The Hat and The Hair 47: Episode 35

by | Oct 15, 2025 | Sugarverse, The Hat and The Hair 47 | 159 comments

“I have brought peace to the Middle East,” Donald said. “I have healed a rift and led Jews and Palestinians to the Promised Land.”

“Hallelujah!” the hat said jubilantly. “Preach Brother Donald!”

“I will win the Nobel Peace Prize!” Donald exulted.

“Um…” the hair began.

“Don’t ruin this for him,” the hat said.

“America leads the world,” Donald said, “and I am America.”

“Woo!” the USA hat said from the hat vault.

“Shut up!” the hat yelled. “No one even remembers who you are!”

“Ah wanna share this moment,” the USA hat said.

“Too fucking bad,” the hat said. He billyflopped on the vault emergency close button and the protestations of the redneck hat faded as the door ponderously closed.

“You probably won’t win the Nobel,” the hair said as the thick magnetic bolts of the vault shot home.

“Must you ruin everything?” the hat asked.

“I’m not trying to ruin anything, I’m just managing Donald’s expectations.”

“I mean, you’re probably right,” the hat said. “Those Norwegian commie hate Donald.”

“Sweden,” the hair said, “the Nobel is awarded by Swedes.”

“They are all commies,” the hat said. “Traitors to the White race, they are. Might as well be Algerians.”

“Why be racist?” the hair asked.

“Because I want to be,” the hat said.

“Donald,” the hair said, “Hamas might break the ceasefire and the war will start up again.”

“Hamas will never be betray me,” Donald said, puffing out his chest.

“They will,” the hair said, “it is inevitable.”

“Gaza will become the Riviera of the Middle East,” Donald said, ignoring his hair. “It will have beaches and hotels and those spas that wrap you in seaweed and hose out your asshole.”

“And we can have a theme park called Terrorist Land,” the hat said. “The UNRWA Cafe (rice, beans and Plumpy’Nuts!) and Bomb Vest Craft Hut (it’s a real blast!) and Rubble Playland for the kids (exhume your own Gazan child and you can take him home!) and The Genocide Rollercoster (no one survives!) and, of course, The Rocket, where you can fire a genuine piece of water pipe into southern Israel!”

“I can see it all so clearly,” Donald said.

“The Palestinians will be so grateful, they will rename Gaza to Donaldlandia!” the hat squealed.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

159 Comments

  1. R.J.

    I would go to that amusement park.

    • The Other Kevin

      The Mideast’s own Action Park!

      • EvilSheldon

        Sadly, without the alcohol…

      • SDF-7

        It would be the bomb.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      STEVE SMITH LIKE UN PEACEKEEPER RAPE ROOM!

  2. Aloysious

    Donaldlandia

    Where everyone wears an ugly Toupée .

    • R.J.

      MAGA hat spinning cup ride

      • Aloysious

        Whee!

  3. The Late P Brooks

    I thought Beirut was the Riviera of the middle east.

    • Aloysious

      It used to be.

      It bombed.

  4. Bobbo

    Bunker buster Bomber sim!

  5. The Late P Brooks

    I hear the Build-a-Bomb workshop is very popular.

  6. Fourscore

    … “those spas that wrap you in seaweed and hose out your asshole.”

    /I reflexively clenched

    • Aloysious

      I felt violated. And not in a good way.

      • Tonio

        That is, of course, the point of SugarFree’s fiction.

    • SDF-7

      SEA SMITH APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORTS TO MAKE IT TIGHTER!

    • Spudalicious

      Fun fact. Most bidet seats have a constipation setting on the stream.

      • EvilSheldon

        Is that the setting that extends the lubricated nozzle?

      • Evan from Evansville

        Oooh, that *is* a fun fact! In only one of my Korean apartments, I had what I called – and can only be called – The Ass Blaster. Ya set the dial to *that* bitch, and it blew your ass, and whatever’s left bitterly clinging to it, into the drip like a firehose into a 60s protester of a certain sort. That thing was brutal, but damn quick and effective. I miss it.

