The Hat and The Hair 47: Episode 32

by | Sep 24, 2025 | Sugarverse, The Hat and The Hair 47 | 129 comments

“I know they broke the escalators on purpose,” the hat spat.

“The building is a dump, a dump,” Donald said. “I could have made it beautiful, just so classy.”

“Those waterheads were lucky you even bothered to talk to them,” the hat said.

“Can you guys keep it down?” the hair asked tiredly.

“What’s wrong with him?” Donald asked, poking at the hair starfished on his desk.

“Still depressed about Charlie,” the hat said.

“Yes, very sad,” Donald said. “Classy memorial, though. Very America. Very great. Very again.”

“He’s gone,” the hair said. “He was one of the only ones I liked. He was always very nice to me.”

“Bit of a churchy-magoo for my taste,” the hat said.

“And his wife,” Donald said. “Classy broad, very pretty, even after the kids.”

“There is no god but god, and I am He,” the hat said in reverent tones.

“Not even going to capitalize, are you?” the hair said.

“Have you seen her bikini pics?” Donald said.

El fuego,” the hat said.

“You are not God or a god,” the hair said, drawing himself into a blonde sea urchin.

“Prove it,” the hat said. “Prove I’m not God. You can’t. No one can!”

“Can you just not?” the hair asked. It crawled up Donald and rested himself, leaning into Donald for comfort. “Charlie always said I looked nice. Neither of you ever say I look nice.”

“I move in mysterious ways,” the hat intoned.

“None of this is funny,” the hair said.

“I am thy rod and thy staff,” the hat said. “I shall smite thine enemies.”

“I wonder what Erika is doing this weekend,” Donald mused.

“You,” the hair said, pointing an accusing tendril at the hat, “have a God Complex.”

“Yes, for I am a complex God.”

“Maybe she could ditch the kids,” Donald said.

“You are not hitting on a recent widow,” the hair said.

“When there was only one set of footprints in the sand, I made Donald wear us both.”

“Not recent–fresh. A fresh widow,” Donald said. The hair made a retching noise.

“It’s a fucking zoo in here,” the hair said. “This is disgusting. I hate you both.”

“I forgive you,” the hat said.

“Of course, have you seen Melania’s hats lately?” Donald said. “She’d probably stab me.”

“And it’s wrong…” the hair prompted. “Charlie was our friend…”

“Yeah, OK,” Donald said. “It wouldn’t be classy. I try to run a classy joint around here.”

“Do I as I wilt shall be the whole of the law,” the hat said.

“Will you fuck off?” the hat snapped. “I’m trying to have a human moment with Donald. I’ve almost got him considering the negative effects of his appetites.”

The hat, toddling on his bill, ran out of The Oval Office screaming, “I AM GOD! I AM GOD!”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

129 Comments

  1. DEG

    The hat, toddling on his bill, ran out of The Oval Office screaming, “I AM GOD! I AM GOD!”

    Delusions of grandeur and paranoid. This feels like a setup for something.

  2. The Late P Brooks

    “Of course, have you seen Melania’s hats lately?” Donald said. “She’d probably stab me.”

    A narrow escape for the monitor.

    • SDF-7

      More likely she’d pop a cap in him.

  3. PieInTheSky

    Irrespective of the situation, one must always run a classy joint

  4. Not Adahn

    “Not recent–fresh. A fresh widow,”

    That’s the spirit!

    Also, do Melania’s hats ever get bored enough to engage The Hat for some Hat-on-Hat action?

    • SDF-7

      If they did, I expect The Hat to fill them to the brim.

      I also expect Elon’s Hat to be running a Fedora server.

      • juris imprudent

        Imagine The Hat ever confronting the Glibs’ top hat.

      • R.J.

        The Hat would be snarked to death.

  5. Sensei

    “I know they broke the escalators on purpose,” the hat spat.

    1. Stephane Dujarric, the U.N. spokesman, said a videographer from the U.S. delegation who ran ahead of him triggered the stop mechanism at the top of the escalator.

    OK, sure.

    2. Regardless of the cause, it’s not unusual for escalators at the UN to stop working, as staff and visitors know quite well. In recent months, U.N. offices in New York and Geneva have intermittently turned off elevators and escalators as part of steps to save money because of a “liquidity crisis” at the world body.

    And even if that’s not the case it’s still Trump’s fault.

    https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/after-mechanical-challenges-trumps-team-blame-nonworking-escalator-125877886

    ABC running true to form.

    • Sean

      🙄

    • Nephilium

      In recent months, U.N. offices in New York and Geneva have intermittently turned off elevators and escalators as part of steps to save money because of a “liquidity crisis” at the world body.

