“You send me ova there and ah’ll take care of him for ya,” Lindsey drawled. The Oval Office was warm, uncomfortably close, and the man’s lilac scent was a cloying miasma.
Donald nodded, resting his head on his hands, squinting at the Senator. He had no idea of what Lindsey was talking about.
“He’s gay and one-legged,” Lindsey said dreamily. “Not as dark as I like ‘em but I can make it work.” He patted his crotch like a faithful pet.
“Bloody fucken ‘ell!’ the hat said in a Cockney accent.
“Send me up against this Ayatollah Mojtaba and I’ll take him, seduce him with my wiles,” Lindsey said, turning sideways and making kissy-kissy noises.
“Foreign policy is very complex,” the hair whispered to Donald.
“Foreign policy is berry complex,” Donald repeated.
“Yes, Mr. President,” Lindsey said. “Wait, did you say ‘berry complex?’”
“No, I didn’t,” Donald said.
“Father!” Barron cried, rushing into the room. The young man saw Lindsey, turned, and then ran from the room.
“Smart boy,” the hair observed.
“We done raised that boy right,” the hat replied, mimicking Lindsey’s drawl, adding a touch of meth-neck.
“What’s with the accents?”
“I just try things out,” the hat said in thick movie Russian.
“That’s a fine boy you got there,” Lindsey said. The hair growled at him.
“Now this Mojito fella, like ah said, he ain’t as dark as ah like’em,” Lindsey continued. “Give me a big Black buck any day, smooth chocolate skin, strong, hung lika horse.”
“Can we get this freak out of here?” the hat asked, a Maine ayuh inflecting, infecting.
“Ah can take ‘em big, you know,” Lindsey said, leaning in, the scent of lilacs making the hair sneeze. “You know what an anal fissure is? The doctas say ah have an anal crevasse.”
“I didn’t want to know that,” the hat moaned, accent forgotten.
“I’m loose. I just farted. You’d never know iffa didn’t tell you. Quiet,” Lindsey said.
“How soon can you deploy?” Donald asked.
“Ah can get onna plane right now,” Lindsey said, leering. “My crevasse is ready to serve my country!”
“You can parachute him right into Tehran,” the hat told Donald.
“Yes, yes,” Donald said, “that is a good plan.”
“Can we not give him a parachute?” the hair asked.
“That one-legged sonuvbitch can’t even run away,” Lindsey said. “Give me ah MAGA hat,” he said, “Ah’ll get a pitcher of him wearing it after I drain him like a Capri Sun.”
Donald took MAGA hat off his head and held it out to Lindsey.
“Not me, Donald!” the hat screamed. “Give him another hat! There are plenty of hats! I don’t want to go to another Persia ass-fest!”
“CRIKEY!” the hair yelped.
Donald took MAGA hat off his head and held it out to Lindsey.
Hardcore.
So, the hat has been to a previous Persia ass-fest? Perhaps back in his turban days?
HOW DARE YOU! Two! Two posts about how turbans are not hats!
Oh, sorry.
Back in his chador days, then.
*Editor’s note: The hat was not sent to Tehran because he has bad knees. A stunt double hat was sent in his stead. That hat did not return.
All gave some, some gave all.
Some got some…
I see SF is back to writing horror.
Sending Graham into Tehran by himself? Sounds like a fan service fair tale to me.
“I didn’t want to know that,” the hat moaned
Me neither.
So say we all.
What if we send that renowned patriot Liz Cheney to assist him?
Anal crevasse…
I’d say you need therapy but only because I hate most shrinks and like the idea of them catching your brain worms.
“Anal crevasse” is deeply funny.
Backside splittingly funny so to speak.
Was someone butthurt?
“the man’s lilac scent was a cloying miasma”
Nice shoutout to “The Maltese Falcon” movie where Sam Spade’s secretary describes Peter Lorre’s homosexual character as smelling of lilac.
SF is classy and literary and stuff.
The classics must be honored
“My crevasse is ready to serve my country!” <– Winner winner.
The entire country? Are we talking all at the same time here, or just the entire country in a row?
‘“I’m loose. I just farted. You’d never know iffa didn’t tell you. Quiet,” Lindsey said.”
Lemme tell y’all something. I can’t summon farts, but I can coordinate them. A party trick: I drum out “shave-and -a-haircut…” wait a few beats, and then propel out “THBBTH THBBBTH” for “TWO BITS!” Even liars who don’t like farts can’t stifle their laughter.
I can also make them whistle, but that requires the right blend of ammunition. People don’t have fun like I do. It’s there, waiting for you to play with it. Why not?! (See also: If you’re already smoking (particularly a pipe) why *not* learn to blow rings?) People can’t, don’t most likely cuz they’re un-fun people. They’re all ‘grown-up.’ Babies.
