The Cryptids were getting restless, so rather than risk any…uh, work action, we have given them tonight’s column. Enjoy the wisdom of their advice!
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE PLEASED ZARDOZ BY SNARKING AT THE BRUTLS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH. THEREFORE, YOU WILL RECIEVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE! GO FORTH, AND READ.
Q: My oldest granddaughter will be looking at colleges soon. My son and her mother are divorced. My parents gave my son (their grandson) money to put away in accounts for his daughters’ college. Instead, he helped himself to that money before the divorce. When his ex-wife told me about it, I confronted him. I decided not to tell my parents about it because I was afraid it might shock them into a stroke or heart attack. They are in their 90s.
I have put away some money to help pay for college, but it won’t cover the costs. I have kept this a secret because I don’t trust my son to manage it. When I asked him how he planned to help pay for college, he said he would use the money he now pays for child support. I don’t find that answer satisfactory.
I feel like a failure for having raised a son who would take money that belongs to his kids. My granddaughter is upset and feels her father has ruined her future. She also thinks I should tell my parents that he stole the money they intended for her. What do you think I should do? — MORTIFIED IN MASSACHUSETTS
A: ZARDOZ HAS COGITATED ON THIS SITUATION. HE CAN PROVIDE YOU TWO COURSES OF ACTION;
YOUR BRUTAL OFFSPRING CAN BE CLEANSED, AND ALL LIFE INSURANCE PROCEEDS GO TO PAY FOR COLLEGE.
ZARDOZ CAN HAVE THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS COME AND TAKE YOUR MISERABLE CHILD AWAY TO BECOME A GRAIN SLAVE OF THE VORTEX. ZARDOZ WILL ALLOW A RATION OF GRAIN TO BE SENT TO YOUR GRANDCHILD.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
STEVE SMITH HERE AND HALP MAKE ADVICESES. HIM GIVE GOODEST ADVICE. HIM PROMINENT FOREST ADVICE GIVER.
Q: I have conflicting feelings regarding Valentine’s Day. I believe it is a celebration for couples rather than co-workers. My husband’s office staff (eight young women under the age of 30) insist on celebrating Valentine’s Day with decorations on all office doors, complete with hearts and cupids. They have a catered lunch with specialty treats of chocolate-covered strawberries, fudge hearts and the customary heart candies that read “Be Mine,” “I Love You”, etc.
My husband has been with this company for 30 years, and we’ve been together for 15 of them, but this Valentine’s Day celebration began only four years ago. I am 65 and have worked 20-plus years for a Fortune 500 corporate office and NEVER has Valentine’s Day been celebrated in the office. Christmas, yes. Fourth of July, yes. But Valentine’s Day? Am I just old and cranky? This has been a source of contention between my husband and me since it began. — NOT LOVIN’ THAT IN TEXAS
A: STEVE SMITH IN FAVOR OF VALENTINE DAY THING. HIM SHOW LOVE ALL YEAR-ROUND. BY LOVE, MEAN RAPE. HIM THINK HIM WANT TO GO TO PARTY AND CELEBRATE WITH 8 YOUNG WOMEN UNDER 30. IN FACT, STEVE SMITH THINK HUSBAND WANT SAME!
FREE CASCADIA!
SEA SMITH ALSO HALP WITH ADVICING! HE REALLY GOOD AT ADVICES. HE BRING UNIQUE MARITIME VIEW! SEE THIS.
Q: How should I handle in-laws who show up three or more hours early for dinner and just sit at the kitchen counter? I have things to do; I don’t have time to entertain them, and I can’t persuade them to leave the kitchen. It really puts a damper on my final prep and last-minute cleaning. I don’t want to be rude. They are nice people, but I can’t handle this anymore. — ON DISPLAY IN ILLINOIS
A: SEA SMITH HAVE IDEA. WHEN IN-LAWSES SIT AND NO MOVE, TELL THEM YOU HAVE NEW PET FOR THEM PLAY WITH;
IT KITCHEN SHARK! SEA SMITH LEND YOU – IF SHARK EAT IN LAWSES, ALL SOLVED! IF SHARK SCARE THEMS AWAY, ALSO SOLVED!
COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!
My husband’s office staff (eight young women under the age of 30) insist on celebrating Valentine’s Day
Why was I not surprised?
Free candy and flowers!
Well, free to them.
TANSTAAFL
I don’t see the problem, why does this lady have a stick up her butt?
why does this lady have a stick up her butt?
Because . . . I am 65 and my husband is surrounded by eight young women under the age of 30
That happens to me a lot. Not a stress point for the wife.
None of them are interested in your husband’s 60-something year old cock, lady. Relax.
Not directed at Mrs. R.J.
Although 30-something’s are really not interested in weird alien cock. I mean, not most of them. Chances are low.
Very true that they are not interested in 60!year old men or aliens. They just want free flowers and candy.
Y’all have a very limited world view. Just saying…
“None of them are interested in your husband’s 60-something year old cock, lady. Relax.”
They may not be interested in his cock but they may be interested in the money that is attached to it.
Bitches be gold-digging, yo.
He’s been “with” the company for 30 years; it’s not “his company”. I doubt there’s that much gold to dig.
Just the gold nuggets in his nose.
Sub 30 year old bitches may not know the difference, as with everything else there is a learning curve to gold digging.
That sounds like hell.
