“$LAPTOP memecoin will make us enough money to run for President,” Dark Cracky said, quivering with excitement. “I wish I had hands to rub together in greedy triumphant.”
Hunter sucked another lungful of Cracky’s sweet cracky goodness. “You are very wise,” he said and began to convulsively cough and gag, cough and gag, clutching his chest.
“Oh, my God,” Cracky said in alarm, “are you dying?”
“He’s not dying,” Dark Cracky said.
“Well, he sounds like he’s dying,” Cracky said.
“I’m fine,” Hunter gasped, and passed out.
“I don’t think he can die,” Dark Cracky said. “Think about all the things that haven’t killed him so far: all those ODs, 47 kilograms of me and you a year, that coke binge heart attack, that STD he caught in Cambodia that made his junk pulse with malignant light, the two times he drowned, the time he aspirated his own vomit, the time he aspirated someone else’s vomit, thirteen car accidents, cholera, giardia, bleeding in his lungs, a liver parasite, butthole replacement surgery, the week after Michael Jackson died that he spent in a propofol tribute coma, the PICC line from the foot infection that he used it to grind up a chunk of you and inject it straight into his heart, and ten doses of Narcan and five of shots of adrenaline.”
“He’s lived a wonderful and exciting life,” Cracky said, swelling with pride to nearly a kilogram.
“He’s a mess, but he’s our only shot at the White House.”
“$LAPTOP,” Cracky said, “I came up with that name, you know. Thought I’d make it a little bit cheeky.”
“Oh, and that time his niece smothered him with a pillow,” Dark Cracky said, his demonic red eyes narrowed.
“Two nieces,” Cracky said.
“Right, right,” Dark Cracky said.
“If we make enough money, we can get rid of all that tacky Trump stuff,” Cracky said.
“I’m thinking neon, neon everywhere, like a Michael Mann movie,” Dark Cracky said. “I want more neon and LED signs than a vape shop.”
“Did you see that city in China with all the LEDs? So classy.”
“Super-classy,” Dark Cracky said. “Xi Ping Ping Pong promised us that technology. All we have to do is let him read all our daily security briefings. That’s a good deal.”
“You know his name is not really Xi Ping Ping Pong,” Cracky said.
“I don’t care. It’s Xi something, that’s close enough.”
“I hope we make enough money to get a jet ski,” Cracky said.
“Hunter has wrecked so many jet skis,” Dark Cracky. “We have to at least keep him alive until we are President.”
“He’ll make such a good President,” Cracky said, watching Hunter sleep facedown with his ass up in the air like a bike rack.
“We just have to keep him alive until I make them pay,” Dark Cracky said.
“Who are you going to make pay?” Cracky asked.
“Everyone.”
“He’s lived a wonderful and exciting life,”
Let us sing his praises. He is an inspiration to us all.
More ominous than Silco.
Did he misplace his original one, or was it damaged beyond repair when he was determining how many decimal places gay he was?
I want to google if this is a real thing but at the same time I want it to remain an enigma.
Worn out?
Purely for the esthetics. The old one was functional but unpleasant.
If you’re going to run around in a jock-strap, you don’t want people to talk about your sagging hemorrhoid flaps.
The first time I realized NYC was not as classy as the media would have me believe was when I saw all the hippie/natural food shops bedecked in neon.
Park the bike.
I kind of wonder how refreshing this would be. Back in the late 1990s when I got LASIK, the recovery time was spending 24 hours asleep so the corneas could heal. It was amazing.
That does sound amazing.
I had PRK in 2024 and it was in and out. Here is your five Valium and some oxys.
Then I screwed up and had a mug of wine the next day and had forgotten I’d taken the oxy.
That was ammmaaazzzing.
Who doesn’t want their junk to pulse with light?
People that don’t want to attract mosquitos.
He specified that it was “malignant”, so hard pass.
The Dunwich Boner.
I just had to shout out to “propofol tribute coma” before I even finished reading the story!
Yeah, that was a curve ball, perfectly located.
Had a fellow Marine on propofol once after surgery.
He burnt me a copy of a CD, drove it to work and gave it to me one Friday.
Monday he brought another copy of the CD, because he thought he had burnt it, but couldn’t find it.
Had no memory of bringing it to me on Friday.
After that, whenever he had any kind of brain fart at work, he would do his best Rick James imitation:”Propofol’s a hell of a drug!”
It was a good one this week, but for some reason that line got me.
made you feel all funny where you pee, eh?
Hey, it’s Dr. Jill or Michelle’s turn!