I only do this for my nephews. Not on a date. Combined? Ask OMWC. Def his style. Keeps ’em from writhing underneath the blankets.
LOL
DailyFail: “Inside the worst night of Timothee Chalamet’s life! Oscars afterparty snitches reveal cringing details of how stars stopped talking to him… a brutal message from Kylie’s gloating ex… and her ‘humiliating’ admission to friends”
All cuz he accurately said ballet is dying? Middle school Class President contest, Hollywood (and more). He’s good at his job. I haven’t seen Marty Supreme but apparently it’s well-done and fun. Dad marveled at Chalamet’s real ping-pong talent.
I don’t think Timothee Chalamet is in anyway his real name. (David Tennant’s actually McDonald!) Dammit. His father’s French. Well. Speaking of ballet, he has the most remarkably gay French name I can think of. Grand slam of gaydom.
I’d take him more seriously if he didn’t constantly behave like a pretentious douchebag in public.
He is a Franch Arteest. Pretentious douchebaggery is required by law.
He was born and raised in NYC – not all of them are douchbags.
If I had been involved with Dr. Whom, I would also hide my identity.
“Anne Hathaway’s secret facelift hack that actually works… and how you can do it yourself at home”
Use an axe!
Speaking of anal crevasses
A federal court injunction on Monday put a check on Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s rapid assault on U.S. vaccine recommendations, but months of turmoil and misinformation have sown doubt about vaccines that will be hard to reverse.
“The genie is out of the bottle. We’re going to have to live with that,” said Michael Osterholm, director of the University of Minnesota’s Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy.
The damage has been done, and you and your pals did it.
Pushing experimental vaccines, even mandating for some, while hiding their adverse effects and shielding liability, will do that.
That fucker is Foochi-tyrant wanna-be.
I remember my wife pointing me his way when the response to Covid started.
He started reasonable said flu vax is useless. Said flu and covid are both airborne thus masks are useless.
Then he got recruited to Biden’s Covid response panel and I assume pussied out. No idea if he’s recanted all his pre-March 2020 research and writings
“Assault on vaccine recommendations”. That’s some real neutral reporting there.
“In Monday’s ruling, U.S. District Judge Brian Murphy said most of Kennedy’s 15 hand-picked panel members appear “distinctly unqualified.” ”
I’m no constitutional scholar, but I don’t recall where it says some district judge has complete veto power over the other two branches.
How can a “legal scholar” determine medical qualifications ?
Oddly the principle involved is the same as the punchline I just explained below:
Trump Baaad!
Ask it what a woman is.
For those watching sumo, looks like Enho is getting it done! Out fucking standing! He’s been my favorite since I started putting names on the guys in diapers.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Sumo/comments/1rx109b/for_the_first_time_since_2023_enh%C5%8D_is_in_an/
Nairobi, Kenya, AP: “Making menstrual leave official: 2 paid days off a month for period pain” Can they get Fri and Mon off for their ordeal? Shroedinger’s Feminist: They’re fragile creatures who can’t be asked to carry a burden, and they can do everything better than men can. A remarkably sexist policy that wouldn’t dare discourage folk from hiring women! After all, they’ll be mandated to continue to hire as many, or even more!, women as before!
Let’s imagine I’d eventually get *my* two days off a month. (EQUALITY.) Maybe work a few out for a four-day weekend getaway, but I’m quite certain I’d use them for something Cubs-related. Go to a Tues or Wed game. Easier ticket. Cheaper. Ya see. My mental health requires, nay, demands, that I stay in-tune with my boys of summer.
Otherwise.. things’ll go awry. Kenya. It’s the extreme minor leagues of ‘shit the Brits wanna do and they’ll test it where there’s really no loss for them, nor any way of actually seeing if it ‘works.’
These people are really fucked. They actively sit and conspire this shit in order to maintain their jobs. (Seeking promotion.) Fuck.
E, thanks for your and others’ help yesterday with my not-quite flounce. I admire your “Excelsior!” spirit. Not going in for tattoos, I should commission a rubber bracelet. Merci encore.
Awww, thankee. But my pleasure.
(It’d take a lot for me to get a tattoo. ‘Wedding ring’ serious, and likely only that. If I killed something in active combat, that too. Well. I can get two birds stoned at once with that ’til death do us part’ part…’)
Female nurses and teachers have been working through that pain without crying for menstruation PTO.
Curious it’s new wave feminist, AWFL, laptop class type that can’t bear to sit at their desk job while on their period
No man has *ever* worked through pain, especially when they shouldn’t have! All that patriarchal, ultra-masculine, hard.. sweaty work.. through throbbing pains throughout.. moist abs glistening… None of that has *ever* been beneficial!… or appealing… arousing…
“I say this with a staunch history of heterosexuality… It looks fabulous.”
