The hat and the hairās phone beeped. A text message.
and Iām here
The hat groaned. The hair groaned as well. He slithered off his mannequin head perch. āItās too early for this shit.ā
Beep.
to remind you
āGodammit,ā the hat muttered.
āHeās not going to stop,ā the hair said.
Beep.
of the mess you left
āDammit, Elon,ā the hair said.
when you went away
The blizzard of text messages paused for a long moment.
āI do sort of miss him,ā the hair said.
āWhat?ā the hat asked.
āHeās the sort of high-functioning autistic America deserves, but not the one it needs right now,ā the hair said.
The hat rolled his eyes. His hat-eyes were bloodshot. āYou use movie quotes as a shortcut to original thought.ā (1)
Beep.
It’s not fair to deny me
āDo you really think she really went down on Dave Coulier in a theater?ā the hair asked.
āHow would I know?ā the hat asked..
āI think it would depend on what kind of theater,ā the hair said.
The hat groaned again. It was the most common noise he made with his hat-mouth. (2)
āI think it would depend on what kind of theater,” the hat said. āA movie theater, sure. But like a play or an opera?ā
Beep.
of the cross I bear that you gave to me
āCan we please stop talking about Alanis Morrisette?ā the hat asked.
āI guess if you had a private box,ā the hat said. āBut a playā¦ In a quiet part people might hear slurping.ā
āThe song came out 30 years ago,ā the hat said. He was talking through gritted hat-teeth. (3)
āAlanis going down on Elon in White House Press Conference,ā the hair said.
āIf I donāt stop groaning so much, the hat doctor says I might literally hurt myself,ā the hat said. (4)
Beep.
āIām not even looking at it, I know what it says,ā the hat said. The grinding of his hat-teeth was very loud, Donald threw a pillow at him.
Addendum
Endnotes
- All hats have teeth. People rarely see them.
- All hats have mouths. Otherwise they would not be able to whisper obscenities to you all day and all night.
- Hat-teeth are very sharp. It is dangerous to put your fingers in a hat-mouth. Unless they, like, swallow your car keys, or something.
- Hats can often have a variety of serious health issues. Hat doctors are known as Haberdashologists.
āCan we please stop talking about Alanis Morrisette?ā the hat asked.
[ hands hat 10,000 spoons when all it needs is a knife ]
I prefer 10000 nickels when all you need is a dime.
It just amuses me for some reason.
The toilet lock only takes dimes, someone superglued pennies in the other slots.
āCan we please stop talking about Alanis Morrisette?ā the hat asked.
Is that who we’re talking about?
They way she sings “are you thinking of me when you fuck her” makes that song.
Have a friend who had a crush on her. You can probably imagine how his love life has gone over the past 30 years.
She’s weird looking. But it goes to show that fame tends to make people appear more attractive.
TOK:
–86 Rules of Boozing (rule 41)
I think it was the crazy that attracted him.
Thanks SF, good start for an h&h day.
I’ll get to enjoy my lunch, unusual for a Wednesday
lulz
I refuse to believe they share a phone.
Beyond that, I was in the mood for some absurdism/surrealism today.
Thank you.
I was pondering that scenario…
It’s hard to wear two headphones, they have to share.
Hats can often have a variety of serious health issues.
Bill dysplasia is a serious condition that is exacerbated by the constant inbreeding to support douches who wear ball caps with really straight brims.
Let me guess, you’re one of those assholes who curls the peaks on their ball caps until they get a tube jutting from their forehead.
Both are bad. A slight curve is the only acceptable shape.
Unless you are employed as a drill sergeant, the shape of your brim should be determined by the shape of your head and the type of hat.
I see you’ve never met a New York State Trooper. Stupidest hats in policing.
UCS, do they look like Homie the Clown’s hat?
They are required to have them tipped forward like that by a rigid strap behind the back of the head.
Unless you are actively playing baseball the only purpose to a ball cap is to get the sun out of your eyes while driving, the brim shape is entirely dictated by the sun angle.
