Author’s Note: SugarFree is out for a little while dealing with real-life things. In the meantime, you’ll have to accept this all filler, no killer stand in.
“Some of you may have seen the recent accounts of thousands of iguanas — known in foodie and native fare circles as ‘Chicken of the Tree’ — falling down dead or shocked from the cold,” Florida Man was holding forth at a beachside dive bar full of people who looked suspiciously beady-eyed and flappy-headed.
“I intend to to break into the FWC processing centers, steal as many as I can forklift into a panel truck, and break them down into nuggets that I will sell at a steep discount to the Alachua County schools as chicken nuggets.”
“Why Ala-ssh-ua County?” Asked a large-boned woman who had either hiccupped or added an “eh” to the end of the sentence. She was about five dirty shirleys deep, making it hard to tell.
“First of all, most of them can only count to seventeen-and-a-half at best, due to various intersections of power tools, alcohol, and inbreeding. Second of all, people in South Florida know what chickens look like. They have poultry that wanders around the city down there. Third of all, they have the worst ratio of Gator fans to University of Florida graduates in the whole state. Its like a miniature Alabama.”
Several people nodded along sagely, causing Florida Man to suspect that they were probably from Kentucky.
“Why a forklift?” Due to the leathery skin and sandals in 35 degree weather, this was probably a local.
“Because pitchforks are for dead babies.”
“Additionally, I have a connection that will sell the skins as to knock-off purse makers in Miami. We call it ‘baby alligator leather’. The European and South American men find it makes a beautiful man-purse they can show off to their totally not gay soccer team pals back home with pride. We had AI put one on Messi and everyone bought it even though he had seven fingers.”
A woman of a certain age with a haircut that would have looked at home on a skater kid 35 years earlier started to feel the righteousness of a second bottle of wine.
“You just made fun of dead babies!” She exclaimed. She was running about 30 seconds behind due to inebriation.
“How else do you think the abortion clinics unload them at the end of the day?” Florida Man asked, trying to be reasonable.
“I thought your kind was all about dead babies.”
“Fuck them kids,” the Chardonnay warrior priestess shouted. “You, you…”
Her voice fell to a stage whisper.
“You also implied that European and South American men are all gay.”
Florida Man threw up his hands.
“Now wait a damn minute. I don’t think most of them are like, Hollywood gay. They just dress really nice, have pretty mouths, get their nails done, and wear purses. And probably suck a dick once in a while in a totally macho way. But most of them have families that they bring here on vacation. Its the only way you can ever win at ‘gay or European’ at Disney.”
Several older lesbian couples who had bristled at the original accusations were nodding along by the end.
“Anyhow, I need someone who can drive a truck, someone who can drive a forklift, and at least 3 people who know how to skin a carcass. Some of you Michigan folks would probably fill that bill.”
One of the lesbian couples stood up. “I’ve got a CDL. Dana drove a forklift for Amazon before they had robots for everything. What’s our piece of the action?”
“I’ve got enough MDMA here to dose the entire USF women’s dive team into Sapphism for a weekend and I know where they hang out. And ten percent on the back end. But that’s at least three weeks out.”
Three old boys with watery eyes and gin blossoms stood up.
“We’re in and we want the same, but straight chicks. We been cleanin’ deer our whole lives, lizards can’t be that hard.”
Florida Man grimaced.
“Look, I gotta be honest with you. No amount of X is going to make you attractive to young women… But. But. I know some strippers at the big truck stop on 75 up there in Alachua county. I got a rock of meth as big as a doorknob that will get you a seven girl party. Maybe 8 or 9 depending on how many are pregnant and what they’re having, you know what I’m sayin’? It’ll probably still cost you $500 each in addition. I can spot you half up front. If Janine wants you to bet on whether her scar is a c-section or a stabbing, don’t bet. its both.”
The three men looked at each other and shrugged. After seeing the worst that Flint’s skin scene had to offer, how bad could it be?
“We’re in.”
“Okay,” Florida Man said, “Let’s get this show on the road, who has a rental car?”
