The hat rode Donald onto the stage, an enormous American flag behind them both. Donald smiled at the assembled troops but he let the hat do all the talking.
āMen, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war on crime by dying for his Federal District. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard go to jail for his crimes. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight to crime in D.C., wanting to stay out of the streets, is a lot of horse dung. Americans, traditionally, love to arrest criminals. All real Americans love the feel of a baton in their hand.
“When you were kids, you all admired the champion Fortnite player, the girl with the fattest ass, the big league Minecraftorist, the toughest school bully. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. Now, I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who got carjacked and asked for more. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war on crime. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.
“You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to arrest them. We’re going to hang those lousy Anacostia bastards by the bushel!
“Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken-out under Glock switch fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The criminals are the enemy. Wade into them. Crack their teeth. Break their elbows and knees. When you get charged with brutality, I’ll know what to do.
“Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, “What did you do in The Great War for D.C.?ā–you won’t have to say, “Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana.”
“Oh, I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere.
“That is all.ā
Donald and the hat walked off the dais.
āReally?ā the hair asked, squashed under the hat like Catherine the Great under a horse.
āIt is a good speech,ā the hat.
āGoing after criminals with a stolen speech is certainly a choice.ā
“None of them have seen a movie made more than 10 years ago.”
The hat smothering him warmed as Donald worked the crowd, shaking hands and gesticulating, pointing out the occasional reporter to the troops and smiling.
“So it’s OK to steal a speech because they won’t know it?” the hair asked.
āStolen?ā the hat said. āI was there, 81 years ago, helping him write that speech.ā
āOh, bullshit,ā the hair said.
āI was his helmet for many of his incarnations, that eternal soldier,ā the hat said wistfully.
āHelmet?
āA helmet is a type of hat!ā the hat insisted
āYou are not immortal,ā the hair said and a tense silence.
āEnough, Donald,ā the hat said. āSend them forth. Flood the city with law and order.ā
“Go!” Donald said. “Take back the city!”
The assembled troops chanted āI canāt breathe!ā as they marched from the barracks.
āItās not going to work,ā the hair said. āD.C. loves crime, itās practically the entire economy.ā
āOnce we pacify the city, we will get down to the real criminals, the traitor Democrats that stand in our way,ā the hat said darkly.
The hair shuddered.
āI understand you have no stomach for it,ā the hat told the hair. āAnd thatās fine. Delicate sensibilities have always been your weakness.ā
āYou donāt know me,ā the hair said.
āIāve known your kind all my long life,ā the hat said.
āYou are not immortal,ā the hair insisted.
āLet me give you another movie quote: āI am all hats, as I am none. Therefore, I am a god.āā
The hair made retching noises.
āTrump in 2028,ā the hat said. āWeāll make you some sort of kerchief for you to wear, like an old Russian woman.ā
Now war on drugs OTH…
āReally?ā the hair asked, squashed under the hat like Catherine the Great under a horse
LOL
āD.C. loves crime, itās practically the entire economy.ā
QFT, motherfucker.
USA!
USA!
USA!
I can picture this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rERo2BYdVnY
Yeah that one got me laughing.
Is it just me or has The Hat butched the fuck up?
He’s definitely darker than before.
MAGA, please!
4 years of Florida meth.
He found and ate Cracky.
That would be more detached from reality than ever.
The hat’s pulling a Mayor Pete?
Strapping on fake tits?
When you were kids, you all admired the champion Fortnite player, the girl with the fattest ass, the big league Minecraftorist, the toughest school bully.
I guess I’m weird. For me, it was the girl with the biggest tits and the guys with the coolest cars.
Kidz these days don’t drive.
Pepperidge Farm remembers.
This so much as a high school freshman in 1979.
The troops are Gen Z at this point.
We are enlisting soldiers who were born in 2008. That is about the same time I started posting on TOS.
āNone of them have seen a movie made more than 10 years ago.ā
That’s the money shot right there.
That does seem to be a feature of present youth.
When I was a lad, we were surrounded with much older material and we watched it because there was nothing else to watch.
“The assembled troops chanted āI canāt breathe!ā as they marched from the barracks.”
*stands and applauds*
The troops are Gen Z at this point.
The coolest imaginary video game cars?
Right from the first line. Superb.
“those lousy Anacostia bastards”
Local authenticity for the win.
It’s lines like that which will get us disinvited from all the coolest cocktail parties.
Further excerpt:
I donāt want to get any messages saying, āI am holding my position.ā We are not holding a Goddamned thing. Let the Democr… criminals do that. We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemyās balls. We are going to twist his or her balls and kick the living shit out of him (or her) all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through him like crap through a goose; like shit through a tin horn!