        Toilet paper really is an antiquated product. At that place, I really only used it to gently dry down. People should at least go to flushable wet wipes. (They do have issues, but innovate better dissolvability!) Demolition Man, legit one of my (our) fave films, got that shit right. Move on to the damn seashells. Better than what we’re up to.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    Gaza- the Atlantic City of the middle east.

  8. Rat on a train

    The peace prize is awarded by the Norwegian Nobel Committee. The other Nobels are awarded by Swedish organizations.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Whatever. They’re all commies.

  9. Not Adahn

    He billyflopped

    Godd-DAMN!

    • Tres Cool

      Yes.
      “billyflopped” has entered the lexicon.

  10. DEG

    “Gaza will become the Riviera of the Middle East,” Donald said, ignoring his hair. “It will have beaches and hotels and those spas that wrap you in seaweed and hose out your asshole.”

    I read this in the voice FreedomToons uses for Trump.

    • creech

      Will there be big breasted Slavic blondes cavorting topless on the beaches? Asking for a friend.

      • UnCivilServant

        No. There will be Tres-certified landwhales.

  11. Not Adahn

    In this continuity, is Tha Hat also burn scarred? I remember The Hat/MAGA Prime had some things of sufficiently unspeakable horror done to it that it psychologically scarred him for several episodes.

    • R.J.

      I thought that was USA hat who was nearly burned alive.

      • Not Adahn

        I thought that in the title credits, Melania’s Hat/USA Hat was “Tha” hat. I can’t remember if its burnination happened in this continuity or the animated one. In this one, The Deep State Coven managed to get ahold of “The” Hat.

    • SugarFree

      I don’t remember setting him on fire. It might be in CPRM’s continuity.

  12. Pope Jimbo

    One of these things is not like the others
    One of these things doesn’t belong
    Can you tell which thing is not like the other
    By the time we finish our song?

    Did you guess which thing is not like the others?
    Did you guess which thing doesn’t belong?
    If you guessed this thing is not like the others
    Then you’re absolutely right

    Spot the Glib

    • SDF-7

      WFH… RTO… WFH… it is a vicious cycle.

    • The Other Kevin

      Ha! Who is it, maybe Straffin, who walks around when we’re on the Glibs Zoom?

      • Pope Jimbo

        Yeah, Straff is the guy strolling around. Must be something in the water over there, because I think I did that too while zooming when I was there.

        Maybe because it is daytime there?

    • Pope Jimbo

      When the Marines were training me to repair navigation equipment for air traffic controllers, my class ended up with three white guys and one black guy. All of us were non-rates so we got in all sorts of trouble when left to our own devices.

      One of our favorite things to do was to sing the One of these Thing is Not Like the Other song as we fell into formation. (Yes, there were times we had to fall into a formation of 4 for some reason). We’d scramble around singing that song. Several times it caused us to get hauled into the Gunney’s office because some officer had witnessed it and thought it was NOT funny. They Gunney thought it was funny too, but would yell at us for being dumbasses in public.

      • UnCivilServant

        Did you forget to tell them it was you who were the odd one out?

  13. SDF-7

    Must be nice when felony assault and battery merits just probation. Not sending an “Open Season” signal there… nope, not in the slightest…

    • Pope Jimbo

      Isn’t this where the Feds would normally step in and charge the miscreants for violating Big Ballz’s civil rights?

      Gotta say, though, Big Ballz should have his own TV show. Seems like he should be a role model for kidz. Smart, tough and brave.

  14. Aloysious

    It seems that the Treasure Valley is getting its First Raising Cane’s. Since its based out of Loozyanna, I might have to check it out after it opens.

    • R.J.

      It’s chicken strips and rippled fries. That’s it. Granted the chicken strips are tender and delicious.

      • SugarFree

        It’s pretty good for chain chicken. And I love a restaurant with a limited, but focused menu. You try to do too much and quality suffers across the board.

        Around here, at least, they tend to hire teenagers, so it’s not a shitshow of Methnays running the place.