That’s why the flatcap is better, and it’s a major failing of the fez.
[ R.J. runs from room sobbing ]
Most baseball caps are shamelessly cranked out in hat mills then sold indiscriminately to anyone, even if they’re intention is just enter them in hat fights. Not long after you’ll find them discarded on the package shelf of a discolored Buick or forced to face backwards by a frat boy. And yet Sarah McLachlan never sings for them.
But fezzes have that snazzy tassel, which is pretty cool. Maybe baseball hats should have a tassel rather than that button.
JaimeRoberto:
Several times in my life, when wearing a baseball cap, I’ve had something land/hit that button. Another reason the flatcap is superior.
Earmuff style earpro will push down on the squatchee, meaning I need to have particular caps if I want to avoid a headache.
Or behind-the-neck earpro.
Or you pull the squatchee out with a pair of pliers. (Ouch!!!)
You know, the bands on these things are normally adjustable. I’ve not had any trouble with them and baseball caps.
I am a bit bigger domed than the average man of my height. My graduation cap had to be custom ordered. Many baseball caps will not go over my head if the back band is closed.
Given that I’ve seen your hat pins inflict bleeding wounds upon you, I’m not going to argue that point…
Not Adahn at home
I am not that bald.
Flatcaps and pork pies for the win!
Though I will submit that a beret works well, if you can pull it off. And that is a big if.
All three of those are terrible headgear.
a beret works well
[Clove-smoking, French-speaking, arrogant asshole enters the chat]
Thankfully, he’s a mime, and is thus insufferable in silence.
I would wear a boonie hat while managing the rifle range at events:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boonie_hat
My wife hated it… Just had an reason last weekend where I could wear it again.
Dr. Mossy – every time I hear ‘boonie hat’ I think coonskin hat.
I have a big melon, so most “one size fits all” baseball hats don’t fit. I can only buy sized fitted caps. I typically wear a Tru spec bonnie in the summer during the day to keep the skin cancer at bay or a flat cap (Sicilian) during the spring, fall, and winter.
I did manage to find a adjustable baseball hat that fit at the end of the adjustment, but it was bought in Korea for Koreans (big bucket heads like mine).
āEarmuff style earpro will push down on the squatcheeā
I have a scar on the top of my head from that. I now wear a fatigue style hat when I shoot.
This one, in fact:
https://gunsitestore.com/products/military_cap_khaki
Berets seem completely pointless.
The hat I am using has no squatchee, but is a bit undersized. The manufacturer is completely unsympathetic. From their website:
/Hides hat from BobLMD
That song really sucks.
In a theater?
“…douches who wear ball caps with really straight brims.”
“…assholes who curls the peaks on their ball caps until they get a tube jutting from their forehead.”
Come to think of it I think most things that most people do suck.
And now I will go back to reading about adverse possession law in Louisiana. See what I mean?
What about leaving that shiny round sticker under the ball cap visor?
Who does that?
bounce a laser off of it and into their eyes – they’re asking for it.
It shows that it’s sized!
I dont do hats so I dont know what that is.
Suthenboy can dance if he wants to,
He can leave his friends behind.
I don’t think Suthen swings that way…
Ted is assuming I have friends. I. cant think of a reason he would do that.
He forgets that you’re an Ent.
Did we just add “Hat Brims” to the list under Deep Dish Pizza and Circumcision?
Baseball caps seem to reproduce somehow. I probably have 20-30, many I have no idea where or when they showed up, a lot are unworn and my wife is good about taking a cap without permission.
Spores. You should have sprayed them. Now your house is full of hat spores and it can’t be treated.
I have a ton of them from hockey tournaments. Even when you don’t finish first they like to hand them out. The wife of one of my teammates has warned him he is never to bring another ball cap into the house.
I have a remarkable number of hats with the logos of Hoppes, Ruger, and Vortex. My pile of Howitzer has is rapidly catching up.
When I say really straight, I mean they are 2 dimensional planes that can be mathematically modeled as a geometric vector.
