I had a scheduled Dr. appointment today that I had to go to after my immigration medical tests. They were concerned about my liver, with it’s “high levels.” I was given meds and am going to have a CT scan in two weeks. I’m a boozer and have been for a long time, drinking every single day for over ten years. My dad has this issue as well. Other than the liver itself, perhaps the scarier issue is with my head injury and epilepsy. The alcohol has triggered many seizures, and I still didn’t learn or address the problem. This is the level of outright embarrassing, shameful, and harmful (to myself and others) behavior that I had been riding on. This was the wake-up call that is going to push me to finally stop drinking.

The doc was telling me about my AST levels. 5-40 is the ‘normal’ range. The test showed that mine are at 433. Yikes. That was a bit of an eye-opener. I’m having a silly One Last Night with Booze just to say goodbye to it. I quit Stateside for five months and didn’t have any trouble, but I completely replaced it with heavy weed smoking. I’ve been back to my old habits since March. It started in my youth as both fun and as my anxiety medication, which I have always constantly had. It’s borderline on an Aspergers scale, which my father also has. Dealing with it through booze became part of my lifestyle. It’s stupid, but if you’re a soldier getting their leg cut off (only happened to me twice!), alcohol DOES work. It took on extra importance and became a part of my daily routine.

I’ve been given meds to address my liver and am going clean so I can do as well as I can on the ‘test.’ I love that my test has a date and I can have immediate feedback on the meds’ effects coupled with my lack of drinking. The CT scan is scheduled for April 28th, my 34th birthday. I hate birthdays but this one got me thinking. When I get there I will have outlived Alexander the Great. He may have conquered ‘the world’ and was in many battles, but I’m gonna outlive him. I can add Christ to that. Those are two pretty big fucking names to outlive. Point Evan.

I’ve been commiting slow motion suicide and was happy to continue to do so. I didn’t even care. I could always explain it away to myself. This ends now. My hip replacements were done for idiopathic reasons and I didn’t ask to get hit by a car. But I deserve this. I’ve done all of it to myself. I’m at fault. No one else. I’ve stubbornly ignored advice and even lied about my drinking to people who have done more to help me than I warrant. It’s shameful, and I largely see this as a punishment that I created for myself. I deserve every bit of it. I (supposedly) pride myself on being independent, yet I keep doing shit that forces other people to take care of me. Never meant to! But it kept happening over and over without my being willing or able to learn and change my ways. Such a dumb asshole. I’ve been happily lying to myself about the consequences of my actions. I’ve been a disgusting degenerate and it is time to finally rise above it. It’s time. It needs to happen, and I must make it so. Go forth, soldier.

I have some weed (INCREDIBLY hard to get here) and am getting more. I also just found out that Korea has legalized medical marijuana! The first disease/illness that they mention for it being acceptable is epilepsy! I now HAVE epilepsy! Teehee! I will research and hopefully get an update on how to get legal access. Having newfound epilepsy has been the highlight of my day.

The world has come at me and I’ve fucking always pushed Death away. I know it will happen again. Oh, wait. It’s happening again now. Well, I’m used to it. Time to get back upon that horse I know so well and boldly ride it further through the Land of the Living. I ain’t done yet. I. Fucking. Ain’t. It’s time to adapt and stop being so painfully stupid. Learn how to not only lay off that curve, but regain the ability to launch that bitch into the bleachers.

Reading about what @hayeksplosives is going through is incredibly powerful and illuminating. I wish him the best of health and recovery. I know how hard rehab is. I also know how hard it is for the Saint there to help him through all of it and how fundamentally important they are. Because not a god damn bit of it is easy. For either party. Feeling like a burden upon everyone you love helping you, both physically and psychologically, is a painful and embarrassing to go through. I honestly feel that the pain they go through is worse and more profound than what I’ve gone through.

I am going to make it through this adversity. My dad didn’t raise a bitch and people never hear me moan about the hand I’ve been dealt. That descends you further into depression. I’m also not going to bitch to myself about the hand I’ve been dealing myself. That’s my responsibility, and I’m simply going to change the game and stop fucking drinking. Everyone around me deserves for me to be a better human and I’ve not been giving it to them. I also deserve to recover and keep myself safe and out of further harm’s way. If I fail and get cirrhosis or something, then that’s going to be on me and I’m going to have again devastated all those people who were so kind and supportive. I simply cannot allow that to happen. It will also hasten my demise. I am going to stop drinking. It is no longer an option to ignore the reality. I can’t lie to myself about this anymore. I won’t.

My life’s twists and turns never end. Two steps forward and one back. This is a big one back. But I’ve got my legs underneath me and I’m taking this bitch to the hoop. My life is mine and I plan on doing everything I can. I ain’t finished. This is just my next step forward in my life’s journey. It will make me a better person in absolutely every respect. That gives me the courage to finally stop ignoring the obvious.

Onwards. Upwards. Always.