The Hat and The Hair 47: Episode 30

by | Aug 27, 2025 | Sugarverse, The Hat and The Hair 47 | 166 comments

“Now no one can ever burn an American flag again!” Donald said as he signed the Executive Order with a flourish.

“Womp womp,” the hat said.

“It will never stand up in court,” the hair said.

“Not the point,” the hat said, “It’s to get commie fuckos to start burning the flag in protest.”

“Uh, huh,” the hair said. “You’ve talked about it incessantly since you came up with the idea.”

“My plan is going to work,” the hat insisted.

“You you two shut up?” Donald growled under his breath.

“Just smile for the cameras and look pretty,” the hat said.

Donald stood up and smiled for the cameras, moving among the press office goons, shaking hands and making jokes.

“Look how well he works crowd, “the hat said, his voice swollen with pride.

“Just concentrate on keeping him from doing it,” the hair said.

“Oh, he’s going to do it,” the hat said.

“The press coverage…” the hair began.

“You’re such a Karen,” the hat said. “You whine like an old woman.”

“Do it, Donald,” the hat urged. “Do it, do it, do it.”

“They’ll never let the pictures be published,” the hair said.

“You have never understood the value of morale among the troops,”

“I love the American flag!” Donald said loudly.

He supermanned his shirt open, exposing the American flag bikini top he had on under his suit. The press corps gasped, and a frail intern passed out, hitting the floor of The Oval Office with a dull thud.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

166 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    Not a tattoo?

    • Nephilium

      He’s not trashy.

      • rhywun

        His Oval Office changes beg to differ.

      • Threedoor

        Needs to be a tramp stamp

  2. The Late P Brooks

    “Not the point,” the hat said, “It’s to get commie fuckos to start burning the flag in protest.”

    If only they’d wrap themselves in the flags first.

  3. juris imprudent

    Schumer cannot let such a challenge go unanswered.

    • (((Jarflax

      Which flag will clothe the moobs? Palestinian? Ukrainian? One of the plethora of Deadly Sin Flags? Mexican as a tit-tip to La Raza?

      • R.J.

        It will have to be a big flag….

      • Bobarian LMD

        Two different flags, sewn together to make up a single cup on each side.

        With contrasting banana-hammock (that you really can’t make out because of the dunlaps disease).

      • slumbrew

        dunlaps disease

        I’m not googling that.

      • Furthest Blue pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        slumbrew, mah belly dun lops over mah belt. *spits tabacky*

      • slumbrew

        Heh. I have been illuminated.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Mexican flag on the right moob, Palestinian on the left moob, and a pride flag on his crotch.

      • DrOtto

        Dunlaps and Summer teeth seem to go hand in hand frequently.

    • Aloysious

      Paging Barfman. There’s some barfing that needs doin’.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      So, Moobs in a… what, USSR thong? Pali boy shorts?

      Union Jack strap?

  4. DEG

    “My plan is going to work,” the hat insisted.

    TRUST THE PLAN

  5. R.J.

    Hahahahaha! I love it!

  6. Sean

    Unexpected.

  7. Suthenboy

    “It will never stand up in court”

    If you can get a conviction for burning pride flags you can get a conviction for burning American flags.

    As for the american flag bikini top…thanks for that image in my head. *reaches for brain bleach*

    • R.J.

      OR, you can get a court ruling that burning any flag is free speech and get sentences for pride flag burnings reversed.

      • Suthenboy

        It’s not about the flag or the message, it is the burning part. Stomp one, spit on one, whatever. Starting fires doesnt always end with just the flag.
        Dont start riots, dont start fires.

    • The Other Kevin

      They treat burning a pride flag as a hate crime, a vague and poorly defined law in which the court somehow knows the perpetrator was thinking bad thoughts about a protected minority. I don’t think the American flag falls under that.

      • rhywun

        I don’t think the American flag falls under that.

        Nope, because “American” is not a favored, protected class.

      • Suthenboy

        Get rid of the thoughtcrime bullshit. ‘hate speech isn’t free speech’. Like hell it isn’t. That is exactly what it is.

