There lived in a town most hideous
A man by the name of Phineas
His pheromones were so fearsome
They drew all the ladies, even the winsome
To accept the root and seed of Phineas
Who was a loathsome man, so perfidious
He left them gibbering and dumb
And always, always quite full of cum
It came that Warty heard of his prowess
His power over the ladies seemed so boundless
And Warty himself did so want this
From his thoughts he could not dismiss
So he arranged a meeting with this Phineas
And in the planning Warty was quite punctilious
He would take if Phineas would not give
Even if Pheromonious Phineas became combative
“You there,” Warty bellowed. “Stooped Phineas.
“I find your body odd and your manner curious.
“Tell me how you make the ladies clamor,
“For such a tiny man devoid of any glamour.”
“I know you, Warty,” said Phineas
“A pervert of space and time, most mysterious,
“I shall never tell you my secret,
“Not for all the hairless virgins in Egypt!”
“Then I shall beat and thrash you most vigorous
“Until I know how you make ladies so libidinous!”
Phineas just laughed and produced weapons
“Warty, damned Warty… I shall blow you to the heavens!”
Warty unsheathed his Doomcock, evil and obsidious
“You shall pay for your words so invidious, Phineas!
“Flee, little man, so that I might chase!
“In you I will carve a way to get to third base!”
Phineas threw out his pheromones
And the ladies of his town let out moans
Lust turned them into Meanads
That demanded Warty’s swollen gonads
Phineas whipped them into a mob
To cover his retreat and weapon lob
“Grenade!” he cried, “It’s a killer!”
Warty batted it away, and vaulted a pillar
“I will rend your glands,” Warty growled
“I will render your body befouled!”
Fury settled on the women
As the air filled with fresh lemon
“Do you like my signature scent?”
Pheneas asked, “It manufactures consent!”
“Oh, Phineas!” the ladies screamed
The were gripped by rage undreamed
The townswomen swarmed Warty Hugeman
And he threw two of them into a trashcan
“I’m sorry, ladies,” Warty did call
“You were too fat for me, after all!”
A hot one attacked, mouth filled with cries
Quite beautiful but for her bulging eyes
“I would have enjoyed your charms,”
Warty lamented, as he broke her arms
But one broke Phinaes’ spell and rejoiced
“Oh, Warty, you have made me so moist!”
More women began to fall
For Warty’s muscles, and ceased to brawl
“Warty! Oh, Warty!” they said as one
“With Phineas we are wholly done!
“Take us, Hugeman, Phineas we abjure
“Handome manliness brought us a cure!”
“Run, little Phineas!” Warty called
“You are short, ugly, and bald!
“I have broke your spell and here will dwell
“In your town of ladies tamed by my smell.”
Phineas cursed the heavens, “Hugeman!
“I shall return, smellier than ever and tan!”
But the flying Doomcock caught him then
And pieces of Phineas spread over the glen
“Gather them,” Warty commanded
“The chunks of Phineas that landed
“Let them be defiled by howling dogs
“And burn what you don’t feed to hogs!”
Any woman who over Phineas wept
Warty judged to be unkempt
And withheld his Huge affections
Denying them his Doomcockly erections
Bravo!
“You are short, ugly, and bald!
Is he a city planner in Lowell?
I’m pretty sure joe is dead.
Really?
You can only drink so much Democrat cum before it becomes fatal.
(I have no idea, I was just making a joke. But someone figured out his real name, but I can’t remember it to do some searching.)
Does this mark a return to the WartyVerse (Hugemanosphere?) If so, this calls for a celebration!
I’ve had some trouble writing them, sort of exhausted of ideas, lots of false starts. I’m going back to them to hopefully finish them.
All part of a push to write more, esp since the death of Subaru Horror Theatre, which I had so much fun with.
I’ll be keeping my eyes open.
You might find this interesting – my 80-year-old Irish Catholic mother, who could serve high tea to the King of England on thirty minutes’ notice, finds your stories hilariously funny.