Example.
When I took trig and geometry we skipped the chapters on ‘jive-ass’.
Those were covered in Calculus and n-dimensional mathematics.
āYou use movie quotes as a shortcut to original thought.ā
Stop looking at me!
You lookin’ at me?
No. I was talking to RJ.
We’re gonna need a bigger boat!
I can’t help it, I generally look towards whoever is speaking.
Was this the first song lionizing the psycho bitch ex-gf?
Do the Dead Milkmen count? I mean, I can go on, but that’s the first that pops into my head, and I think it predates Alanis.
Was she driving a B****in Camaro?
They were a local band and had a good following.
TIL that the Dead Milkmen released an album in 2023. Maybe I’m not so old after all.
EvilSheldon:
Old punks need filthy lucre too.
Dude, it need not be filthy – that’s what money laundering is for.
Surely there’s a vast catalog of country songs in which the singer misses his cheating ass bitch ex who left him and took his truck and his dog with her.
Imma say they sang it different back then.
Probably a lot more examples. Probably half of Patsy Cline’s have some of this in em.
Hank Williams – Alone and Forsaken.
Babylon Bee knocks yet another one out the park on Sweeney.
https://t.co/Hdlk9wHCjM
I see they’ve hired laid off NYT reporters.
GRRRRL PAWR
And this year, with the perilous moment that we are in, our list feels like a call to actionāa battle cryāand perhaps even a moment to take a stand.
Our democracy is under pressure. Hardāwon freedoms are being stripped away. Budgets that protect the most vulnerable are being gutted. Federal leadership is, too often, in retreat. For many, it feels like the ground is shifting beneath our feet.
But if you look at the women on this yearās list, you will see something extraordinary. In this climate, they are not backing down. They are doubling down. They are doing missionācritical work with unshakable purpose, fighting for the future with a tenacity that should inspire every one of us.
Take Alexis McGill Johnson, 52, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood, who is steering a 109āyearāold organization through one of its most perilous eras since the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Or Cecillia Wang, 54, the first woman to serve as National Legal Director of the ACLU, who has arguedāand wonāimmigration cases at the U.S. Supreme Court while calling out raids that tear through communities with devastating impact.
An army of drama queens, with Mika at the head.
āDemocracy.ā I do not think it means what you think it means, Jamel.
They start with a faulty premise and go on to list the worst people in the country.
Funny how the daughter of black nationalists became the head of PP, considering the role of that organization. Just for the tin hat crowd, her husband no shit worked for Soros and now works for a Soros org.
It’s because most black nationalists like Alexis McGill Johnson, are fucking elitists in the mold of W.E.B. DeBois who secretly view the black lower classes with suspicion and disdain.
OFFS. “In this climate, they are not backing down. They are doubling down.” Yeah. Climate changes. How ’bout that? (It doesn’t just ‘warm,’ it often changes in ways that don’t benefit you!)
It slices, it dices, it juliennes!
But enough about abortion.
āAlanis going down on Elon in White House Press Conference,ā the hair said.
That would make the conference interesting.
There are also many women on this yearās list proving that itās never too late to pivot. Take 52āyearāold activist Monica Lewinsky, who launched her own production company and a new podcast, Reclaiming, to candidly share her ownāand othersāāstories of resilience. Or actress Halle Berry, who has emerged as both an advocate and an entrepreneur for women navigating menopause. And theyāre far from alone.
You’ve come a long way, baby
Let me guess, she has a handful of listeners, one of which is Bill and his attorney. How can one verify this?
Holy shit, she charges 5.99 per show for podcasts! Only people with USAID funding would buy that.
She gets about the same audience size as Dershowitz.
No fat shaming! Her podcasts are just big boned.
Hatology explains Harry S Truman.
“No matter how much authentic information you give them they cannot draw a sensible conclusion.” – Bezmenov on demoralization
We are not the most brainwashed population in history despite the amount of propaganda we are awash in. That is kind of remarkable really. It is bad here but it could be worse. We should be thankful for that.