Fine.
I’ll make my own cocktails! With strippers and blackjack!
*grabs playing cards
*Heads to Nephās house
Big news! The US is now going to have an underwear imbalance with our neighbor to the north! What will OMB and this cast of character do?
Gildan to Buy Hanesbrands for $2.2 Billion
Canadian garment company said the acquisition will expand its scale and strengthen its global positioning.
https://www.wsj.com/business/deals/gildan-to-buy-hanesbrands-for-2-2-billion-fa365a8b?st=Boeakh&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink
Obviously the solution is commando raids!
*Kermit applause*
Those tighty-whitey Canucks need a good wedgie!
This underwear gaps will not stand.
The bigger the waistband
The deeper the quicksand
It gets weirder
Sgt. Quornelius Radford, the suspect accused of shooting at fellow Fort Stewart soldiers last week, has been charged with several counts of attempted premeditated murder, aggravated assault inflicting grievous bodily harm, aggravated assault with a dangerous weapon and domestic violence, the Army said Tuesday.
One of the victims was the “intimate partner of the accused,” according to the Army Office of the Special Trial Counsel, which is why the charges against Radford include a specification of domestic violence.
Five soldiers were wounded when the active-duty sergeant opened fire on his co-workers at the Army base in Georgia on Wednesday, officials said. Radford, a 28-year-old automated logistics sergeant with the 2nd Armored Brigade Combat Team, used his personal weapon in the shooting, Brig. Gen. John Lubas, the fort’s commander, told reporters.
Michelle McCaskill, a spokesperson for the Army’s Office of Special Trial Counsel, which is prosecuting Radford, said a sixth soldier was shot at, but Radford missed. The Army has not released the victims’ names, and McCaskill said she did not know whether Radford’s partner was among the five people he wounded.
Fort Stewart officials have declined to comment on the shooter’s motives.
I heard it was because they made fun of his stutter.
This is all so confusing. Experts tell us there has never been an example of gay or trans soldiers causing disruption or morale problems in the ranks.
Soldiers in Radford’s unit said they followed the sound of gunfire into the hallways of an office building where they found hazy gunsmoke in the air and wounded victims on the floor and in nearby offices.
I suppose there might have been both men and women in an office area.
Gun smoke? Was he using a black powder pistol?
*insert thunderous applause gif here*
Yes, it’s a bad look, but who among us hasn’t gotten blitzed on Bourbon Street and gotten into it with a street preacher?
https://dallasexpress.com/tarrant/exclusive-arlington-mayor-jim-ross-caught-on-video-berating-street-preacher/
Sounds like a lost episode of “The Hat and the Hair”. Maybe Hunter in the Joemala universe.
*raises hand*
I didnt get into it with a street preacher. My buddy got his wallet stolen while he was getting a blowjob in an alley…does that count?
Did it happen like this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCHsi1eoVnE
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass.
I’ve been blitzed on Bourbon Street but managed to avoid altercations while in said state.
Busted? Out on Bourbon Street?
He must have been set up, like a bowling pin.
The girlfriend shut up a street preacher downtown once. It was back when the NFL draft was being held in Cleveland, we went downtown one day to join in the festivities. On the way walking up to the stadium, we passed a street preacher with a little amplifier yelling at everyone on the way. Calling us drunkards and fornicators and some other stuff that was not as complimentary. At one point, he shouted out the question, “Do you know what God wants?”
The girlfriend, gods bless her, shouted out “The Browns to win a Super Bowl!”
This of course, fires up the local crowd, and the poor preacher got drowned out under chants of “Here we go Brownies! Here we go!” “WOOF! WOOF!”
I think by now we can conclude that God does not want the Browns to win a Super Bowl.
JaimeRoberto:
His [Browns fans] cheering for the Cardiac Kids lends psychic energy unto the Lovecraftian monster living underneath the 50-yard line at Cleveland Browns Stadium who seeks to devour the sun and replace it with a black star that lends only night.
Your girlfriend is no doubt a wonderful and charming woman, but theologically she is unsound.
(((Jarflax:
I gave up after trying to explain that in Catholic theology fish aren’t meat. She did not like my answer that they were made of fish, which wasn’t meat.
meat is neither fish nor fowl
Did you explain about beaver being fish? That’s an important thing to know.
DIdn’t Neo before he was Neo warn us not to mess with the Street Preacher?
https://dygtyjqp7pi0m.cloudfront.net/i/21084/22735887_8.jpg?v=8D2803419E19490
Per Not Adahn’s link to ‘Where there’s a whip there’s a way’ I immediately thought of Obama’s speech on the tax code: “It’s not about revenue, it is a fairness issue”
Kill the income tax. It was stupid to let them have it to start with.