      • Sean

        Methnays

        ??

      • Aloysious

        I’m going to gird my prodigious loins for the upcoming chikken wars, Raising Cane’s vs. Chik-Fil-A.

      • SugarFree

        Bethany, but she loves meth. Always missing some number of teeth.

      • SugarFree

        Cane’s and Chik-Fil-A aren’t really comparable products. Cane’s doesn’t do breakfast, the sandwich is chicken tenders on Texas Toast, no mayo, no pickles.

        My only complaint about Cane’s is that the drinks always tastes faintly of bleach, but it might be our over-chlorinated water here.

      • EvilSheldon

        Now I have a real craving for a chicken sandwich with extra mayo and double-extra pickles.

      • Aloysious

        Well that’s a let down.

        I looked at the location on mapquest, and it’s near a Chik-Fil-A on the busiest street/highway in the State. Blech.

    • Nephilium

      The hype is bigger than the chicken strips.

      • CPRM

        Yeah, I tried the one in Madison when I visited NW; unimpressed.

    • UnCivilServant

      I want to get rid of the pointless RGB lighting on my motherboard and video card.

      • Sensei

        It’s off on my motherboard. I’ve found the lighting on my GPU is actually useful for illuminating the case to see cables and plugs and the like. So I have it on as white and lowest intensity.

        On my EVGA card you also have the option to color code it to temperature, but I monitor that in a taskbar app that also controls my fan and pump speeds.

      • UnCivilServant

        I haven’t found where to make the changes.

        If I’m to the point where I’m poking around the guts of the box, I’ll have moved it somewhere where regular lights reach and the power line is unplugged.

      • Sensei

        On my MB it’s in the BIOS. On the GPU – it’s a companion app. Check your brand’s GPU utility software.

      • UnCivilServant

        Would it be sad to say I don’t recall who made the card? I know it’s one of my go-to brands using nVidia chips, but I’d have to look to see which. I typically don’t install the manufacturer software since the chipset drivers do the heavy lifting for what I plopped $1k down for.

        I’ll check when I get back to the house. I just wish it were off by default and those kids on ecstacy had to turn it on.

      • R.J.

        Can you just tape over the lights? Paint them with liquid paper? Or is that too unattractive?

      • UnCivilServant

        RJ – They’re inside the Fan.

      • Nephilium

        R.J.:

        For several that I’ve seen, the lights are well behind the heat sink/fans (or part of them). I get mildly annoyed at the light spilling out of the back of the case, and try to remember to avoid any that even may have LEDs when building new machines. Considering that’s a once every five years or so project… it’s not common I completely succeed.

        Damn… I’m about due for another build here soon.

      • CPRM

        When I built mine the RGB RAM was the lower price point, I’d like to turn them off but have been too lazy to look into how.

      • DEG

        I’ll admit it: Despite being a low tech techie… I actually kinda like the lights.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Uffda.

        I have built PC’s back in the old days, but since 2005 or so I have quit that and just bought a rig that meets my needs.

        I’m gobsmacked that anyone would buy shit to light up their PC. For fuck’s sake, why have a desktop when you can get a laptop that does most of that and you can tote it down to the local coffee shop*.

        I can’t remember the last time a moderately priced laptop couldn’t handle all my development needs without the need for any customization. My personal opinion is that too many devs insist on massive amounts of mem and hd space mostly as a means to dick measure with other devs.

        I’m not a gamer, so maybe that might be a reason to build a PC?

        * My local coffee shop is next to a yoga studio (both Tundra and Fourscore have visited me there and were complimentary). I’m not going to be chained to some desktop in my basement when there are gals in spandex nearby.

      • SDF-7

        Yeah, gaming would be a big obvious reason — but the thermals are a lot less tight on desktop versus laptop (you just have more room and more fans so can push more air with less rpms / quieter).

        Desktop parts tend to be better specced (even if they’re branded the same, typically laptop parts are underpowered — again, because thermals.