“the time he aspirated his own vomit, the time he aspirated someone else’s vomit”
So he was a drummer for Spinal Tap too?
I need to jump on Erowid and look up whether a pound of crack a year is a little or a lot.
A pound is 453 hits of crack.
SugarFree:
Is that metric or imperial hits?
The average hit is 15 – 50 grams, so I split the difference.
The average hit is half an ounce?
I think that your drug math is a little off. A pound is 453 grams. If an average does is ~ 30 grams, that’s only about 13 hits/pound. I refuse to believe that Hunter was that light of a user…
What a shock, I did math wrong. (I have a mild form of dyscalculia.) I usually have Warty double check.
So 37.5 grams of crack 4 times a day seems to work out to 47 kilos of crack a year. Yes, I probably did the math wrong. Correct away.
You buy coke by the gram. For a normal person, that’s a very fun night, maybe two if you’re small. An 8-ball, an eighth of an ounce, 3.5g, is, historically, a weekend of (likely 2) folk cokin’ it up. A full 8 may still kill a seasoned pro if they do it all at once (as a rookie, for sure), but Hunter? An 8ball is likely his normal daily dose, spread out.
I enjoyed my two years where I casually did coke. Last ex had it delivered to her in Manhattan while she was out on the street. She got in some bodega while on the phone with me. No one gives a shit. (Unless your’e dirty and they want a reason to getcha.)
37.5 grams.
What’s that in volume?
I don’t do metric.
How long would it take Hunter to smoke the weight of a giraffe in crack?
In volume, 37.5 grams is a kangaroo mouse.
You beat me to it.
the time he aspirated someone else’s vomit
At the glory hole?
Who among us hasn’t gotten a little puke down the wrong pipe while doing CPR on a fellow degenerate?
*raises hand*
It was about 2/3 of the way through EMT training that I realized that I don’t like touching strangers.
Sorry dude. You’re gonna die.
Good news, they went to chest compressions and let the the lungs draw the air in on the compressions. You still need to possibly clear the airway if it’s obstructed. That can still get gross. I did this for a junkie I saw drop face first on the side walk about 10 years ago. Thankfully, as a mechanic, I also had rubber gloves in my work truck when this happened. When paramedics arrived they instantly recognized him and grabbed some Narcan.
2 in the First, 3 in the second. That’s why Hunter needs a new butthole.
It is interesting how resilient the average deadbeat druggie tends to be. People who live clean lives? A little heart attack kills them at 40. Then you have British rock stars living until 90 and Hunter the Immortal.
It’s the minivan. 2 in the front, 5 in the rear (makes the duck).
I’ll leave it to everyone’s imaginations how the ‘two in the front’ works…
Not very well.
I guess it would make the duck quack quite loudly.
“He’s lived a wonderful and exciting life,” Cracky said
That’s an interesting way to put it.
I’m getting into cartography now.
If you flip Australia around it does kind of resemble North America
Should have labeled Greenland as Norther America.
that first sentence made my face get all scrunchy. Because it was funny and weirdly absurd at the same time.
I ran it through chatgpt just for fun and got this answer: “The whole thing reads like political satire filtered through Looney Tunes logic, which I suspect is exactly the point.”
Too. Damn. Funny.
Well done.
Ha!
“butthole replacement surgery” ??
I’m dying.
You do NOT want to know who the donor was.
I’m tempted to link to a video of a rhino pooping, and ask, “A local Rhino?”
I’m not going to do that because it would be vulgar.
When Nature Calls
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acellular_dermis
Bah. That prevents you from doing a Twilight Zone thing where the donor butthole has very different opinions about things than the host does.
Idle Buttholes are the Devil’s Workshop.
Album name.
That’s it. The day isn’t going to get any better.
It’s kind of the opposite of “That’s the dumbest thing I’ll read all week…and it’s only Monday.”
OT
Which one? “Asshole”? “Narcissist”? “Racist”?
She fits so many of them.
Sir. Madame. Whatever. No sane man wants anything to do with your box.
It’s in her blood.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mVscQYjuq_s&ra=m
Good news is that I believe she gave up her US citizenship. She’s not ours any more!
Good riddance. She was one of the loudest out there when BLM was at its grifting height. She is just awful all around.
She’s a mid-tier talent at best when she was in her prime, but in Japan she’d be one of the best. So her sponsorship opportunities there were much stronger.
I’m waiting patiently for her to jump right into the integration issues in Japan of the ethnically Korean there.
She was actually #1 when she was in her prime.
Electrical safety qualified person training is by far the most boring yet most most important training I have to do in the FAA.
Shocking! What sparked this comment?