That pleases me greatly.
😮
How did she get introduced to them? What are you subjecting that poor woman to?
By the way, OMWC having his hag paramour read a couple of of works is how I was dubbed a “Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist.”
She called you a comedian?
She birthed and raised me. She’s familiar with horror and disgust.
SF:
“Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist.”
Those are a lot of big words for a kid…
“Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist.”
We didn’t start the patriarchy
It was always rulin’
since the world’s been turnin’
I have a secret. Older women usually really. The hag paramour hated me at the annual Glibs pilgrimage, bristled with hostility, and was completely immune to my dubious charms.
“Hag paramour”. Larf. Perfect description of feminists I work with that are over sixty and still trying to date and blame all their problems on men.
Maybe leading with “hag” set her off.
He should have went with wench.
No, she was too old to be a wench. She was firmly in the hag stage of leftist Boomerism.
I had no idea OMWC was Scottish. I’m assuming he is based on his predilection for eating hag-is.
Ah, my life has too long been devoid of Warty.
<===
The joke flew under your head?
Well, that was…something.
Bravo!
Where did the art come from? Is that AI in the style of Suess?
Yes. I’ve never been much for visual art. jesse.in.mb helped with the prompts.
“Do you like my signature scent?”
Pheneas asked, “It manufactures consent!”
Does it smell like $100 bills?
“And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.”
there are times one is given to think literacy was a mistake
But since you did choose to learn to read…
Read *English,* even!! Cultural Appropriation, decisively of the *wrong* sort!
Fly, fly, little starling. Straight to some Euro hotties. I’ve got Hugecockian scents to export, inject, (extract?). Your virginal market seeks exploration.
But what about the Spanberger’s?
I’m pretty sure that Abby is the one in the green dress…
If government workers couldn’t vote we wouldn’t have such an awful candidate in VA.
In 4 years you could have Vindman.
If ever there was a parable for our time, this is it. Bravo.
Third illustration, what do you think that blob of pink on the side of Warty’s head is?
It just kept popping up and it was impossible to prompt it out on that one. On the original renders of the 4th image, his entire hair was pink and wrinkled so it looked like someone had sawn off the top of his skull.
And no AI would render the Doomcock as a penis, the best I could get was the oblong menacing the town.
Daaaaaamn. Well fucking done. Privileged, are we. My highlights:
Warty unsheathed his Doomcock, evil and obsidious
“You shall pay for your words so invidious, Phineas!
“Flee, little man, so that I might chase!
“In you I will carve a way to get to third base!”
—
That’s just funny, right there, and:
“Do you like my signature scent?”
Pheneas asked, “It manufactures consent!”
“Oh, Phineas!” the ladies screamed
The were gripped by rage undreamed
—
Would spritz. Much fawning.
And that ending? *mwah (but not on his his Hugeness with cock-a-giggity delight)*
Shameful
As I watched a gray Volvo excavator tear down part of the historic White House East Wing on Monday afternoon, I thought about how perfectly that act of needless, wasteful, self-aggrandizing destruction summed up President Trump’s first 10 months in office.
A Volvo excavator? WTF? That should be a 100% American Caterpillar machine tearing down the White House.
Do Perkins engines count as US or UK?
Trump is known to grab them by the Volvo
heh
The next D president should remove the expansion.
Stimulus!
Break those windows!
This expansion is being funded by donations. If they tore it down using tax money, that would be totally on script.
I wonder how the writer felt about Truman’s the gutting of the interior to rebuild it.
Just fantastic SugarFree. Made my day, as you usually do.
*blinks*
I’m not qualified, but I’m trying to pick out how many literary devices you used. I think I’ve got three. (Mo?)
Also, Doomcockly made me chortle and stare at the screen at the same time.
I don’t know why, but I always misread in my head Warty Hugeman as Marty Hugman. Whatever.