    • kinnath

      I read the details of the case. He didn’t burn the flag to protest any government policy or practice.

      He stated repeatedly, in public, he wanted to show his animosity towards a particular group of people. This takes it out of protected political speech and directly into the jaws of the Hate Crime law he was convicted of violating.

      The only way to overturn the conviction will be to prove the Hate Crime law is unconstitutional {which it is, but no court will say that}.

      • (((Jarflax

        I am not sure how animosity toward a group makes speech non-political except in a pure, this is a heretical opinion sense that to my mind brings it right back into the core area of freedom of expression.

    • R C Dean

      Burning a flag to make a statement is protected speech.

      Burning a flag to make a statement does not immunize you from any other crimes you may have also committed. Like, say, stealing the flag, burning it somewhere where lighting fires is prohibited, etc. It gets squishy, I suppose, when the other crimes are also speech-related, like inciting a riot.

  8. Fourscore

    Donald stole the bikini from a Weight Watchers clothes line.

    He’s saving the bottom for a surprise at the next NATO meet up.

    • R.J.

      *Pours bleach on brain

    • Bobarian LMD

      An entrepreneur would start investing early in MAGA Tear-Away Pants.

    • EvilSheldon

      “Wax my balls, bigot!!!”

    • Not Adahn

      “PM Meloni? There’s a box here from Trump. The attached card says ‘wear this tonight to the hat vault.'”

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      I read that as Wehrmacht watchers.

      I bet you guys did nazi that coming!

  9. creech

    Here come the screams for “gun control”(i.e. confiscation) again from the Left. How do they expect to defend themselves from the Trump fascist militias when the time comes if they give up all their guns?

    • Not Adahn

      Who got shooty this time?

      • SDF-7

        I didn’t want to say it — but that was definitely my first thought.

        Who else in the current environment targets a Catholic school morning mass… it reeked of the TN shooter.

        Wish these hormone-hopped-up nuts would get proper help (or be angry at the liars who told them they could find happiness by f’ing with their bodies instead of organized religion).

      • UnCivilServant

        What I want to know is thus – Why target children?

        For garden variety shool shooters, it’s typically going after their peers, they shoot children because they were from that population.

        For this Trans shooters they are adults who target kids. Why? Why not the doctor’s office where they were mistreated? Or the people who hurt them in other ways? The children did nothing.

      • Suthenboy

        A tranny mass shooter? Again? How many times is this?

        Hey lefties…still want your red flag laws?
        I bet we dont get the usual howls for gun control this time.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Why target children? They are easy targets and high shock value.

      • SDF-7

        I’m assuming they weren’t popular in school and if they went to a religious school (as the TN shooter did and I’ll bet this one), they resented it because they knew they weren’t “normal” (i.e. probably are actually gay.. but then led down the trans path by current mindset). They then resent their classmates and their teachers for making them feel that way — so they target “schools” not the kids inside exactly.

        But that’s 1000% armchair psych analysis. Just the impression I get.

      • EvilSheldon

        Most mass shootings are loud noisy suicides. You get more attention by being the biggest piece of shit possible.

    • Nephilium

      Oh, this will likely be going the route of the Vegas shooter and the Tennessee (I think) shooter.

      • The Other Kevin

        First reports this is another trans person. If that’s true, I think we’re finally going to see some sort of backlash.

      • Drake

        Reopen the asylums.

      • The Other Kevin

        There’s already enough of an outcry from the big accounts on the right that I think Trump will issue some sort of EO. Maybe something with mental health? I also see the left is yet again positioning themselves on the wrong side of an 80/20 issue. Looks like the shooter had posted stickers and slogans that we’ve seen from lefty politicians. Not a great look for those people.

    • Drake

      The cycle on this one is unbelievably fast. It was a mentally ill man (trans) who just posted a manifesto on YouTube.

      • rhywun

        Hoo-boy. This is gonna get nuts.

      • Drake

        If you have death wish and can’t be dissuaded, just do it. Don’t start shooting schoolchildren so the cops will kill you. Or just go point your gun at cops, they’ll kill you without the fuss and trip to hell.

