“They tried to kill me!” the hat screamed in the Presidential Beast as he and Donald and the hair drove back to the White House. “He tried to kill all three of us,” the hair said. His voice was shaky and tired. “Butler, the golf course, and now this shit!” “It took a...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3n7eNFj_9Vk "Grill me, broil me, sear me on a griddle. I have such sights to show you! MEAT SIGHTS!" "I don't care that it's black as long as it looks classy. It looks classy, right? I'm going to fuck Dick Cheney with it." My Dad Used...
“I really thought the Iran War would be more fun,” the hat said. Donald grumbled as he pissed in the ficus behind the Resolute desk. “How is that thing even still alive?” the hair asked the hat. “Iran? I dunno.” “The ficus, stupid,” the hair said. “I’m not stupid,...
proud patriotic music about America and dogs and Applebee’s. This wasn't something I just made up. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_zuB-ogIBw Joe Rogan Has Been Dethroned on Spotify. His Successor’s Podcast is a Delight. What’s not to love about Kylie Kelce? She’s...
China!
I like the idea of Britain turning into Shelbyville. But we must protect our precious lemon tree. BritWar III if that's what it takes. https://twitter.com/Harry__Faulkner/status/1866496065295245511 What Nancy Mace’s Despicable Slur Will Cost Us Once upon a time,...
“Oh, Canada,” the hat sighed. “Stop, just stop,” the hair said. “Land of the unfree, home of the unbrave,” the hat trilled. “Jesus,” the hair spat in disgust. “From the heroin-washed shores of Vancouver to the heathen French of Montreal, I will save you,” the hat said...
https://www.cnn.com/2024/12/03/us/video/he-lead-chase-strangio-transgender-healthcare-treatments-youth-jake-tapper OK, I always support the funniest option: I want Thomas to start laughing as soon as this clown starts talking and just keep laughing the entire time.I'm...
“Bwa-ha-ha-ha,” Dark Cracky laughed, “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.” Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,” he continued, the deep, booming laugh filling the underground corridors of the tunnels under the White House....
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human stomach to digest all its contents. We live on at placid dinner table of ignorance in the midst of black seas of Thanksgiving, and it was not meant that we should buffet far. The food...
“Yes, Father,” Barron said. “I will eat of the bird and the tuber, the gooey starch and the flood berry, yea, the very gourd of the earth.” “Barron, my son,” Donald said. “Turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. We’re populists, men of the...
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zippers
it’s in the can
“Where will we go?” Hunter asked his only friend. “My father’s huge mansion? The underground jizz fountain I bought with my art sales?” “Fuck it,” Cracky said, “I’m not moving out.” “Cracky?” Hunter asked. “I’m not fucking going anywhere,” Cracky said. “But when Trump...
You wouldn’t know a diamond if you held it in your hand.
The Mandate of Heaven
“I WILL HAVE SEX WITH THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!” he shouted, his voice like thunder rolling across the loch. He walked into the cold, cold waters, his erection bobbing, and swam toward the floating mass in the loch, moss green, smooth. “John!” his wife cried, “Be...
JOY, damn you! JOY!
The Future
Will you stay down on your knees?
MMDA
manuscripts of unpublished rhyme
There’s no such thing as a digested lunch.
It’d be tragic if those evil robots win