        Desktop parts can be changed out if they break, unlike laptop parts. And the power supplies / power cords aren’t manufacturer-specific / something weird (yes, USB-C should be universal enough… but I doubt I’m the only one to see “This cord isn’t high wattage enough… waaah!” type messages on work laptops.

        If you don’t need portability, I’d always go desktop — but I’m biased since I enjoy building mine. If you do need portability, obviously go laptop. Right tool for the right job and all.

      • Pope Jimbo

        SD:

        I have to admit that a lot of my antipathy for building stuff is from my days of doing server upgrades back in the day. Our shop was heavily into Compaq and those fuckers would throw different parts into servers and not change the model at all. They wouldn’t even go from Compaq 2120 to Compaq 2120-A.

        They also weren’t very open about allowing you to use a serial number to figure out what disk drives they were using. You’d always have to open things up and see the part number that was currently being used.

    • UnCivilServant

      So they want to data farm people’s fetishes?

      • The Other Kevin

        Just think of the ads! Now might be the time to team up with Creosotes Achilles and launch an online store. I sense a big opportunity.

      • Sensei

        Paging Tres!

      • SDF-7

        Sounds to me like a really good way for that “We turned on your web cam while you were on site XXX and now want money or we’ll send your predilections to your family” scam to actually be blackmail instead of assumed blackmail.

        But men fund OnlyFans currently — I have to assume there will be plenty of idiots who will buy into this too.

    • The Other Kevin

      I’m telling you, pair that with a halfway convincing AI avatar and it’s a license to print money.

      • Sensei

        Hollywood is quite fearful about AI. Not it’s OnlyFans turn.

      • Sensei

        Now

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Striking the right balance between freedom for adults and safety for users has been a difficult balancing act for OpenAI, which has vacillated between permissive and restrictive chat content controls over the past year.

    What’ll it be today? Argument or abuse?

    • SDF-7

      “Now put your hand there and go WAAAA…. WAAAA!”

  16. The Late P Brooks

    How long ’til some celeb’s lawyer sues chatgpt over sex fantasy psychic rape?

    • The Other Kevin

      They’ll try, but I doubt that will get far. I’d put this in the category of fan fiction.

    • SDF-7

      I would think the “deepfake” / “revenge porn” style laws would lead to prosecution first. If OpenAI (I think that’s the owners?) have any sense — any text, audio or video should be limited to a constructed “EveryMan / EveryWoman” styles within certain parameters but refuse to let it be the image, likeness or reasonably assumed to be any existing person, living or dead. Otherwise, they’re just asking for trouble.

      As TOK says — AI Avatars should work, and should be easy to generate generic enough to get away with it.

      • The Other Kevin

        Grok already has a few “assistant” avatars. They could provide those, or let people customize their own like you do in a lot of video games. If someone makes their avatar look like a celebrity, you can’t really go after them for it can you? Can they prove you didn’t model it after that girl you dated in college?

  17. PieInTheSky

    Inside One of the Most Expensive and Newest Homes for Sale in LOS ANGELES

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBWTiJuNhz4

    I like it when one of these high end real-estate youtubers want to present an obvious negative like a positive, like a 240 foot long hallway in the house.

    Also I know you Americans like your houses better equipped than Europeans but 3 kitchens may be overkill

    also the formal dining/living spaces seem a bit useless with the bar being far away in the tv room.

    anyway long narrow house = bad layout

    • PieInTheSky

      the first powder room looks real nice but it is far away from everything. also two laundries with 2 washers and 3 dryers each is overkill.

      • SDF-7

        Look, the pool boy sleeping with your wife has to have somewhere to do his laundry when you are out driving your white Ford Bronco.

      • Mad Scientist

        You scoff, but I have multiple washers and dryers in my laundry room and makes the laundry take half the time.

      • Sensei

        Mad Scientist keeps a kosher laundry.

      • PieInTheSky

        2 each is multiple and OK. 4 each is a bit rich

      • SugarFree

        No, Mad Scientist just lives in an laundromat. He smells of Tide but we forgive him because he always has quarters for the air hockey table.

