🐪🥑🌙🖕
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSPaXgAdzE
🎶🎶
Meh, George Wendt already ruined everyone’s day.
That song just ruined my day.
Heinous.
My work here is done, rhywun.
😂🤣
https://www.reddit.com/r/Audi/s/HG5vxd2q07
There’s a proper way to ruin someone’s day, right there.
That’s just a way of refusing the job without refusing the job: they didn’t want to mess with it.
That’s because Sean doesn’t have good musical taste like I do.
Good morning, Sean, Ted’S., rhy, Stinky, and U!
Morning. How goes?
I’m doing well, thanks! I have my last scheduled PT appointment this morning….I think. 😕 I wasn’t able to do the usual online check-in, almost certainly because per the local news, the entire hospital/health care system they’re part of has been under a cyberattack. So I’m not entirely sure they’ll want to keep the appointment, but I figure I’d better show up anyway.
How are you?
I made it to the office.
Still wondering about how long it would take various people to notice I was gone if I went walkabout and incommunicado. That’d be expensive, so I can’t test my assumptions, especially about when work would realize.
Yeah, that would be risky. I wouldn’t recommend it. Could you settle for not answering your phone for a couple of hours?
That’s easy – my phone hasn’t rang in weeks.
Mostly it’s email.
https://6abc.com/post/dump-truck-smashes-home-woodbury-heights-new-jersey-rescuers-scene/16484243/
Somebody’s insurance about to be dropped. 😳
https://www.nj.com/politics/2025/05/nj-public-workers-face-huge-health-care-hikes-ozempic-partly-to-blame-officials-say.html
Fat government workers. Stereotypes exist for a reason, I suppose.
Oh boo hoo hoo. The rest of us have been facing hikes for years.
Said unironically.
Ozempic’s that much? Seems like the costs would be mitigated by reduced lardassness and the problems that come with.
You people are awful.
I’m leaving.
Not because of you people, but because I have a commute to get on with.
I always knew you couldn’t quit me.
You have that backwards. I refuse to be trolled off of this platform.
Huh, looks like Australia’s going to start taxing unrealized gains:
https://www.zerohedge.com/markets/australias-unrealized-gains-tax-will-be-lesson-economic-suicide
Stupidest idea ever, so stupid in fact that it’s clear that it’s not stupidity motivating it but malevolence. Damned if I’d keep my money there if I had enough assets to be effected.
A younger, more naive me would wonder who could be so stupid as to think they could tax something that doesn’t exist.
I wish I were that man right now.
Sure to be as successful as Canada’s universal gun registry!
And you can tax-deduct unrealized losses, right? RIGHT!?
…And the great Aussie GTFO beguns.
I really hate typing on phone screens.
Good morning all.
Men need more power. — Tim “4×20” Allen?
What was the term? Ah, yes, Tofu Dreg.
Ah yes, Chinese workmanship and materials.
suh’ fam
whats goody
Annnnnnnd the boiler I was supposed to be testing today isnt up and operating.
Guess Ill tour another bourbon distillery.
Is the customer at least paying for your time while you wait for them to get their crap together?
Always.