You board the ship as an observer. A researcher. An anthropologist of leisure. You have come not to participate, but to study the cruise passengers in their natural habitat. Armed with a raised eyebrow and a healthy sense of superiority, you begin your expedition. From a discreet vantage point near the martini bar, you document the behaviors of the species: the Pool Lounger, the Buffet Forager, the Sunset Photographer. Fascinating creatures. You sip a complimentary glass of champagne strictly for scientific purposes. The ship departs. The coastline fades. The ocean unfolds in every direction like an expensive screensaver. Your field notes become noticeably less judgmental.
By the second day, you have embedded yourself within the population. This is, of course, necessary for accurate observation. You acquire a deck chair. You begin evaluating sea conditions with the confidence of a nineteenth-century explorer despite possessing exactly zero maritime qualifications. You discover hidden lounges, tranquil observation decks, and suspiciously comfortable furniture. Waiters appear whenever your drink level falls below a critical threshold, suggesting either exceptional service or a highly evolved predator-prey relationship. You tell yourself you’re maintaining professional detachment as you order another cocktail and spend two hours gazing at the horizon like a philosopher who has recently inherited a yacht.
As the voyage progresses, the transformation accelerates. You awake each morning in a new Caribbean port, stepping ashore to investigate colorful settlements, tropical beaches, and local rum establishments. By afternoon, you instinctively return to the ship, your ship, where your cabin has been restored to pristine condition by unseen forces. You begin referring to locations onboard with alarming familiarity. “I’ll meet you in the Solarium.” “The aft deck gets a better breeze.” “The pastries on Deck 5 are superior.” You are no longer studying the ecosystem. You have established territory within it.
On the final evening, your metamorphosis is complete. You stand at the rail beneath a canopy of stars, clothed in enough linen to outfit a minor Mediterranean aristocracy. The sea glows silver beneath the moonlight. Music drifts through the warm night air. Somewhere behind you, elegant dinners are being served and desserts of questionable moral responsibility are being consumed. You remember boarding seven days ago intending to remain an objective outsider. Now you are fully integrated into the habitat. You have opinions about preferred cocktail venues. You know which deck offers the finest sunset migration route. You have developed seasonal behaviors. As the ship glides through the Caribbean darkness, you realize the study has reached its inevitable conclusion: the naturalist has become one of the specimens.
Make your own…scientific observations April 4-11, 2027: https://sklasen.cruiseonegroups.com/Glibertarians
😢
I’m sorry – Aprid 2027 is when I’ve scheduled a road trip with my Dad.
I just go to the nearest ghetto with a bag of popcorn and a gun just in case. Endless entertainment and makes me feel so much better about the state of my life.
great story
It almost makes me want to endure that madness.
Almost.
Go watch a couple cruise ship fight videos.
Sounds salty.
Ooooh, that’d be two weeks before my 40th! Kinda an epic send-off to my 30s. (Were I still in Korea, I’d already ‘be’ 40.) Parents only really spent on travel. We did a Caribbean cruise in ~’95 (3rd grade) and Alaska in 2001 (a couple months before that big thing happened). Fantastic time had by all, both times.
This will be on my mind, as is Honey Harvest in Sept. this year. I’m not sure what my schedule will be, but it really really seems like these will be my last three days Receiving at Meijer. (Oooh. Opened that big bag of phrasing avocados.)
Actual concern: Were I to cruise the waters (for stragglers?), I DO wanna be able to have my weed vape, n the ship and out. Do cruise lines (still?) do security? I kinda s’pose they ‘have’ to, but yuck. (Oooh. May be at 9mo off the sauce, this current stretch? Hrm.)
Cruise ships operating out of U.S. ports are federally chartered, and as such have about as much tolerance for malum prohibitum plant extracts as airlines do for 9mm handguns in their cockpits.
That said, if you had a vape in checked luggage, and if it smelled like something other than pot, and if you were extremely discreet where you vaped (like just off the aft deck with no one nearby), you could probably get away with it.
Don’t try to take it with you getting off the boat though. You’d get nabbed coming back on. Every vessel has airport-style security, complete with X-ray machines and metal detectors, for every returning guest.
If caught, the cruise line probably wouldn’t throw you in their brig, but they very may lock you in your cabin until the boat reaches the next port, where you would be put off and left to arrange travel home on your own.