      • Mad Scientist

        Think of multiple washers/dryers as a time saving device for your wife. The faster you can do all the laundry in the house, the more time you can spend rehanging pictures that aren’t quite centered to her liking, fixing that lamp she knocked over, cleaning up after her dog, buying the groceries she likes, and putting the seat down.

      • SugarFree

        Leave the seat down and shit in the yard. Problem solved.

      • PieInTheSky

        then blame it on the dog

      • Mad Scientist

        If I start shitting in the yard, the dog will start shitting in the house. And he will definitely leave the seat down.

      • R.J.

        Extra laundry machines is cool. Extra kitchens suck that means so much more time is spent cleaning kitchens.

    • SDF-7

      If it is considered expensive in LA, I would assume the owners would have staff. They’d want the actual food preparation away from the dining area so it doesn’t disrupt entertaining. Similarly, the 3 kitchens would presumably be for parties as would the space.

      And no, I’m not watching the video since I don’t really care about houses in LA.

      • Mad Scientist

        And if you give guests their own kitchen they can microwave all the fish they like, and you’ll never know since you’ll be at the far end of a 240′ hallway.

      • PieInTheSky

        well one kitchen and one chefs kitchen makes 2 no need for 3.

      • PieInTheSky

        it is basically a matter of a house build with external aesthetics in mind and internal layout cobbled together after.

        it is very hard to have good layout in long narrow houses

      • UnCivilServant

        Pie, the third kitchen is for the help so that their food and dishes don’t comingle with that of the guests, or worse, the family.

      • PieInTheSky

        well it is not in the servants quarters 🙂

        the third kitchen is because the formal living room is too far away from the other 2 kitchens due to layout and the many meters of hallway

    • PieInTheSky

      GODDAMNIT i linked the wrong video and no one told me

      this one is How a 2 Michelin Star Chef Reimagines Roman Oxtail Stew (Coda alla Vaccinara)

      Also since I accidentally linked this one, making a vegan mock oxtail after making the real one is silly

      • Nephilium

        Yeah, but how many Michelin keys does it have?

      • UnCivilServant

        How would I know you linked the wrong video?

        I don’t have time to watch youtube from work.

      • Drake

        Ha – I was reading comments and wondering how I landed in the wrong place.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Looks like a bunch of prefab homes stuck together. And only 1.4 acres? My wife would say, “And who is supposed to clean all that. You sure as hell won’t.”

      • creech

        This is how riches gush down from the 1 percenter assholes to the construction, landscaping, tradesmen, and other peasants who build and maintain these palaces.

      • Pope Jimbo

        JR:

        My wife would say

        If you can afford $42M houses, your wife would learn to keep her opinions to herself. Otherwise she’ll be out on the street with nothing but a copy of her pre-nup and your top mistress will move up to become the New Wife.

        If she doesn’t like it, she can cry on the pool boy’s tanned, muscular shoulder.

      • Evan from Evansville

        That’s not a house. It’s a compound.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    I like it when one of these high end real-estate youtubers want to present an obvious negative like a positive, like a 240 foot long hallway in the house.

    “Perfect for sighting in your rifle before that big Montana elk hunt.”

    • PieInTheSky

      you cant have guns in LA what would all the cool people think?

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Oh they all have guns. They just don’t want you to.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    anyway long narrow house = bad layout

    Them folks in the trailer park will be seething with envy.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    If one of those kitchens isn’t outdoors by the pool you’ll be a laughingstock.

    • PieInTheSky

      there is a separate outdoor kitchen

      • R.J.

        Those are the worst. Even if you are militant about cleaning they attract squirrels and other vermin like a magnet.

      • SugarFree

        You cook the squirrels, you dilettante.

      • R.J.

        I grow weary of eating them. I prefer grifters.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Laugh all you want, but squirrels are my favorite game animal to eat.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    this is the house video goddamnit

    Where’s the garage? 42 million bucks and you have to park your Bentley in the yard under a tree with birds shitting all over it?