      • The Last American Hero

        Of course by nuts, you mean swept under the rug and out of the public view by the weekend.

  10. Not Adahn

    The press core gasped, and a frail intern passed out, hitting the floor of The Oval Office with a dull thud.

    Who let that wuss into the program? Elon, is this one of your kids?

    • R.J.

      It’s that one little guy from the Intern Exchange Program, he came from Schumer’s team.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      Who let the wuss out!

    • SugarFree

      OK, so I can throw a sandwich at anyone I’d feel like in D.C.? Nice.

      • Ted S.

        Throw it at WNBA players.

      • EvilSheldon

        Throw one at me. I’m hungry.

      • Sean

        *Throws vegan sub at ES*

      • rhywun

        I’m sure after a bit of experimentation you will find out exactly whom you allowed to slap with a sandwich and whom you are not allowed under any circumstances.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        “Throw it at WNBA players”

        Giving them the 12 incher, am I right!

    • UnCivilServant

      Da Fuq?

      It doesn’t matter if it was just a sandwich, he connected with his intended target. That’s at a minimum misdemeanor battery.

      • Sensei

        Yes, but that’s not what he was charged with.

        That’s the problem and why the nullification occurred.

      • UnCivilServant

        What was the charge? (WSJ isn’t loading)

      • Ted S.

        You really think that’s why the nullification occurred and not because it was GovSec protecting one of their own?

      • Sensei

        Dunn was charged by complaint with one felony count of assaulting, resisting or impeding certain officers and employees of the U.S., because he had forcefully thrown the sandwich and struck the officer in the chest. The crime carries a maximum prison sentence of eight years when it includes physical contact.

      • Sensei

        Ted, if you were a random grand jury and asked to indict somebody on a felony for throwing a wrapped subway sandwich at a random cop, would you indict?

      • kinnath

        felony assault

      • Ted S.

        Sensei, do you think that this jury would have indicted someone going after a perceived agent of Orange Man Bad on any charge?

      • Ted S.

        Yet J6 people were held without trial for years, and the DC crowd was braying for all of them to get ridiculous sentences.

      • Sensei

        Totally depends on the jurisdiction.

        I can see some total red strongholds indicting the sandwich thrower too. “Respect my authority!”

  11. Sensei

    In just a few more years they may have had some preliminary answers too!

    For the past few years, a small team of health scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had been tasked with answering basic statistical questions like: Who is drowning? Where is it happening — in lakes, rivers, swimming pools? And what works to prevent it?

    The team was starting to answer some of those questions when it was put on administrative leave in April, according to two former CDC officials familiar with the program.

    https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/08/27/nx-s1-5509976/drowning-prevention-program-halt-cdc

    • R.J.

      O… M… G…

      “In our final statement, we can tell you that water is wet, and it can be dangerous. Protect yourself from this deadly threat as best you can without us.”

    • Suthenboy

      It used to be primarily little kids in back yard swimming pools, infants in bathtubs and (believe it or not) five gallon buckets…second – experienced swimmers who overestimated their abilities. Where is it happening? I am gonna guess…in the water?

    • rhywun

      It is amazing that any American can manage to tie their own shoes without a government bureaucrat there to do it for them.

      • Sean

        I’ve chastised several employees this week about showing up to work with their boots untied.

        🙄

      • rhywun

        I got nuthin’.

        Is this they think it looks cool or some shit?

      • Ted S.

        I just assumed it was sarcasm.

      • Sean

        100% truth.

        I have no idea why this started.

      • rhywun

        Without having a clue what they do, guessing it’s a safety issue…?

      • Sean

        Yes.

      • Threedoor

        Let me guess Sean, Timberlands?

        Definetly not White’s or Nick’s.

    • PutridMeat

      Centers for Disease Control – Drowning.
      Disease Control – Drowning.
      Control – Hmmm.

      Tell me 90 percent of the Federal government is about welfare for the entitled with credentials without telling me.

    • The Other Kevin

      “For the past few years…”
      “The team was starting to answer some of those questions”

      For this alone they all deserve to be fired.

