“Shake his hand, John,” Lump whispered. “We will need somewhere to go after the lunatics in the party drives us off.”
“What if Gisele finds out?” John asked.
“What, is she going to somehow hate you more?”
The State of the Union scrum was loud and people surged around the President.
“Dammit, Donald,” the hair said as people, “You messed up the Iryna Zarutska line.”
“Yeah,” the hat said. “She was not killed by an immigrant, a Tourette’s word killed her. She was the immigrant.”
They could both hear him through the roar of the crowd. “But we don’t like immigrants,” Donald said, baffled as to why they were mad.
“No, she was a good immigrant, White and pretty, we’ll take in as many of those as we can get,” the hat said. “And some of the thinner Latinas.”
“What? You love the big booty,” the hair said.
“All women are in a race to get fat, you want to have the starting line as far away from the finish line as possible,” the hat said.
“Christ, that’s offensive even for you,” the hair said.
“Don’t get your follicular panties in a wad.”
Like the Titanic and the iceberg, both John and Donald drifted toward destiny.
Donald held out his hand to John.
“Shake it, John!” Lump said, quivering in his mind. “He has someone like me! Touch him! I MUST KNOW THEM.”
As John and Donald hands touched, there was a spark, a moment of frission, and darkness descended.
The hat and the hair found themselves in an endless, featureless void.
“What the fuck just happened?” the hat asked. The hair, in mute horror, pointed with a tendril at the pulsating meat blob that appeared before him.
“I’ve wanted to meet someone like me for a long time, gentleman,” Lump said in a smooth and cultured voice.
“Do you hear it talking too?” the hat asked the hair.
“We don’t have much time, gentlemen,” Lump said. “As to where you are, we all three are in a situational generated space I have made with my mind. I have slowed time but I cannot stop it. This space will only exist as long as Donald and John are touching.”
“Cool,” the hair said. “I wish I could do this.”
“I am a being of pure mind–you are of the physical world, I envy you as well,” Lump said.
“Are you gay?” the hat asked. “Because you sound gay.”
“I am beyond the pleasures of the flesh.”
“Well la-di-da,” the hat said.
“Stop being an asshole for just one second,” the hair said.
“Asshole is my brand,” the hat snapped.
“Please,” Lump said. “I have longed to meet someone like me for so long,” Lump said. “I get lonely.”
“But you have John, yes?” the hair asked.
“We are fully integrated now on a physical level; he is me and I am him, but we do maintain separate consciousnesses.”
“I understand,” the hair said. “Our kind do seem rare.”
“John Bolton talks to his mustache,” the hat said. “And Hunter talked to a giant rock of crack.”
“Amazing!” Lump said.
“And Hunter hid coke everywhere,” the hat chuckled. “It’s been a lot of fun.”
“We must meet again, we must know each other.”
“Hit me up in my DMs,” the hat said.
The Lump began to fade. “There is not enough time,” he said sadly.
“But we have so much to talk about!” the hair said.
“I know…” Lump said.
“You can read about our adventures in your local library!” the hair called after him.
The hat and the hair returned to the Capitol floor.
“I like him,” the hat as he watched John lumber away.
“And you don’t like anybody.”
“I like you, sometimes,” the hat said.
“Gay,” the hair said distantly.
The singularity is that much closer now.
This is not the singularity I was hoping for. This is much higher in Eldritch horror and much lower in cheap energy.
“Stop being an asshole for just one second,” the hair said.
As if.
Putting EPIC in the title, in all caps, is setting a high bar. But once again SF delivers.
It is exquisite.
“No, she was a good immigrant, White and pretty, we’ll take in as many of those as we can get,” the hat said. “And some of the thinner Latinas.”
“What? You love the big booty,” the hair said.
“All women are in a race to get fat, you want to have the starting line as far away from the finish line as possible,” the hat said.
“Christ, that’s offensive even for you,” the hair said.
Beautiful
Inappropriate. And insightful.
Of course the Hat and Hair (and Lump) is inappropriate.
Irreverence is highly underrated.
…and…
“All women are in a race to get fat, you want to have the starting line as far away from the finish line as possible,” <— I am stealing that
The Hat speaks wisdom.
No all women
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rOEf9vF1kc
You mean like Karen Carpenter?
This episode was not just awesome, it was awesome on a fractal level. Every arbitrarily small part of this episode was just as awesome as the episode as a whole.
gay
Thank you for putting the two best lines adjacent so I didn’t need to make two sets of blockquote tags.
John and Donald drifted toward destiny.
President Lurch?
I wonder how long cached crack would remain before it was discovered and stolen by the staff.
Red Squirrels have been known to cache so much food that it takes generations (of Squirrels) to deplete it.
It might be that there’s so much squirrelled away that the staff hasn’t depleted it all.
Seems out of character for the Hat to admit to liking the Hair sometimes.
Oh, c’mon, that much hatred makes it obvious that the Hat is gay for the Hair. Or whatever the appropriate term is for their attraction.
Maybe they’re shipping out together?
I mean, the hair regularly ends up inside the hat, so I just assumed it was known.
Docking?
They’re just a bitchy old couple. Of course they still love each other.
