The Economy of the Jubilee | Quantum Pranx

 

It’s Bible Story time again, kids. And this week’s Torah reading is from a section called Behar-Bekhukosai, which has some of the dumbest laws ever handed down from Sinai. Judging from contemporary news, you might then assume that “Behar” means “stunningly stupid,” but boringly, it means “on the mountain.” One interesting bit that the Torah leaves out- Moses was up there for 40 days. What did he do about pissing and shitting? I mean, c’mon, trying to take a piss when someone is watching is difficult at the best of times, but try doing it with YAHWEH watching. “Sorry, Dude, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.”

The whole name thing is odd here, anyway. Behar is a sedra (weekly Torah portion) and so is Bekhukosai. But because (((we))) want things to come out even over the course of the year, and because Behar is the shortest sedra in Vayikrah (that’s Leviticus to you foreskinned heathens), and Vayikrah is all about detailed regulation, there’s an elaborate formula to see if it can be shoved together with the somewhat longer Bekhukosai to form the hyphenated Behar-Bekhukosai. Some years, it is, some years, it isn’t. It seems like poor planning, but it’s all part of the weird Lunar calendar thing (((we))) do, where there’s shit like leap months because the timekeeping is so sloppy. And lucky us, this is the year for the Biblical portmanteau!

In the Behar part, there’s two basic concepts involved here: sabbatical and jubilee. And both are based on the notion of the number seven being somehow magic. After six years of planting and harvest, you’re supposed to let everything go for the seventh year. Anything that grows can be picked and eaten by anyone else, but YOU can’t plant and YOU can’t pick. Now, you might ask, how the fuck am I going to eat during this year? Well, the suggestion in the sedra is that in Year Six, Yahweh will make sure you grow three years worth of food, so you can live off that. Now, with no fresh fruit or vegetables, it would seem like a pretty dull diet, but this brings in my idea: go grab fruit and vegetables from your neighbors. I mean, they can’t pick it, so it may as well be you. Of course, the concept of everyone living off volunteer growth is questionable and likely to lead to some lean and hungry Jews, if that Year Six deal doesn’t pan out. But (((we))) never said that (((our))) lives were easy. As a wine geek, I don’t favor letting a potentially great vintage go to waste if that’s where the weather falls in Sabbatical, but presumably Yahweh saves the rain and hail for just such occasions.

Goofier yet is the Jubilee, which is seven sevens of years. All debts are canceled, showing that Yahweh is indeed a Democrat. Good luck getting a loan in Year 48. Worse yet, all property reverts to whoever’s ancestral land it is, which certainly works to preserve wealth inequality. And depress real estate sales. Hmmm, maybe Yahweh is a Republican.

 

Now here’s the best part, and really the point of this Jewsday: Bekhukosai assigns values to human lives. There IS precedent to the “Negroes are worth 3/5 of a white man” and “Woman are paid 70 cents to a man’s dollar.” And the precedent is right here. (((We))) invented it.

 

Speak to the children of Israel and say to them: When a man expresses a vow of lives to Yahweh, the value of a male shall be as follows: From twenty years old until sixty years old, the value is fifty silver shekels, according to the holy shekel; And if she is a female, the value is thirty shekels;

Three fifths! That’s only 60 cents to the dollar! Women here in the US have it good.

 

And from five years old until twenty years old, the value of a male shall be twenty shekels, while that of a female shall be ten shekels;

50 cents on the dollar! This is someone who clearly has had to deal with teenage girls. And comparing it to the previous valuations, MILFs must have been much more prized than the young stuff.

 

And from one month old until five years old, the value of a male shall be five silver shekels, while the value of a female shall be three silver shekels;

They clearly didn’t much care for kids back then. Dime a dozen.

 

And for sixty years old or over, if it is a male, the value shall be fifteen shekels, while for a female, it shall be ten shekels.

I feel… worthless now. But at least the women my age are even more worthless.

 

There’s no mention of racial differences, but I suppose that the value of goyim was essentially zero, regardless of their color or gender.

And because I always try to leave you with a song, here’s a Rammstein cover. In Yiddish.