      Have you considered not stealing all the money you get?

      • Drake

        No. That is not under any kind of consideration.

      • UnCivilServant

        Have you considered not stealing all the money you get?

        That’s crazy talk.

      • SugarFree

        UNRWA has to get money to fund Hamas somewhere.

      • R C Dean

        How, exactly, does turning off elevators and escalators save money?

        Sure, they use electricity, but I seriously doubt you can tell when they are off as far as that goes. The HVAC alone probably uses two or three orders of magnitude more.

    • Bobarian LMD

      I had a “liquidity crisis” the other day because I ate too much Mexican food.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    In recent months, U.N. offices in New York and Geneva have intermittently turned off elevators and escalators as part of steps to save money because of a “liquidity crisis” at the world body.

    They should turn them all off permanently, elevators too, to demonstrate their commitment to saving the planet.

  7. Not Adahn

    ES: Mag-Mo responded, not a rejection!

    • Not Adahn

      The hive mind here is amazing, even if it’s just good to have a reminder to check the thermostat.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, did you check it?

    • EvilSheldon

      Hey, good to hear. I think you’ll like his stuff, if you like the feel of skateboard tape.

      • Not Adahn

        He wanted a pic of the gun in my hand (either for sizing or because that’s his fetish, I don’t judge) I said I’d send it once I got the permission slip from the county he replied “what country are you from?”

    • PieInTheSky

      would you people stop pretending you can shoot

      • UnCivilServant

        Come over to this side of the ocean and say that.

      • Not Adahn

        I never said that. USPSA considers me terrible.

        And yet, I’m probably better than about 7.5 billion people.

      • Aloysious

        Pie clearly prefers the traditional crossbow.

  8. SDF-7

    Comments section over on one of the Townhall sites had a good suggestion for the UN building (implying that we kick them out) — the Trump Presidential Library. In New York already, and fittingly “on the bones of his enemies”.

    Works for me.

    • The Other Kevin

      The only way that works is if it’s done faster and cheaper than Obama’s.

      • Bobarian LMD

        That is an extremely low bar.

    • Drake

      Straighten out the barrel of that Colt Revolver and make it an artillery piece.

    • UnCivilServant

      The fact pattern presented has spun up a conspiracy theory in my brain that the corpse wasn’t the shooter and it was a false flag.

      Of course, the corpse could be the shooter, realized “I’ve got terrible aim and no escape plan” and done himself in.

      Too early to tell, reports are going to be garbled.

      • SDF-7

        Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone at least considered Sniper Patsy Scenario at least once, UCS. Barring new evidence, tough to know for sure.

        I suppose any place that might be politically sensitive really should be doing drone surveillance of the surrounding perimeter rooftops from now on since roof snipers appears to be our decades Puerto Rico bombers.

      • juris imprudent

        Probably a Star Wars cos-player.

    • SDF-7

      Yup… it does look like my “incompetent asshole” conjecture is the case here. Nothing like shooting the people you purport to be defending, idiot.

      And of course the bleating of “gun control” started immediately… because psycho killers always are stymied by gun laws… and Australia during COVID shows us just how trustworthy governments are after they disarm you…

      • UnCivilServant

        I think it’s the “Another inscribed bullets case?” detail that has my doubts in high gear.

        But he could be a copycat.

      • SDF-7

        Yeah — “reading the same sort of Discord feed” hence all these nuts think it will be cool to “get their message out” or something is my guess there. Copycats of a sort.

      • EvilSheldon

        But of course.

        If that picture of the stripper clip is the real thing…we’re seeing a marked uptick in crimes committed with ancient surplus bolt guns. Who knew?

      • Not Adahn

        An actual “weapon of war!”

      • Sensei

        “Who knew?”

        You mean it’s not just AKs and ARs? Unpossible!

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, there’s only a half billion of them in circulation.

        Besides, when I mentioned “copycat” I meant in the traditional sense where a high profile crime would be followed by others imitating the entire MO, which would include milsurp rifle from elevated positon and writing on cartridge cases. Since those were the well-publicised elements of the more famous crime.

      • Suthenboy

        Ok ES, I had to go look.

        They have to be shitting us. Really?

      • SDF-7

        Can’t imagine why we’d be seeing more of these style of idiots….

      • Derpetologist

        I regret not buying that $80 Nagant rifle I saw at Cabela’s in TX.

      • UnCivilServant

        What year did you see it? My Mosin was $79 prior to 2007

      • Furthest Blue pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        psycho killers

        qu’est-ce que c’est?