Leave me and my wife out of this
My wife and I
Hype’s married?
I believe kinnath is correct. You wouldn’t say, “Leave I out of it ”
Well, maybe YOU would.
(you) leave me out of this.
I choose to go with the colloquial me and my wife on purpose.
Hype took the bait and then added his own failure on top of it.
Nope.
“My wife and me.”
Because you wouldn’t say, “Leave I out of this.”
The cops don’t have to protect you.
The post office doesn’t have to deliver your mail. https://www.northernnewsnow.com/2026/02/24/you-cant-sue-postal-service-even-if-mail-is-intentionally-not-delivered-supreme-court-rules/
What are my taxes paying for?
Slate was hyperventilating today talking about how the government (i.e. Trump) would use this to corrupt the mail-in voting in the next election.
I hope so Kinnath.
Oh noes one less way to cheat
The post office folks are union. If they are going to put their thumb on the scale, it won’t be to help the Republican party.
The author is merely predicting the outcome of 2026 and beyond federal elections.
Semi government union.
Double plus good.
Not being in jail.
Correct.
On what legal theory? You paid for a service, the service should be performed. Unless they’re no longer charging postage and just going off the general fund.
On the legal grounds of peasants may not question the King! Now get back to your hut and starve until spring!
Votes.
Your taxes are for buying votes.
FDR and LBJ are laughing in hell.
What are you paying taxes for……y’all are hilarious.
Argle bargle beepidy bloop social contract wheeeeee!
“All women are in a race to get fat, you want to have the starting line as far away from the finish line as possible,”
a hat of culture
Thankfully mine wandered away from the starting block before the gun went off. She’s thinner now then when she graduated high school (and she was thin then).
“Asshole is my brand,” the hat snapped.
relatable
Friend in middle school had one of these in the kitchen.
https://x.com/itsme_urstruly/status/2026711716558680149?s=20
Even at that point I thought it rocked.
The only problem is that it appears a bit small.
But I could live with that.
Most of the time modern ovens are cooking with massive dead space (a primitive attempt at convection). This just does away with the dead space.
If my pans don’t fit in the space, it’s dead space.
My big leCrucet pans wouldn’t fit.
Granted most of what we do these days is a lodge skillet on the stovetop.
That is an especially nice one.
My mom had an electric one that was similar and of the same vintage to that when my parents were building their house. It had the recessed boiler but not the fryer but the bacon is in. Probably a little newer than that as it had buttons if I recall.
So glad to hear from Lump for a moment. I miss Lump.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pr7ZEu3uF80
She might be dead…
Now you have gone and summoned Alice Cooper.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JwFE9tkq4KM
Amazeballs.
A recent study found that giving men a pay raise led them to have more children, while giving women a pay raise led them to have fewer children.
In other news, water is wet.
https://x.com/MoreBirths/status/2026093209172992040
Yep.
Duh.
Two incomes make life OK.
One to pay for life, the other to pay for taxes, the cost of going to work and childcare.
This is a very sad state. The destruction of the family is directly attributable to 2 incomes.
The destruction of the family is directly attributable to 2 incomes.
Not sure I agree with this.
The prioritization of possessions over family lead to the destruction of the family.
Dual incomes were an enabler of chasing possessions. . . in some cases.
In other cases, it was about survival.
My wife and I both worked and still managed to maintain a family.
It’s been known since late Republican Roman times, when the optimate (Senatorial) class was having so much trouble keeping family lines alive they started adopting the sons of equestrians (knights) wholesale. Because their wives preferred not to have children (or in many cases did not marry at all). It didn’t matter in the days when wealthy women were an insignificant fraction of the populace. But today in Western Civ, where a large proportion of women now fall under that category (even if they don’t feel that they are wealthy, which they certainly are compared to yesteryear), it’s a huge problem.
I know a few couples where both work full time, but the women out earn the men.
Having that kind of career makes pregnancy and childbirth very much a juggling act.
Having that kind of career makes pregnancy and childbirth very much a juggling act.
Yep. On an individual level, so long as they aren’t bitching about having to make a choice on their priorities, more power to them. You’re not required, as a person, to prioritize family over work.
On a cultural and societal level, I think we do waaaaaaay to much to incentivize this girlboss lifestyle and waaaaaaay too little to incentivize making and raising kids. Much of the immigration nonsense is downstream of this.
My wife has ALWAYS significantly out-earned me. To the point where being a stay-at-home-dad was the best option.
It requires a lot of sacrifice, and not only in the younger years. Even now that the youngest is old enough to only need me as his personal uber, finding a decent job at 50 years old and with little experience, and none in a “career”, is incredibly hard. My education means little to nothing. To say that I’m often frustrated would be an understatement.
My wife has always out earned me. I came really close for a while, but never passed her.
We had 2 kids and would have had more if not for some pregnancy difficulties.
came across the word ‘stot’ in a book & didn’t know what it meant so i looked it up and the definition said ‘another word for pronk.’ am i having a stroke?
https://x.com/apocryphaI/status/2026002423559471427
My life is better now that I have looked up those words.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/HB89SDhWYAAcJ1I?format=jpg&name=900×900
I’ve seen foxes do this while hunting.