Also also, the illustrations are fantastic.
But Warty would be closer to Morty than Marty.
True, Mr. Imprudent. That’s just how the old noggin works. I probably don’t want to know why.
Wow those illustrations. Right down to the yellowing paper and the borders.
Needs more price supports
President Donald Trump on Wednesday said U.S. cattle ranchers “don’t understand” how they have benefitted from his tariffs, adding that they “have to get their prices down.”
The admonition came after some ranchers have openly criticized Trump’s proposal to import beef from Argentina in order to bring down prices for American consumers.
According to something the other day, the cattle herd is smaller than it has been in decades.
Why does Trump hate farmers?
Thunderous applause!!!!
Trump told reporters on Sunday that his administration is “thinking about doing” a deal with Argentina in which “we would buy some beef” from the South American nation.
“If we do that, that will bring our beef prices down,” he said.
The comments drew swift rebukes from U.S. cattle ranchers.
The National Cattlemen’s Beef Association said in a press release Monday that its farmers and ranchers “are concerned that rewarding Argentina with this expanded access to the U.S. market harms American cattlemen and women, while also interfering with the free market.”
We all know what a bunch of fanatical free marketeers those farmers are.
9 months into the Rule of Orange.
It’s been a mixed bag of progress in some areas and delays in others. But the trend is far, far better than it was in the prior 48 months.
To revisit the phone call with my mom… she and the rest of the left are lying awake at night worried about that dictator, while I sleep soundly. Being libertarian-ish, I’ve never even remotely gotten what I want from a president. Now it’s finally my turn. And if someone else is butt-hurt about it, so be it.
I understand this, but GM isn’t Apple or Tesla. Tesla is a tech company that happens to make cars. GM wants to own its tech stack and not be beholden to it’s suppliers for things customers directly interact with.
OTH, GM is a car company that assembles cars from specialist suppliers. Original technology is not a core competency. This will not go well.
GM will ditch Apple CarPlay and Android Auto on all its cars, not just EVs
https://www.theverge.com/transportation/804562/gm-apple-carplay-android-auto-gas-cars-mary-barra
Please, please tell me they’re ripping out apple/android and replacing it with . . . . nothing. Bring back physical controls and simple systems.
Oh far from it. They are making their own system! And will probably charge a subscription!
Way to go, GM.
I refuse to buy any vehicle manufactured from 2020 onwards. I truly hate the fucking technology they are putting into cars today. The dealer gave me a loaner for the weekend (a 2025 Crosstrek). I left it parked the whole weekend and didn’t drive it until it was time to pick up my own car.
360 degree cameras are sweet though.
I love the 360 cameras, smart enough to tell me without forcing it with driver assist
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You’re funny.
RJ:
That’s the dream. Sell a subscription to your car radio, or GPS. Or door locks.
So many revenue streams are there for the taking in our Brave New World.
Those old car manufacturers were so stupid just selling you a car and then not making any more money off you! I can’t even.
We have a similar problem in Aviation with the Garmin G1000 ecosystem. the OEM’s have always felt, once it left the factory, it wasn’t their problem.. and if you didn’t like the Avionics, you could update/replace them.
With the G1000 it was part of the Type Certificate, and software updates had to be blessed by the OEM.. who weren’t in the business of providing features or updates to old planes.
Even if garmin released the software, fixed issues, and added new features, you couldn’t access them unless the OEM paid money and included them.
We just worked around an issue this year where you would load the latest Mooney software, but tell it.. hey load this Cirrus feature… oh it loaded .. nice. We knew the software was there.. but the config files are controlled by the OEMs.
https://www.thedrive.com/news/cadillac-will-have-you-watching-movies-behind-the-wheel-by-2028
Related.
I already don’t buy GM. No need to add another reason.
Uffda. I used to work for a large German company that was heavily involved in the auto industry.