    • EvilSheldon

      “And what works to prevent it?”

      Uh, learning how to swim?

      Did we really need a ‘small team’ of bottle-washing button sorters to tell us this?

  12. The Late P Brooks

    OK, so I can throw a sandwich at anyone I’d feel like in D.C.? Nice.

    You can test that theory by lobbing your lunch at Nancy Pelosi or AOC.

    • Suthenboy

      ‘Dont put your hands on other people or their property’ <—–Me

      'Physical aggression against certain people under certain circumstances is fine'<—– The monkeys that call me crazy

      • UnCivilServant

        There is a category of justified use of force.

      • Suthenboy

        Yes. It is defensive, not offensive. It involves stopping an immediate threat of violence.

  13. Suthenboy

    Radical leftist tranny school shooter. That really looks bad. How long before the leftists start calling it a false flag?

    • R.J.

      End of day. Either false flag or it will disappear from coverage.

      • The Other Kevin

        It will disappear from MSM by the end of the day. But this time, the story isn’t going to die.

      • Suthenboy

        I hope you are right. The Vegas shooter…there is something they aren’t telling us about that. Leftist nutter shoots up country music concert? Obama fanatic? There is something. Worst mass shooting in history and we know jack shit. “We dunno. Sometimes it just happens?” my ass.

      • Nephilium

        Suthenboy:

        It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.

    • SugarFree

      NY Post is already calling her a “him.”

      • Ted S.

        Is this person XY claiming to be a woman, or XX claiming to be a man?

      • rhywun

        Named Robin. Poor evil fuck never had a chance.

      • Nephilium

        rhywun:

        It’s not Eric with a “k” level of evil.

        Alec Hardison: This is the vice president of the frozen foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a “k”, Casten with a “c”.
        Nathan Ford: How is that relevant?
        Parker: Eric with a “c” – nice and friendly. Erik with a “k” – evil.
        Sophie Devereaux: I didn’t know that.
        Parker: Everybody knows that.

      • UnCivilServant

        Hard disagree Mr Ilium.

      • SugarFree

        XY to “woman”

      • Suthenboy

        “Named Robin. Poor evil fuck never had a chance.”

        Not Pat?

      • SugarFree

        Robin was the name she choose for herself. Previously Robert.

    • Drake

      Looking at the crazy online rants and shit written on gun and mags – I’d say 0% chance he wasn’t on the FBI’s “radar”.

      • rhywun

        It’s so over the top I can hardly believe those photos are real.

    • The Other Kevin

      That looks so fun. In my early 20’s I used to go shooting with my then brother-in-law. He had a huge collection, I had a few. I lived with my parents and they didn’t allow guns in the house. So when he and my sis moved, they took my stuff with him. Years later and a messy divorce, and I am still gunless. 🙁

      I did have a lot of fun, and I was a decent shot. Mrs. TOK shot a variety of things at her uncle’s in Kentucky, and she liked it. Perhaps if finances allow in the future, we might take up that hobby.

    • Sean

      17 hmr > 22 lr

      • Suthenboy

        Nice try but I am not gonna bite.

    • EvilSheldon

      Long-range .22LR is a stone groove.

      It’ll also make you a LOT better with the centerfire stuff.

    • R.J.

      “Frank Lava” is a great name.

      • UnCivilServant

        Sounds like forthright liquid stone.

      • Ted S.

        I pumice you I won’t make puns about his name.

      • R.J.

        Now now, don’t go venting off too soon about all these volcanic puns. I don’t think the trend is going to crater quite yet.

      • Threedoor

        What a major pain in the ass.

    • Sean

      <===

    • Nephilium

      In the Jerry Thomas Bar-Tender’s Guide, in the section on the “Manufacture of Cordials, Liquors, Fancy Syrups, &C. &C.” includes this ad:

      Christian Schultz, author of the Manual for the Manufacture of

      Cordials, Syrups, &c., begs to inform dealers and others, who do not desire to trouble themselves with manufacturing their Cordials, &c., that he will furnish them with the concentrated extract of any recipe in this book at a low price, for cash

      Address CHRISTIAN SCHULTZ,

      Care of Dick & Fitzgerald,

      18 Ann Street, New York

      We used to be a proper country.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      And a billiards hall in the back ground.