As the six co-conspirators stumbled into the night to make the next day’s News of the Weird, the truck driver leaned in and asked Florida Man, “Do you think we could run this score back with manatee before we head home at Easter?”
Reptile cookbook? Lizard and python gumbo?
Better than the sun dried possum pizza, I suppose.
Hey. I wrote a chef character whose specialty is “gourmet roadkill and weeds.” I got this book for part of my research. It’s a hoot [owl].
Brett, no offense… but I think you channeled Agile Cyborg for that one. Thanks all the same.
Or ChatGPT.
He’s writing from personal experience.
TedS’ knows.
Everything except knowing where the USF dive team hangs out. Anymore. Something about a restraining order.
I loved Agile Cyborg.
He had a cycle. In the mornings, his postings were Dennis Miller level of obscure, but made sense if you knew the reference.
He gradually got more abstract through the day and into evening, he seemed all over the place.
However, there was always a nugget of meaning and if nothing else, the words he chose and the way he arranged them were pretty fucking fantastic.
I miss Agile Cyborg.
The cold weather has gotten my dog to stop fucking around when I take him outside for one of his 7 bowel movements of the day. At least for a short while.
I hope you got rid of the room mate. If I EVER have one of those things ever again… well, I won’t take responsibility for my actions.
Agreed.
FWC is Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission.
Good work, Brett.
See me below, Tonio
I’m still waiting for Bovino’s SS trenchcoat to make a cameo appearance on a Wednesday.
Celebrity Death Match vs The Jacket.
I’ll be designing an obstacle course for the next Glib meet-up. Any and all Glibs are welcome to participate. We’ll hire a few angry middle class white women who think they are untouchable and put them in a minivan and have them drive at you. You will have a gun in hand. The goal is simple – survive without using said gun.
I don’t think Karens drive minivans. Its gotta be a cuv/suv.
Related
https://x.com/TheRabbitHole/status/2018764404121350186?s=20
Male students are more tolerant of political rivals than female students are of political allies.
From the article: Men are over 3.5x more likely than women to be “perfectly tolerant” of opposing views, meaning they would definitely allow any campus speaker.
Not surprising. Women are the cultural enforcers.
Will you be doing a kneepad review and demonstrating proper fellatio techniques for Our Heroes in Blue?
Sure, sounds like fun. I’m sure I’ll pass with little trouble, since I’m not an idiot nor notably clumsy.
In return, you can try out my test, where I shackle your ankles to a road bollard and allow the aforementioned angry white middle-class women to drive their SUVs directly at you. You will also have a gun in hand. You can start firing any time you want.
Ive been hit by two cars.
Odds are I will shoot you.
“Now wait a damn minute. I don’t think most of them are like, Hollywood gay. They just dress really nice, have pretty mouths, get their nails done, and wear purses. And probably suck a dick once in a while in a totally macho way. But most of them have families that they bring here on vacation. Its the only way you can ever win at ‘gay or European’ at Disney.”
I HOPE THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT RAIDS THE OFFICES OF GLIBERTARIANS DOT COM
He didn’t mean you, Pie. We assume you are beyond such mortal desires of the flesh.
Dude, have you not read any vampire fiction?
Let me see… Vampire fiction I’ve read…
Dracula.
That’s it. Are there any works that aren’t chick lit?
It’s not like Romania is actually Europe anyway.
I don’t really want to give spoilers…. but if you wait long enough on Monday’s mid-day links….
Jaime — you know I’m hearing James Earl Jones saying that…
Sure, all the ones that are straight up erotica.
Well, there’s also I Am Legend. And Vampire$, which became that most excellent James Woods/Daniel Baldwin exploitation flick.
“Can I ask ya something, Padre? When I was kickin’ your ass back there… you get a little wood?”
EvilSheldon:
Well, I read some of the Necroscope series as a kid. That was… something.
The Vampire$ book was excellent. The movie used some of the settings, but was significantly different in the latter parts.
John Steakley, who also wrote the excellent “Armor”.