I’ve been to multiple meetings (2015-2018) with all the big car companies to talk about how they could come up with their own in-car system. The dream is that they can come up with such a great system that it will lock in customers forever. I was there to pitch the idea to them that of course they can, they just need to hire us to help their dream come true.
All of us at our company knew that it was a fantastically stupid idea, but if these companies were determined to throw their money down a rathole, it might as well be our rathole.
We’d tell them that it was a great idea to try to build hardware/software into your car (that gets replaced every 10 years?) that has to compete with phones (that get replaced every 2 years?). It just has to be killer apps. Everyone knows the secret to a killer app is tons and tons of billable hours.
Sane companies would simply get rid of all their entertainment packages and replace it with a usb docking station for a phone. Let the phone app devs write stuff to utilize speakers and other stuff in the car. Maybe have a big screen.
Also OEMs feel that once the car is sold.. it is not their problem. upgrades (nope, buy a new car) are non existent.
you would think that they would have the statistics… what % uese the native nav vs carplay andriod?… 5%? oh we just have to be better?… not possible, say hello to the NTSB.. apple? android? not in that cycle.
Tesla is fighting this as well (no carplay) and only their platform superiority keeps people from revolting. If nothing else just allow a “mount another screen here—– not in the perfect position but catplay/android.. (for extra $$).
Just give me simple bluetooth audio.
15 or so years ago, I did a presentation to one of the largest departments in the company (responsible for one of the most expensive products we develop). I told them they should give up developing new features for the product, because they could never compete with the iPad. I said our focus should be on convincing the OEM that they needed to allocate space to dock an iPad and then standardize on a data exchange protocol.
I did not win many friends or influence many people that day.
Mossy:
Over the air updates are problematic as hell. It is one thing if you brick a IoT temperature gauge, but if you fuck up and brick thousands of cars you are truly fucked.
If I was an OEM, I’d be terrified to do an OTA update. I’d be relying on the rest of the GM system to perform flawlessly, then the user to not fuck things somehow.
I’m not going to force OTA updates… I was just suggesting to keep their ecosystem, but allow you to mount another screen over *here* for the carplay/android services if they think they are better.
I still have a software bug with my 2017 Rover.. I can’t find a topix document that covers it.. and the dealer won’t update software unless I can point to a specific document that says I have this problem.. they won’t do “give me the latest software”
GM has been happy to brick cars with their updates and then wash their hands when the dealer wants the customer to pay for an out of warranty repair to unbrick it.
GM is also deluded by their success with OnStar.
OnStar subscriptions aren’t successful at all, but GM has made bank by selling data collected from their cars via OnStar to various 3rd parties. Even after your subscription runs out, OnStar keeps sending your data to GM. (At least they used to. I think there may have been a class action law suit).
I’m sure that GM envisions some in-car solution where they can create a revenue stream from showing ads to drivers/passengers or selling data from that new solution to 3rd parties.
Subscribe for ad-free driving.
Only 2 cents per mile!
Rat:
Chump change.
Selling location data, driving habits, etc. to a 3rd party is where the real money is. (of course the govt will get all this data too, but for free)
They will also build in a “heartbeat” into the solution. If the car is unable to send its data in (dead heartbeat) it will disable the car. No privacy for you. Will be the same code that allows the govt to remotely turn off a car.
GM already blew themselves up when they driving data to vendors that used it for personal automobile insurance rating.
Basically they made the opt out incredibly cryptic and pretended they didn’t know it was a problem. They got two NYT business front page stories out of that plus a class action lawsuit.
They stopped providing data and so did a bunch of other auto companies that used the same data vendor.
Ooh! I’ve got a related one! Company uses the onboard connected vehicle services for telematics including gps tracking for company owned fleet. And all of that can be disabled by the driver opting out of locations services in the dash preferences. 🤦♂️
GM is an insurance and financial services company with a sideline business in auto manufacturing.
Thanks, but Tres’s place is around the corner.
https://youtu.be/5Evj7MNJXLc