ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease and Racism Dissemination have published results of a study that should scare the bejeezus out of any red blooded American. The Covid-19 virus, including the white supremacist South African variant, the colonialist UK variant, and the Super Saiyan Japanese variant, has been found to linger on clothing for up to 72 hours.
While it is unclear whether this is all clothing or just straight people clothing, the implications are very serious for a country still reeling from four years of Trump’s racist pro-virus policies. Clothes Covid is likely to be more dangerous than murder hornets and old-fashioned cough Covid combined.
A person familiar with the study’s thinking indicated that clothes Covid may require people to remove their clothes while in public to avoid asymptomatic transmission of this modern day plague. Of course, triple masks would still be mandatory to keep the virus perplexed and on the defensive.
At a press conference hosted by President Biden, Dr. Fauci, science wizard extraordinaire, translated the gobbledygook from the sciency nerds into cool people speak, calming the public’s fears that the pandemic hasn’t yet gone away.
“It is not time to let go of your fear, ” he soothed, “more people are dying than ever before! The viral insurrection is at its peak! It can even live on your clothes!”
Fascists associated with the Republican coup tried to spread disinformation, lying about a purported lull in deaths in recent weeks, but nobody listens to those losers anymore. *high fives CNN*
As a fact check on some idiotic right-wing propaganda circulating around social media, one of the scientists from the study disspelled some myths, noting that the potential for clothes Covid to fortify your body was very low. “You would have to do something ridiculous, like strap your clothes to your face and breathe through them all day to catch Covid from your clothes.”
When a disinformation artist from OAN asserted, without evidence, that the scientist “just described a mask,” Dr. Fauci intervened, explaining that “masks are obstacle courses for viruses, and Covid is the fat kid on the playground who can’t even do a pull up.”
Biden expressed his support for Fauci, challenging the virus to “a game of nekkid hogtie wrassling like we used to do in Scranton.”
All in all, the press conference was a rousing success. The ViroRepublican alliance was thoroughly embarrassed, and absolutely nobody has lost trust in the media or in the legitimacy of government.