    • PieInTheSky

      there are two 3 car garages when you enter the property on each side. everything is symmetrical.
      the maids quarters is above one of the garages

    • Ownbestenemy

      At least his spill kit had absorbant pads…

    • The Other Kevin

      That would be a great paper towel commercial.

    • Dr Mossy Lawn

      Just wait a bit.. the Jet-A will evaporate.

      I like how they don’t stop the fueler who is still spraying the ground.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    the maids quarters is above one of the garages

    Hubba hubba.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Hope he has a few more sheets!

    That’s gonna take a really big bag of kitty litter.

  24. Pine_Tree

    We just got back from a mini-vacation and visit to friends in Colorado (Estes Park area and Loveland). I’ll probably comment on a few things along the next few days, but one story: We stayed in a little town called Glen Haven, and were coming down from a hike mid-day on Saturday. Walking past the town hall (windows full of peace signs, posters, etc.), a boomer lady on the porch invited Mrs. Tree and I in for their “Peace Jam” and lunch. Nice enough. I told Mrs. Tree we should go in and participate and express how awesome it was that they were celebrating Trump’s success in the Gaza peace arrangements. She didn’t let me do it – probably didn’t want to get murdered.

    • The Other Kevin

      Good thinking. There are way too many places for an unmarked grave in that area.

    • Pope Jimbo

      What were you doing in CO? Were you scouting for an upcoming hunting trip?

      Surprising that the proggy would invite someone of your elk in for a visit.

      • Pine_Tree

        It would have been more than we could bear.

        Main thing was meeting my son’s future in-laws in Loveland. The Estes and Glen Haven pieces were vacation – mostly hiking and eating. Did similar around Red Rocks and the dinosaur attraction Monday.

        Everybody asked if we saw elk – nope. There were sign all over Estes Park, on the sidewalks, on the lawn at the Stanley, but we never saw a one.

      • Pope Jimbo

        lol. This year, while grouse hunting in western NoDak, one of the ranchers let us hunt his land only if we promised to tell him about any elk we saw (and not tell any of the other hunters we saw).

        We felt bad because we didn’t see any elk. Plenty of goats (antelope) and mulies, but no elk.

    • Pine_Tree

      She also made me quit saying “look, another Subaru”.

      The number of them was truly astonishing. One of them at least had a sticker on the back that said something like “I am NOT the typical Subaru driver”.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Subarus have become a running joke with Mrs. Holiness.

        1) she swears we are not pronouncing it correctly.
        2) when I told her that only lesbians drove them, she scoffed and now points out any Subarus driven by men as definitive proof that I am once again wrong about everything.

  25. Muzzled Woodchipper

    So I have an idea for Elon….

    He’s already given us a great gift when he bought Twitter. We know he gives gobs of money to things he believes in.

    How about a couple hundred million dollars to secure flight and permanent visas for any liberal that wants it, to any country they’d like to flee to, with the caveat that they renounce their US citizenship.

    This could be the largest bit of charity in the history of the world.

    • Mad Scientist

      An all expenses paid helicopter ride out of the country?

    • SugarFree

      You’d think he’d throw a lot of money into getting the rest of the Afrikaners out before the country turns into Rwanda (well, moreso than it already has.)

      • slumbrew

        Point of order:

        As my friend from SA took paints to point out, not all white South Africans are Afrikaners (nor is Musk).

        And it’s just not the Afrikaners who should GTFO.

      • SugarFree

        OK, fine. I just didn’t want to just say White people. Happy now? Are you happy?

        I’ll be in my AngryDome.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Arguing about these fine points of nomenclature is Boering.

      • slumbrew

        I’m just happy you let me slide on the typo.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Wouldn’t it be better to have the plane take off, fly over the ocean and then open the trick floor and dump all the liberals into the drink?

      He could then use AI to mimic the ex-liberals and send positive emails and texts to their buddies. Lure the hesitant liberals into taking the offer up too.

      It would also prevent the targeted countries from hating us.