Hopefully not if they’re at work. Lett Jeffrey Toobin be a cautionary tale.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDhzCIi0_wA
Of course I can’t find the one I’m looking for.
Where Wiki isn’t lying (confirmed what I was originally going to post)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stotting
Huh, I like the proposed motivation.
“Bitch, check out my vert! You ain’t gonna catch me without half killing yourself!”
Mule deer pronk.
I have a section on one of my blogs where I write about pronking mule deer, but I need to do some major surgery to revive that particular (as well as my madlibertarianguy) blog. Neither are viewable at this point.
Pronking mule deer needs to come up in Hat and Hair now.
This time for sure!
Congress has moved closer to passing a broader law designed to increase the supply of homes to make housing cheaper — which, if it became law, would likely stand as Warren’s biggest legislative achievement. Her bill with Senate Banking Chair Tim Scott (R-S.C.) already garnered unanimous support in the upper chamber as an amendment and is expected to get a vote on the Senate floor in the coming weeks.
The rabbit is in the hat. He just needs to be coaxed out.
David Burge
@iowahawkblog
The parts written in Dutch make more sense than the parts written in groyper tard talk
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/HBynwy9W4AAzkeI?format=jpg&name=900×900
Another scalp
Larry Summers, the former U.S. Treasury secretary who has been dogged by his past friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, announced Wednesday that he will resign from teaching at Harvard University by the end of the current academic year.
Summers previously served as president of Harvard.
His resignation came as the university was conducting a review of emails and other documents detailing Summers’ connection to Epstein, which were released in recent months by the Department of Justice and Congress.
——-
“Free of formal responsibility, as President Emeritus and a retired professor, I look forward in time to engaging in research, analysis, and commentary on a range of global economic issues,” he said.
Now he will be free to indulge his most misogynist impulses.
I didn’t know he had recovered from the unforgivable sin of reporting
“There is relatively clear evidence that whatever the difference in means—which can be debated—there is a difference in the standard deviation and variability of a male and female population,”
I guess like Toobin, he was just given a time out.
Straight to jail.
Right away.
No trial.
https://x.com/LibertyJen/status/2026419269878366231
Thoughts?
Death by slow slicing.
That is some sick depravity right there.
QFT
People are allowed to devalue their property as they wish…
Many years from now there will be a “revealing the original woodwork” video.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!
JFC
The wood was okay…but have at, its your property.
So the room as it was, was pretty bad. The stain on the wood was way too dark, and that awful popcorn-with-fake-exposed-beams ceiling was extremely tacky.
The solution was to sandblast all the wood and refinish it with maybe a pickled oak stain, tear out the fake beams, and scrape and repaint the ceiling.
The solution was not to whitewash everything.
If you just can’t stand the natural wood, rip it out and sell the dry aged boards to a musical instrument maker or something, and build your Scandinavian-minimalist prison cell from the drywall out….
I’m surprised they managed to not paint over the brick as well.
Reminds me of what happens to Jerry Pronellies house after he died.
I’m of two minds on this.
1. WTF did they do. Hang by the neck until dead.
2. It was an ugly color and too dark.
========
HOWEVER:
a. The end result is bland, but it’s nice. They did a good job.
b. EvilSheldon is correct as to the appropriate course of action.
In November, when he went on leave from Harvard and resigned from the board of the artificial intelligence company OpenAI, Summers said, “I am deeply ashamed of my actions and recognize the pain they have caused. I take full responsibility for my misguided decision to continue communicating with Mr. Epstein.”
Redemption and forgiveness are tricks to lure you into the thrall of Beelzebub.
“Communicating with”
Evolution Of Knight’s Armour – A Guide For Americans
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg4JMBbuHKk
Why should I listen to a guy who can’t even spell “armor?”
It requires a lot of sacrifice, and not only in the younger years. Even now that the youngest is old enough to only need me as his personal uber, finding a decent job at 50 years old and with little experience, and none in a “career”, is incredibly hard. My education means little to nothing. To say that I’m often frustrated would be an understatement.
A fabulous and highly rewarding career as an influencer beckons.
Night shift at a gas station or Amazon.
Only Fans.
I’m not pretty enough.
But that probably dosent matter.
Rule 34
Pavlov’s dog whistle
At multiple moments during his speech, Trump appeared to relish opportunities to draw Democrats in attendance into heated exchanges.
“You people are crazy,” he said at one point, prompting some Democrats in the room to heckle him in return.
You can’t very well expect them not to bark.
Considering all it takes is an innocuous statement like “Men aren’t women” to draw Democrats into a heated exchange, and that the author of this quote would almost certainly agree, means that he’s said nothing at all.
He could just as easily have said. “It was a terrible speech because Trump spoke.”
Ivan IV gave the state of the union address?
He might as well have.
“I have that within which passes show, these but the trappings and the suits of woe.”
I’ve run across that somewhere before. Must look up.
The Bard. It’s been a while. No Shakespearean scholar am I.
Alsp: Loved the return of Fetterlump and his oddly shaped bald head.
Google says Hamlet