      Very nice.

  14. The Other Kevin

    As Drake said earlier, the news cycle is insanely fast on this shooting. WH flags already at half-staff. This is the type of thing I’m seeing all over X. I don’t think this one just fades away.

    Libs of TikTok
    @libsoftiktok
    Minnesota Church Shooting: Trans
    Republican Party Firebombing: Gender Fluid
    Nashville Shooter: Trans
    Colorado Tesla Arsonist: Trans
    Colorado Springs shooter: Nonbinary
    Aberdeen shooter: Trans
    Denver school shooter: Trans
    Iowa school shooter: Trans/genderfluid
    AMC stabber: Trans

    Are you starting to see a pattern here?

    IT’S AN EPIDEMIC

    https://x.com/libsoftiktok/status/1960772266376978872

    • Sensei

      Yes – guns!

      • Sensei

        And possibly lighters.

      • R.J.

        Don’t forget mace spray and stabby knives. Those spread like wildfire if left unregulated.

    • Nephilium

      See what happens when you start trying to stop kids from transitioning?

      /is sure this is an actual argument someone is making now

      • The Other Kevin

        “They were under incredible amounts of stress from Trump’s war on trans people.”

        “They did not have support available because the local trans clinic closed due to Trump cutting off funding.”

    • The Last American Hero

      Narrator: And by September 1, it had all but faded away from the news except a few corners of right-wing social media.

    • rhywun

      Oppressed folx

    • Suthenboy

      Ever look a list of famous assassins?

    • Threedoor

      AMC stabber?

      Was the victim a Gremlin or Matador?

  15. The Late P Brooks

    People will die

    Adam, from California, killed himself in April after what his family’s lawyer called “months of encouragement from ChatGPT”. The teenager’s family is suing Open AI and its chief executive and co-founder, Sam Altman, alleging that the version of ChatGPT at that time, known as 4o, was “rushed to market … despite clear safety issues”.

    The teenager discussed a method of suicide with ChatGPT on several occasions, including shortly before taking his own life. According to the filing in the superior court of the state of California for the county of San Francisco, ChatGPT guided him on whether his method of taking his own life would work.

    It also offered to help him write a suicide note to his parents.

    ——-

    In a blogpost, OpenAI admitted that “parts of the model’s safety training may degrade” in long conversations. Adam and ChatGPT had exchanged as many as 650 messages a day, the court filing claims.

    Clippy, is that you?

    That kid was right as rain before the chatbot got to him.

    • Suthenboy

      We need a digital safety act for the children, stat!

      They are trying to pull the same shit they pulled across the pond. If it’s for the children the answer is not no but FUCK NO.

      • anti pro state

        When I hear that phrase in person, I hear “Not just no, buttfuck no!” It’s a proper Steve Smith negation.

    • rhywun

      Imagine the nice family lawyer’s eyes lighting up at the thought of Silicon Valley money.

    • The Other Kevin

      Thought experiment: What if this were a real person they met online instead of ChatGPT?

      • slumbrew

        How wealthy is this hypothetical person?

  16. ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

    Those saying “who cares, it’s just a chain restaurant,” or “It was always fake anyway,” and “what do you care–why don’t you find a local restaurant?” are missing the point.

    People objecting to the rebranding of Cracker Barrel are NOT simply reacting to Cracker Barrel alone. They’re not lunatics who have an unnatural love for a middling, generic chain of restaurants.

    Really and truly. This is not about “Cracker Barrel.”

    This is about American culture.

    People are reacting against the willful, deliberate, snotty-behind-a-smile middle finger that “tastemakers” have been giving to ordinary Americans. To Southerners. To conservatives. To normal, middle of the road people with sense, whether they’re Democrats, Republicans, or something else.

    Since at least the 1960s, there has been a conscious and successful effort to disfavor ordinary working class Americans and American culture. To make non-leftists, and “unsophisticateds” the object of scorn, derision, insult, and mockery.