Recently I have seen short videos of a ‘climate scientist’ giving a talk on global warming while wearing a diaper on her face, a dude in a dress explaining how there are an infinite number of genders also wearing a mask, a woman explaining how man and other predators are not natural meat eaters and a woman who belongs to the Journal of Bentham Studies telling me it is an indisputable scientific fact that individuals do not have rights.
Consider the resources and human potential squandered to demoralizing and thuggery. We should be terraforming all over the galaxy. Instead we are dressing like little boys well into our dotage, whooping like apes and beating each other in the street because that other guy belongs to the wrong troop of monkeys.
It is a shame that I quit drinking. Maybe not. If we had a ‘watch the news’ drinking game we would all be dead in 12 hours.
Was completing an ED screening and one of the points was “assigned male at birth”. I’ve heard it for years but for some reason it really bugged me now. No, I wasn’t assigned male at birth anymore than I was assigned brown eyes.
I was assigned male at conception just to get a jump on all of you other guys.
Saw a new doc here a while back the paperwork asked me how I identified. I wrote some long gibberish in that space. When the doc saw me he was laughing and apologized “I am sorry. They make me put that bullshit on there.”
I resemble that complaint.
I get a nice buzz every night. I figure I deserve it. It does interfere with the rest of my life.
lol does NOT interfere
*hic*
I can dress up, I chose to dress comfortably most of the time instead. And even when dressing up, I’ll find something to subvert. I mean, who doesn’t need some bottle opener cuff links?
I dress somewhere between a homeless guy and an old vato. That said, I will probably drop 2K+ on a new suit in the spring, as the situation calls for it (son’s wedding).
Seriously?
Yeah rent one sheesh
Bezmenov is trumped by Huxley:
I now I harp on what a bubble we are here, but we are.
Now we know where Action Park moved. Comments say this is Vietnam.
https://x.com/Mappy6984/status/1950021211326439570
I’ve sometimes said that if I had three wishes, one of them would be that MarioKart would exist in real life and would be the national sport.
The real difficulty with wishes is figuring out what kind of Genie you’re dealing with before phrasing them.
Gotta watch out for that there Monkey’s Paw!
ššš
That monkey’s mom is pretty rough too!
Next you’re going to call me a monkey’s uncle, and then I’ll have to go chimp on you.
That’s a bit rougher than the cosplay Mario karts in Tokyo.
That is fantastic. We should replace elections with that game to choose our pols but with spikes and blades for obstacles. Also, put the course down the side of a no-shit sheer cliff.
Uncivil: When the genie appears keep your mouth shut. You dont need three wishes, only one. Go get a ream of paper and a bulk pack of pencils. Take a year thinking carefully and writing your wishes out then tell the genie “I wish all of this is true.”
“Wish too long error.”
I call next!
That looks like a lot of fun. I would be doing that as a kid or now for that matter. The alpine slide at Action Park still has some of my skin.
That is a stupid idea.
What time we meeting?
Those people should at least be wearing long sleeves. My FIL is still a biker, and has had to lay down his bike a few times. As a result he will never let you on his bike without jeans and closed-toed shoes.
The person who didn’t bother to buckle his helmet should be your first clue.
lol Holy shit
No, I wasnāt assigned male at birth anymore than I was assigned brown eyes.
The doctors in the delivery room do “rock paper scissors” to decide what to call you.
https://youtu.be/x98cE4QCrlk
Now, on the day I was born
The nurses all gathered ’round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up
Said, “Leave this one alone”
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone
Huh. I was looking for the direct Obama quote I’ve been using to poke over-inflated Lefties, and I may be adding spin others used to describe it.
“Elections have consequences. I won. Get over it.” Humans will always worry; now we have time to fret over internal, new and manufactured demons
Fearful of the barometer in Europe furthering Stateside, I’d fucking hate to be part of the generation that casually welcomed the upcoming invasion. It’s so damn politely pathetic. Yuck.