“My husband’s office staff (eight young women under the age of 30) insist on celebrating Valentine’s Day”
(Are they hot, is by far the most important question.) Regardless, Gran. I’m highly employable.
The water is indeed fine.
Can’t really argue with the advice given. Especially since I know the consequences of doing so. I’m not cut out for the life of a grain slave.
Life insurance might not be as profitable as selling his organs on the black market.
Oscar Wilde said something about relatives being a tedious pack of people with no idea how to live and not the slightest clue about when to die.
abrupt subject change
This is the gayest thing I have ever seen. I don’t mean that in a figurative, pejorative, or hyperbolic way. It’s the most homosexual men I have ever seen on a screen at the same time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CHvDPRWgJ4
At least they’re not jumping around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots. The only reason I know that video exists is because it’s the favorite song of a Khmer Rouge survivor whom I tutored in English. She had trouble with l, r, and w, so I made her recite “once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered weak and weary” until she got it right. Then we watched the My Fair Lady clip about the rain in Spain. She laughed.
Fucksakes, have you never seen this They don’t even have to AI this, it actually happened.
It reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTsdKycVZZ4
[Kif sigh]
I was so naive as a teen to not recognize what a homo Rob Halford is/was.
“Heading out on the Highway”? “Turbo Lover”?
Album- “Point of Entry”.
They still rock and I listen to them.
I have you both beat.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nmGuy0jievs
Nice try, but no, you don’t.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJr66R9rBcM
What was with the 1980’s gaylord mustache ?
Not worth watching, but link included.
Press conference after teen gunfight at local park. Police come uo and thank the governor for calling, send condolences to victims, and lecture people about guns, supervising their kids and getting off of cell phones. Also, dont get in a fight because people use weapons these days.
https://youtu.be/-FyfkCgJRe8?si=ft3fpoU8Hqbn-kl0
Wild. Not a single fact. Nothing about there even being an investigation, really. Just hectoring about being off your phone, involved with kids, and we have a problem with guns. Oh, and dont get in fights.
To be fair, I think a lot of this stuff stems from parents not supervising their kids – or at least raising them right.
Loin Girders! Start girding your loins!
This Thursday is a special viewing of SASQUATCH SUNSET on GlibFlicks!
Then there will be SASQUATCH SUNDAY as Uncivil reviews the film on Sunday!
“My oldest granddaughter will be looking at colleges soon. My son and her mother are divorced. My parents gave my son (their grandson) money to put away in accounts for his daughters’ college.”
—-
You just go stop right there. Go. Fuck yourself. I’m way too stoned to do your fucking generational math bullshit at the *start* of your story to keep shit straight.
Zardoz: Dismiss this human. Just. Fuck ’em up. No requests. Just. Be creative(!), whatever. Yeeesh.
She also thinks I should tell my parents that he stole the money they intended for her.
i.e., she’s hoping Grammy and Pappy cough up some more dough.
Oh! The squirrels have adapted. No one else seems to experience it anymore, or I don’t recall recent ones, but it seems the rodents have mass-migrated to my cables and tubes.
I’m still getting frequent 403 errors. (Chrome on Chromebook.) Maybe 20%? It’ll suddenly go out for a few minutes and then it’s ‘fine’ again. (Or maybe *you* all are the conspiring squirrels and all c̵o̵m̵m̵e̵n̵t̵ bite the tubes at once… *conspiratorial scrunchy face* )
Not a biggie, but I have had many comments eaten. (Some, perhaps for their own good.)
The Iranians are stealing your comments and burning them to stay warm at night in the desert.
Its better (and more healthy) than using Strontium.
Object Lesson in Nuclear Threat Waits in a Forest
This toy seems oddly familiar…
https://a.co/d/02mwypEh
Why the fuck does it come pre-internally hemorrhage?!
That’s why I’M buying the damn thing! Fucking wankers.
It is actually Stretch Armstrong’s Nemesis, I think just named “Nemesis.”
https://ebay.us/m/Cn3rFM
Money for college. Hm. The only reason I went was because I got a full scholarship. I hated school. If I’d been a smarter man, I’d dropped out of school in 7th grade and learned to weld. Then marry young and have a few kids. But I wanted adventure instead and I got my wish. Can’t win ’em all. Grass is always greener on the other side.
At least I didn’t die in battle in my 20s like I thought was going to happen. The way things are going, I might even make three score and ten. Hallmark philosophy: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emx6dU7suvg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE23hMLbHg4
Anyway! The first day on the contract went remarkably, predictably well. Just going over the metric with examples. No talking nor camera for me. (I did read the shit, listen and follow along. Mostly new people, but just refreshers for me and maybe two others out of ~15.)
It’s actually kinda fun factory work, as well. Just more reading. Much humor is often found. Our crew’s being divided in two, but outta ~15 of us, I think 11 had African African names. I heard two speak, kinda ‘confirming’ it. That’s quite interesting, indeed, methinks. Unexpected.
We have maybe another day of examples, but we have to take an assessment ourselves to fully qualify for the project. We get two tries to take it, but that’ll be no biggie. The more who *don’t* pass said test, I s’pose that means more to score for those who remain. That’d take more time, more days. So I hope several of ’em are dismissed. Like Zardoz to that first granny, jealous of girls swiping right on grandpappies saggy scrote.
Run, run, run as fast as you can.
You’ll never catch me, I’m the saggy scrote man!