“Desanctimonious is announcing today,” Donald said from his faux-gold hot-tub.

“It’s a terrible nickname, Donald,” the hair said, lounging on the bubble and jets control pad.. “Desanctimonious? I mean, what does it mean?”

“It means he’s sanctimonious,” the hat snapped.

“How is he sanctimonious? In what way has he expressed sanctimony?” the hair pressed.

“He thinks he’s better than me,” Donald said darkly. “He’s a traitor. I raised that boy. I gave him everything he has. And he stabbed me in the back.”

“But he still needs a better nickname. That one is hard to say,” the hair groused. The hat fluttered down from his hanging cage and landed on the hair with a soft phwhomp.

“DeSatan!” the hat said as the hair struggled to get away. “DeSalubrious!”

“That’s even worse!” came the muffled cry of the hair.

“And Eloi,” Donald said.

“ELON!” the hair screamed.

“Billionaires are supposed to stick together. I invited that African sonofabitch to the Oval Office. He had a great time. Just the best. Very productive meeting. He wouldn’t give me an emerald from his mine, so I figured out he’s cheap. Wanted to talk about electric cars. I told him I already had the classiest carts on any golf course in the entire world.”

Donald stretched and farted, sulfurous bubbles roiling the surface of the tub. The hat and the hair both tumbled to the lead-impregnated tiles on the floor.

“I should have bought Twitter when I had the chance. Pocket change,” Donald grumbled.

“You’ll beat them both, Donald,” the hat said. “You’re unstoppable!”

The hair coughed in embarrassment.

“The election was stolen!” the hat yelled. “We’ll flood the states with election watchdogs! They won’t get away with it again!”

“Yes, yes,” Donald said, farting again. “I must be president. I will make them all pay.”

“I’m tired of being the voice of reason,” the hair said quietly. He fisted himself into a tight ball and rolled under the cabana’s sofa.

“Go on, run away, you coward!” the hat called after him.

“The MARGO Nation will rise!’ Donald said.

“MAGA Nation,” the hat corrected.

“What did I say?”

“MARGO.”

“But isn’t that how it’s pronounced? M-A-G-A… MARGO, right?”

“Do you see a word that starts with R on me?” the hat asked. “Do you see an O?”

The hair laughed under the couch until he started coughing.