Whoops, didn’t paste this bit:
“Elections have consequences. I won. Get over it.” <– The first bit absolutely was said, and so was the second, though I think not in sequence. The last bit is my favorite, but I think I can only use it as 'my' addition, separate from Obama's inaugural address.
As I recall, the “I won” was in response to Republicans who in a meeting expressed problems with the ACA. I think the quote was just “Well uh, I won.”
Hopefully we can find the real quote to see how good of a memory I have.
When Democrats win elections: ” Fuck you, we have a mandate!”
When Republicans win elections: “You guys are being assholes and need to work with us.”
Post scarcity world: I feed the critters in the yard…I say yard but I live in the woods. Looking out the window now – red squirrels, grey squirrels, cottontails, bluejays, cardinals, Thrush, Wrens, and a woodpecker all shouldered up to each other eating. There are also two hummingbirds at the feeder. It looks like a fucking Disney cartoon.
We have a bench on the front porch just outside a window with pillow cushions. Wife alerted me yesterday that there was a snake between the cushion and the wire mesh back of the bench glider. Apparently the presence of 8 bluejays hopping around the yard made him nervous so he was hiding.
Of course Humans would be killing each other and each trying to be the one hoarding all of the food to control the others.
I don’t know, the bluejay’s around here will steal anything and everything from other birds. And the squirrels taunt my dog something fierce.
There’s a squirrel that used to chuck acorns at my neighbor’s kids. That squirrel entertained me.
squirrels will absolutely piss on your head if you walk under their tree but they are cute little assholes.
This bunch outside dont seem to care, they are just glad to have the food. It is some kind of nut/berry blend.
No, one human would be telling the others that the Gods wanted him to control who gets what. If he can persuade a large enough gang to join him with their spears and clubs, then he would rule (at least for a time).
Are you describing Chicago? I missed the conversation.
I’ve got a nest of Merlin’s in my yard. They keep the other birds in line or else.
I used to do that, then Lily made my yard remarkably wildlife-free.
Rabbits still show up with some regularity.
From local news:
‘We all have to learn to live together’: Coyotes spotted roaming around Parma
I have no pets, so if they’re going to eat the deer and chipmunks, I’m alright with them being around.
Coyotes started showing up in eastern Iowa a decade or so ago. The fill a similar environmental niche as foxes. But the fox population was drastically reduced by a mange epidemic and the coyotes moved in to fill the void.
I got something similar to that, although my serial murdering, psychopath cat tends to make the squirrels keep their distance.
Pushed too soon. I recently added some ‘boon worms’ to the seed, which seem to up the variety of birds I get.
https://wjla.com/news/local/danville-councilman-set-on-fire-by-attacker-who-poured-gasoline-on-him-lee-vogler-police-department-showcase-magazine-july-2025
Holy shit.
With the exception of the racetrack/shooting ranges, Danville is a pretty fucked up place.
Never rub another man’s rhubarb.
$20 is $20.
Well, no one else said it:
We need common sense gasoline control.
Trump’s fault.
NY is already on that — they plan to ban it by 2030 or some such thing.
WTF?
Speaking of birds
Wednesday is my neighbor’s day to flood-irrigate his pasture from the irrigation ditch, and a flock of wading birds shows up fairly regularly. A variety of ibis, based on the long downward curving beak.
One of my complaints was the anonymity Gabbard afforded to these assholes, and this one just outed herself. Thank you Susan Miller, I hope we get to know you better. I’m sure you’re everything we’ve come to expect from years of government training.
The spinning from these types in unbelievable.
We need common sense gasoline control.
They have almost perfected a gas can you can’t get gas out of.
The Klein Gas Can?
Stop, stop, my penis can only get so erect!
Hogg is hoping wins like Mamdaniās will inspire a ātsunami of young people to run for office.ā He described Mamdaniās victory as an āObama-like momentā for young voters disillusioned with the failures of an aging Democratic Party leadership. āIt almost feels just fictional for young people in Gen Z,ā he told me.
I think the word you’re looking for is “delusional”.