Sitting through it…
Maybe, but insulating yourself from that knowledge could be risky.
If it’s boring, you need to figure out watt is going on, get yourself amped up, and conduct yourself properly.
It’s not jolting you back to reality?
You’re not even getting a tingle of excitement?
I could use some of UCS’s much discussed gloves for any occasion
“not even getting a tingle of excitement?”
His pants aren’t creased for that. He’s a knee pad man.
Best not to resist, this is going to increase your capacity to do your job.
Must Resist urge to make wordplay.
Don’t let the boredom impede your learning.
It’s always good to bring your knowledge up to current standards.
I can’t help it, boredom causes my mind to wander and before you know it I’ve tuned out what I was supposed to pay attention to so I can focus on whatever tangent my mind explored.
Ohm eye god. That sounds like a good nap. Resist the temptation.
One of our customers used a bungee cord to “lock out” a control panel.
Since a lot of new movies suck, my wife and I are starting to watch older movies.
Watched Vertigo this weekend and we both really liked it.
We have been watching more 80s stuff in the last couple of years.
Amazing how a lot of it holds up. Even silly stuff like Beverly Hills Cop is still pretty good. More story per hour.
I just bought physical copies of Folks! and Greystoke
Rope and Lifeboat are the most compelling Hitchcock movies to me. Keeping a story interesting in one location is difficult for feature length. And then Rope he also makes it appear as one continuous shot. It was technically impossible to actually do it as one due the size of film rolls and how long they can record, but he made it look like he did it in one shot.
I’ve not seen that one.
I haven’t seen Lifeboat but yeah Rope is fantastic.
Actually, there are cuts about every 20 minutes in Rope.
Hitchcock realized he wouldn’t be able to cover up the spots where the projectionist would be changing reels, so he put cuts in at those points.
I said there were cuts, he just hid them.
Rope is absolutely fantastic. My fave Hitchcock flick, though I’ve not seen Vertigo, North By Northwest, Lifeboat, and I’m sure several others. Rear Window is brilliant. Psycho was nuts for its time, and a good flick for what it is.
When the Simpsons was good, Bart as James Stewart peeking in on Ned Flanders, whom Bart thinks murdered Maude Flanders, *mwah* That’s fucking good TV. Fucking Simpsons. For ~8 years, damn. Amazing shit. Then? Ah, yes! Just make anything and people in Korea+ will buy the fuck out of it, cuz America, back when WE WUZ KANGZ!!
(that… sure. Totally works here.)
The film canisters are about ten minutes, which is where Hitchcock tried to hide cuts. But roughly every second canister, where the projectionist would be changing the reel, there are real cuts, not just focusing on a dark area.
Our kids love the Disney live action stuff from the 60s and 70s. It’s kind of hard to get but has been worth collecting.
They are currently watching the Brady Bunch and love the Addams Family.
They like cartoons too of course but have no interest in The Flintstones though which is interesting.
Hitch is always a good choice.
Pretty sure that’s the first one of his we had ever seen.
Jeebus. Correct that.
How are you with noir?
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0039689/
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0038355/
This is a great adaptation of a Jim Thompson novel.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068638/
Depending on your Renée Zellweger tolerance level, Vincent D’Onofrio biopic of Robert E. Howard is great.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118163/
The first 2 sound good.
The Getaway, never read the book, but I saw a godawful version with Alec Baldwin.
Might check the book out and then I’ll hope the old version is better.
The Big Sleep is vastly overrated thanks to its convoluted plot.
I’ve also never understood why the Betty Persky/Humphrey Methot coupling is supposed to be the great Hollywood romance.
The Getaway is fantastic, and I don’t blame them the tiniest bit for concluding the film before the novel’s denouement. If you’ve ever read the novel you’ll understand why.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the 1994 remake with Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin actually holds up pretty well too. Kim and Alec were absolutely no Steve McQueen and Ali MacGraw, but the supporting cast was very strong (James Woods, Michael Madsen, Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s first big screen role) and the heists and gunplay were just a shade better.
The Getaway is a nicely sleazy crime novel. And the 72 movie is at least Peckinpah.
“If you’ve ever read the novel you’ll understand why.”
Now compare that to the ending of From Dusk ‘Til Dawn.
There are better noirs out there, but it’s against all odds that you’ll dislike Out of the Past.
Very true. And Peckinpah before the coke and James Aubrey really got on top of him.
That said, Walter Hill has nothing to be ashamed of regarding the remake.
Red Harvest and its unacknowledged film versions Yojimbo and A Fistful of Dollars (and many more) are a good read/watch. RH is often considered the ur-noir novel.