    It has worked. This is why all you have to do to convey “this person is stupid” in mainstream America is to affect a Southern/country accent.

    This is real. All of you see it.

    It’s gone on for decades, but it has “jumped the shark” in the past 10 years, and got turbo-charged during “Covid.”

    Pizza Hut, McDonalds, Cracker Barrel–yes, they’re all “just soulless companies.” But they are part of our world and our culture, and they convey something about our attitudes toward ourselves.

    All these and more have been stripped of individuality or the simulacrum of it. They’re just the most visible generic symbols of our turn away from color, whimsy, and “ordinary folks doing ordinary things” toward harsh fluorescent, cookie-cutter brutalism and “make everything look like either an industrial garage or an Apple store.”

    People are furious about Cracker Barrel because it’s yet another middle finger in our faces from the set of people who have made political, religious, and cultural life unbearable.

    https://substack.com/@disaffectedpod/note/c-149459416

    • Suthenboy

      Intellectuals, the sophisticated, experts, academics and other ‘anointed’ are insufferable pricks. News at 11.

    • EvilSheldon

      If a fast food chain restaurant is a significant source of your cultural identity, you really, really need to sit down and think about your life…

      • Nephilium

        /looks at people lamenting that McDonald’s no longer has a play area inside and doesn’t host children’s birthday parties anymore

        /looks over at the people who now have a tattoo of a defunct sandwich shop on them, but at least they got a 25% discount

        I think it’s more that people have no cultural identities anymore, so they just latch onto something from their youth.

        /gets ready to go to a punk show

      • Threedoor

        My world fell apart when Mayor McCheese and the fry guys went away.

      • EvilSheldon

        I consider music (and books, movies, visual art, games, and even things like automotive and sports team fandom,) to be way more valid as cultural signifiers than a corporate-owned chain restaurant.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    See what happens when you start trying to stop kids from transitioning?

    /is sure this is an actual argument someone is making now

    It’s the deprogrammers’ fault!

    • Drake

      At what other place or time could they “transition”? Here and now, and Weimar Germany are the only choices.

      • Suthenboy

        Now do the leftist crowds screaming accusations of ‘Nazi!’.

        “If you scream accusations of Nazi! and walk away unharmed because nobody cares you just proved your target is not a Nazi.” – I forget who said that

      • EvilSheldon

        There’s always Iran…

    • Not Adahn

      According to the article xey changed xer name six years ago, so they DID transition.

  18. ruodberht

    HOT TAKE:

    When was Cracker Barrel good? I remember it being awful 30 years ago.

    • Suthenboy

      What sign is hanging over the door is irrelevant for restaurants. The only thing that matters is who is I n the kitchen. The best fried chicken in the south used to be the Super 1 deli counter in Pineville, Louisiana. Then Moses, the old black man that cooked it retired. Now, same store, same ingredients, different cook is just fair to middlin’.

    • R.J.

      It’s just bland food. I neither hate or love it. That this rebrand blew up so big shows just how much the pendulum has started swinging back from soulless liberalism. We may all get tired of the outrage soon.

      • Sean

        We may all get tired of the outrage soon.

        Not me.

        *pops popcorn*

        There’s something supremely satisfying about watching smarmy, smug fucks reap the whirlwind.

  19. SugarFree

    Given that my hometown only has fast food and a Cracker Barrel, when I have to visit, the Barrel is a better choice. I can’t speak for other locations, but this one is clean and the waitresses have most of their teeth. And they make a pretty good pancake.

    • rhywun

      I’m reminded of Dominoes being the “good” pizza in my hometown where the local pizza was so awful.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    And they make a pretty good pancake.

    It’s pretty hard to screw up breakfast. Not impossible.

    • slumbrew

      The part at the end is too good to fact check

    • kinnath

      A culling is coming

    • EvilSheldon

      As I said about the spree killer – you get more attention by being a big piece of shit.

      I suspect that this sick need for attention is the reason that leftists tend to identify with people outside their peer group more than within it…

    • Suthenboy

      That is gonna be a classic like ‘Moran get a Brian!’

      I am saving it.