Is it worth it? Up to you. If I had to have some THC on the trip, I’d probably just secrete a few gummies in my toiletry bag and dole them out to myself that way.
Vapes (wacky or not) are now illegal in any Mexican port of call.
I hate the nu-puritanism so much.
Good to see you on board, KK.
As an experienced mariner, having crossed the Atlantic 3 times with 700 of my newest and closest friends I must have missed something. It was not exactly as you described. I shared my cabin with 50 or so other adventurers, sleeping on bunks stacked 4-5 high with other travelers. The dining experiences were more rustic and perhaps the food wasn’t presented in the same manner.
Other than that the water was wet and I’m glad I had the fun, travel and adventure.
For Tonio
Adorable!
And then it went indoors and tore the homeowners to ribbons.
You don’t want to see what an erect bear penis does to a cat.
That’s my bro Luigi. He cool.
Thanks.
Wait ’til Luigi (Louie) decides to take the hose home
Hey, Louie, Louie
I read this in a British accent.
You writes all purty-like KK.
She do!
It do be like dat.
She Does She Does.
Tell her to come back. We need her essence.
“Top wedding gurus’ posts spark speculation that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are already married”
What in the motherfuck is a “wedding guru?” A magical, shamanistic wedding planner is what I’m feeling. Yuh-huh.
This gawking is universal in cultures, and deserves mockery. Social primates gotta have their gossip and rumors! Makes ’em feel like THEY are part of the ‘informed’ class, wise in secrets. It’s really rather silly. However, I suppose, it’s (relatively?) harmless entertainment. This is just the setup. The big excitement’s brewing for the inevitable(?) divorce and what song Twizzle will make of it.
Strange creatures, humans. *checks “Shareable” bag of Sour Skittles, ensures ample supply, backup bag also within room*
Yeah, my reaction to whenever these two come up is “Who gives a crap?” Nothing about either of them has any bearing on me or people I care about.
Agreed, but it makes (some) people happy to ‘know’ about other people. Why not the rich and famous? Barring extreme introverts and those on this site, that’s a normal thing to want to be curious about. (Can be) Awfully beneficial in one’s personal social group. Likely why women tend to like it more. Men do the same following sports trades, etc, I s’pose.
Maybe they’re practicing on the rich and famous to keep those brain circuits charged. I do like two Swift songs. (To be fair, I’ve only heard like three or four.) Random little quirks, I enjoy seeing the strangeness of others.
Fuck. That very well may be a line from Beetlejuice. Fuck.
OK, Fed. Not getting on your boat.
Nice article, hon.
I apologize for the website running the text right up against the illo. That’s a long-standing known issue and I’ve bitched about it whenever it comes up.
My work-around is to compose photos with a white (for JPG) or transparent (for PNG) border around the image so as to thwart the evil machinations of PordWess.
I miss the older feature where I could put a border around the image and hold a caption under it.
I just don’t understand the principle of removing the good features.
To make you pay for it.
I do, and it’s not for your benefit.
Give me a non-cynical explaination.
“I just don’t understand the principle of removing the good features.”
That’s because you are not a communist retard.
WressPord is the socialism of website engines. Everything intuitive, useful, or giving the author control must be disabled, deleted, or made impossible. It’s all about dumbing-down, and enshittification.
Often, it’s a “rewrite” and “we’ll restore the features you like some day”.
IOW, the benefit is entirely for the developers.
OK, while FIFA is getting nit-picky about everything else… can they please for the love of all that is holy put a stop to the pitch invasion every time someone scores? It is so gross and such a waste of time.
Today’s interview went remarkably well. First dude, VP and Closing Manager, was thrilled with our chat and what he said I brought to the table. Said I made a very good first impression. Onward to another talk with a closer (get some coffee for her!) and my will-be trainer. They talked like I already worked there and how my on-the-fly training would work. (Individual tasks first, graduating up through the process.)
I had on my blazer and dress shirt and they were in short-sleeved company polos. I sent a thank you email and am confident this will happen. (I ain’t got no hand in no bush, yet, so I’ll just get these two birds stoned at once.)
Many gear changes in my professional life, and this oddly feels like one of the biggest. Like Costanza, I’ll (soon?) be in real-estate. But just office work, in general. That’s a big First for me. I’ve got so many odd, big Firsts, Bro’d choke for the *second* time out of jealousy.