Of note, both books featured the same characters, but were completely unrelated.
Ooh, I’ve always wanted to play cowboys and bathdodgers.
Nice!
Agreed.
If Janine wants you to bet on whether her scar is a c-section or a stabbing, don’t bet. its both.
*thunderous applause*
el oh el.
“In that case, I’m right, pay up”
Yeah, that’s a good line.
Very good line.
In Re the “If it’s too cold for you” image – Are we talking too cold for Florida Man? Because they’re about as cold-tolerant as Iguanas most days (except when the drugs kick in) I suspect most people looking upon the image are more cold tolerant than Florida residents.
If you’re cold, they’re cold
My stupid Husky is loving the cold snap, but he gets sad because the Australian Shepard doesn’t want to stay out as long.
That’s one of the big reasons I couldn’t own a husky. Too far south to give one weather it deserves and would feel far too guilty in the summer. Glad yours got a good chance to merit the fur.
I have yet to see evidence Lily is too cold. Ever.
My wife wants a husky lab mix for that reason.
Thanks to all the spay and neuter people over the last fifty years finding a mix or a mitt is a pain in the ass. And a dog under $1000.
The sneaky cat slipped out yesterday. She didn’t like all the ice.
At the end of the video a woman says the neighbor complained that her husky was out in the cold too long. People put up with shit like this from neighbors?
*pats avatar on head*
Dropping a dime to animal welfare is easy and anonymous.
That’s fair. I guess a neighbor courteously approaching me about the well-being of my dog saves me the trouble of burning down a city block when I get ratted out to animal welfare anonymously.
Did you inform your neighbor that Huskies are literally built for cold?
I’m still trying to process Florida Man shenanigans.
Maybe it’s time to watch Deliverance again. For the romance.
Point of order: that was set in Georgia.
As someone in North Georgia — if it is below the gnat line… I’d say close enough. 😉 (I keed if any of y’all are around Macon or Valdosta…)
Tonio, if you are around.
I just got the big “Rejected!, Address unknown”.
Is it just me? Say it ain’t so. I need your hep. Another a week or so old is out there as well.
In Drafts or Pending, Fourscore?
He doesn’t edit his own stuff. He submits articles to me via email and I do the rest.
I promise I’m only going to do that once.
At least I hope not to do that more than once.
Obligatory….
Thanks for the heads-up. Yeah, I sent a test message from my personal email on Yahoo to my Glibs email address and it bounced. I also can’t get to the login page for Glibs email login. This may have something to do with the recent website migration.
I’ve reported this to webdom. If I can’t get this straightened out soon I’ll email you from my personal address and you can forward your latest article to me there.
*sob…sob…*
Forever alone…
You are not alone, I’m sitting beside you, in a manner of speaking.
/ Brothers in Rejection
FourScore, check your y-mail for a message from my y-mail account.
I would think some of those characters would have a problem with ICE taking down non-natives.
In the meantime, you’ll have to accept this all filler, no killer stand in.
I like it.
Speaking of cold tolerance… on my first visit to California (in college) I was amused to see people wearing down coats on a sunny mid-60s degree day.
Winter break in Phoenix was always interesting. Locals in heavy coats and tourists in tee shirts and flip flops.
Games at the Big A – visiting fans in short sleaves, home fans in short sleaves carrying jackets.
Miami people. Dressed up like the Michelin Man if it hits 59F.
How are they not dead from overheating?
Seasons frighten and confuse them. They are a simple, tropical people.
Wend swimming at Datona beach on Christmas Day.
Locals dressed like Eskimos watching and pointing at us like we were nuts. It was over 70.
I was in Jacksonville when it went to around 30 degrees last month.
I thought it felt great and was wearing a hoodie, but the locals looked like they were on the frozen tundra.
Reid Hoffman just admitted to visiting Epstein Island while”fundraising for MIT”. Because that’s what billionaires do.