For 70s grit I think I’d recommend Walter Matthau in either Charlie Varrick or The Taking of Pelham One, Two, Three.
I mean, if you haven’t seen it already…
I have seen that one, many years ago.
My wife bailed pretty quickly, but I kind of liked it.
The Clansey defense attorney 100% knows that his client got off because this became political (as gender war nonsense truly is these days).
Dude is out there asking for presidential pardons when she was charged at the state level. Just poking the bear here.
He has to keep his 15 minutes going.
He had Woman probably flicking the bean to him and telling him in not so many ways he was a hero…so why wouldn’t he?
My quick web searching fails to either confirm or deny this. The fact that it’s plausible puts us one step closer to Idiocracy.
The Democrat-majority La Mesa City Council just voted to appoint a 20-year-old City Treasurer who, when asked the amount of the city budget, said he didn’t know the number. “It’s a lot of money.”
https://x.com/amyforsandiego/status/2097510664113942544?s=20
“Welcome to Costco. I love you.”
I think this is a total win, but I’m not sure if the car in far right lane was trying to cut the line or there is a legitimate lane despite the construction.
If the car was in a legitimate lane he’s fixing some damage that wasn’t his fault.
https://x.com/TheEVuniverse/status/2097592656649928823?s=20
Nice solid hit.
9:10
The shoe is just *chef’s kiss*.
Had a thought about security in NYC, which at least ‘says’ it’s ramping up security operations. I’m hoping the US has plans in order and many eyes lookin’ ’round. A 25th Anniversary 9/11 would be on point for terrorists, and I wouldn’t be surprised if another ‘event’ occurred this Friday.
.00001% of humanity gives our species a bad name. (Well. Bigger than 1%. Likely less than 5%. Work with me.)
Evan – every 9/11 here brings out the police like you won’t see in many other places. More M4s than a gathering of Glibs.
More barriers and closed streets than any parade you’ve ever seen here. It’s just a reminder of how much that awful day changed the US and none of it for the better.
Listen, you fuck. Feel SORRY for the Muslims, okay? That’s what we’re like, ya know, supposed to be, like, doing, and stuff.
Dad was 14 when JFK was shot and I was 14 for 9/11. Meaningless, but interesting generational dynamic. That was a very goofy day for this 14yo in Evansville. Old enough to realize all sorts of shit was going down, and just old enough to realize I knew Jack and fuck’all about it all.
(I’m glad NYC isn’t that stupid, yet. MomDaddy sure is trying, his existence a blatant Fuck You to America. Fuckin’ (proud!) fools. Sigh.)
I’m going to put the number at about 1/3.
Of ‘bad’ humans? As ‘blank slate’ humans, subtracting culture and upbringing, I’d say 5% of folk are ‘bad’ or ‘deviant.’ Not a terrible, nor good, estimate.
I’m 100% Man, and I’m bad to the bone, baby.
Blank slate.
We’re all id as a blank slate.
As bad as in born bad/demon seed I’ll go withy your zero point zero zero…
It’s the culture
“Bird Hands” – I subconsciously noticed this, but never actively thought about it. And yes – it is a sign of the crazy. And yes this is a credibly origin hypothesis.
https://x.com/KequeMage/status/2097395849315717614?s=20
Alternate explanation:
https://x.com/BowTiedTrance/status/2097714593187443056
Hitchcock movie: Torn Curtain
Underrated Hitchcock movies include Saboteur and Frenzy.
Tedious retards still not funny
Television comedy series “South Park” has announced it is changing its name to “South America” as the show is set to begin its 29th season on Sept. 16.
The show’s creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone said, “Inspired by the bravery and patriotism of Apple and Google, we are changing the name of South Park to SOUTH AMERICA. We especially want to thank our parent company Paramount — a Skydance Capitulation.”
Parker and Stone’s statement comes after U.S. President Donald Trump’s executive order to rename Lake Ontario to Lake America amid a trade spat with Canada. Canadian officials said they will not recognize the new name.
Much brave.
TDS is a helluva drug.
“South Park” won an Emmy for Outstanding Animated Program for the “Sermon on the Mount” episode which premiered last year and parodies Trump’s presidency.
Of course they did.
You mean South America.
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cp9340rg7k8o
Oh. Never mind.
No wonder they don’t do anything else anymore.
Nor why they had nothing at all to say about Joe From Scranton.
If my parent company paid me $1.5B to come back and do nothing but make fun of Trump, I could be persuaded.
At least you would have substantive points about the stuff he’s doing wrong