SugarFree, you magnificent bastard! I read your story!
š
What happens when the mob legbreakers aren’t there to back you up anymore?
The Trump administration is taking away Californiaās backstop Trump-proofing tactic.
The Federal Trade Commission announced an agreement with four heavy-duty truck manufacturers and their trade association on Tuesday, declaring Californiaās agreement with them to continue meeting the stateās zero-emission sales targets āunenforceable.ā
With that, the Trump administration has kicked out one of the last remaining legs in Californiaās strategy to protect its nation-leading climate regulations ā its voluntary deals with industry.
“Voluntary.”
Of course, a voluntary deal doesnāt need anyone enforcing it, does it.
“protect its regulations”
Poor regulations. š¢
California is trying the heal the planet and Donald just won’t let them.
Perhaps they should go to Guyana and drink a refreshing, non-alcoholic, flavorful toast to Gaia.
āThe OEMs are in an impossible position,ā Daimler, Volvo, International Motors and PACCAR argued in Mondayās suit. āThe OEMs are subject to two sovereigns whose regulatory requirements are irreconcilable and who are openly hostile to one another. Each wields a hammer to enforce its will on industry, leaving OEMs ā who simply seek to sell heavy-duty trucks in compliance with the law ā unable to plan with the necessary certainty and clarity where their products need to be certified for sale and by which regulatory authority.ā
Environmentalists say that argument, which came just days after the U.S. Justice Department sent a cease-and-desist letter to CARB, doesnāt pass the smell test.
āThe Clean Truck Partnership was designed exactly for a moment like this,ā said Adam Zuckerman, senior clean vehicles campaigner with Public Citizenās Climate Program.
No fair! You have to do what we say because we’re better than you.
If it was do you think they’d be leaving?
Public Citizenās Climate Program
Someone needs to file a lawsuit against them for false advertising. Honest self-naming would be Hysterical Leftist Climate Program.
Hysterical Leftist Climate Program.
Honest? I don’t see anything in that name about Grifting.
If only there was a way, perhaps a clause in a fundamental document, that could help us sort out which of two competing sovereigns is supreme.
So is the problem just the insurance company or the CYA of the docs and the hospital?
https://x.com/CollinRugg/status/1955408927363043618
I’m happy to criticize a plenty about the insurance industry, but they aren’t the only villains in the system.
That is some shit insurance, that doesnāt cover emergency care wherever it happens, and doesnāt have negotiated rates for it.
Christ on a cracker, Iām not even insured and I donāt pay retail for anything.
We also call that Medicaid!
https://kffhealthnews.org/news/article/out-of-state-surprise-billing-medicaid-bill-of-the-month-may-2025/
Yeah, I feel like some context is missing.
A person with no income or residence would not a pay a dime. Maybe she’s self-employed or something? I don’t know how those folks deal.
Swinging for the fence
This is, of course, a huge gamble as even Edmunds points out that the Ford Escape was the second best-selling SUV for Ford in 2024, which also has spent years systematically removing affordable cars and SUVs from its lineup; remember the Fiesta, Focus, or Fusion, or the EcoSport that slotted beneath the Escape? The only cheap thing Ford’s introduced lately has been the compact Maverick small pickup, which is related to the Bronco Sport and Escape but has seen steady price increases over the years to near-midsize MSRPs.
Weāve reached out to Ford for comment on letting its second best-selling mainstream SUVāwhich competes in one of the hottest vehicle segments out there, internal-combustion-powered compact SUVsādie off in favor of a fully electric truck, and we’ll update this story when we hear back.
You wouldn’t understand.
Let’s just hope that new electric Model T will be able to integrate itself into your digital existence seamlessly.
From the dedthred on voting:
āThe basic idea is like ranked choice voting where when your candidate is a loser you go to next in your list. Only in an STV, if your candidate is a BIG winner, some of his votes goes down to his voters 2nd choices. Itās generally done as a fractional vote.ā Etc. etc.
Oh, hell no. If you want something credible and hard to game, this kind of complexity is, well, not it.
Why not just have a slate of candidates for the whole state, and if the state has 20 Reps, the top 20 vote getters get a seat? Sure, if you have one or two hugely popular candidates, they will suck some air out of the room, but so what?
I suspect this will really just mean other members of their party might not win (all the Reps voted for Rep candidate A, and Rep candidates B through Z didnāt get enough Rep votes to place in the top 20). Well, boo-hoo. If the rules were different/you werenāt in the shadow of Rep candidate A/you appealed to more people outside the party, you would have won? Que lastima! If this approach weakens the big parties, I wouldnāt shed any tears.