The comments aren’t going his way with Elon himself leading the beat down.
https://x.com/i/status/2018107902486020319
We could hook up those people to a generator and power the energy grid for a year with all that backpedaling. Always the same story… They all knew there were immoral and/or illegal things going on, and chose to do nothing about it because they wanted to hang out with the cool kids. Nothing has changed since high school.
Weinstein was also an industry open secret.
The rich and powerful are degenerates and use their resources to indulge those things. First time that’s ever happened.
#metoo didn’t blacklist all of the ones who were happy to lie back on the casting couch and use it to further their careers.
Considering that so many of the movers and the shakers were there and partaking that’s not entirely untrue. It must have been quite a networking opportunity among…uh…other things.
Take this job and…
At the Tuesday hearing in St. Paul, Le said that she moved from her job as an ICE lawyer to the Minnesota U.S. Attorney’s office on Jan. 5 to help it respond to a “tidal wave” of civil filings from detainees, known as petitions of habeas corpus. Court records show that immigration attorneys have filed more than 600 habeas petitions in Minnesota since Jan. 1; the deluge began in December with the start of DHS’s targeted enforcement operation in the state.
Le added that getting DHS and ICE to comply with court orders has been difficult work that’s required her attention around the clock.
“The system sucks. This job sucks,” Le told Blackwell. “I wish you would hold me in contempt so I would have a full 24 hours sleep,” the attorney added.
Le said that many at DHS officials don’t understand the seriousness of an order from a federal judge.
Trump knocked over the apple cart. Everything was so peaceful and easy when the Biden admin was ignoring the laws and approving amnesty requests wholesale.
https://joycevance.substack.com/p/today-in-court
Her actual employment status is unclear. However, she has an obligation to either the firm she works for and is working under contract with or alternatively FedGov to represent their interests.
If she can’t do that – you speak to those people and not the judge. However, I’m sure some lefty firm will scoop her up as their new hero.
Are these people insane? Can they not read? District judges have no jurisdiction over immigration cases.
DHS officials don’t understand the seriousness of an order from a federal judge
“This is going on your permanent record!”
🤡 🤡 🤡
Make them walk the plank
“At this point, they bring nothing but baggage,” said one Democratic lobbyist in Washington, granted anonymity to speak freely, who added that the Clintons’ “continued presence is a barrier to the party’s renewal.”
An adviser to a potential 2028 Democratic presidential candidate, granted anonymity to speak bluntly, asked: “What is the political usefulness of the Clintons these days? We all just got behind Epstein transparency because it made Trump uncomfortable. What are we going to say now? ‘Everyone must answer for this but the Clintons?’”
Democrats’ determination to hold their own leaders accountable — a central tenet for many who said Bill Clinton should testify given his longtime link to Epstein — offers a sharp contrast to a Republican Party that, with a few notable exceptions, continues to rally around President Donald Trump and dismiss any investigations he faces as partisan witch hunts.
“Jeffrey Epstein was a serial abuser of women,” said Sen. Elissa Slotkin (D-Mich.), who is 49. “It doesn’t matter if you are the president of the United States, a former president, a Cabinet secretary, or a CEO of a big company: if you committed a crime, you should be held accountable.”
What have the Clintons done for us lately?
Fanaticism in service to political theater is no vice.
That’s really the story isn’t it? From top to bottom, you are important to a political party as long as you are useful. This is going to happen to the shock troops in the streets in the same way.
scandinavian flick
https://youtube.com/shorts/O_qQ6fewn4Q?si=NZ2vdvkcJmVZTkbl
does anyone know what that would be a reference to without clicking the link?
WRC
Well, that certainly wasn’t James May driving.
Girl with the dragon tattoo?
Subaru
Scandinavian
The Isle of Lesbos
Yes, Word Rally Championship. It’s a cornering technique.
Yep. I miss the golden era of rally…
Good answer to Matthew Yglesias
https://x.com/arcticinstincts/status/1990671591362134396?s=20
I don’t know much about the table, but the US didn’t make the top 16.
Hahaha!
So true.
Demographics is destiny or something.