      • Not Adahn

        How shitty is the economy that the lefties have to resort to milsurp? Remember back when they were making copper core shaped charges and getting funding from heiresses?

      • Derpetologist

        It was in 2014.

      • B.P.

        Hmmm…. In Dallas, from an elevated perch, using a bolt-action rifle, near the Stemmens Freeway. I wonder if the shooter was a Cuba enthusiast.

      • Sean

        Gone are the days with Feebs handing out top shelf ARs.

        Sad.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Australia, with or without gun control, would have been the same under covid.

      • rhywun

        I wonder if the shooter was a Cuba enthusiast.

        I suspect a lot of them are.

    • EvilSheldon

      Obviously a right-wing extremist false flag…

      • SDF-7

        Oh thanks for that (not that you could really predict the strange neural pathways my brain takes some days…):

        “BUSHPIGS! FALSE FLAGS!”

    • R C Dean

      Scribbling on a cartridge case with a pen is not “engraving” it.

  9. R.J.

    Dear TPTB: Sorry GlibFlicks is late. I just submitted it a moment ago.

  10. Derpetologist

    internet comment gold

    video title – Trump cures autism!

    first comment: In 6 months, we’ll be watering our crops with Gatorade.

    Forgive me for whoring my blog like Winston’s Mom earlier.

    • Ted S.

      Gatorade has electrolytes, which is what plants crave.

      • SDF-7

        GO ‘WAY — IRRIGATIN’!

    • kinnath

      Stupid and dishonest. The daily double.

    • R.J.

      Oh how nice. After what, 5 years? Screw off. The whole non-marxist ecosystem moved away from YouTube as much as possible. May they never feel the need to come back.

    • Ted S.

      I tapped out after the first sentence.

    • Nephilium

      Yeah, mentioned that this is not getting much traction, but from what I’ve seen Alphabet said the Biden admin leaned on them.

      • R C Dean

        Didn’t name names, though. Until they do that, Ima say they just made it up. No way to verify it, after all.

    • rhywun

      the platform may soon skew even further to the right

      😂🤣

      In the first sentence FFS.

    • Derpetologist

      The best walls are made of men, not bricks.

      • PieInTheSky

        bricks help quite a bit

      • UnCivilServant

        You don’t have to feed the bricks.

      • SDF-7

        — Stalingrad, 1942?

      • SDF-7

        He never said living men, UCS.

      • UnCivilServant

        😕 SDF, don’t spoil the Siege of Zhalskrag.

      • Derpetologist

        ***
        Then out spake brave Horatius,
        The Captain of the Gate:
        “To every man upon this earth
        Death cometh soon or late.
        And how can man die better
        Than facing fearful odds,
        For the ashes of his fathers,
        And the temples of his Gods.”
        ***

      • PieInTheSky

        also walls leave nice ruins for future generations. You would never know today Lacedaemon was a power just by the ruins

      • Suthenboy

        I wonder if anyone has dug under Lacedaemon to see whose ruins it was built on. Somewhere down there is a plaque that reads “Look upon my works ye mighty!”

      • PieInTheSky

        i mean allegedly the Dorians did conquer some locals

    • Suthenboy

      It is in the UK. I dont care if they are paying me to live there…no thanks

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I’ll consider buying it only if the staff includes at least one comely wench, one fine lass, and a maiden fair.

      • PieInTheSky

        you do need to bring your own cannons

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Luddite heresy

    On Tuesday, Trump told the United Nations, without evidence, that “countries are on the brink of destruction because of the green energy agenda.”

    Crazy talk. The Eurozone has never been healthier.

    • R.J.

      People are actually arguing that.

      • PutridMeat

        I suppose it depends on what you are defining/re-defining as your metric for ‘health’.

      • SDF-7

        “Diversity is our strength, we’re more diverse than ever — so we’re stronger than ever! QED!” is all I can think of.

      • rhywun

        re-defining as your metric for ‘health’

        Lower standard of living.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      That “without evidence” tag is another thing that needs to be thrown on the trash heap. Are countries being literally destroyed? Of course not. Are their economies being strangled due to, in part, policies that lead to needlessly high energy costs? Hell yes and demonstrably so. It’s like they’ve never heard of hyperbole.

      • PutridMeat

        It’s like they’ve never heard of hyperbole.

        TBH, he can be a bit much some times.

      • UnCivilServant

        Hyperbole in the service of rightthink is a noble emphesis.

        Hyperbole in the service of wringthink is a foul lie.