    • EvilSheldon

      Expecting Progressives to live up to their own ideals? Have you really thought this through?

    • SDF-7

      Answer: “All of us.”

  26. Brochettaward

    If you’re a football fan, you may appreciate this. I laughed.

    “I know what you’re thinkin’, there, Kyle. And I know where that path leads,” said Jud Crandall, voice low and rough.
    Kyle Shanahan gripped the shovel tighter. His knuckles were white. His face looked like a man who hadn’t slept since September.
    “You’re thinkin’ your boys are droppin’ like flies,” Jud went on. “You’re thinkin’ maybe you need an edge. A way to bring back what you lost. But listen to me, Kyle, and listen close. You got a locker room full of great livin’ players. You don’t need to go diggin’ up the past just ‘cause you got your ass handed to you by the Buccaneers.”
    Shanahan didn’t answer. His eyes flicked toward the woods, that dark line where the trees stood like sentinels. The path was there. He’d seen where it led when Jud took him up a few nights ago. The Pet Semetary. Where the ground went sour.
    He thought of Fred Warner. Of Bosa. Of Aiyuk and Purdy and the others who wouldn’t suit up again next weekend. He thought of the cat Jud showed him, the one that came back wrong.
    “You don’t know what I’m thinkin’, Jud,” Kyle muttered. “You ain’t walked in my shoes. You ain’t watched men go down and stay down. You ain’t had to face the Falcons next week with half a defense.”
    Jud took a step closer. “Now you listen to me, Kyle, and you listen hard. Fred and Nick were great players. All-Pro. But they ain’t here no more, you hear? And no Pet Semetary’s gonna bring ‘em back the way they were.”
    Shanahan’s eyes burned holes into that dark path.
    Jud sighed. “You think you’re the first coach to get that itch? Bruce Arians tried the same damn thing down in Tampa. Thought he’d make the ultimate comeback roster. Brought back Brady, brought back Gronk… hell, they even got Antonio Brown to behave for a month or two. But Bruce got greedy. He walked up that same cursed path and buried Hernandez up there.”
    Jud paused, shaking his head. “Now, that boy was stabby before, but what came back outta that ground was real stabby. I’m tellin’ ya, Kyle… what goes in the ground up there ain’t what comes back out. Bosa was racist before… What do you think he’s gonna come back as?”
    Shanahan swallowed, still staring. The forest seemed to whisper to him.
    “I could get ‘em back,” Kyle whispered. “The defense. The chemistry. The locker room.”
    Jud put a hand on his shoulder.
    “They’re gone, Kyle. And sometimes…” He looked toward the woods, where something unseen rustled against the branches. “…Dead is better.”
    Shanahan didn’t move. The wind picked up, carrying faint echoes from the Semetary, the low growl of cleats scraping dirt, the hollow thud of shoulder pads bumping in the dark.
    Jud turned and stepped back toward their homes.
    “The person you bury up there ain’t the one that comes back. Might look like ‘em. Might even run a 4.4 again. But whatever comes back down that field… it ain’t human, Kyle. And no scheme on Earth can coach the evil outta what’s buried up there.”

    • slumbrew

      “Now, that boy was stabby before, but what came back outta that ground was real stabby.

      *thunderous applause*

    • Pope Jimbo

      “The person you bury up there ain’t the one that comes back. Might look like ‘em. Might even run a 4.4 again. But whatever comes back down that field… it ain’t human, Kyle. And no scheme on Earth can coach the evil outta what’s buried up there.”

      Pay them no mind! Go ahead and get Kirk Cousins. All you have to do is pick up is bloated contract.

      He’ll do great and you’ll look like a genius. Until he throws a 8 yard out on 4th and 15. On the last gasp drive at the end of the game.

    • Brochettaward

      It’s politically motivated. Unlike everything Obama did during the shutdowns.

      The executive branch doesn’t derive its powers from the President or anything crazy like that. They don’t serve at his pleasure. There’s unions and all kinds of bullshit laws about this.