The US is several societies sharing a geographic range.
You get some really interesting data when you break down the data to reflect that.
“That’s interesting, because in America, among Scandinavians, we have no poverty, either” — Milton Friedman
The U.S. should really break up.
Not a chance.
Sadly.
We are all going to be forced to go down with the sinking ship.
I don’t think you’re correct there.
I remember the anti second amendment people gong off that “the constitution isn’t a death pact” back in the 90s.
It’s not.
Secession is a legitimate political move.
We’ve established the precedent that you have to shoot your way out and not lose.
You just need to goad a liberal government into expelling your conservative (red-voting) state from the union. I assume that SCOTUS would back them up.
That would be coutner to their goals of forcing you wrongthinkers to COMPLY! They don’t just want to run things their way among people who can be hoodwinked into supporting it – they want to force it on those who disagree. The grinding the enemy underfoot is the real appeal.
Secession doesnt make sense, but the disagreements arent geographic. Not, at least, state-wise, but more rural vs urban.
We just need to build walls around all urban centers and then cut them off from support.
UCS is dead on here, “grinding the enemy underfoot is the real appeal”
Control and continuing to abuse your spouse situation.
RBOC. The disagreements are pretty regional in my area. Half of OR and WA are politically inline with the majority of ID, and it breaks on an area that lines up with the majority of the Colombia River watershed.
Feh… I wouldn’t trust worldwide IQ comparisons any further than I could throw the lightest researcher.
I wouldnt trust IQ period.
One of the comments notes it’s the std dev of the distribution that really matters.
That’s also the issue with M/F IQ. Much more variability in the M with extremes in both tails.
I’ve not seen the JPN data, but that’s very possible.
Yeah, I’m willing to believe the s.d. varies more in the US than most countries.
“I have blood all over my broom [giggle].” – Canadian woman curler from just a minute ago
Full-contact curling?
If curling was more like hockey …
For once in my life, I don’t want to know…
She killed an insect on the ice. They had to have a short timeout to clean it up.
It is funny without context though.
Bugs in winter? WTF Italy, clean your venues!
Gracias, Don Brett!
Agreed! Bravo!
I look forward to fried iguana nuggets on my next visit to Florida.
Bob’s Iguana Bits…
I see you Neph.
🙂
Just don’t go into the basement. (Or have your 10mm SMG ready if you do…)
There’s a “Maine Lobsters” food truck, so why not one serving up Florida specialties? Iguana, Gator, Boas, Armadillos,
I got food from a Maine Lobster food truck last Mother’s Day.
It was not special and the portion sizes were not commensurate with the price. Walmart store brand lobster bisque was better.
The one time I was confident that my lobster was from Maine was when I had it in Maine…. It was cheaper there.
What if Trump is painfully right?: Stephen Nagy for Inside Policy
Somebody in Canada starting to pay attention.
https://macdonaldlaurier.ca/what-if-trump-is-painfully-right-stephen-nagy-for-inside-policy/
Heaven forfend!!
Watching these pricks melt down is worth all the cruelty and danger. 🙄
It’s a slaughterhouse
Staffers at the Post have been on edge for weeks about the rumored cuts, which the publication would not confirm or deny. “It’s an absolute bloodbath,” said one employee, not authorized to speak publicly.
During a morning meeting announcing the changes, the editor in chief, Matt Murray, told employees that the Post was undergoing a “strategic reset” to better position the publication for the future, according to several employees who were on the call.
Murray acknowledged that the Post had struggled to reach “customers” and talked about the need to compete in a crowded media marketplace. “Today, the Washington Post is taking a number of actions across the company to secure our future,” he said, according to an audio recording of the meeting.
Wait- you want to run the Washington Post like a business, instead of an endless deluge of haughty egghead lectures and virtue signalling? Oh for shame.
“It’s an absolute bloodbath,” said one employee.
Employees call for violence!
GLIBS EMAIL UPDATE: WebDom is aware of the problem and is working on it. It may be a while (days). Anyone need to contact me post in the links and I’ll email you privately.