Doing the people’s business
Washington and Oregon officials now say it could cost more than $15 billion to replace the Interstate 5 Bridge between Portland and Vancouver and upgrade a five-mile segment of the freeway, a huge increase from the most recent estimate released in 2022.
The bridge replacement will likely cost between $13.5 billion and $15.2 billion, project officials say, with a likely cost of $14.4 billion. Four years ago, officials said the most likely cost was $6 billion.
Yet leaders have only secured $5.5 billion for the bridge replacement, leaving lawmakers from both Oregon and Washington wondering where they will find the money to complete the project, which is now not expected to be finished for two decades.
Put some windmills on it.
They have already spent billions planning and rejecting plans for the bridge.
The last one wasn’t designed tall enough for the ships that pass under it.
Vancouver didn’t want the Maxx train to come into Vancouver because they know that the train brought the Portland crooks with it. So that got axed.
It’s been going on for decades now. Lining pockets all the way.
Simple – take the funds from all of the environmental NGOs and agencies that would impede the rapid and inexpensive development. Cut the budget of any agency that tries to get in the way and move that money to the bridge project. When the bridge is done, give a bonus for coming in ahead of schedule and under budget, then redistribute the remaining funds to the net taxpayers in proportion to the amount paid.
WSDOT and ODOT are dead broke too.
They got flush with Covid cash then baked that into their budgets.
There is a small repaving project north of me that a union shop went on strike at the end of last summer and it’s still not finished, they timed their strike to last as long as the rest of paving season so that the highway would take more damage over the winter and cause as much resentment from drivers on Hwy 195 as possible.
WA and OR love the u ions though so they will get to keep the contract and any increased costs will be paid to them when the project starts back up.
And of course since it’s on the interstate it’s going to be prevailing wage and Union only contracting in WA/OR. Which will double labor cost and drag out the timeframe.
So what you’re saing is – the unions should be dissolved in acid.
Slow acting acid.
It’s Portlandia. They’ll probably put a bird on it.
“I can pickle that!”
Bicycle rights!!
Be funny if they tore one down and built half the other and then ran out of money.
I use the 205 bridge instead of I5, unless I’m headed to Astoria.
https://x.com/RonFilipkowski/status/2034061674643091515?s=20
OK, I LOL’d.
I don’t get it.
Trump got out of serving in Vietnam because he claims he had bone spurs.
I already knew that. I’m just having trouble identifying the joke part.
The punchline is Trump Baaaad, if that helps
🐏🐑🐑🐏🐑🐏
No need to be sheepish. It wasn’t funny.
Add Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, George Bush Junior, Joe Biden along with Trump.
I (and many others) enjoyed a second VN vacation ’cause these fellas were busy with other things.
I didn’t serve in Vietnam either.
My mothers husband was in VN. He played tuba for the army band.
Iran has jungles?
Disturbing, but hilarious. You know what else is disturbing but hilarious? The Glib’s Gulch tournament group.
https://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/mens-basketball-bracket/group/88985/invitation?key=abf5aed6fabdab5f
A special prize for anyone who signs up as Lady G’s Anal Crevasse.
And in too local news… LOL the ridiculous saga of this building across the street from me continues.
TL;DR – they kicked everyone out because the residents kept breaking the windows in the fire safety doors and the thing might go up like a chimney from one of the constant fires that draw trucks nearly every day. Everyone is blaming the management company (I can see them outside today loading up trucks with furniture and bikes and crap) but whose idea was it to load the building with a bunch of mentally ill street people? The article claims the residents will be back in a couple days but I’m not buying it & I sure as hell hope not.
Youtube dumped an AI generated thing (not really slop, more like content skimming) about a dam project north of Denver.
I clicked because I wasn’t sure if it was “raise” or “raze”. They are making a dam bigger to increase Gross Reservoir for Denver Water. Of course the anti growth do-gooders have fought it tooth and nail. I think it said the last injunction was a compromise. They were allowed to continue work on the dam, but not capture additional water.
You can stop the project to raise the dam by razing Denver instead.
Meanwhile, there’s no snow in the mountains to fill the reservoir. Hell, it’s 81 F right now in Denver and might hit 90 on Saturday.
You can stop the project to raise the dam by razing Denver instead.
In the ’70s there were plenty of “Denver’s Big Enough” bumper stickers. They’d nuke Denver if they could. Boulder’s okay, though.
“We need a new bridge and it’s time to start building it,” Kotek said in the release. “At my direction, (the Oregon Department of Transportation) will focus on protecting Oregon taxpayers by making sure this critical project is delivered as efficiently as possible.”
One can only hope this was greeted with howls of derisive laughter.