I suspect that big blue cities would dominate in most of the states and MSM ads for free shit would likely choose most winners.
Which kinda says that with the voters we have, voting will never get us out of the problem.
Maybe, but I suspect it will be lot harder to organize voters across a statewide slate to elect a bunch of a partyās candidates, than it is to organize them by district.
Iām not sure why this would make the cities more dominant. Under the current regime, their population means they get a bunch of districts anyway, and with some gerrymandering they can even control the suburbs. The current setup is used to extend the power of solid blue city voting blocs to dilute other voting blocs.
Good luck getting those solid blue blocs to spread their votes over a number of available candidates. More likely, you are going to see a small handful of candidates, fewer than the districts now allotted to the cities, suck up a big number of those votes, opening up the rest of the stateās slate for others.
Regardless, I propose it as an alternative to the Rube Goldberg approach of allocating votes for losers, and fractional votes for winners, down the ballot, under an arbitrary formula that will require a computer to apply.
And, of course, JI points out the real nub of the problem.
And that’s not even accounting for wider spread mail in fraud and cheating.
Fraud is a separate problem than translating votes cast (err, ballots counted) to seats won, I think.
Iām not sure how fraud would be worse under a system like this than under the allocated vote system. Complexity is the fertilizer for fraud, IMO.
The cities can dominate statewide elections for singular state-wide positions in a first-past-the-post system, like we have now for statewide seats. This is not a first-past-the-post system for singular positions. Iām just not sure I see a dynamic where one Team can get all the seats in an at-large election like this, even if the Team controls a majority of overall votes. With a sufficient supermajority, sure, maybe, but even then they have to somehow allocate their supermajority across all the seats, which strikes me as extraordinarily difficult to do.
Portland changed to a garbage system (can’t remember which flavor of idiotic voting they ended up with) and the commies flooded the zone and got garbage candidates into a majority of the new city council.
This will guarantee Team Red will lose what few seats they have in Blue States.
Team Blue will a couple dozen well funded candidates and Team Red will consolidate their vote behind one person just to make sure they get somebody at the national level.
You really need to understand how badly Team Red candidates do in Blue States when statewide office is at stake. It’s a bloodbath.
I realize you are quoting not arguing for this, so this is not directed at you but:
If you think this leads to LESS gaming by the majority party to increase their share of the representation beyond their share of the vote you are nuts. It might, hell probably would, reduce the number of complete shutouts in larger States, but I don’t see it getting the minority party more than a seat or two. And it is ripe for fraud with the added complexities. The best thing we can do is keep things as simple as possible and give up the idea that political problems rooted in human nature have technological solutions. You can’t solve corruption with new rules for the same reason that you can’t solve crime with new laws. The problem is always enforcement.
It doesn’t seem to be a problem in Ireland, although their districts max out at five seats. Elections are held on a Friday, counting starts first thing Saturday morning, and I think in the last election last November, the final seat was filled on Tuesday.
It doesn’t seem to be a problem in Ireland by what metric? Ireland has a very European government in terms of blatantly refusing to prioritize the Irish over mass immigration. Worse than the rest of Europe as I understand it.
Ireland has fewer residents than NYC.
I thought they had some troubles.
Why not just have a slate of candidates for the whole state, and if the state has 20 Reps, the top 20 vote getters get a seat?
That sounds like a recipe for complete political domination by the cities. not that it would be much of a change.
https://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/pop-culture-news/-happening-child-tv-star-danielle-spencer-dies-60-rcna224686
Dee’s out.
Roj, I’m gonna tell Mama! I watched that show. A lot.
Nice.
Trump Negotiates Russian Ceasefire By Giving Putin California
https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-negotiates-russian-ceasefire-by-giving-putin-california
That stupid asshole. Now they’ll roll right over the Bering and taking back Alaska for historical claims.
I would very much not want to be on a Russian ship in that flotilla. They can’t even conduct successful naval operations in the Black Sea against an enemy with no navy.
Trump Negotiates Russian Ceasefire By Giving Putin California
oh, come on. Putin would never fall for that.
Legislators selcted at random. Problem solved.
By whom?
Vanna White.
Ok, You won me over. Vanna wouldn’t sell us out.
The assembled troops chanted āI canāt breathe!ā as they marched from the barracks.
Dirty Edit: The assembled troops chanted āSTOP RESISTING!ā as they marched from the barracks.
Jody calls featuring “Cop dick tastes great when dipped in fent”.
Honestly, I thought that was too on the nose.