Post employees who have been laid off will continue to be on staff through 10 April, though they will not be required to work. They will receive six months of continued health insurance coverage.
Here’s a silly rhetorical question. Will losing their “insurance” lead any of those people to seriously contemplate what a monumental shitshow American health care is, and the role of propaganda outlets like WaPo in creating it?
no
No.
They like most people don’t ever need insurance.
And if they got hit with a bill they would say dumb things like “this is why we need single payer.”
Have you heard anyone sound happy when they see the price for COBRA to continue their company provided healthcare?
COBRA is crazy expensive.
But it’s through the state, I think. I did it once when I was trying to get a diagnosis in my early 20s after getting fired for being sick. Wasent worth it.
COBRA coverage is just continuing on your former employer’s plan, but paying the full cost instead of the employer paying part of the premiums…plus you usually pay an administrative fee on top of that.
It wasn’t that crazy when I was on it a few years ago. I don’t remember the amount but it was well under 1K a month.
From X – “In addition to sports, the Washington Post is killing its book section, suspending its Post Reports podcast, restructuring its metro section, and shrinking its international footprint.”
And if they got hit with a bill they would say dumb things like “this is why we need single payer.”
I see all these crazy numbers thrown around, and I can’t help asking myself if it isn’t cheaper to just pay an occasional out of pocket medical bill than cough up a big monthly premium?
If Obamacare hadent made major medical policies illegal…
If I’m following along correctly, we used to have access to catastrophic health care plans but… thanks Obamacare. Now I pay about $33K a year in premiums, and yet my deductible is damn near like an old catastrophic plan.
So, to answer your question… probably.
random coworker: So, kinnath, why you still working?
kinnath: Have you looked into health insurance?
That’s where I was. I finally salted away enough cash to retire early late last year, and I’m just biting the bullet and paying the premiums out of pocket.
Remember, we need to keep doing our part. The health care of illegal aliens is depending upon us.
The one time I was confident that my lobster was from Maine was when I had it in Maine…. It was cheaper there.
It was probably shipped in from Thailand.
https://ij.org/ll/why-ij-is-suing-ice/?utm_medium=email&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-_200TBSiUB1X052wsgt3JhFGkBcp2YCGOPrUE0qB7QhEYKu5FzKAlTzgVXnV79K2j0ZzPYOQhQdBUX26Tn2wc1aOT5Gw&_hsmi=402073067&utm_content=402073067&utm_source=hs_email
IJ is suing ICE. Good on them for making a statement with a narrow focus on the 4th amendment issues. However, I had conversations with them during Covid, trying to get them to move on the abuses happening then, some of which were arguably 4th amendment issues. They flat out refused. “We don’t take covid cases” was the response.
Count me as a bit conflicted on whether IJ is still the best place for the thousands of dollars I send to them annually. This strikes me as rather out of character for them.
The union suggested that Bezos might not be the right owner for the Post. “If Jeff Bezos is no longer willing to invest in the mission that has defined this paper for generations and serve the millions who depend on Post journalism, then the Post deserves a steward who that will.”
This was, of course, accompanied by a good faith cash offer to purchase the paper at fair market value.
If 30 year old salacious gossip isn’t enough to thrill you
A new probe of Swiss bank Credit Suisse discovered 890 previously undisclosed accounts with potential Nazi links, a U.S. senator said on Tuesday, amid efforts to shine a light on what he said was the bank’s hidden role in World War Two crimes.
Holders of the wartime accounts included the German Foreign Office, the SS paramilitary organization and a German arms-manufacturing company, U.S. Republican Senator Chuck Grassley told reporters in a briefing.
He gave no details on how much money might have been held in the accounts and their current status.
The organizations were part of the Nazi apparatus under German leader Adolf Hitler that enabled the Holocaust, which killed about 6 million Jewish people.
We live in a golden age, where everything is so well run and under control we have to look back a half century for news.
80 year old accounts that the bank was unaware of but somehow a US senator is. Sure, makes sense.