For those that have ever had to use LinkedIn.
https://translate.kagi.com/?from=en&to=linkedin&text=Was+able+to+complete+another+worday+in+NYC+without+being+assaulted.
Honey Harvest reservations made.
Hope you chose Sep 20th.
We pick up bees and put them to work May 2nd, anyone interested is welcome to come along.
It’s kind of fun because it’s the beginning of the project.
Yes.
I checked the calendar multiple times.
Arriving in Nisswa on the 16th and heading home on the 21st.
WHY DO YOU PEOPLE ALLOW ME TO GET INTO STUPID TWITTER FIGHTS WITH INCELS????
Good gravy. Indian (dot) posts rage bait math problem. “Divide 500 by half and add 50. Answer is not 300.” Got all these dudes dragging women and postmodern educators for manufacturing dumb question because OF COURSE it’s 300.
Trying to explain to someone that “half” means 50%.
That was an old Encyclopedia Brown gotcha. Divide BY 1/2 means x/(1/2) = 2x Divide IN half is x/2.
English problem not math problem. 500 / 1/2 = 1000 plus 50
I half agree.
🤣
I’m too lazy to search youtube for the Marisa Tomei video clip . . . .
No one can answer that question! It’s a bullshit question!
Fine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se_Cb1aRNos
Well, never mind it’s ragebait and nobody uses such formulation in the real world.
It is NOT ambiguous.
“Divide by half” is ambiguous but my first guess at the answer was gonna be 1050.
Yes, correct. But all these dudes (the women go, “Uh, I think maybe…?”) are like it HAS to be 300, and if it’s not, it’s a dumb question and also sneaky and irrational and manipulative and deceptive because women.
Yeah, okay, maybe learn prepositions and relational amounts. But we’re the dumb ones. Got it.
Yeah, it should be either “divide by one half” or “divide in half”.
The whole point of any post like that is that it’s a trick question. So one word into it, I’m looking for the catch. Is it their first day on the Internet?
TOK wins the internet.
Well, I mean, it is a dumb question. If you want the correct answer to a math problem, present it in mathematical notation.
This is yet another case of ‘communicate badly, then act clever when you’re misunderstood’. Which is fucking insufferable.
Why is it a dumb question? I was taught this in 5th grade. “Divide by half” means divide by 1/2. What is dumb or ambiguous about this?
Never mind it was a ragebait question MEANT to stump people. I was explicitly taught this, and taught it as a valid setup.
Dumb might have been the wrong term. The question itself was fine, but it was communicated in a way that’s easy to misinterpret, and it was done so intentionally, for the purpose of making the question writer feel clever about his (her?) self.
There’s no such allowance for misinterpretation if the correct notation is used. x = 500/0.5+50, solve for x. No linguistic ambiguity.
I would have even been okay with, “Divide 500 by one-half…”. But even then…math problems should be communicated in math, not English.
Halve is a useful word.
“Halve” IS a useful word. However, that’s still wrong.
To halve is to divide by 2, divide in 2, multiply by .5.
To divide BY half is to multiply by 2.
I was math club top dog for two years in HS lol and it was all about word problems.
Good practice for the real world, I guess. But yeah, it needs to be precisely communicated.
Kinnath IS right in that it’s an English problem, not a math one.
Part of why I’m taking this so seriously is because I’ve discovered some time ago I’m not communicating well. Okay, so I strive for more precision in my communication. Things get worse. I try to soften my precision to good-enough words and some cultural short-hand. Things don’t improve.
I’m completely stymied by why I can’t get my point across.
Researchers traced a tariff on $5 European wines into the U.S. to see who paid it.
The tariff itself was $1.19, producers paid $0.26 and importers took a $0.44 cut, but retailers used the tariff as an excuse to add a $1.10 margin. The price went up $1.59 (~32%):
https://x.com/cremieuxrecueil/status/2034334447647019068
https://www.aaronflaaen.com/uploads/3/1/2/4/31243277/tariff_pass_through.pdf
More importantly:
Who the hell is drinking $5 wine? Why do you hate yourself?
That’s price sold to wholesaler. No idea on margins, but $10 to retailer and $20 to consumer?
Two Buck Chuck was/is a thing…
A wonderful thing…
Also a wonderful thing
Slum is correct. No one should pay $5 for wine, that is way too much for any of that swill.
Buy beer!
I will great sorrow for all you poor souls with broken pallets that prevent you from enjoying all the joy that fermentation can bring. There is a place for beer and for wine and for cider and obviously for mead.
“Divide by half”
SPEAK ENGLISH, GODDAMMIT.
Down goes another EPL team….
What a beating.
Do Bayern go for the jugular or field a less than top-strength team?
Well they didn’t have Harry Kane last week IIRC.
I’ll be at that Tottenham/Nottingham game this weekend.