MOGADISHU – In an emergency session of the Somali parliament, law makers determined that the crisis in Portland, Oregon requires immediate action. “We cannot stand idly by as the innocent suffer. I have seen and heard many things from that troubled land. Old people being attacked for merely wearing a hat? How shameful!” said speaker Mohamed Mursal Sheikh Abdurahman.

Part of the aid package includes sending young Somali experts who will teach Americans how to mount machine guns on their trucks to defend their clan’s territory. “I’m very excited for this chance to travel to a distant land, learn a new language and culture, and help make the world a better place”, said Serenity Regiment volunteer Ali Farah Ahmed. “It really broke my heart to learn that the suffering Americans do not have a single technical to defend themselves from bandits.”

Another group of volunteers will be helping the young women of Portland become wives and mothers. “I saw so many shocking things”, said Serenity Regiment volunteer Jawahir Iman. “So many ugly, childless women! No wonder Portland’s birth rate is at its lowest level in 25 years. Fortunately, our land is famous for its beautiful women.” Ms. Iman will work at a clinic where among other things, she will hand out pamphlets like “How to Find a Husband by not Being a Fat, Single Mom with Lots of Debt” and “Unnatural Hair Color, Tattoos, and Piercings: The Three Legs of the Stool of Spinsterhood”.

Portland has long be dogged lately by political violence and economic woes, with its debt now topping $4.1 billion. Ostensibly a multiparty republic, Portland is a de facto one-party state where dissidents have few if any rights. “Portland is not quite as bad as North Korea or Cuba, but it’s getting there”, said Joanna Gambolputty, a human rights analyst at Amnesty International.

Elsewhere, Somali and African Union peacekeepers mobilized and landed in Portland. “We were expecting a tough fight at least at the airport, but we were unopposed and so far there has been no armed resistance. In fact, many seemed to greet us a liberators, particularly this so-called ‘Black Lives Matter’ group”, said Major General Hassan Abdallah.  “However, when the remnants of Portland’s police force also came out to greet us, the Black Lives Matter clan became hostile and we had to fire in the air to disperse the mob”, he added.

The peacekeepers have spent several weeks restoring law and order and establishing rapport with the locals. There have been setbacks, however, including a failed raid to capture Portland’s notorious warlord Ted Wheeler, leader of the vicious Antifa clan. Critics of Somalia’s foreign interventions have dubbed the operation “Black Bloc Down”.