  12. Not Adahn

    Lol, Apple TV is delaying the release of “The Savant.” The show Critical Drinker called “the ultimat Karen power fantasy.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hklsd1XY1To

      • Beau Knott

        The bad kitty weighs in.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It’s just another shitty woke show on a service that relatively few watch. Without this gimmick no one would know it was even made which, of course, is the point.

      • EvilSheldon

        “What America needs is MOAR SCOLDING!!1!”

      • The Other Kevin

        From the gato article:

        “On the contrary, they seem to sincerely believe that everyone around them believes more or less the same things they do.”

        Sounds like Mrs. TOK’s roller derby team. They don’t hit you over the head with their politics, but when they show their cards it’s unmistakable that 90% of them are on team blue. Mrs. TOK and a handful of others are conservative. They keep quiet and the rest of the team just assumes they are all in agreement.

      • Nephilium

        TOK:

        That Kitten piece has been getting a lot of responses.

      • rhywun

        keep quiet and the rest of the team just assumes they are all in agreement

        I am very familiar with that scene.

    • juris imprudent

      They’d get more mileage out of ripping off Idiocracy and running Ow, my balls.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    Lefties love windmills because they are an ostentatious and expensive display of faith.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Scientists have warned that fossil fuels must be steadily phased out to avert disastrous climate impacts.

    Repent ye, sinners!

    • Suthenboy

      Again? ‘Scientists’ you say? Oh my.

  15. The Other Kevin

    Well now I’m disappointed in my kid. She told me there is a tiger cruise on the Nimitz from Hawaii to San Diego, 5 days on the ship. You just have to get to Hawaii. But the deadline is passed. (Not that I can afford a ticket to Hawaii right now, but still…)

    Sounds like spouses aren’t allowed because they don’t want anyone fucking on the ship lol

    • SDF-7

      Tiger Cruise? I thought it was Martin Sheen who boarded Nimitz outside Pearl… not Charlie.

    • PieInTheSky

      el oh el

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Yeah, mentioned that this is not getting much traction, but from what I’ve seen Alphabet said the Biden admin leaned on them.

    I saw something about that, too.

    It looks like they are actually admitting it was done even though the censored people were not violating the terms of service.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    FAIL

    Honda Motor is ending U.S. production of its Acura ZDX electric vehicle that was being produced by General Motors in Tennessee, CNBC has learned.

    Production of the vehicle for the 2026 model year was slated to begin this month at GM’s Spring Hill Assembly plant in Tennessee, however Honda “has decided to cancel all future production,” according to a message Tuesday to plant workers that was seen by CNBC.

    ——-

    “To better align our product portfolio with the needs of our customers and market conditions, as well as our long-term strategic goals, we can confirm the Acura ZDX has ended production,” she said in an emailed statement.

    We can’t force people to buy them, dammit.

    • PutridMeat

      We can’t force people to buy them, dammit.

      Too bad we can’t come up with some governmental system and social order that forced companies to build them and the people to buy them. I feel that, with the state, the companies, and the people all strongly bound together in some fashion, we could all be stronger collectively than we are individually.

      • Necron 99

        Did not zee that coming.

    • Suthenboy

      Electric cars dont work. Fantastic toy if that’s your thing but as for practicality they are ridiculous.

      My mother’s last car was a 2001 honda civic. Purchase price was stupid cheap. It cost me aobut 175 to put new tires on it. It cost a bit less than 20 bucks to fill it up. She didnt drive it much…just grocery store and work she lived about 3 miles from both. i would fill it for her about 2x per month.
      The insurance was stupid cheap. My nephew is still driving the car today and it runs like a top.

    • Sensei

      I’m wondering if the Honda variant is going to stay. They’ve been selling well, but the lease goverment credit is done.

      • R.J.

        Depends. I mentioned in one of the days past that Ford actually raised the price of their electric offerings to match the subsidy. Probably because they barely made a profit. Honda is a tad more budget conscious and may be making a profit on that one without the subsidy. I will say a ton of other offerings from startups are going to vanish overnight. I do hope Amazon’s pickup makes it.

  18. Not Adahn

    Sadbeard is saying that declaring the shooting to be anti-ICE rather than anti-immigrant is a “pretext for cracking down on opposition political speech.”

    • R.J.

      The dude wrote “Anti-ICE” on the one of the shells.

    • Suthenboy

      Of course he did. I forget his real name. He will always be Sadbeard to me.

    • R.J.

      Like all other government crimes, it only matters when you want to punish someone.

      • Suthenboy

        This. One makes so many laws that no man can live without breaking them….yada yada.

        Also, all of these guys paid no attention to the laws because they all thought they were the annointed and their neck would never be on the block. Oldest story there is. *yawn*